Advice please? :)

[Writingdragonfly]

Hey I'm new on here thought I'd say hello and sound out some help :)
So I'm 27, got 2 beautiful daughters aged 6 and 4, separated from their dad pending divorce (he wont sign and admit his affair) and I've met someone I'm crazy about, beeing slowly seeing each other a year and a half. He is genuinely a wonderful guy, has 2 boys also aged 6 and 4, he's a teacher and we get on so well eveything seems perfect. We have been taking things super slow and the kids get on really well, always asking if we will get married one day so they can be brothers/sisters and so on, its been a piece of cake so far. Except a few things, and i totally know theyre my issues but i dont know how to get rid of them.
I find myself getting jealous of his boys, theyre lovely boys a little rougher than i would allow my own kids to be but im used to my girls who are gentle and sweet natured (they literally never argue) im concerned about the way theyre being raised by their mum (who has 4 other kids who are teens and a total nightmare by the sound of it) And i worry that my girls will be affected by the attitudes of his boys and their roughness. If we were to ever live together (we both have our kids 50% of the time and always at the same time it seems) i know it would bug me that his boys are allowed to watch cartoons i wouldnt dream of letting my girls see, they play rough and fight with each other, he intervenes but still, and the language isnt good sometimes as they pick it up from their older half siblings who swear.
Whilst i know i genuinely love his boys, and he loves my girls and we are crazy about each other, am i mad to let this bother me? i know i cant wrap my girls in cotton wool but i think ive done a bloody good job of raising them right and they arent perfect but theyre so sweet natured to each other and when they spend a lot of time with the boys they do change towards each other, arguing or using rude words and then we have to have our chats about why the boys do that and are always getting told off by their dad for it.
He is a great dad, he is great with my girls, stuff between us is almost picture perfect and then when he has his boys it tumbles downwards. I now become resentful of the times he has them, realising that when he got told he was having them for the whole half term coming up because she wants to go abroad without them, i had to go and calm down because i selfishly thought "what about our time?" usually we both have all 4 kids the first half of the holidays and then no kids the other half and we do our own thing. I TOTALLY get that he is excited to have the kids in the half term but i will barely see him, between him doing school work and the boys, and when i do we wont have any alone time at all.

So am i being a total selfish bitch, because i feel like im being irrational but i cant stop feeling like that, any tips on handling it?!!

PS sorry for the rant!!!

[Writingdragonfly]

Yeah that is hard! I feel a bit like that when his son is so miserable on outings when he isn't getting his own way that he ends up with all his dad's attention and ruining the day, I just feel like saying "ignore him he's just playing you like a violin" but I can't undermine Dad and wouldn't and it's not my place! It's the little things that wind you down too like that running, I'm prone to headaches and migraines and his sons just shout everything they're so damn loud! Happy loud but they just yell everything even normal conversation is yelled and I can't stand it, it just feels like my brain is vibrating! as the day goes on I can feel my mind rattling lol!

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Writing for you! I know the feeling. I found myself this weekend hiding in another room with my hands over my ears! They were just rough-housing together so I wasn't annoyed, but the noise and boisterousness gets to me sometimes and I have to just leave the area.

My son is a monkey, so is my daughter, but DSSs are more so, too far IMO.

DP does discipline them when needed, but sometimes our views on when needed don't match. There's a big grey area between 'bad' and 'OK' behaviour I think. That grey part is a bit personal in terms of what we are each able to tolerate.

Mine take food from the fridge without asking. DP hates that. We're finding middle ground on it for all kids.

His insist on running around the place whenever we walk from A to B. House to car. Car to restaurant. House to pub for meal out. Etc. I don't have a problem with running about and climbing trees in a park or on a dog walk. But I like (demand) decorum at most other times. DP has accepted this behaviour up to now, but can see from being with me that his DCs need to learn to rein it in sometimes. Again, finding common ground on it.

It's things like this that the kids pick up on from each other. Mine started running off etc and I had to put a stop to it.

