Do i give the ex a key to our new house?

[leedsstepmother101]

Some background...we have been together for 2 years and are buying a place together, moving in (hopefully...another story!) in a month or so. We live together in his house that he and his ex bought together, and she left him for another man (her current partner I think) about 4 years ago. They have a gorgeous 6 year old who we have 2/3 nights a week. I love being a step mum to him, its so special to share these years with him and im grateful to his mum that she makes it pretty easy for us all. There is no real bitterness and its amicable.

The issue is that essentially, I am living in her house. its still furnished with her stuff, im sleeping in their bed...weird. When she left, she didn't take anything, just her clothes and his baby stuff. They get on pretty well for the sakes of their son, so no one wants to rock the boat. It drives me crazy however that she comes and goes from our house as she pleases, still having her keys. She drops stuff off for him during the week without telling us beforehand and she will occasionally just let herself in of an evening to pick something up. I found this really hard at first, understandably I think. She drops her son off and collects him from ours, we never collect. Id be happy to, but its the routine we are in from when my boyfriend didn't want to go to the house of the man who had 'taken his family' (she moved straight in with him, weeks after the split with a 2 year old).

So, we are buying a house together, which is already causing issues as its a lot bigger than her place. We have 2 houses going into one and I have a pretty good job, we can just afford more. She has made it very clear that she is outright jealous that he is doing well and her son will have a lovely home to grow up in. She is expecting that we will give her a key so that things can carry on as usual...however I want to put my foot down and say no. I feel as its our space (well actually mine, its only me on the mortgage), I don't want his ex turning up unannounced or potentially nosing around when we aren't there....I would, its in our nature to be nosy right?! I know this might make life a little more complicated short term but I don't think its unreasonable.

Has anyone been in this situation before, from either side? What did you do? I don't want to cause WW3, but I also want to feel like this is our space, and that its private.

[BlueSkyBurningBright]

Absolutely no way would I let the ex have keys to the house. The fact that she wants them and is expecting them, sets off alarm bells for me. If she is being jealous, then I expect she wants them so she can have a good nose around.

Every so often DH's ex starts on about their DS having a key for our house. This just strengthens our resolve for him not to have one. There is a reason she wants him to have one.

This new home is the start of a new chapter for you both, and you need to do it without her walking in and out when she feels like it.

[Fiona1984]

I've just spent two years trying to get my ex to sell up our old house which he was living in. I asked for keys and he refused. What he doesn't know is I already had keys, but I wouldn't have dreamed of going around anyway. I just wanted to pressurise him.

[wheresthel1ght]

mycats - there is a big difference between this situation and a landlord.

I left my marital home (no kids involved) and my ex tried to have the locks changed, He was told by the police and solicitor as well as my solicitor that he cannot do it and as I was a part owner of the house I had right of access any time I wanted.

[NerdyBird]

No key. Things may have to change for dropping stuff off but that's no big deal. My dsds' mum doesn't even bother getting out the car when she collects, which is a bit rude but preferable to someone wanting to come in unannounced!

[Mermaidinthesea123]

Fuck no! It's bad enough she has a key to their old place and it's totally unreasonable of her to expect to do the same in your new house.

[MycatsaPirate]

wheres No she doesn't. In the same way a landlord has a mortgage and a key, it doesn't mean he can wander into your home at will.

[wheresthel1ght]

if she is still on the mortgage of his current house then she has right of access so can come and go as she pleases - although courtesy would dictate she checked first, legally she doesn't have to.

But as to having keys to your new please - Not a chance in Hell!!! My DP's ex is banned from setting foot inside our house after she waltzed in without knocking one day. her take is it is her kids home too (correct) and therefore she has right of access whenever she likes (er fuck no!) - DP was told in no uncertain terms that she was never to set foot uninvited ever again.

[LineysRun]

I'd be a bit concerned about my DP's role in all this, tbh, if I were you, OP.

He's let his Ex have a key and waltz in and out of your home. He hasn't even changed the mattress you sleep on? And he hasn't put his foot down on anything much, by the sounds of it.

Yet you are the one making the massive investment in taking on a mortgage for a large house. Are you legally protected here, thinking of the future? Relationships, especially ones involving Exes and step-children, very sadly can and do go tits up.

This whole key business has 'unhealthy' written all over it.

Please just be very careful.

[WashingMatilda]

What fresh hell is this????
No no no

[daftgeranium]

One word. Boundaries.

No key. Sort it out. She is taking the piss. And you are letting her.

Your partner is being really crap

[MycatsaPirate]

OMG! No!

We were in the same position and his ex would just come and walk in the house when we lived there. It was just so excrutiating. She'd go upstairs to look at the kids rooms and then sit herself down and wait to be offered a cup of tea.

