GFs difficult child, throw in the towel or persevere?

[Tankgirl78]

Hiya needing some advice from people who've lived through this experience!
I've been seeing my girlfriend now for seven months, she has a five year old girl and I have a two year old girl. The problem is I'm having real difficulties with her daughter. Now whilst I fully appreciate it is hard for her to adjust to having to share her mum with new people (she's been used to having her to herself for two years now) - her behaviour is becoming intolerable. I need to know a) if it will change b) if so how to change it and c) how much I can/should intervene or d) if I should walk away!
From what I can see my girlfriend has adopted very much a 'guilt' style approach to mothering as she works full time so she has very poor disciplinary techniques (if any), no boundaries, and is totally bossed about by her daughter. Consequently this girl is extremely spoilt, rude, bossy, mean, unkind and selfish. She is almost always horrible to my daughter and it is starting to have an effect on her. I've worked hard to teach my daughter manners, kindness and sharing and it seems to be being reversed now because of the five year olds influence.
It almost goes without saying that she's always rude and difficult towards me and it makes for a really uncomfortable time for all of us.
My girlfriend seems oblivious to the fact that her daughter is like this even though she has to spend a lot of time shouting at her and making ridiculous 'false threats' that she of course never carries out like 'if you don't do this you're not seeing grandpa tomorrow'. All meaningless and useless of course because she never follows through on any of it.
She tends to blame her behaviour almost entirely on this situation but I think a big proportion of it is her parenting. I've gathered that her behaviour was like this before I came along so I know it's not like she was an angel before and is now reacting to me. Do I address this with my GF? So tricky to tell someone their parenting needs improvement but if I don't say anything I can see it will be the death of us.
Please help with constructive comments if you've been though the same thing and something you did worked or didn't work!

Ps I have posted this before but on the wrong thread so got very few responses and none from anyone who had been in this situation.

[Sunnysideup5883]

I think you both need to read some parenting books. Can you buy some highly rated ones off amazon under the pretence it's for both of you.

But it does sound like this child is on the receiving end of far too much negativity. Have you both considered love bombing her to make her feel more secure and happy. Also discuss with mother the areas you feel need attention in a constructive way and work out as a team how you can put things right

[Caronaim]

I agree with flossymoo. She is just a young child, she can't be any of the things you say she is, she really can't be, she can only be badly behaved.

you come across as someone who takes a dislike to a tiny child because of her bad behaviour, that is no basis for family life.

You feel that you parent so much better than your girlfriend, again, that isn't constructive.

I would say end this now, not because the child is horrible and the GF cannot parent,

But because you have taken against the child so strongly, and feel contempt towards the parenting of the mother, and this is no basis what so ever for any sort of future together.

(She might feel the same about your parenting, and your child)

[pictish]

I can't stand the holier-than-thou schtick you get on here sometimes.

If I was to find myself in a new relationship with someone whose kid was badly behaved and made my own child suffer, owing to rubbish, ineffectual parenting on the adult's behalf, I would not see it as my duty as a good human being to stick around and sort them both out!

It is not my job to turn every lost soul I come across into a personal project. I do not have to be charmed by every child I meet. I do not have to compromise my own children to prioritise someone else's!

This guy's girlfriend isn't about to have an epiphany about her parenting. The most probable outcome for this scenario, will be discord, resentment from all sides and quite simply arguments.

He has his own daughter to invest in, and as a dad who isn't with his daughter full time, the time they do have together is precious. At this stage, seven months into this relationship, that's all the parenting he needs to be doing.


Priorities, common sense and dose of reality is the approach. I'd be sad to leave them to their fate, but leave them I would. And what's more, I'd get over it.

[pictish]

As an asides, the point of a relationship is not to triumph over all odds, to come out the other side ravaged but still together.
It's to spend your life with someone whose agenda runs harmoniously with yours.

As was once written by another poster on here...

"Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all."

You don't stay with someone because you feel duty bound to sort their mess out ffs.

[TheMumsRush]

I don't see why the OP is getting a hard time for pointing out guilt parenting and the consequences of it .

[lapetitesiren]

You could try a subtle approach. Tell gf that it's hard to see her fighting losing battles with her daughter and suggest some solutions ( like not making empty threats). You could suggest you both go to parenting classes so you can agree on a style so both children have consistency. if she doesn't want to consider positive changes your life will be miserable. But not everyone's an expert parent- most of us just muddle through until someone points out things we could change/improve. Depends how much she means to you if you decide to walk away.

[truthwithin]

OP Unless you have the 'chat', things will never change.

This may be ok if you have no children, but completely unfair on any child that is also present in the household.

[truthwithin]

OP. your own child will need a lot of attention. A 2 year old will demand more.

My advice would be to 'date' around the children as the ages are far too 'stressful ' even for bio parents.

