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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

I know I am being unreasonable. But how unreasonable?

62 replies

MarmiteMania · 03/05/2014 16:44

Dsd 15 lives quite a distance away but comes whenever she feels like it in holidays. Love having her, but visits always accompanied by a drama of some sorts. Last time (recently) she found some hidden vodka, downed a huge amount, vomited at 3am and woke my dd to clear it up which she spent most of the night doing as there was so much. Problem was dd was meant to be revising for Gcse's and wasn't able to the next day as she was exhausted from lack of sleep. To cap it all, dsd blamed my cooking (only later that we found out about alcohol).

She has now said she wants to come the days just before my dd's actual Gcse's. I KNOW this is her home and she's entitled to be here as much as my dd is. Despite the dramas I usually look forward to her visits. But it's just going to be such an incredibly stressful week (dd suffers severe exam nerves) that I don't want to be policing dsd or even worrying about dh watching her (useless anyway as tends to turn blind eye). Ok, I still know I'm being unreasonable but just wish she could wait till after exams. Rant over and ready to be flamed!

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Petal02 · 05/05/2014 08:58

Excellent post Thumbwitch.

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MarmiteMania · 05/05/2014 09:16

Would be sorely tempted Thumbwitch but unfortunately dd has tutors coming to the house that week. I have informed dh that any disruption that week from dsd and I will NOT be relying on him to deal with it, I will be dealing with it myself. He can deal with the fallout where dsd refuses to come again because horrid Marmite dared pull her up.

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matildasquared · 05/05/2014 12:59

That seems fair enough!

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Thumbwitch · 05/05/2014 13:02

I hope that he pulls his act together, Marmite, and deals with it himself, or in fact tells his DD that it would be better if she came a couple of weeks later.

Good luck to your DD in her revision and exams. :)

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slithytove · 05/05/2014 13:27

Do you have a spare room or dining room you can designate as study hall not to be disturbed? I had the dining room to myself 9-5 for my a levels, and also had tutors visiting. My siblings coped just fine.

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MarmiteMania · 05/05/2014 13:41

Thanks Thumb, and she has a big room so no excuse there! Wishing luck to all over exam season. Roll on the summer!

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croquet · 05/05/2014 15:53

Hiya - haven't read all the comments.

I think of course you should be able to stave off her visit til after GCSEs, but if you can't, on the basis that your DH argues it's her home too, then you have to take the line of then as it's her home (i.e. she's not a guest) you are free to discipline her in it. You need to discipline her as you would your own DD. Tell her off about vodka, grass her up to her mum (if that seems appropriate, or maybe just threaten to), and say all her privileges are removed for the time being as punishment. That means early nights etc. more chores.

OR

Ask the DSD yourself if she can postpone because you want your child to have a good shot at her GCSEs. She might agree.

Tsk, it does drive me mad. You'd never get this in a together family as if one kid was being a nuisance and naughty they would readily be removed for the other's exams or frightened into staying v quiet with grounding, disapproval etc.

At the end of the day it's your bloody home too, and you're the adult.

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NewNameForSpring · 05/05/2014 19:16

Still doesn't address the fact that your dd will have the worry of knowing that dsd is coming that week.

Also, taking her somewhere else would surely impact on her revision. Revising in a different environment is unsettling.

Your dh sounds horrible. Sorry.

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MarmiteMania · 05/05/2014 20:10

NewName, he genuinely thinks she will behave, be it with a little 'encouragement'. Weak with his children yes, but horrible? As I was typing this he has just come in to tell me he has sorted kid's dinner, run me a bath and wants me to chose somewhere in Europe for a long weekend just the 2 of us. Horrible is really the last word I would use to describe him.

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MarmiteMania · 05/05/2014 20:19

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MarmiteMania · 05/05/2014 20:20

Sorry posted twice don't know what happened!

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alita7 · 05/05/2014 20:41

I don't think he's horrible, he wants to see his dd and he can't see her faults as she's his little princess. Unfortunately, his dsd, who he can see and give time and effort to whenever he wants, will never be his dd and he will never truly prioritise her over his dd. It's a normal reaction BUT it is unfair to prevent you from prioritising your dd and to not let you discipline dsd in your own home.