He doesn't want to be a stepdad

[user1498579797]

So here's my little story. My ex husband had an affair with a 19 year old girl when I was pregnant with our 3rd baby. He moved out eventually to be with her when the baby was 3 weeks old, the other two children were 4 and 3 at time. Life was hell.

2 years later I met a wonderful man, we get along so well and he made me feel so loved every single day. I was happy again. I love him too with all my heart. He has helped me through my divorce and has always been there for me.

He has always been honest about how how he struggles at times with my problems with my crazy ex husband (14 family court battles) and how I raise my children, but he still tried so hard to become involved with my life and my young children. Every time he struggles he would tell me he wants to keep trying because he doesn't want to be without me.

When we got together I was just happy dating him, took me 7 months to introduce him to my children. I have my own house, financially independent, the kids father are around half the time so I didn't need him to be around the kids. I wasn't looking for a stepdad. We have been away on small break a couple of times with the children which was lovely. But generally he has never been involved with the children's activities, which i am fine with as I enjoy time with my children on my own.

I never asked him to become a stepdad figure, the children has a dad. Also my boyfriend is always working aboard and I only have the kids half the time so they don't really see each other that often.

We have now been together for over 2 years and unfortunately reality hits again. He has brought up the issue about he isn't sure about being a "step dad" to my children again. He is 50 next year, his own children are all grown up and moved out and he is at a stage in his life where he has no responsibilities. My youngest is still only 4 years old.

He loves me so dearly and he is sad that he can't give me what I want and what my children deserve. We tried to break up but its so difficult as we are so in love with each other. We want to try but we don't know how.

Yesterday, I ended the relationship with him. I just hate to see that the man I love struggles to be part of my life. I figured that the only way to love him now is to let him go.

I've posted my story in a Facebook group but many people are very cynical about "this type of man". Some thinks he has been playing me from the start and that if he really loves me he should accept my children and be a step dad no matter what. They think he should not have waited 2 years to tell me that. I want to say I don't agree with them. I accept that he hesitated at first, but he tried and tried and it just didn't work out for us.

I am so heartbroken and it's killing me inside. 💔

[MooSakah]

@Sm7219

I don't see the problem, he doesn't ever have to be step dad! It's not his kid. Even if he moved in with you their is no reason why he needs to take any responsibility for your kids, financially or emotionally, there mum and dad's responsibility, end of story. He should invest his resources into his offspring and you yours that's natural.

As long as he's a good bloke. Sorted. Be happy.

Hello this is a VERY old post now.

[Tattler2]

@WillRikersExtraNipple
So much of what you say makes sense to me. In many relationship situations there is no right or wrong; there are just differences of opinions and perspectives. However, on MN, many take the opinion that their partner owes it to them to accept "their "perspective as the right way to give " their " happiness primacy in the decision making process.

Unhappy people always have the option of stepping away and looking for comfort and agreement in other more compatible relationships.

[Tattler2]

OP, i would imagine that very few men enter the dating pool wanting to be a stepdad. Most are , i woukd assume, just looking for romance and companionship.

How were you used in anyway? It is obvious that you found the man to be someone with whom you enjoyed the time spent together. Assumedly, you got as much from the relationship as you gave. I fail to see how anyone was used in this situation.

If you are entering into a relationship looking for a step father for your kids, you should make that clear at the very beginning to any potential dating partners. That will remove the possibility of your being used and it will allow the other person the opportunity to make an informed decision as to whether you share the same goals.

In fairness to your partner, if he is uncomfortable with your parenting style, he may not want to buy in to watching this style Gor the next 14 years.

It sounds less like he does not want to be a stepdad and mire like he does not feel that your views on parenting are compatible.

He is at a very different place in the life cycle, having reared his own children, and may realize that he is not prepared or desirous of restarting that process all over again.

I think that if you were at the same stage in the life cycle your relationship might have stood a better chance, but there is no reason to try and force something that has so many obvious obstacles.