It makes me the bad guy in DSSs eyes but so be it.

We had an incident at the weekend where DSSs were picking on and then outright bullying my DD DP is in the case with it, but obviously this is something I can't tolerate on any level, neither can he, but there is no magic wand here. This is where the DM also needs to be on the case and I've made it clear that drastic action is needed or we will have no future

[Writingdragonfly]

Onemoreintothebreach it's hard isn't it, I hate the gender stereotyping that boys should be allowed to be rough when it's naughty if it's a girl, feels like fighting a losing battle when they're not your kids to discipline. I don't blame their DM as in I think she's a bad mum just that I would and obviously do, parent quite differently. Does your DP discipline similarly to you?
Sometimes I feel like "yeah I can do this, I can take on an army of wild small children" and then some days I want to curl up in my duvet with my girls and hide from it. Hoping that's not just me being half a hermit! Lol

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

OP I have similar worries. I have DD 9 and DS 6, DP has two DS 9 and 10. Not living together, but sharing lives for almost 2 years.

DSS are like wild animals sometimes (including inappropriate times, not just acceptable childhood behaviour) and I've sadly now started seeing it in my own DS.

At first I put it down to his age/coming out of his shell etc, but recently went to one of his friends party and studied him and his class mates. Where previously they all behaved very similar, this time mine was clearly behaving differently, the wild one of the group. My heart sank as he has always been a playful but gentle soul and I realised he was picking up bad behaviour from DSSs.

My DP is largely supportive but does have a 'boys will be boys' attitude, as does his DM and the DSS's DM.

My attitude is bad behaviour is not acceptable from any gender at any age. So it's a bit of an ongoing struggle.

My hope is that my own standards will run off on them, but that will only work with DP full support. The DDSs resent me coming in with my rules and expectations, but I will maintain my standards regardless.

We are working on it all, but for now, I will not consider moving in or marriage for fear of my DCs being adversely affected.

[bitchingtwitching]

You also need to be aware your girls are very little, you have one child who is probably still barely more than a toddler to you, as they get older and spend more time at school you are likely to see their behaviour change...I appreciate his are the same age, but are obviously in a different environment. It does make me laugh when people talk about how good their 3 year old is for example - 3 year olds are so easy compared to a bolshy 10 year old, and I am sure parents of teenagers would roll their eyes at all of this!

[Cocoabutton]

It sounds a mess, to be honest, and you can't fix it. I feel sorry for the DS who is clearly struggling with the changes in his life - not just the big ones but the daily transitions of who he is with and how he gets to behave (at least three, maybe four, different sets of house rules plus school?). But also, this will effect your DDs, because they need to work out what is going on too.

I was in a blended family for six years; still see my DSD but now separated from her dad (DSs dad). So, no judging, just that for me, one of the hardest things was the see-sawing between me and my DC; me and xH; me and my DC and DSD; me and xH and all of the DC, across two houses. Add into that that older DC also had stepparents and half-siblings on each side, which is what DC had, and however hard you try, some-one somewhere will be struggling.

I mean this kindly, but I would step back in your position. You have two beautiful DDs, you have a calm home and a decent job - and so much of your life ahead of you. Before you know it, your DC will be branching out and leading their own lives. It is not the case that if your DSS's mum did x,y or z differently, it would all be fine. The same could apply to your DP.

[cannotlogin]

so...yet again it's his mum's fault? it couldn't possibly be anything to do with the fact both his mum and dad are in new relationship?

[Writingdragonfly]

He really is doing his best to help, from talking it out with his son to art therapy tactics, planning to get something in the way of child play therapist, mum thinks it's a phase but I personally think it's him not coping as has been said, it started when his mum got engaged fairly recently to new man.

[cannotlogin]

you hate me, i hate you, i hate mummy, noone loves me, i want you to kill me

sounds like a child not coping with his parent's divorce as well as the adults around him want to believe he is.

