I'm probably being the wicked witch...

[GimmeFourCrunchies]

I have an amazing four year old step daughter who I absolutely love to see each weekend and one day mid week.

I've been with my partner for two years and we live together, all very happy and in love. I really try to make an effort with his daughter and I know she loves being around us. I always do activities with her, chill with her and we spend time on our own together also. So, please don't get the wrong end of the stick - I think she's great.

However, she's very bossy and I don't think her dad really sees it and I'm probably being really immature/petty here so I'm prepared for the flaming!

Both myself and my partner drive each other's cars, obviously at weekends we share a car if we're out somewhere altogether... but he always asks her do you want to sit in the front or in the back? And she always picks front, now I have a tiny car and I'm cramped in the back in my own car! When I was growing up, it was the unwritten rule that adults sit in the front (gosh, I sound so petty!) but now it's a tiny three year old in the front seat.

Also, am I being unreasonable in asking her to tidy her bedroom before she goes home? Either myself or DP does it after she's home but I really feel she should help us tidy it?

[MsGameandWatching]

She thinks she’s queen bee and is exhurting her position in the pecking order.

What utter bollocks! She's just a four year old that likes to sit in the front when her Dad offers it. Was a huge treat for us growing up, I still remember the excitement.

I wouldn't like the back seat thing either OP and would have to say something. As for the tidying, that wouldn't really bother me but I know ideally we should I still good habits into our kids re tidying etc so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to give you a hand.

[babba2014]

My daughter is 4 and I'd expect her to sit at the back, so would her father. To be honest we can't be asked with the faff of moving the car seat around but even then, kids at the back, not because we are superior, it's just how it is.
In your situation I'd do it more like a treat thing, hey today why not sit in the front? Although I would start that years later.
And in your car it's your rules. Kids need to learn that adults do require some respect and instill values like that in them, because you're squashed and uncomfortable. Or you drive and he sits at the back.

Tidying up, yes she could help tidy or do it herself. It's more like, so we don't have to deal with mess later rather than I'm an adult and you as a kid have to listen. If my daughter is struggling or not in the mood we'll help out but normally telling her let's tidy quickly gets her in her natural way of action. We just don't like clutter.
Your way of thought is not incorrect. It can be changed without making her feel any less worthy.

[Anoisagusaris]

Magda72

It’s not illegal in Ireland

www.rsa.ie/en/RSA/Road-Safety/Campaigns/Current-road-safety-campaigns/No-Child-Car-Seat---No-Excuse/The-Law/

[Quartz2208]

Of course she will say front, her dad needs to stop asking and you should tidy together it’s not a big deal to sort


As an aside though if you are carsick sitting in the front really helps

[user1493413286]

I would insist on driving for the next couple of weekends and let her dad experience sitting in the back. My DSD would choose the front but as far as I’m concerned adults sit in the front.
I’d probably be a bit more flexible on the bedroom front but gently start introducing it even without your partners input. She might only put one or two things away while you do the rest but it introduces the concept. However at ten years old we’re still doing this with DSD so I’m prepared to be wrong on that.

[Wdigin2this]

Gimme your phrase, 'he's a bit precious about her', is the one that you'll need to be wary of! What if she said, 'I don't want Gimme to come in the car with us', how would he deal with that?!

[LemonysSnicket]

Well if your DP told her to sit in the back she would. It’s natural she wants to sit next to dad and he to her. If you haven’t said you’re uncomfortable how is she supposed to know?
And yes ask her to help tidy.

[Mymiraclebaba]

Child sits in the back... also she should be told to clean her room and tell her anything left on the floor will be thrown away when the cleaner comes as she likes tidy rooms 🍀

[ruleshelpcontrolthefun]

Whaaat? No, adults in front children in the back. And yes she should be tidying her room (with or without assistance). I have a 4yo DD and neither DH nor I would sit in the back to allow her to sit up front. She also tidies her room.

[Winosaurus]

I would say “SD would you like to sit next to daddy in the car” and if she says “yes”, you say “Lovely! I’ll drive so you and daddy can be right next to each other in the back” 🤣🤣🤣

[timelord92]

I think he’s a bit silly for asking her does she want to sit in the front over you as he’s setting himself up for problems later on down the road. Children should be in the back and adults in the front no questions asked.

We had an issue with this too a few years back when we had problems with my boyfriends daughter coming anywhere with us. I remember on one occasion he was delighted to tell me she would suddenly come to a friends BBQ as long as she could sit in the front. I said a flat out NO. Everything’s improved a lot now as we have a baby together and I sit in the back with the baby and she sis in front. The only time she makes a point of going in the back is if I suddenly decide that I want to drive.

As for getting her to clean her room I’m not too sure as I’m not used to having little ones about. I’d probably say she could help you clean up a little bit with you there with her. Getting her used to things like that will help her (and you two) later on as it will be a routine by the time she’s older.