The best was when she was picking up her DD and would bring all the stuff down, empty everything out of the bag and check it all off a list. While saying things like 'oh do you remember when we got this? On that lovely family day out we had?' Oh just fuck off love! You left him, he's moved on. You don't need to come and piss all over our house like an invading tom cat!

I was so bloody glad when we moved. She never even got over the front door here.

[PeppaIsMyHero]

No key. No.

[daisychain01]

What's your DPs attitude to the situation OP?

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Get an electric lock (ie, keyless). Tell her she can have the code for when she needs to drop stuff off. Explain sweetly that you'll get an automated response on your phone when she opens the door and closes it and (tinkly laugh) it's quite funny being able to see who is coming and going from the house.

Oh and you can withdraw her code at any time from your phone - so you can lock her out accidentally at will.

I'm very PA though.

[Nutterfly]

No, no and no. And I speak as someone whose ex has a key to mine (and vice versa). It's convenient when one of us is out and the other needs something of Ds's but we always send a 'is it okay if I let myself in to get x' text first and wait for confirmation, and it doesn't happen very often. We'll also feed each other's cats if away for the weekend. Again, prior arrangement. If he just let himself in without checking first and without good reason, I'd be asking for my key back. And I wouldn't dream of just letting myself in to his.
But your situation is different. She's letting herself in without knocking, no heads up and no respect that it's your home. Huge boundaries being crossed. Absolutely no to the key.

[lorelairoryemily]

No way would I give her a key! And if she asks just laugh!

[NeedABumChange]

If she was better behaved then I'd say yes. It's handy at times. My divorced parents had keys to each other's houses but they respected each other's privacy. It was only my appointment or emergency that they'd use it.

[user1486334704]

Do not provide a key! It is your home!!! Huge invasion of privacy and reinforces the 'entitlement' imho.

My husband's eldest child was provided with a key to our home aged 13. Soon became aware that her mother had copies of the key cut and tried to get into our house whilst we were on holiday....

[WannaBe]

When me and eXH first split up we both had keys to each other's houses because it enabled us to come and go with DS if he needed to pick up something, and he was still too young to have a key of his own.

It would never have occurred to me to just go round there and let myself in though, in fact even if I did have to go round with him to fetch something I would still give him my keys to open the door. About three months after I moved out I went round with DS to pick something up and he inadvertently locked my keys inside the house so I had to go into London to get my spare key from eXH. He gave me his house keys so I could go and get my keys. Letting myself into his house even though it was literally just to pick up my keys from the shelf where DS had left them felt so incredibly intrusive even though it had been the former marital home. I was in and out in about ten seconds. The idea of going in for a look round or making myself at home would never have occurred to me in a million years.

DS is older now and has his own keys to both houses plus eXH has a new partner, DSD and a baby, there is no need for either of us to have keys any more. Plus I think we've both changed the locks for various reasons so it wouldn't have occurred to me to give him a key at that point.

It's simple really. Just don't give her a key when you move. It needn't even come up in conversation. The only thing I would say is that if the DC are young and they're likely to want to come round to pick things up etc then it will need to be more pre-arranged. Also to be aware that once the DC are old enough to have keys of their own this could cause issues if the ex is likely to want to use them herself.

[carefreeeee]

I wouldn't give her a key. Presumably your large house will have a porch or garage where stuff could be left if need be? Or she can bring it when she drops him off.

I have a key to my ex's house (split up 8 years ago) but I'd never ever go round without asking (he is single now - when he had a partner he told me not to go round as she didn't like it, so I didn't - that's normal). He had a key to my house but I asked for it back when I got a new partner as the new partner didn't like the idea of it.

[Biglittlefeet]

I wasn't happy about it... but even more unhappy when I came back from work 3 days later to find our washing machine on and full of all her underwear and she'd clearly rummaged through our post. Wow!

NO key.

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

just because she's on the deeds of the house does NOT means she should be able to come and go as she pleases.
it's no longer her main residence and she's actually invading her ex's personal space and privacy.
it's also a very passive aggressive attack on you, it's like in some weird way she's still claiming to have a 'special' place in his life, that she will always be more 'important' than you

He should have nipped that in the bud when they split, but especially when you moved in.

Tough that she's jealous....i guess she wasn't expecting him to do better than her
and now she can't play those games either - that probably pisses her off even more!

Your new house is a fresh start, it's your home....and you decide the rules.
She doesn't need to like the new boundaries but she has to respect them - especially when the open access doesn't work both ways.
She can still drop off/pickup from outside the house.

she just doesn't need a key - even for emergencies.

[mirren3]

As mumsnet would say "no is a complete sentence"
No way would I be giving her a key, would your DP be happy if you gave an ex a key to your new home?