I would 'listen' to how your partner deals with this issue. That is a child screaming for reassurance, surely? Of course you want to protect your own children but what is your partner doing to protect his?

[Wdigin2this]

Writing I've only read your original post and some of the posts up thread, and I would agree that, if you find being with his DC difficult now, it will probably be a lot worse if you live together.....and, although I really do understand it, the jealousy thing has no place in a partnership!

To be honest, I'd wait a whole lot longer before moving in together....let alone getting married! You two may be made for each other, but there are another 4 people in this set up, and if you're not all totally used to being together and making compromises...then it can all go badly wrong!

I'd say, wait until the youngest two are in high school, a long time I know, but it'll fly by, and by then you'll know for sure if it's going to work!

[Writingdragonfly]

I think I can mostly cope with it because it's not all the time but it's whether I'm being selfish to think I can handle it, it's my girls I worry for most, but I don't live with them so I don't know how much worse it could be all the time? :/ the jealousy is a niggling thing, we have our set times to have the kids and we get every other Saturday together which I always totally look forward to, our alone time, and every school holiday we maybe get a couple of days together to go and do our thing, cultural stuff the kids are too young to enjoy but his ex just booked herself and her fiancé a holiday apparently accidentally without checking that DP could have them the whole holidays, she's taking her other 4 kids abroad but doesn't want the boys. I guess I'm peeved on their behalf because that's not fair on them, I'm annoyed that she's saying its "accidental" and didn't bother checking if DP hadn't made plans himself, and that she doesn't want to spend any school holidays with her sons, then that childish part of me thinks what about our time alone?

[swingofthings]

You've said it rightly, the dynamics of their resident home is very different to yours, so I can understand your worry about becoming part of a household where this is the norm. Personally, I would struggle to move in with very boisterous boys so I can understand.

Could you get used to it? It's difficult to tell. It might be that it goes the other way around and you actually provide a calmer environment to them and they respond well to it, whilst you also feel less anxious when they shout and fight each other.

At the same time, it could be that you become less and less patient with that behaviour and that your frustration turns into resentment, which then turns towards your OH.

What I don't understand is why you say you are jealous of them? Jealous of what? The attention they get from their dad?

[QuiteLikely5]

I think this is your instinct warning you. I personally would not ignore it unless you think you can start to relax more about the things you are uncomfortable with.

In your shoes I would try to delay moving in together as much as possible.

Boys are much more physical than girls and also bear in mind he may well not like some of your parenting habits but you just don't know it yet!

Like you he could be harbouring certain thoughts and just like your thoughts on his parenting and DC I've got no doubt if you stay together those thoughts you are both having about each other's DC and parenting will eventually come out of your mouth!!

So much for romance and perfection!!

[Writingdragonfly]