He is not the only fish in your sea, and you are not the only woman that he is capable of loving. Given what you want for your future, it is best that you let this fish go.

[RedWingBoots]

My boyfriend has always been a good listener and always try to give advice, but sometimes he can't keep his mouth shut. He doesn't always agree with my parenting skills or things i do with the children, and he struggles with it. That's the problem.

He's clearly lacks some self-awareness as you can't give detailed advice to someone on children you have don't know let alone have never met. You can only give suggestions on what to try.

He's also unaware that children behave differently with different people.

[Sm7219]

I don't see the problem, he doesn't ever have to be step dad! It's not his kid. Even if he moved in with you their is no reason why he needs to take any responsibility for your kids, financially or emotionally, there mum and dad's responsibility, end of story. He should invest his resources into his offspring and you yours that's natural.

As long as he's a good bloke. Sorted. Be happy.

[ticandtoc]

I really empathise. That's a tough situation to be in.

I have experience of this and all I would say that if you were to be together it would get harder as he gets older. I met my second husband in his 50s and he is now 63 - all his friends are now empty-nesters who are spending their days going on holidays and playing golf etc - and although he doesn't ever say anything, I know he is envious of their free lifestyle without young children.

I wouldn't bash him for being uncertain - no one knows what another person's life is like until you've walked in their shoes - and he has tried to give it a go which is really admirable. He clearly loves you.

He is being honest now - and that's what counts. I feel guilty almost every day and feel like a burden on my husband - even though I know it was his choice to take me on with two young children. He tells me I am being silly - he knows this was his choice. But he is getting more and more tired and has to keep working to support us all (I do work but don't earn much) - when he really should be retiring.

It's hard but in your heart of hearts you already know what the right answer is.

He was the right person to help you over this period of time. There will be someone else who is right for you xx

[SteppingOnToes]

Can I just say it is really hard being a SP in a family where the parent is lax about discipline and manners - it makes for a really strained life. I have been living with my partner for 6 months and am looking for somewhere else to live solely due to his childrens' behaviour. It is perfectly normal to eat at the table. My DP allows his children to eat on the sofa with their fingers and the place gets grotty because of it. It's a nightmare when we eat out as how on earth can they be expected to behave when the day-to-day standards are so low.

I suppose it depends on what you want for your children - I'd rather have polite, pleasant children that aren't slobs. But then I'm seen as hard faced and a 'snob'. It is behaviour that used to be standard... And still is in school

[swingofthings]

Yes, great post ladybee, but also very much agree with what you are WillRiskers that sometimes -often?- things don't work out and it's noone's fault, circumstances and different mindsets get in the way.

[Magda72]

GREAT post Ladybee - just wanted to say that!

[WillRikersExtraNipple]

This man has done nothing wrong. He was honest about his feelings from the start, he never pretended to feel any differently. He's raised his children and has no interest in starting all over again, and even if he did they had very different styles of parenting so it would never work anyway.

No-one is right, no-one is wrong. It's just not a relationship that can work. Why does there have to be blame and recrimination instead of just realisation and moving on?

[ladybee28]

Hey user1498579797 – I'm reading this and wondering if the two have you have talked about what 'being a stepdad' means to each of you?

I'm with a man who has an 11 year old DS, and I certainly don't see myself as his stepmother.

I do, however, play a role in his life in the same way as I would want to with any kid – in fact, any human being – that I spent a lot of time around. We hang out, play together, get into debates about things, cook together... I teach him about my perspectives on the world that differ from his dad's, he teaches me about the stuff he's into, and I love getting to be another person in his life that he can learn from and grow with.

To some people that TOTALLY looks like 'being a stepmother', but I really don't identify with the term, and I wouldn't want to think of myself as a parent figure to him. He's got two great parents already (don't know DP's ex, and DP's not a big fan of her, but given how lovely DS is, she must be doing a great job). There are also ways that DP parents that I don't think I'd do with my own kids, but I trust that a) he always has good intention behind his choices or a rationale I can't see, and b) DS can get other perspectives and approaches from other people.

