Nephews stepmum

[Dazedandconfuzzled]

Just looking for some advice about what to do about my nephews new stepmum. My sister and her ex broke up around 6 years ago and have successfully coparented my nephew who's 8 ever since.
Her ex has recently got engaged and moved in with his fiance. Up until now my nephew has got on with her well. My nephew stays at his dad's every weekend. My nephew has asked if he can have a new bed cover for his new room and a picture on the wall, all to do with his favourite football team. His new stepmum has said no because it's a guest room not his room.
My nephew now doesn't want to stay at his dad's overnight as he says she doesn't like him etc. My sister doesn't know how to approach it with her ex as he seems to think that it's not a big deal but obviously it is to my nephew
Any advice?

[DontDIY]

What a cow, and what a spineless twit. If you buy a house together and there’s DC Involved on either side, then the priority in terms of bedrooms is for the parents and those DC.

They could buy a bloody sofa bed for the lounge for any guests, or give them address of the local B&B if they can’t sleep under a child’s duvet with a football poster on the wall.

Disgusting behaviour and shows that she doesn’t really consider it his home.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Hopefully her ex will see sense.

Poor little boy. You can buy a nice kid’s duvet for a tenner at wilkos ffs. He should have his own bed, linen, storage for his things, somewhere for his clothes, pictures he chooses on the walls.

How often do they expect overnight guests anyway? If he’s there every weekend not that many surely!

The new house is a big change already. I can’t understand this woman not falling over herself to make his DSS feel safe, comfortable and at home there

[grinchymcgrinchface]

Don't agree that she should fall over herself to do things for dss. But I do agree that his dad should. She doesn't need to fall over herself to do things for someone else in her own home but she could allow a duvet set and poster as that will hardly break the bank or hurt anyone.

[Alphabetsoup4]

I do think the child needs his own bedroom.

I also think every weekend isn’t workable for just one parent, and was set up when the Dad was single and probably wanting to please Ex. It’s very difficult for the child to have good parenting from each and it’s basically the Mum having every weekend free and the Dad never. Very difficult. I’ve seen this happen many times and it’s not a good arrangement at all. Far better EOW and some more weekdays.

[Dazedandconfuzzled]

His dad was the one wanting every weekend as in his previous job be was working till late through the week and it's just never changed even after he moved jobs. My sister knows this may have to change in the future.

[Alphabetsoup4]

I also think that she wants kids.

[Alphabetsoup4]

When they first got together his dad canceled a few weekends because she wanted couples time. Luckily for my nephew his grandparents (dad's side) get on well with my sister so are always there as a backup when his dad had cancelled on short notice

You see I do think your sister is not playing fair here. At all. She knows full well I imagine how tricky it would be to have another relationship if you have full custody every weekend. She obviously is not prepared to have her child any weekends otherwise she would have offered, but put that on his parents instead.

He sounds quite passive and so far your sister will have had that passiveness to her own advantage. Now another woman is trying to make a future and is being a SM every weekend yet without the maintenance. Don’t slag her off without making it more of a fair level playing field. Have thee child EOW.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

She obviously is not prepared to have her child any weekends otherwise she would have offered

Whilst I am not a fan of every weekend, there are circumstances in which it can work. A nurse working double shifts, for example, so she can spend the rest of the week with her child. It may be that she does a job that requires weekend working. Assuming it’s because she doesn’t want her ex to have a relationship, in the absence of any information as to why the contact pattern is as it is, is taking a huge step into confrontational territory unnecessarily. Most people are more than happy to see their ex move on.

[Dazedandconfuzzled]

My sister works weekends so when he cancelled on short notice she had to find someone to look after him or someone to cover her work. Like I said the arrangement was made by his dad and if it has to change then my sister will work something out obviously.

[Oswin]

How on earth is the ops sister unfair. To expect him to stick to parenting two days a week.

[Dazedandconfuzzled]

It worked well cause my sister works over the weekend to make it so that she could work less during the week meaning my nephew only goes to the child minder 2 days a week. Obviously situations change and that is a bridge that will be crossed when it has to be.

[grinchymcgrinchface]

Works well for your sister... but probably not for him and stepmum.

[Dazedandconfuzzled]

Well yes but like I have said it was a arrangement he made while he was working late through the week. He has never asked to change it. My sister worked out her hours based on the arrangement they had. If him and his fiancee have an issue with it they should say something. However none of this has anything to do with not allowing an 8 year old boy have a bed cover that he wants.

[Fullerhouse]

I’d also send him with he’s own quilt and pillow next weekend to make a point. I don’t see the harm in it at all, maybe she don’t want pictures hung up but a duvet set is hardly anything really is it if it makes the child feel at home. Also I’m thinking them toys may well stay at grandparents house, I don’t think she wants to make it part he’s home too which essentially it is. I can never understand why step parents never get this it should be the child’s second home considering one of their parents does live there

[Fullerhouse]

I’d also send him with he’s own quilt and pillow next weekend to make a point. I don’t see the harm in it at all, maybe she don’t want pictures hung up but a duvet set is hardly anything really is it if it makes the child feel at home. Also I’m thinking them toys may well stay at grandparents house, I don’t think she wants to make it part he’s home too which essentially it is. I can never understand why step parents never get this it should be the child’s second home considering one of their parents does live there

[swingofthings]

I agree with The1975, at this stage, we have no idea how it was said. What I find odd is that it wasn't clear before they decided to buy together. Surely they would have had the discussion along the line of 'obviously we need a 2 bedroom house so that my son can have his room' or 'it would have been great to have a 3 bedroom, but we can't afford it and that room will have to be for the baby we expect to have in a years time, so it's better to get him used from the start not to be too attached to the room that he will have to share soon'.

[3Blues]

When you get with someone with kids, you accept the kid is part of the package. It does not hurt to add little bits to make the sc feel welcome in their new home. It doesn't hurt to suggest this either. Yes it's partly her house, but she has been with him for long enough to marry him, aware he has a kid and buy a house with him. When dh and I were buying a house for us and our ds's, my dss were still very much a part of the decision process.

The SM is a bitch and as soon as she is pregnant your nephew will be pushed out. Guaranteed.