My DP and I are similar, both from teaching backgrounds so pretty much focused on a nice engaging environment, not anti tv at all just that me and my kids are busy a lot of the time so dont see the point paying for what we arent interested in, im open to change that if DP wants to should we ever live together. His sons see him every other weekend and every sunday and every thursday evening no midweek sleepovers, but in the holidays we have them all a lot. my girls go to their dad every other weekend and a tuesday night sleepover. Their dad also lives with his parents again waiting to move out but thats a nice solid farming family calm and nurturing so no issues there at all my girls are actually much more emotionally stable and happy now with divorced parents than they were together, me being screamed at constantly made them miserable too, their dad adores them though. DP's sons are at their mums where she is quite a tomboy type character and her older teens argue a lot by the sound of it, to be fair there are 8 kids there in total though some are over 18. So basically by boistrous i dont mean all the time not like just rowdy boys which i think i could handle from my teaching days. I mean things like 70% of the time theyre lovely, then especially the 6yo boy, he will suddenly turn. He is moody and grumpy and wants his own way or he will scream things at his dad like "you hate me, i hate you, i hate mummy, noone loves me, i want you to kill me" which concern me. I tend to just ignore it and let dad handle it, im not even step mum yet so its not my jurisdiction unless a mood swing kicks in when dad is in the loo or something when i behave as i would have in a classroom, cool as a cucumber asking him to please tell me why he feels angry without hitting out or yelling, if he doesnt calm down to talk to me i tend to distract the other 3 kids with something inane and wait for dad to step in. A couple of times he has just turned against the girls (my kids) as he usually turns on his dad or his brother, on one occasion my DD age 6 who he usually gets on well with, had a little box of her "treasures" like daisies and leaves she found outside and he wanted to see it, she said "no not yet ill show you later when im done making it, its a surprise" and he kicked her hard in the thigh and screamed at her, she is on the autistic spectrum and just lost it. she was sobbing for ages because all of her sensories were in overdrive and she didnt understand, when she loses it she withdraws and rocks and cries. This doesnt happen all the time but it is becoming more common. It's not that i cant cope with him myself its that i love my DP, I do love the boys, my girls love him and his boys but how protective should i be on this? Oh and we dont talk about marriage in front of them, its the kids who bring it up we just shrug it off and say "you dont have to marry someone just because you love them, its not disney" and make a joke. Its just their kid reaction "oh youre in love you must get married" lol
Ive tried to figure out if his older son is reacting to me and the girls specifically but it happens less with us than it does when at his parents house so i dont know. I know its not isolated and he is going through a lot with his parents having separated and both mum and dad blending into new partnerships though so its not like i think he is a monster, he isnt, hes a confused angry kid. shrugs

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I think that you are at least being honest before you make the big decision to move in. I don't think that I took enough consideration into how the mother was parenting before I moved in. DP and I don't have very different parenting, but their mother and me do, and even though we were main residence it was their mum who set the tone really.

So my advice would be, is your and your DPs Ex style of parenting very different? Because no matter how much your DP tries to reign it in, most Dads I found to be on the lax side out of indulgence and guilt.

[Cocoabutton]

Outsiders would say my DS is much more physical and LOUD than DD. My house would be a cleaner, tidier, calmer place with only DD and I, but I have learned not to stress about that. I also know DS is harder to parent, whereas DD is easy-going. But they are both my children and I love them enormously - that is the thing which makes it easier. Also, DS needs consistent and stable arrangements, what you describe he would find chaotic and it would make his behaviour worse. How much stability do the DSDs have actually?

You sound blessed with easy-going calm children. Your DSDs sound more physical; it also sounds like they are raised in an environment with their mum which accommodates that as part of family life and with their dad which sounds unsuitable. Am I reading right that your DP has shared care of his DC and this takes place at his parents? And he has not sorted this yet? And he knows the place is a tip? And what? You are his ticket out? I would stop all talk of marriage, especially in front of DC. It is castles in the air unless he can provide a roof for his own kids first. I don't think the situation reflects badly on the boys or their mum, to be honest.

[CalicoBlue]

Blending a family is hard, when you have very different views on things like TV, it does make it even harder.

When Dh and I first moved in together he used to give his DSS chocolate for breakfast, even his packed lunch would be all chocolate, choc yoghurt, choc spread sandwich, choc biscuit etc. I had to let it go, my kids soon learnt that DSS had or did stuff that they did not, and that they went by my rules. He did not have a bed time, they did etc.

I found the first year living together very hard and had lots of tears and regrets. I learnt to let go of the stuff I could not change, and would ask myself if it really mattered. Now 8 years on we are happy, though the only things DH and I argue about are the kids.

Boys are usually much more physical in their play than girls. One of the benefits my DD has had from growing up with DS and DSS is that she is not in the slightest interested in boys, she thinks they are idiots. I know this will change, but I feel it has given her the confidence to deal with boys, which I did not have as a teen growing up in an all female household.

Good luck.

[Writingdragonfly]

Thank you peppals :) good advice.