Case in point: when he's home with us, DP gets DS EVERYTHING – if they're watching a movie he'll ask for a glass of juice, and DP will get up to pour him one in the kitchen. At 11, my opinion is he can do it himself, and I want to encourage maximum independence, confidence in his own capabilities, and consideration of others. So If he asks for a glass of juice with me, I'll say "Sure, I think there's orange in the fridge. Actually, I'd love one too, would you mind grabbing one for me?". I don't have to tell DP he's wrong for taking the approach he thinks is right – I just be myself.

And to be honest I like the idea of having an unclassified relationship that DP, DS and I get to create together, that's uniquely ours.

This stuff took a lot of me banging on DP's brain-door, though – as it was something he thought would just magically fall into place, and I was initially REALLY nervous about being seen / expected to be a 'parent' figure (given what that word means to ME, not necessarily what it means to him). The assumption of free childcare any time DS is with us and DP has to go out, for example: I'm not into that idea, so we had to sit down and get clear about what I'm up for and what I'm not. I had to battle to discuss it a little, because it was so not a 'problem' that was on DP's radar.

I'm sure you and he have probably talked about this, so please don't think I'm being patronising, but just in case you haven't – it might be worth digging into what the terminology means to this man you love so much, and figuring out what else could be possible.

Does he mean he doesn't even want to SEE your kids?
Doesn't want to end up doing their laundry?
Is the boundary for him around disciplining them?
What does 'stepparent' mean to the two of you?

Does all this make any sense, user1498579797 ? I'm aware I just downloaded a lot and I'm not sure where it all came from!

[WannaBe]

Honestly this idea of being in a casual only relationship with someone and them choosing (and you accepting) to have nothing to do with the children baffles me.

Yes, it's possible to not be a step parent in that the children have two parents and don't need another one to have decision-making rights within the children's lives. But there is a vast, vast difference between that and actively having a relationship where it is casual only, you profess to love one another but one side gets to also stipulate that they don't want anything to do with the children and the other one accepts this.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a step parent. I wouldn't want to enter into a relationship with someone with children younger than mine either. But I would be up-front about that from the start and wouldn't seek relationships with men with younger children, because feelings and then ultimate decisions over whether a relationship has a future are inevitable, and if step children are a deal breaker then the conclusion is inevitable. But as a parent I also wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who didn't accept the fact that I have children and who therefore had casual only as their mantra for the foreseeable future. Me and my child come as a package, any man who couldn't accept that wouldn't even need to find the door because he wouldn't get through it in the first place.

And as for the fact that the DC see their father 50/50 at the moment, what happens if/when that changes? What happens when they become teenagers and want to spend time with their mates instead of going to their dad's or just don't want to go to their dad's for whatever reason.

My DS spends nights at his dad's during the week but hasn't stayed there at the weekend since March last year. If I'd been in a casual relationship with a man who professed not to want step children we would have gone from contact when the DC weren't at home to nothing at all overnight, and there the relationship would have to end. You just can't throw casual and love into the same mix. If you love each other then it is inevitable that at some point you will want to move the relationship to the next level, even if that doesn't involve cohabiting for whatever reason. But if one party has rejected the other party's children then there will never be a way to make that happen, and at some point decisions will need to be made about the future. Better sooner rather than later IMO.

[Bananasinpyjamas4]

This is a hard one. I have met men out of long term marriages and grown up kids, and for a while the last thing that they want is to be straddled again - as that is part of the reason why they left.

Yet he probably also likes very much the feeling of being needed too.

But you will be in the middle of this pulling away / coming back for months or years and it will wreck you. He probably is a great man in all sorts of ways - but you do have to be relatively stress free to be able to manage your kids. If he is not supporting that it's best ended. Sorry I know it's hard.

[user1498579797]

And yes that's the bit I don't understand. He wants raise his opinions but is scared to be part of it.

