don't know how to help him

[Toastie81]

Hi all, new here. Sorry if this gets long - need to vent!

My DP and I have been together coming up to 10 years, we have a DD (7)
At the beginning of the year DP's DS (12) came to live with us as his mum basically kicked him out - she says she can't cope with his behaviour. DSS also said he wanted a fresh start with us. He is a lovely caring boy and my DD was really excited to have him come stay with us. We knew there would be lots of adjustments to be made for all of us. We are over 100 miles away from his mum so it was a long way for a 12yo to move. However we seem to spend every moment dealing with his issues and I feel my DD is suffering - it is 3am now and I just can't sleep thinking about all of this.

He has always had wetting issues. Day and night - no particular pattern. The exw says he has been discharged from the hospital as nothing wrong. We know this is not an uncommon problem especially in boys, but he lies about how and when it happens. The school nurse says we are doing everything right in terms of trying to manage this. He has an alarm to get up in the night (which wakes us all up) but he lets it beep for a long time then switches it off and doesn't get up. So most nights DP has to go get him up. In the day if he is wet, he will most often quite casually tell us he didn't make it in time. However after a chat he will admit that he was doing something and didn't want to stop so waited too long.

He also 'forgets' a lot of things, or makes excuses - how/when his underwear got wet for one, but also when we ask him to do something or ask for info from school - even when we write it in his diary. After a chat he usually admits that he lied about this also.

I really feel sorry for him, and want to help him. His mum has told him straight she doesn't want him back. She also told him that his troubles would follow him wherever he went. His self esteem is so low, he looks like he will cry (and very often does) when we ask a simple question. I think every interaction he had with his mum was her yelling at him for something.

There are other things too, but I think a lack of positive attention/guidance has been the cause of all this. Obviously DP now feels guilty for not being around more, but 100miles isn't a 'just popping round' distance - especially with a full time job.

So, we recognise his problems and know it isn't his fault. He says he wants help, but doesn't seem to understand when we say the lying isn't helping. If we ask him what we talked about last week - he can't remember. We seem to have to control everything he does because he doesn't think to do anything for himself. We are trying to remain positive and encouraging, but all this attention on him is affecting my DD already after only a few months.

Anyone been in similar situation? Does it get better?

[OutToGetYou]

Double up on the sheets - waterproof, sheet, waterproof, sheet.

Then if he wets, he strips the top two layers off and sleeps on the next layers.

Put a basket in his room he can out them in at night. I think the idea would be to make it 'safe' for him to deal with. You can get some nice waterproofs these days.

[Itisbetternow]

Outogetyou - that is what I did with my youngest and he managed at a very early age bless him. Gives them some control over the situation.

[Toastie81]

Hi. Thanks again. Not got long. Trying him taking control. Showed him how to use machine. No room for basket in room but he has bags. Trouble is he doesn't do it. Waits for us to find it and then we have to talk him step by step again. He doesn't seem to retain what to do. Still working on it.