AIBU for refusing to look after my partner's daughter

[xxk8xx88]

My partner's daughter is 13 y/o. She was originally living with him after being took off her mom when she was 3. We moved into our own flat last year and she has been coming and going as she pleases since then. At the beginning of this year we found out she was self harming and saying that she wanted to die and hated her life. She was referred to CAMHS and was seeing them through school. She has been staying with my partner's mom and dad by her choice and them letting her and coming back to us when she wants to/is sent for one reason or another. She came back at the beginning of the week as my partner's aunt came to stay with his mom and dad and they didn't have room for everyone. She stayed one night and then went back to their house. I had bought a new pair of jeans (expensive for me) however they didn't fit so I planned to take them back and exchange them for the next size. The next day they had gone from the chair I had left them on ready to go back. I asked my partner to ask his daughter if she had picked them up by mistake and she said no. We have both looked for them everywhere and couldn't find them so he rang his mom and asked if she could check whether his daughter had them. She checked and it turned out she had even though she had previously denied it. It turns out that she has been stealing other things and lying about it. Am I being unreasonable in refusing to have her in my house when she is lying and stealing and refusing to look after her by myself when he is at work? I do not trust a word that comes out of her mouth and am worried that it is not just us she is stealing from but other people and possibly even shops.

[thethoughtfox]

This is a poor set up for a child. They need a stable home and not allowed to stay elsewhere or told to go away when it suits people. This isn't your fault OP. Her father needs to sort this out.

[swingofthings]

Bibidy, my comments which you highlighted was on the basis of what OP said in her first post. She later confirmed that she had no intention to chuck her from her home, and my response was different accordingly.

I do agree though that the issue of the jeans is nothing compared to the concerns about the medication which OP hasn't not commented any further on.

[Biglettuce]

Forget the jeans.

The biggest problem is the coming and going. She’s going to be in serious trouble it’s like not having parents, no one to keep an eye on her.

For her sake I think you need to sit down with the grandparents and structure the week. No running off, it’s not her decision where she goes. Her Dad needs to step up massively. Please warn them. Ask them. Plead with them.

[frzzled]

I am not saying I am banning her from staying at our home, I am saying that I do not want to look after her on my own as she has a tendency to lie about me and tell people I have said something I absolutely would not say. She has recently said I have said she needs to be committed. I have never and would never say this. We have tried everything to help her and it seemed to be working until her mother came back on the scene

[Bibidy]

Poor poor OP, she was lied to and had a pair jean -later recovered- stolen. That is much much more traumatic than a 13 yo saying that they hated their life and wanted to die. How dare feeling sympathy for the child rather than the poor SM who should get all her needs and desires met immediately at the cost of that horrible child.

And then we wonder why some SCs end up with mental health issues when they are faced with his attitude year on year. The selfishness of some women is beyond belief. if you cannot cope with a troubled and distressed teenager stealing once, then do everyone a favour and go and find a relationship where you can be as selfish as you wish without hurting a vulnerable child.

And attitudes like this contribute to why there is such a high incidence of depression amongst SMs!

Of course OP is annoyed that her belongings have been stolen by SD. That is a real issue that needs to be dealt with and it is very difficult when, as a PP has said, you're powerless to deal with it yourself as it's not your child.

OP, you can't ban SD from your home over this, your DP needs to properly deal with the issue at hand. You need to ask him how he plans to handle it and how he will ensure that SD stops doing this immediately.

[SandyY2K]

treated her like my own

No you haven't. Where would you send her if she was your daughter?

You don't get to chuck a child out because they have MH issues and stole a pair of jeans.

Your response is really troubling.

[HeebieJeebies456]

get a lock on your bedroom door OP.
That's the only short-term solution

[swingofthings]

I'm worried if she gets her hands on the pain killers she could potentially take them
Why? Are you saying you are worried she could overdose? If that's the case, then clearly there are concerns that she might still be suicidal and therefore her safety. If that's the case, surely that is much more a priority to deal with than worrying about her stealing a pair of jeans?

Surely if you are so worried, all you need to do is buy a cheap box with a locker and put your medication in there and then hide the box.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

WhiteCat1704
SD is clearly going through a difficult time. That's not the point here.

It is very clearly part of theproblem

The point is that its not OP who had caused it and its not OPs responsibility to fix it.

As an adult in the child's life and choosing a partner with children, I suspect that she (knowingly or unwittingly) has a hand in both.

and at the bottom of this pile you have a 13 yr old who doesn't seem to be wanted by anyone.