Get to know each others values and hopes for the future. ( & for child rearing basics to see if you are compatible); The children are close in age so introduction should be relatively Ok.

[Tankgirl78]

Hello and thank you all for your posts which I read with great great interest. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
A very dividing issue clearly.
I really appreciate your constructive comments and support especially those who gave ideas about how to progress and give things a chance. Some really great advice that I hadn't thought of. I would really like to give things a chance and my girlfriend and I are nuts about each other and have loads of positives in our relationship.
In response to your posts:

• I can see how my question came across as harsh on this five year old. I was trying to be as to the point as possible without rambling on too much. I agree that in a perfect world, no one, least of all me, would want to berate a five year old. I was just putting it as clinically as possible to get to the bottom of it. Her behaviour IS selfish, it IS unkind etc and there is no getting away from that. I don't know if that's normal for a five year old but from what I can see it goes entirely unpunished and even slightly rewarded so I can see why she does it. I just needed to know if I have any control over it or just to walk away now.
  

As for my role in the household, some of you seem to think that I must have this terrible role of nasty step parent but in actual fact so far my attitude towards her has been just to be kind and patient and caring. Its actually starting to pay off as she comes to me for cuddles now. Just because I secretly think she's spoiled it doesn't mean I'm horrible to her. Quite the opposite. She doesn't receive negativity (from me) she just gives it out and because it goes unpunished it just continues.

• No we don't live together, just a few miles apart. That is the last thing on our minds.
  
• I'm going to look into love bombing.
  
• I'm glad some of you said it's a good idea to talk to my GF about her parenting. I get the feeling she's at a bit of a loss as to what to do anymore. This morning she threatened her daughter with 'not getting any Christmas presents'. It's February for Christs sake.
  
• I am not saying my parenting is anywhere close to perfect or that my child is either. I've posted threads on here separately about other issues I have. This is a section on step parenting and so I posted my issue on step parenting. I am a bit surprised and confused as to how annoyed people seem to be that I dared to voice my concerns on this topic in this thread.
  
• I actually don't dislike this five year old either, in many ways we are similar (we both love nature programmes, have similar sense of humour, like rough and tumble etc) and I feel quite sorry for her as she had a working mum who she doesn't see very much. But her behaviour isn't doing her any favours and I've now noticed she's hardly any friends as she drives other kids away with her attitude. Surely it's in her interests to get things sorted?
  

LOVING your posts Pictish, themumsrush, leapetisiren, truthwithin, theefficiencymovement, swingofthings, 42isnotheanser, and babyiwantabump. All very helpful and supportive.

• one more thing that I didn't put in the original post as it's irrelevant to this post and I didn't want it in any way to be thrown into the issue, we are both single mums with 100% custody over each of our children as they are sperm donor babies. I'm saying it now as I've realised it's caused a bit of confusion with the whole 'what's happening with their other parents' bit and someone thinking I was a dad!!
  

Thanks again for all of your comments xx

[pictish]

Hey - I assumed you were a guy. Sorry about that. It makes no odds though as you say...my thoughts still apply. When you're only seven months in, it is appropriate for you to prioritise your child, and her hers.
It's a bad strategy to jump in with both feet without a backwards glance. If your fundamental parenting styles differ wildly, a blended family is not going to work out well.

[TheEfficiencyMovement]

I'm glad you found some of the posts helpful. The step-parenting threads are known for being harsh
It definitely sounds like your girlfriend needs a bit of advice. The no xmas presents threat is as daft as it gets.
It's good you don't live together - that way you can really enjoy your time together but have your own space too. I'd carry on as you are but take things really really slowly. If you have any thoughts that you want to be with this women for the rest of your life living apart for a year or so won't do you any harm and will help build a lovely strong foundation and, then when you do move in together, it won't be a gamble.
Good luck.

[WineWineWine]

You mentioned a few times about her bad behaviour goes unpunished and you believe that is why she continues to behave badly. Punishment doesn't improve behaviour. Children do not start behaving better because they get punished.
To improve behaviour, she needs teaching, rewarding and encouraging. She needs clear boundaries that are fairly and consistently enforced. Her behaviour indicates that she is feeling insecure and unsure of herself.
Threatening the loss of Christmas presents at any time, is unhelpful and harsh (as well as ineffective) but to do it in February, indicates a desperate parent out of control. When parents behave like that, its hardly surprising that the child behaves the same way.

[Violetta007]

I don't think it makes any difference that you are both mums.

Look on Amazon for some parenting books for you both.

There will be a reason the girl behaves badly and it's very likely that she's unhappy or insecure for one reason or another.

[Violetta007]

There's a good chance she knows she's the bad sheep in every ones eyes.

Best to appreciate her good points and treasure her. Punishment won't make her feel more valued

[Violetta007]

Also all children are different and your discipline methods won't work with every child.