Moving in together

[Rhibee1983]

So I have been with my other half only a short while (4 months) and we are talking about moving in together in September 3 months time.
I have 2 children 11 and 4 and he has 3 children 9 (with severe autism) 7 (with behavioural problems) and 4. Now I live in a 3 bed that’s rented and the kids bedrooms are very small. We would be having his children every other weekend.

My questions are

1. space- where would everyone’s things go and the kids
   2). The kids bedrooms are my kids bedrooms so I don’t want his to think that they are unwelcome but I also don’t want to disrupt my pair

[choli]

If you don't want to disrupt your pair don't move your boyfriend into their home.

[Rhibee1983]

I also have discussed it with my 11 year old as we have been just us (and ds) since she was 7, we openly discuss everything and anything that she wants to and I feel that she needs to be in the loop and have her say of any decision making process

[choli]

If your boyfriend is sharing a 3 bed flat at the moment how does he manage the weekends he has the kids?

[SailOnSea]

I think the only possible way would be to have his kids at yours when our pair are with their dad. You'll have to put bunks in one room. Everything your kids have would need to go in boxes and put away when they leave so the other kids don't mess with it or it could cause a lot of bad feelings. For the record I think this is a shocker of an idea and won't end well but if you're insisting then the way above is all I can see working.

[Rhibee1983]

Not sharing it’s rented from a friend

[PrincessMargaret]

It's too soon. And you don't discuss stuff like this with an 11 year old for Christ's sake.

[WoodenCat]

Well if your bf prioritises his dc as he should then he’s setting a great example for you both. Don’t cram 5 kids into 2 bedrooms after 7 months and don’t move to a crap area with bad schools. Just keep on as you are rather than rushing into a situation that doesn’t have your kids’ best interests at heart.

[Rhibee1983]

So I shouldn’t discuss a major change in her life that would affect her? No? Just spring it on her and tell her to get on with it? I’d rather have a discussion with her and get her feelings and opinions

[CommonFishDiseases]

Yes, so true!!! My personal highlight is a dry bath mat all week

[CommonFishDiseases]

Oops sorry wrong thread!

[PrincessMargaret]

No. You don't even bring it up yet as it is too soon.

[bastardkitty]

I think people are saying you shouldn't be doing it. No one is advising you to 'just spring it on her'.

[HeckyPeck]

Would there be any way of doing this without one child having to sleep on the floor on an air mattress? Whichever one that is will end up feeling like the poor relation.

[Rhibee1983]

That’s what I am saying I wouldn’t move to a bad area with bad schools and I am seeing if there is a reasonable way of trying to accommodate everyone.

Like I say it’s just at the discussion stage at the Moment.

[choli]

That's where it should stay for at least another year.

[Dancingmonkey87]

You haven’t been together a year it shud be he honeymoon phrase not moving everyone into a cramped house. Regardless of knowing someone 16years isn’t comparable to dating and moving in especially with child with SEN. You are selfish beyond belief and no you should not be putting pressure on your 11year old if it’s ok it’s not ok your a parent here you’re needs of your dc come first. God people who have been in relationships for years struggle to blend families once they move in together.

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

Why are you moving him in?

[RepealRepealRepeal]

Leaving the timescale out of it, I can't see how you could move 5 kids into 2 bedrooms. I don't think it would be fair on them to share, but I also don't think it would be fair to have your DC be absent when his are there.

My house has four decent size bedrooms and when DP's DC are here, we're a family of six, even so we keep accumulating stuff, and haven't got places to store this stuff. The four DC especially are incredible accumulaters of things.

I think if you were going to proceed at any point, it would need to be in a bigger house. Maybe keep an eye on the areas you would be okay with, on the off chance the price falls. My dad is a landlord, and he'll give tenants a rent reduction if they can do things like handiwork, plumbing or whatever, although I realise he's an exception, not a rule.

[Graphista]

WAY too soon to even be THINKING about this, let alone discussing with an ELEVEN year old. Completely unfair on them. If you go ahead and it doesn't work there's a high likelihood they'll blame themselves even if you don't. You discuss it with her in a year and not in a way that she's directly influencing the decision just giving her opinion. It's WAY too much responsibility on her.

Have dc met your new boyfriend? If so that's too soon too.

Your place is far too small to accommodate all the children not at all fair on ANY of the children.

It's far too soon to know if the relationship is going to work you're still very much in the rose tinted glasses 'nothing will go wrong our love can conquer all' phase.

"Please prioritise your children and give them a loving, safe, secure, stress-free home on their own that's what caring parents do." This X 1m AND with bells on!

"The whole idea was floated by oh" I'll bet it was! Where is he living now? Ahhh so where he has to do all his own housework and take care of his DC when he has them all by himself. What a shock (not).

WHY do people rush into this stuff?!

[Rhibee1983]

I totally get what you are all saying and I take it all on board. Yes my children have met him they have known him their whole lives and they know him as my boyfriend as he stops over.

I’m not giving my dd any responsibility I am asking her opinion on things that may affect her life and if I’m wrong in asking how she feels what she wants and what her concerns are then I accept that

My boyfriend has lived alone for 3 years (with his children) and is more than capable of looking after himself and I have no intention of looking after him. You can’t judge him as a parent

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

My boyfriend has lived alone for 3 years (with his children) and is more than capable of looking after himself

So why does he need to move him and his 3 children in with you and yours in a tiny 3 bed house? Where is the logic in that. Why would he want to?

[Rhibee1983]

Because he lives over an hour away from me. It’s costing him a fortune in petrol to come over 3/4 times a week. We have conceded that he is going to move over here and look for his own place this way for the time being

[Sloppychops]

I'm another that would say don't do it yet....
I have 3 children and DP has 1, we have been living together for almost a year (were together nearly 2 years before that). I'm just about to move back out with my 3 children as it's hard work us all living together. DP and I are still together, but we are going to live separately until the children leave school. It sounded great us all living together in theory, but in reality it's very hard!!

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

So why doesn’t he just get his own place? Why move in with you in the meantime? You know exactly what will happen don’t you? You’re kidding no-one with “in the meantime”

[DaisysStew]

I think unless you can afford a much larger home (which you’ve said you can’t) then moving in together would be incredibly selfish. It’s one thing having two 4 year olds sharing a bed but how will that work in a few years?

The other thing that stands out is where you state that the bedrooms are your kids rooms and you don’t want his kids disrupting things. If your DP moves in then you have to accept that his kids deserve a space in the home as much as your own children do especially with their additional needs.