Difficult teen disrupting mum's lovelife

[Penny47]

My son (divorced with 2 young children) has recently met and fallen in love with a lovely lady aged 40. She is also divorced and has 2 girls, 16 and 12. The 16 year old is positively foul to my son and his children. Her poor mum is so distressed about it. The youngest would probably be more amenable if it wasn't for her older sister. Both her mum and her dad have spoken to her to try to make her behaviour more acceptable, but nothing works. Bless him, my son tries hard to bridge the gap. He recently invited them all out for a meal. The 16 year old sat at the table but refused to eat at all.
Her mum and my son would like to move in together - they've been together for a year - but the daughter's behaviour is making that unlikely.
Has anyone faced this problem? Any advice?

[user1495451339]

I think they should just carry on as they are and put thoughts of moving in together off until either the daughters are amenable to it or they have left home.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

The teen is acting up because she doesn’t want a man and his kids to move in. There’s nothing to suggest that she’s against her Mum dating per se.

[valuerangeweetabixandmilk]

Why should teenagers not dictate a parent's lovelife? Because they don't have a choice who comes into their world and family. Kids come first. They can still have a relationship just not involve the children. Yes she can move ut soon. So why not wait until then? I just don't understand why parents have to drag their kids into something which has nothing to do with them. She shouldn't be nasty with his kids. So don't make her meet them. At that age I'd have hated having to play happy famiies just so my mum could be with someone.

[EndofSummer]

It’s a tough one!

It’ll get worse probably, I wouldn’t be moving in just yet. I’d encourage your son to make the most of time just on his own with his gf - but realistically he can’t introduce his kids into a poisonous atmosphere.

[SandyY2K]

At 16...her mum can leave her at home when she visits your son.

If she's going to be rude to your DGC she can sit it out. I would not tolerate my DD being rude and hurtful to innocent children. If shes not getting punished for it she should be... as she's no right to do that.

I don't believe teenagers should dictate their parents love life. At the end of the day they'll soon be leaving home and won't give a damn if their mum or dad is lonely.

There is no need for the families to move in together.

[Penny47]

Thank you HipsterAssassìn. It's good to hear from someone in the same situation. The girl's father has been in a new relationship for some time and the two girls get on with her. She, of course, is able to offer what my son càn't - trips to beauty parlour, hairdresser etc. She shares these things with them and they enjoy it. My son, I think, might try too hard. They obviously need space. Unfortunately they live a distance apart and have to find time to spend time together which doesn't encroach on individual family time.
I hope they get through This, although it's not going to be easy.

[HipsterAssassin]

My dd aged 14.5 is in the eye of the storm of adolescence, her dad and I separated when she was 10yrs old. She has adapted very well. Dad has a new gf who moved in 2 yrs ago and is now step mum (oh how soon fathers move on haha! But all fairly straightforward as she has no dc). Relations between both houses are cooperative and easy going. Though I'm ever mindful dd is having to live with the consequences of mum and dad separating. We talk about this openly.

Nevertheless dd is a time in her life when she is quite steadfastly putting quite a distance between herself and the adults in her life (to put it mildly - we've had an 'up and down' year with her making some poor decisions and doing sneaky stuff - all normal teen stuff). What she definitely doesn't want (or need) is to suddenly play happy families with complete strangers.. no way! I've been with my bf for almost two years and she sees my bf every now and again. He has two kids. To try and blend families right now would be swimming against the tide of her development and this is the issue with blending with teens. So dd is civil and respectful (rightly so) and we are the same to her. And right now what that means is that me and bf continue to live in two houses. It's in the Interest of all involved.

What you can do OP is advise your son to just slow right down and put moving in off the table. That's by far the most important thing.

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

Which is why I don’t understand why he would want to move his children into a house with her. Surely if someone is horrible to your children you just say “well, that’s the end of seeing that person” and you don’t put your children in that position again.

It’s a confusing dynamic for kids. On one hand these are children who have no bond, no relationship, no common interests etc with each other, they are basically four strange children (to each other) visiting each other’s houses. Which of course we would all expect manners and polite behaviour as with any guest. However, on the other hand they are being treated as if they are already family, having family meals out, sharing family spaces and family time. Well what happens in family’s between siblings? They get on each other’s wick, they fight and squabble, wind each other up and sometimes when they are teens and they have hormones flying in all directions that can get quite intense! Especially if there are lots of them all getting on top of each other, and in each other’s way. Add to that the upset over their own missing parent, the new “parent” and step siblings and trying to work out who is allowed to go where and do what and say what, it all becomes quite stressful. You can’t force children to behave like a family and then be surprised when they act like family and not like they have guests in!

[LoverOfCake]

There is. Tell them to slow down. They don't need to live together, especially after only a year and with four kids in the equation.

It takes time to blend a family. Years even, and for many families it just doesn't happen.

But so many couples are so much about what they want, that the needs and thoughts of the kids get sidelined and before they know it they have a couple of resentful teenagers on their hands.

[Penny47]

Actually, I'm not "sticking my oar in". There is much I didn't put in my original post. I just wondered if anyone else had some advice regarding this situation. I am watching from the sidelines and just wondered if there was anything I could do to help all parties. From reading all the comments, I guess there's nothing I could or should do.

[TheRealBiscuitAddict]

No I don't believe that it's a behavioural issue either. This girl has had her family torn apart by divorce at her most vulnerable age - when she is likely going through puberty, Just a year on her father has a new woman and a new set of step children, and only a year after that he wants to move them all in and for everyone to play happy families. And to cap it all his mother is sticking her oar in with regards to the girl's alleged behaviour.