[PeppaIsMyHero]

My (very lovely) MIL was so helpful in explaining to my DSDs that different people have different house rules, and wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same. We have our own way of doing things and the important thing has been to stay consistent, so the girls always know what is expected when they are here with us. 8 years on it's worked pretty well. If you have different sets of kids, they have to be subject to the same rules in a house, otherwise it would be horribly unfair.

The only thing I think you might struggle with is that arrangements do have to change sometimes and you may find yourself without any time with just your girls/your DP for s stretch. We occasionally have DSDs for several weekends in a row - as I work FT it can feel like I never had a moment to myself or with DP and DS. I just remind myself that I signed up for this and try to suck it up. After a couple of years I also told DP that I sometimes find it difficult, and sometimes we work together so I can grab an hour to myself if the house is full. When we do have spare w/e we really make the most of it as a result!

You can make it work, but things will undoubtedly change. Remember that you'd DDs will change too as they get older so don't automatically blame his children's influence. Keep talking. Good luck - you have everything to play for, it'll just be hard work!

[AvaCrowder]

Jealousy is hard enough, but against children is awful. Think about who you are, could you tolerate s man being jealous of your dds?

[PrettyBrightFireflies]

I think your b/f has given you enough indications of his parenting style for you to make a judgement if you wanted to.

Why is he not protecting his DS from TV that he considers unsuitable? If he disagrees with what they are seeing at his parents house, he would intervene. You shouldn't have to ask him about it - he's a parent and is making his own decisions about his DCs.
I remember telling my exFIL that if he wanted to play with toddler DD in their living room, then please could he turn off the 15 movie that was playing on his TV. If not, I would remove her from the room. My child, my choice.

As for the rough housing and swearing - no matter what they are exposed to with their mum, if they do that in their dads company, it means he's not being assertive enough about preventing it. I bet the DCs don't swear or fight at school. They know the school rules - and they should know the boundaries with dad, as well. It obviously doesn't bother him enough to enforce boundaries that they understand.

He's showing you the type of parent he is. He may be willing to compromise if you blend your families, but with such contrasting values, I wouldn't be confident that it would be successful. And even if he does, what would his motive be for doing so? Because he believes it is the right think to do for his DSs, or to keep you happy?

[Writingdragonfly]

Lol yeah Lunar guess I should hope he is planning soon so I can nosey on his housekeeping! In an ideal world I would have married the "right" one first time, I was a step kid and whilst it wasn't all bad it wasn't plain sailing, gotta say I never thought I'd be in this boat but here I am, anyone else found the jealousy dies or does it get worse?

[AvaCrowder]

OK that all sounds understandable, but you have your doubts and jealousy now, is that something you want your girls to pick up on? How would it be going forward? Are you really sure about this? Would you prefer a man without children of his own?

[Lunar1]

When does he plan to buy his own house? It will be really good for you to see how he functions when it's just him and his children in a house.

You may be lucky and he might be really tidy and his parenting may actually be more like yours away from his parents.

At least then if he has hoarding tendencies you will be able to tell when he's been living alone for a year or so. And if a years worth of newspapers accumulate in the hall you can run for the hills!!

[Writingdragonfly]

his side of the story is that when he first moved back with parents a couple of years ago (saving for a deposit to buy for himself instead of being trapped in renting) he would tidy and clean but got fed up of being the only one doing it, he isnt there that often, he works long hours and comes here one night a week, he pretty much goes there to his own space within the house which is tidy and sleeps! lol he knows i wouldnt stand for laziness when he stays here he pitches in so that doesnt worry me! And the TV thing i dont know, i dont like to outright say "seriously, you're ok with your kids watching this?!" in front of his parents who clearly think its ok! When we do go there i tend to suggest we go outside and play if the weather is good, or get board games out if not. I know there are worse things that could be an issue than cartoons but have you seen some of the crap on tv these days?! (old fart alert!) lol

oh and from what i know the ex isnt a slob, just that their home is quite full on with her 6 and her new guy's older two visiting (the son visits rarely and with full supervision due to court order)