Does it need to be every weekend ?

[Everyotherweekend]

Advice needed, we have SS eow and time through the week, which varies depending on needs of DH and his ex's work. However this is now the 6th consecutive weekend we've had DSS. I understand we've have family visiting and he wants to see them (my family not DH) However it's the only weekend we have the opportunity I would have to spend time with my family in an adults only setting. I want to go on a day trip with just my family, then out for dinner in the evening. Followed by a low key Sunday, Sunday lunch etc. DH wants us to move the day trip to Sunday, for me to watch DSS on Friday while he goes out, take DSS to sport training on the sat, for him to come with us to dinner, then day trip on Sunday. Am I being unreasonable to want one weekend for myself with my family? DH has gone in the huff, because I suggested one weekend without DSS.

[timelord92]

Would you go out with your parents on the Sunday on your own without and leave him to it at home? If he gets to go out Friday nights then I don’t see why you cant have some alone time too. Also, if this is a recent thing then why is your partner going out why he has agreed with the mother to have your DSS for the weekend?

It isn’t your responsibility to mind DSS while he goes out either, that is up to him and the mum. I don’t think your being unreasonable as your DSS has been with you for 6 weeks now and as far as I can see, there shouldn’t be a problem having one weekend for yourselves. Afterall, even people still in intact families still have adult only time every so often so why should it be any different for you. Plus, the DSS also has a mother who should be glad to have her for at least one weekend again.

[NeeChee]

Due to illness, snow and pre-booked activities, this weekend will be the 4th in a row we have had DSS. I have to admit I'm looking forward to having a weekend to ourselves, if it happens. Something will probably come up knowing my luck lol.
You should definetly spend some time with your family. I don't see mine enough, and I feel bad for it :(

[Northernparent68]

Seriously a man who sees his son regularly is bein criticised ?

[JustMarriedAndLovingIt]

Mum and step-mum here. I find the dynamic is so different when the two step DC’s are here. We always have to be doing something ‘fun’ and interacting. It’s not like that with DS who lives here full time. He occupies himself, has his clubs, we do family stuff sometimes and he goes to his room sometimes. EOW when they are here is tiring, I know the feeling.

You need to get back to EOW by the way OP. And tell your DH that you are not babysitting HIS son. It’s his time to spend time with him so he shouldn’t be going out!

[Everyotherweekend]

I'm just going to leave it with him for the minute. I've made my feelings clear. I can be guilty of being a dog with a bone so to speak. DH has asked to include DSS I've said would prefer not. (We were meant to be going away child free for the weekend but we had to move it to mid week) If DH insists then, I'll go out with my mum on Friday. Leave him to either cancel his plans or take DSS. Continue to do the day trip on saturday, I'm going to book it today and if DSS wants to come he'll need to cancel his commitments/sport and it's the first of the season. BF has said she'll watch DSS sat night if needed. So frustrated, can wait to get back into a routine !

[Justdontknow4321]

Yanbu. Your husband is taking the piss.
1 weekend out of 6 is not unreasonable.
Why did your husband agree to this weekend if he knew it was your anniversary and it wasn’t actually your weekend to have him? I know his mum is struggling but you don’t have to help to the point it makes you miss key events or not do stuff you have planned.

I’d either say to your dh if he insists on having him that you will not watch him Friday so he can do his event or take him to sports as your busy so he will have to do it or say your have him Friday night but he needs to be dropped back first thing sat and his mum takes him to his clubs etc.

We have my partners daughter eow and I wouldn’t mind if we had her for a few on a trot for whatever reason but I would just say no if I already had plans.

[RandomMess]

You do need to take a stand he is treating both you and DSS badly. His son needs him at the moment but he's quite happy for you to babysit but not a professional sitter???

You need some adult time with your DH and rarely seen family but that doesn't matter to him either.

Seriously he is utterly selfish, self centred and taking the piss...

[smithssquarecrisps]

Your husband is taking the piss

[Everyotherweekend]

@RandomMess if I ever raise that I feel2nd to DSS husband just brushes it off ..... I'm with you all the time, etc etc. Love the idea of a sitter and just buggering off doing my own thing. But I want DH to come too and think I would look like the big bad wolf if I was to go to extreme lengths - car hire etc. just to get a day away from DSS. Think that would send the wrong message. But I totally see where your coming from ..... still radio silence from OH !