[frzzled]

I take tramadol, naproxen for pain and anti depressants along with diabetes medication. I'm worried if she gets her hands on the pain killers she could potentially take them

[swingofthings]

OK, sorry, this is how your OP read. Of course you don't have to look after her, but again, at 13, she shouldn't really need someone to look for her, and indeed, her dad should be her main parental support.

Good to hear she isn't suicidal but as you've said, she is seeking attention and if she's not getting any when she isn't doing anything wrong, she will in desperation do something she knows is very bad because she'd rather have negative attention than none at all.

A child needs to know that they come first and that they have one place that feels like home to them. It sounds like she has no such place, and no-one she feels is giving her the right attention, including giving her boundaries and discipline. The attention that kids need is a lot more than just showing them some interest when it suits, it's showing them by everyday action that they matter so much that those who love them are prepared to make sacrifices for their happiness. It's making them feel love and cherished and being there for them no matter what, when they are good and when they are bad.

The 'not wanting to talk and locking in her room' is indeed totally normal teenage behaviour.

I find it very worrying though that you fear she would go in your room and still your medication. For what purpose would she wants to take your medication?

[frzzled]

Swing -I am not considering closing my door to her, I am merely saying I do not feel comfortable looking after her by myself. Her dad has taken action as he has every time she has done something to be punished accordingly. Her actual mother is not on the scene and when SD decided to come back to live with us and refused to go back to her mom, she called her all the names under the sun and has basically rejected her. She has seen her twice since August last year and only because she has seen her siblings. She has been referred to CAMHS who have said she is not a suicide/self harm risk she is seeking attention albeit negative. She is a typical teenager in her attitude when we attempt to have a conversation with her regarding school etc. she comes out of her room to eat and then goes straight back in there and if we go in to speak to her we are told to go away and leave her alone so its not like she doesn't get any attention. We try and show an interest in her and are generally ignored unless she wants something, which she usually gets.

[swingofthings]

Also OP has said I do not have my own children and have treated her like my own and have had everything practically spat on.
So if she is indeed treating her like her own, why is she considering closing her door to it.

Also haven't read anything about her parents having done nothing about this issue. What it seems to happen is that this child is very unhappy at her mum, grand parents and at her dad's and OP and must be a very confused teenager feeling very rejected.

Maybe she stole the jeans just to get some attention and maybe she chose OP's because she's the only person she feels is capable of giving her the attention she needs.

[frzzled]

she came to live with us when we moved and then decided it was better at her mom's house because she could get away with anything and when we tried disciplining her she would call her grandparents and then they would call us and make us out as being unreasonable. She lived with her mom for 3 months and then decided she preferred living with us as she got what she wanted. She stayed with us from August last year until February this year and then decided she could get away with more at her grandparents. I have treated her how I would treat my own child, she has had everything she could possibly want. I had an accident last year and out of my compensation took us all on a family holiday which she ruined by being rude, speaking to us both like we were something she'd stepped in and then the rest of the week completely ignoring me and referring to me as "she" and "her" even when I was right next to her. It's not the fact it was a pair of jeans she stole, if she would have said she needed a pair, I would have either given them to her or bought her some, it was the fact she lied about taking them. I don't feel like I can have things for myself which I work damn hard for as she might steal them, she has previously stolen make up and I have caught her red handed in my jewellery box. My biggest concern is that she might steal my medication which I keep in my bedroom but as we have no locks on our doors she can easily get to even though she knows she is not allowed in our room. I have never ever said she can't come and stay with us or come back to live with us, it is her choice to stay with her grandparents and they are letting her. My main reason for saying I won't look after her by myself is primarily should anything happen whilst she is in my care and her dad is at work and unreachable, I cannot authorise any medical treatment for her as I do not have parental responsibility.

[swingofthings]

The fact that OP has fallen in love with somebody with a child doesn't mean she has to be a mother figure to that child. Its still parents responsibility to parent and in my experiance children want that, not dads or mums partner.
I fully agree with you, but on the same token, it doesn't make the house she shares with her DP and his child HER house.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for her to say that she shouldn't have to look after her SD (do 13yo need looking after at home?), but to ask if she can refuse her to come to the house, the house that is supposed to be this child's home, because of that incident is in my view totally over the top and unreasonable and certainly not her decision to make alone.

[LongWavyHair]

WhiteCat said it better than me

[WhiteCat1704]

SD is clearly going through a difficult time. That's not the point here. The point is that its not OP who had caused it and its not OPs responsibility to fix it.

You don't mention this girls parents swing..They are the selfish ones here and its up to them to deal with their child!!

And OP doesn't want her possessions stolen from her in her home, hardly selfish and equating to wanting "all needs and desires met".