[user1498579797]

Well... I allow my kids to eat on the sofa in the living room. He thinks kids should only eat at the table in the kitchen.

Who's right? Who's wrong?

[Branleuse]

ok, so not insulting, but critical

He doesnt want to be part of your childrens lives, and doesnt think youre bringing them up right?

[user1498579797]

I wouldn't go as far as saying he insulted my parenting, they are simply disagreements and different beliefs/principles when it comes to children. He finds it hard watching me do things in a different way from when he raised his children.

[jojo2916]

IT would be a deal breaker for me but then as you have not involved him in your kids lives he's not been able to establish a relationship with them. If you made it clear you didn't want his involvement at the start that may have set the standard for how much responsibility he would take, I would ensure my partner is a big part of my kids lives or I wouldn't want to be in a serious relationship with him.

[Branleuse]

I think him regularly insulting your parenting, is very different to not being keen on being a stepdad

[thethoughtfox]

Be thankful he has been honest instead of moving in with you and your children, resenting them and treating them badly. You need to move on.

[user1498579797]

I appreciate many people saying they don't see a problem here as I am not asking for him to be a step dad and we can just carry on with the way we were. That's what I thought too, and that's probably also what he was thinking.

However, in real life, it is inevitable that if he is in a relationship with me he will have to be involved with the children on some level and it doesn't necessarily mean he has to be physically involved. The children are part of my life, I love them more than anything, I talk about them, I plan my life/days/holidays around them, they make me happy, they upset me, they make me worried, they make me angry.... and these are all the emotions that I want to share with someone. In particular the person I love.

My boyfriend has always been a good listener and always try to give advice, but sometimes he can't keep his mouth shut. He doesn't always agree with my parenting skills or things i do with the children, and he struggles with it. That's the problem.

:(

[Lottie991]

Swingofthings, I think respect and priorities goes without saying thats pretty much standard to what you would expect out of any relationship, I speak from experience , Someone loving my children enriched our relationship, I couldn't be with anyone who didn't want a relationship with them, I think thats a normal feeling for anyone with young children.
Also there are plenty of fish in the sea, To think that you can't find a good man from the millions on this planet is untrue.
I have to say when i was a single mother to two small children I attracted MUCH nicer better men than I had when I was child free and single. I think this was very much down to my no tolerance for crap. My love for my kids many found attractive and happy in the know that if we were to have children that I am a very capable mother.
That I was confident and knew what I wanted out of a relationship.
That I had my shit together.
And a positive attitude.

I have now been married for years happy children and happy life.
Op he just doesn't quite tick all your boxes I wouldnt settle.

[swingofthings]

You will get so much more out of a relationship where someone shows care for your kids,
Not forcibly. Respect for them and for you prioritising them in your life, but there is a lot more to making a relationship fulfilling then a man showing that he cares for your children.

There are plenty more fish in the sea. Not plenty of good fish though! I was single for 6 years before I finally met someone I fell in love with and felt I could spend my life with. Inevitably, it came with some compromises, but they were certainly worth being with him.

I'm sure you must have thought hard before making your decision OP, so it must be the right one for you. You can change the way you deal with your feelings, but changing them all together is not something you can impose, just hope to happen with time. He gave it a try, was honest from the start, but ultimately, he can't cope with the prospect of being around young children on a daily basis, even if half of the time. That doesn't make him a bad person.

After all, how would your friends feel if they met a man who came with older parents that needed looking after? Would they indeed jump at the idea of moving with him and then and contributing to helping with caring for his parents, even though they found them difficult and demanding? I bet many of them would choose the exit door, so who are they to judge him?

[Lottie991]

You will get so much more out of a relationship where someone shows care for your kids, They are very young still, Personally when I was a single mum with a toddler and a baby I wouldn't date anyone who wouldn't except me having children.
I was clear from the start that I had kids and if people couldn't except it then that would be finished.

There are plenty more fish in the sea.