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

YANBU

Speaking as someone who had DSCs every weekend for five years!

It was very draining and I never got time to have my own weekend, a weekend with DP, time with my children without step sibling stresses. And not to mention it just enabled their mother to think parenting was just providing meals three weekday nights. The children needed their Mum at weekends just as much as their Dad. Of course bringing this up is awful. You just get labeled evil step mum.

Total and complete sympathies to you.

If it’s any warning to your DP - my DSCs stopped coming completely so DPs efforts to be there didn’t result in any better relationship for him.

[RandomMess]

Book a sitter, hire a 2nd car if need be. Tell DH his feelings of guilt do not trump everything and if he he feels THAT guilty cancel his Friday night plans and spend the evening with his son.

What happens when you raise with him that his hobbies come before DS needs and your needs are always behind DS'

[Everyotherweekend]

No, the plan would be 4 adults out for dinner. No DSS. (And yes he is older, but still not the kinda I want to watch TV alone type of kid) so not exactly a romantic evening, but one that involves relatively child friendly food, one cab and a night cap in a cosy bar.

[thethoughtfox]

Your husband needs to spend the weekend with his son and cancel his night out.

[catsmother]

I feel really cross on your behalf. Guilt in dads who live apart from their kids isn't unknown but in your case it looks as if it's pulled out when you don't agree to his plans, yet funnily enough HE doesn't feel guilt when he's off doing something he wants to do on his own.
I should imagine he has far more opportunity to participate in sport than you do to spend adult time with your elderly parents if you only see them infrequently. He's not being fair, and 'pulling rank' on the car, if you need it for a rare trip out with them, would actually be incredibly mean.

[HoppingPavlova]

Now I’m even more confused.

You have family with you and with sports training etc it sounds as though SS is not a young child.

So, you mind SS on Fri night while DH goes out. Your parents (or whoever is staying with you) minds SS on Sat evening while you and DH go out for anniversary meal. Minding an older child only involves being in the same house and policing the tv, not like a younger one so if there are people there already they should be happy to assist in this regard. Then you go out and have time with your family on Sun while DH minds SS.

[Everyotherweekend]

We've never used a baby sitter with DSS. DH has huge guilt as his lifestyle with his mum and us is polar opposite. He hasn't told his ex yet that we can't have him. It's more the constant expectation .... emailed DH today - let's do this on Saturday then go for dinner. DH reply - great, I'll check if DSS can come as he'd really like that - but we need to do it Sunday. Me ... erm no, I though we'd have a bit of time ourselves ..... result radio silence.

[Chugalug]

I don't know about step mum..sounds like yr doing way more than his actual mum...I think yr getting walked on/ over..

[RandomMess]

Perhaps now is the time to start using a babysitter? It's not like you only occasionally have DSS so there isn't really a reason not to? Look into babysitting agencies and ring around etc. I'd consider sorting it yourself this time and presenting it as s done deal.

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

Oh I missed that. Ok so you need to ask your DH that. Why hasn’t he organised a babysitter or told DSS Mum he can’t have him?

[RandomMess]

With the full picture than it's very clear just how unreasonable your H is being, I think I've read some of your previous posts and he really does seem to expect you to do all the day to day parenting of his DS and his lifestyle choices are paramount and come before your and DSS' needs.

for the TTC, as I tried to explain the way you worded your OP would leave you open to that sort of criticism.

[Everyotherweekend]

It's not our weekend to have DSS, it's our anniversary - why can't I spend time with him ?

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

No, your DH needs to do the ferrying and he needs to take DSS somewhere to give you and your family some alone time. Or at very least keep DSS occupied at home whilst you and your family go out.

[Everyotherweekend]

@Wdigin2this agree with the no argument piece. That was exactly my mum's advice. However for us to do the day trip I need the car, I fear DH will pull rank and demand the car to take DSS to his club. ....... so we can't really go and do the activities in mind without one.

[Everyotherweekend]

It's tough because SS mum is struggling at the min and we've been trying to help as much as we can. So I seem really selfish for wanting one adult only weekend. Also it's our anniversary, I've already agreed that DH can play sport on the Friday night, but feel there should be a compromise on the Saturday. Not ferrying DSS to clubs then not having an adult focused meal. (Baby sitter not an option as we've never used one)