hand me downs from a partners ex?

[winterst4r]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I have been reading for ages but joined specifically because I wanted to ask for some help with something... My partner and I are in the process of moving in together. My daughter is one year younger than his, who lives with his ex. His ex and I have never ever gotten along and his daughter is not a part of our lives yet. She sees her dad but not me and my daughter. Ok so here's where it gets weird... Last week the ex gave us a bag of beautiful clothes that his daughter outgrew claiming it was the "right thing to do" I was skeptical but my partner seemed to think it was an honest gesture so we kept them and for a couple of days my daughter wore some things. I felt weird, he admitted it felt odd but said it was silly not to keep them and that he would get over it. I packed them up anyway so they can be put away. I'm worried its making him miss his daughter even more and implies somehow that he's "replaced" her. Also, I worry about what happens when the girls are reintroduced... Will they feel upset about sharing clothes and not having stuff unique to them? Can anyone with step children weigh in? Is this weird or am I overreacting? Thanks

[cappy123]

Seems like your DP and his ex need to sort things out. I'd be inclined to keep the clothes, but tell your partner that your daughter can choose to wear them after she meets her step sister. If they get on, can't they decide between them whether or not they want to share clothes?

My DSD (13) lives with us but sees her mum daily - it's generally amicable although we adults could work a bit harder to make sure we don't take things for granted. You want funny? I found my DH wearing his ex's t-shirt the other day (he thought it was mine). Her leggings / knickers end up in my drawer. His clothes end up at ex's house. My DSD ends up wearing my tops. And it's not unusual to find DSD, DH and I on a chilly day all at home wearing his jumpers!

[Lozcat86]

Thanks winters but it still feels too weird for me I gave them to charity. She's also got soooo many clothes already lol

[Ghirly]

I hope things work out for you winters xx

[winterst4r]

Ghirly I wanted to thank you your post yesterday was a real inspiration.

[winterst4r]

Oh and congrats! You must be really excited and ready to meet that baby already!

[winterst4r]

I understand how you feel Lozcat86 it can feel really awkward... If you want to get rid of the smell try putting a cup of white vinegar in the wash and then use a non bio baby friendly fabric softener. Then at least if you decide you really don't need them you can pass them on and they won't be smelly (ick)

[Lozcat86]

Should add this baby will be my first and is due in 3 weeks...

[Lozcat86]

My DH EW recently gave me a bag of baby clothes tha her now 3 yo DD had grown out of. This is her Dd with her new partner and not my DH child. It felt weird to me but we politely accepted them. However EW smokes and the clothes although washed absolutely stink, so we will.not be using them. I don't think I would tbh even without the smell issue. Just feels wrong to me.

[winterst4r]

Thanks purpleroses. I think you may be right about it being a kind gesture

[purpleroses]

I think that the mother may well have meant it as an olive branch - I can't think of any other explanation. Maybe even to compensate for the opposition she's put up to you meeting her DD. It may be unreasonable but is probably being done in what she perceives as her DD's best interests.

But it's possible the DD sees them as "her" clothes, so you DP needs to make sure she's OK about it. If she is, then it's a lovely gesture of friendship towards the stepsister she hasn't even met yet. If not, then it might be better not to give them to your DD and have her meet DSD for the first time wearing her old clothes.

[Mojavewonderer]

If you don't feel comfortable accepting the clothes or your child wearing them then either give them back or give them to charity.

[winterst4r]

TBH I came from a blended family and have many memories of feeling resentful because "nobody asked" if I wanted a new dad or a new brother or to share my stuff/space/mums attention... I want to be sensitive to my daughter and my partners daughter.

[stella69x]

I give and take hand me downs from half siblings, it's what you do when siblings live together so why would it be any different when they don't live together?

My dd has come home with her stepmums hand me downs (dd is 11 and in adult sizes as tall) and that doesn't bother me either.

Clothes for dc's are routinely handed down in this order, family, friends, friends of friends, charity shop. Or they are on the social groups I'm in, in RL.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Fair enough. But something is seriously wrong here - a bag of clothes isn't really the issue is it? But if you don't want to talk about it, I'll just wish you good luck and hope it all works out for you all.

[winterst4r]

Whoa ChippingIn you're reading a whole lot into what I've said here... The only reason I mentioned the arrangements with the children is to give context to my original question. I'm concerned about being a good mum and stepmum and helping he children adjust by creating healthy boundaries. Speaking of healthy boundarues: Knowing my partner before we got together does NOT mean I had an affair and EVEN if I did it is certainly not something I would discuss here.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Things are not going to be amicable if she feels their DD isn't even ready to meet you (how long is it now?) and yet you are preparing to move in with him. You say she has always hated you - did you know her before you got together with him? Please tell me you weren't having an affair with him :(

[winterst4r]

Crossing fingers that it was an olive branch after all!

[winterst4r]

I understand that but we all want things to be amicable. Hoping they can sort through things without going to court and enforcement of PR.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

If they adopted her, he will have PR.

This is not 'between them' it involves you and more importantly his DD & your DD.

[Ghirly]

Once things are sorted out and you have contact with dsd then I don't think the clothes are a huge issue.

My exes daughter is 9 months older than mine but very tall for her age whereas my daughter is small for her age and I regularly get hand me downs. I really appreciate them as a lot of them are beautiful.

I hope you get the contact thing sorted. Why does the bm feel dsd "isn't ready" to meet you? What age is she?

My DS was 3 when his dad introduced him to his now step mum, he took it in his stride as he was young enough for him not to worry about the 'politics' of it all.
Now he is 8 and keeps saying he would love a step dad!!!!

Me and step mum keep things very amicable and friendly and I am genuinely grateful to her for welcoming my son into her family so I think if the adults all behave like adults then it makes the transition for the child easier.

Good luck

[winterst4r]

Purpleroses, thank you thats what I've been thinking

[purpleroses]

I would be cautious about your DD wearing your DSD's clothes when they're first introduced. Or at least make sure your DP has told her about your DD having her old clothes and made sure she's ok about it.

[lunar1]

I would try and take them as an olive branch unless proved otherwise.

Is your partner planning to sort contact out before you now in? If not how is it going to work for both girls?

[winterst4r]

Staying away from what happens between them. Hencemy discomfort with the hand me downs...