What majority of women who never been in SMs role fail to grasp is that SC rarely want SM involvement and "help" or only in a very limited way. Natural parents almost always take percedence as they should but with the loyality and love from DC comes responsibility. SM doesn't get that love and loyality but she also doesn't have that responsibility.
It's not SM role to fill for natural parents short comings. I really don't get why SM gets the blame when its clear parents don't do their job properly!

[LongWavyHair]

Swing your friend is her son's mum and that's the difference. She has power as his parent to resolve the issues that are bothering him and therefore isn't relying on other people (ie his parents) to resolve things.

The op is in a more difficult situation. Her sd has stolen something that belongs to her but her parents aren't doing anything about it. The op is frustrated with this, so that's why she would rather not be on her own with her. Not saying that's definitely the right way to go about it but I think the worst people in this are the girl's parents for doing sweet fa.

[swingofthings]

Poor poor OP, she was lied to and had a pair jean -later recovered- stolen. That is much much more traumatic than a 13 yo saying that they hated their life and wanted to die. How dare feeling sympathy for the child rather than the poor SM who should get all her needs and desires met immediately at the cost of that horrible child.

And then we wonder why some SCs end up with mental health issues when they are faced with his attitude year on year. The selfishness of some women is beyond belief. if you cannot cope with a troubled and distressed teenager stealing once, then do everyone a favour and go and find a relationship where you can be as selfish as you wish without hurting a vulnerable child.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

Jesus wept. Using the word victim in relation to the actions of a clearly distressed young woman.

What does her father say?

[RebelRogue]

So all the issues started when you and her dad moved in?

It's not YOUR house, it's yours and your partners, and by extension hers as well. ATM the kid has no actual home, just passed from pillar to post.

[bakingaddict]

It seems a strange set up that your SC lives with your partner's parents but gets shipped out when an aunt comes to stay. The girl obviously has issues but is turfing out an emotionally vulnerable young girl really the way to go. Surely the absolutely first thing you do for a troubled teen is make a safe, stable sanctuary. It seems like she's been shunted around people her whole life

[WhiteCat1704]

Op is a victim. She doesn't feel safe in her home. Her stuff is being taken and she is being lied to on regular basis. Its NOT up to her to sort out whatever SD is going through. That girl has 2 parents that have parental responisibility and they have to deal with thier childs issues.

The fact that OP has fallen in love with somebody with a child doesn't mean she has to be a mother figure to that child. Its still parents responsibility to parent and in my experiance children want that, not dads or mums partner.

Op you are NOT unreasonable. Your DH has to step up here and take responsibility for his child and her actions.

[WiseUpJanetWeiss]

Well that's the whole issue isn't it, Swing. This situation is not the same as your friend's at all. The OP is being expected to put up with this behaviour but is not allowed to parent the child.

[swingofthings]

I've been fortunate that my children have never stolen from me and I've never stolen from my parents BUT I was fortunate that I've never felt in need, neither have my kids.

My best friend however has just gone through the same thing. The difference is that it is her son. He stole £100 from her purse. Frankly, I'm not surprised at all! He has just turn 16 and has low self-esteem and has always seemed desperate to be accepted by his peers and like them. He's very materialist and seems to think that to be respected, he needs to have the latest things. His parents, I feel, are very hard on him. He doesn't get any pocket money, he only gets a few £££ if he does extra work -in addition to normal chores- and when he turned 16, he was told that he wouldn't get anything at all because he could just get a job. As far as I believe, he has tried, but as we know, not easy at 16, and his issues with self-esteem doesn't help.

Anyway, it has turned out that he stole the £100 to buy the latest FIFA Xbox game. Supposedly, when he broke down in tears and admitted it, he said that 5 boys got together and they decided to randomly select who would be the one buying it (and something around that others could then access it, I don't get these things) and he got selected (which we all suspect might not have been so random at all). He was desperate to make them happy and be fully accepted in the group and had hoped to quickly get a job and get some money. Of course that didn't happen, they pressured him, and that's how he got to steal the money (the rest spent on pizzas to celebrate when they got the game).

My friend was furious and very upset, but being mum, telling him that he couldn't come in HER house wasn't even a consideration. After some shouting and screaming, they talked and the above came out. They have agreed that she was going to help him with job applications, walking into shops etc.. and he will repay with a big cut of his pay. She is also taking him to the GP to hopefully sign him up for some counselling to work on his self-esteem.

Sorry for the long post, but I have found this thread so sad. Most kids who steal do so because of some MH problems, which often come from issues at home. It's easy for SM to talk about THEIR house, but it rarely is so, it's usually at best their and their partner's house, and by proxy, their SCs house too. That kid seem to have nowhere to call home, nowhere to get proper parenting, yet OP seems to consider herself as the victim...