If I I was the woman I'd be heading for the hills.

[GeorgeTheHamster]

There's been too much change for this poor girl and your son is rushing into blending families when there is no need. They need to take it very slowly, reassure the girl that there will be no moving in, wait a few years if necessary.

[SkafaceClaw]

Wow - Northernspirit, how sad.

I genuinely do not believe this is a behavioural issue.

I really quite feel sorry for the girl, so much change at a time where she is probably feeling pressured with exams too. Her whole family dynamic has changed when she probably just wants some stability. I am not excusing her behaviour but moving in with another family after a year seems pretty quick to me.

See this a lot in my line of work and even though 16 sounds older they really are vulnerable and feelings are heightened. I remember the anger that my own ds had when my dad left when she was 16. It still affects her now in her 30s.

I would advise your ds to slow down and let the mum reassure her daughter that she is her main priority not blending in another family.

[NorthernSpirit]

I can’t see in the thread that the OP called the daughter vile. Another poster said she was ‘vile’ to her mothers BF?!

Going to go against the grain here..... it’s not right for a 16 year old to behave this way and to dictate what goes on.

Sounds like the girl has some behavioural issues (in that she acts this way with other people). Her mum needs to sort that out - get to the route of it. Children do think that the world revolves around them.

[TheRealBiscuitAddict]

We know nothing of this sixteen year old other than that she attended a meal but didn't eat any of it. That doesn't make her a vile person - it makes her a typical teenager who tbh probably wouldn't wrelish the thought of having to sit through a meal out with eight and six year olds regardless of whose they were.

There is far too much emphasis on how children should love/like/get on with incoming partners because the parent does, when actually by the age of sixteen she is almost an adult in her own right, capable of her own thoughts and decisions and entirely not obliged to like her father's new partner just because he does.

The answer is that it's entirely possible to have a relationship without the need to move in together after five minutes. And don't be so sure the eight and six year olds will stay cute and adoring for ever. Soon enough they'll be teenagers in their own right, capable of their own thoughts and decisions

Never ceases to amaze me that the person posting is always the one whose children are blissfully hapy, think the incoming partner is the best thing ever, and that it's always the step children who are the awful ones.

Perhaps rather than accusing a sixteen year old of being awful you need to look a bit closer to home and ask yourself whether it's actually your son's behaviour she doesn't like or want to be a part of. These things are very rarely a one way street IME.

[WhiteCat1704]

The 16 IS behaving like a vile, nasty person. Best to stay away till she is out. Some teenage girls are just horrible people..some will grow out of it but some won't...world is full of vile people after all. And not children anymore at that age.

I wouldn't be moving in together until she leaves home. With some luck it will be less than 2years.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

She is obviously a vile person

She is not obviously anything. Calling names of a 16 year old who has likely been to hell and back and in her world, would just prefer her family isn't disrupted any further is entirely unreasonable. There is a fine line between ignoring the concerns of your children and not allowing a child to dictate what should happen in your life. Ultimately, the children have to come first and a child who demands that isn't vile.

[valuerangeweetabixandmilk]

brand yes it is undesirable behaviour but I dont think the 16 yr old has the intentions of hurting op's grandchildren, rather she doesnt want a situation where she has to.
My children are not that old yet and I am divorced and daresayit lonely. I get why people want relationships but what I suppose I think is that it is unfair to expect my children to go along with my desires and wishes regardless of of they like it or not. I don't want a stepdad for my children
Too many women use the excuse of 'it'll be a proper family/good male role model/warmer home with more love' ad infinitum to justify their decisions to shoehorn partners into their childrens lives. Its more complicated hence the issues here and yes it isnt great behaviour (vile to me isnt the right word-nasty it may be) but it is a consequence of unforeseen rushing into a blended family before the relationship has taken off.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

However sweet and perfect the younger kids are, most people would prefer the status quo over a new step parent and step siblings moving in. There could be lots of changes to her life if your son moves in. Are there enough bedrooms for all of the children? Will she get less attention/lifts/money because there’s twice as many kids? Think about how her life might change if he moves in and you’ll see why she’s trying to prevent it.

I suspect that her behaviour will calm down if mum reassured her that your son wouldn’t be moving in until she’d finished A-levels (by which time the other teen will want to prevent your son moving in)

If he moves in now, it’s going to create a horrible situation for everyone.

[valuerangeweetabixandmilk]

I agree re the PDA. Cringeworthy and not appropriate if thats the case.

[swingofthings]

Teenagers come in all shapes and forms. Some are lovely, extroverted and friendly. Some are full of angst and lacking in confidence. The reality is that he has fallen in love with a woman with a girl going through a hard time who clearly needs her mum at the moment.

Your DS just has to one thing and that is to give her space. It judt isn't the right time to move in together. If there were no children then they could jump to do it but once you have children you have to consider everyone involved.

[Isadora2007]

Are your son and his girlfriend romantic towards each other? My friend in her 30s has a new relationship and it’s embarrassing how lovely dovey and smoochie hey are in front of others. I can imagine a 16 year old who is raw after a divorce would feel about that. Her whole world has been rocked and now she is expected to just fit in with the new boyfriend and his children?
Can’t you see why this would be problematic for her? Really? The Mum needs to spend one on one time with her and reassure her. Maybe the younger daughter could spend time with your son and his children so the 16 year old could begin to see some advantages to having them around.

STOP painting her out as the bad one though and start to see her as the hurt little girl she really is having been let down by the adults in her lives and struggling to trust another adult.