[Winosaurus]

Also I see a lot of problems arise between SPs and SCs (and kids and adults in general) because parents don’t insist on pecking orders or respect for adults.
I was raised that you always offer you seat to an adult, you don’t talk disrespectfully to adults and I certainly wouldn’t have been allowed to sit in the front of the car if there was another adult with us.
In step families these rules seem to go out of the window because parents are trying to hard to appease their kids and be their friends rather than parent them.

It’s not your SD’s fault that your DP cleans up after her or that he gives her the option of having your place in the car but he needs to nip it in the bud. Whether it is intentional or not, he is teaching her that she is above you in the hierarchy which she shouldn’t be because she’s a child. I would find it very disrespectful if my DP did this, and she’ll take his lead with his treatment of you.

My DP asked if I would mind if he slept in with his DD whilst we were on holiday as she was pushing the boundaries and was annoyed he slept in a room with me, which would have seen me on the sofa bed whilst they shared the double bedroom. I said he could do as pleased but I would no longer be there in the morning if he pushed me out of our bed for her because I saw it as a slippery slope of behaviour towards me.

SD also tries it on in the car saying she feels unwell, so she ended up sitting in the front seat whilst I sat in the back on a few occasions. On the return journey one day I jumped in the driver’s seat and DP had to endure the cramped conditions. Funnily enough she was not allowed in the front next time!

You need to speak to DP about how it makes you feel. If he is “too precious” about SD to consider your feelings then you’re at a dead end I’m afraid

[JiminyBillyBob]

No way I’d cramp up in the back!!

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

It’s not petty. If her parents were still together do you think her Mum would be sat in the back?!

[GimmeFourCrunchies]

I'm so glad I'm not being unreasonable. I'm trying to find the balance between being the wicked step mother and a push over. I like everything to be clean and tidy and sometimes need to have a word with myself, she's four, she makes mess but that's ok, I guess.

I will bring up the car seat issue this weekend, I'll probably be direct and to the point and just say "pass me the keys, I'll be driving as I refuse to be squashed in the back of MY three seater!"

She does have an appropriate car seat - which Halfords said was ok in the front?!

Good point about if her parents were still together would she sit in the back? Probably not, I've never met her and I don't plan too!

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

no that is not on. YOu dont sit crunched up in the back of your own car. Anyway she is only 4, she needs a child seat. IN the back.

[WinkyisbackontheButterBeer]

I would have her in the back for her own safety.
There is a study here that supports it.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/19452372/

[Penfold007]

Are you or DP switching the front airbag on and off all the time?

[Girlundercover]

Why are you sitting in the back of your own car? Let me guess he always wants to drive? Next time grab the keys jump into the drivers seat and ask sd if she wants to sit in the front or back.
I’m sure when he’s squashed in the back he’ll change his tune!!

[poddige]

I know a woman who ONLY travels in the back. With her DD either going in the front, or in the back with her so she can tend to her every need... she's 7!

[DustOffYourHighestHopes]

I would never ever sit in the back while a child sat at the front. It’s about age, hierarchy and respect. CHildren are precious amazing things who get the best of most things, but this gives them totally the wrong impression of the correct pecking order.
I always let my parent/grandparent sit in the front if they are travelling with DH and me.

However, please don’t be tempted to label her as bossy or entitled. At her age, she has simple expectations and they have been created entirely by the world around her. It’s your partner’s job to correct his mistake.

[lifebegins50]

The test I would use is, if his mum/dad/best friend was in the car (instead of you) would they sit in the back?

If not you have a problem with your dp.

Re tidying, not before she goes gone as feels punitive but if she is at nursery/school she will be familar with tidy up time.A few mins in the day for tidy up is not a bad habit to be in.
It should not be onerous for her and I used an egg timer (they set up) to help them know it was time limited and actually made them try to tidy quickly to beat the clock

[Bibidy]

I had the car thing with my SS recently, when he came over and told me that when we went out he'd be sitting in the front and I'd be sitting in the back with SD.

I just told him myself - no, I'll be in the front and you'll be in the back with SD. When he asked why I said because when there's 2 grown-ups in the car, the grown-ups sit in the front and the kids sit in the back. He gets to sit in the front when there aren't 2 adults.

[Bibidy]

I should add that OH brought it up a few days later and said I was 'treating it like a competition'.

I said it's not a competition, adults sit in the front, end of. Not to mention this would never be an issue if I was SS's mother, there's no way we'd have to discuss who was sitting in the front every time we left the house.

[KateGrey]

When my friend and her family go out her oldest child sits in the front. She wonders why all her children have behavioural issues because this is one of the small things she ignores as “they’re free spirits”. And then gets annoyed. She’s the same person whose children (they’re 11,10 and 8) were messing around in a drs office and she rewarded them with ice cream and then moaned about their behaviour.

Shove your dp into the back and see how he likes it.