So tired of being messed about..

[DizzySometimes]

Hi there. I know I post sporadically, and I’m sorry about that – do try and catch up here and should do it more.

I guess I just need a place to vent really, as I feel like I’m reaching the end of my tether. I am so tired of my life being so affected by someone who should play no part in it. And I realise that some exes are totally reasonable, and, at times, my DH’s ex can be, but I’m sick of having our weekend plans altered the day or two before we’re due to have my husband’s son by his ex. This has happened the last two times and, the last time my husband dropped his son off, his ex kept DH at her place for an hour ranting about school stuff (not specifically to do with his son, so you know) meaning our plans for the evening went out the window. Now, I know my husband should have interceded and said he’d talk to her again soon (as he was seeing her at an event at school the next day), and I did tackle him about this when he came home, but still I guess I just feel it shows she has no acceptance of the fact he has other commitments, and he’s lax in giving her that message too.

When we have to change weekend arrangements, we give her as much notice as possible, and I wish we’d get the same back. The latest change involves something that happens every year at this time, so it's not like we couldn't have known about this before. As it is, I feel that she treats my husband with such disrespect and he allows her to do it! I actually had some firm words with him today about setting boundaries and stuff, as I feel that her attitude is starting to rub off on his son as well. Of course, this would mean consequences etc, but I think that’s necessary otherwise where will it all end?

There’s a family event coming up in the next few weeks, and we’re still not sure when we can pick up DH’s son because the ex has to make arrangements with school (she is the only one who can request an absence, and school are okay with her doing this, as we’re not in the UK) but hasn’t done it yet, despite being given plenty of notice etc.; other family members need to know when to expect us as well for sleeping arrangements and stuff too, and they would like to know beforehand. Anyway, these arrangements specifically affect me (as I'm going to be driving a few hours to get my DH's son to where he needs to be, depending on what is agreed). I think I’m as important as anyone else in the family, and that we should be firm about knowing soon, or having to make other arrangements. The response I got back was: I’m not going to make changes that would affect my son in any way that might upset him. Now, I understand that, as a parent, you want your kids to have the best, but surely sometimes being firm is also required? As it is, I feel like I can be inconvenienced as much as necessary as long as it means no one else is, and I’m afraid that got me down a bit.

Any words of how to see the bright side here? I’m trying to detach as much as possible, and I think I will have to start just not engaging when he complains about his ex, as he continues to do the same thing over and over, but I also don’t want to appear heartless. I guess, in the end, that’s how I’m going to appear anyway, but any wise words would be lovely of how to handle this continuing issue of plans altering last minute and boundaries.

Thanks if you got this far!

[purpleroses]

Yes, I think your DP could just stay in the car and leave his DS to get out and into his mum's car alone. Maybe leave the engine on.

He does need to leave the door open to her to talk about DSS - but by avoiding getting accosted for conversations on the drop off he should be able to get those conversations to take place at a time that suits him better.

[Petal02]

China, whilst I agree with your comments that Dizzy’s DSS should be able to demonstrate a little independence at age 16, but I know from my own experience that some non-resident fathers are so over-protective that independent behaviour doesn’t develop. We had exactly the same thing with DSS – right up until March this year (when he was age 18), when he passed his driving test, all drops offs and pick-ups had to be literally door to door, or collecting DSS from (or taking him directly to) the bus stop. It didn’t matter that he was a 6ft young man, he was treated like a primary school child in this respect. I still can’t decide whether DSS or DH perpetuated this (probably a bit of both) but Dizzy’s post struck a chord with me.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Obviously, DH wouldn't want to just leave him there, not knowing if he's been picked up or not

This is starting to sound rather unhealthy! Does your DSS not make his way to and from school? Go out independent to clubs/shopping/friends?
How does he problem solve when things don't go according to plan - if a bus is late, a friend stands him up, an event is cancelled?

At 16 years old, family court considers a DC of maintaining an independent relationship with their parents. It doesn't sound like your DSS parents have taught him the skills to be able to do that.

[DizzySometimes]

Thanks purple, china and petal - absolutely agree that his actions have to back up what he's telling me right now, and that he has allowed this to continue happening, whilst telling me he'd rather not be hanging around. I wonder, sometimes, whether it's fear of annoying his ex, and this impacting on his relationship with his son. However, given his son's age, this fear does not hold water; his son will have opinions of him reliant on their relationship (I would hope!) and would be able to make arrangements to see DH independent of his mum, if need be.

DSS is 16 and is currently learning to drive, so hopefully he will be able to travel around a bit more independently fairly soon. We have a combination of doorstep dropoffs and drop offs in car parks. Agree about the doorstep and will suggest that, but don't know what to do about the car park situation. Obviously, DH wouldn't want to just leave him there, not knowing if he's been picked up or not. I wonder, though, if DH could perhaps stay in the car whilst DSS gets his stuff out the boot and puts it in his mum's car. I don't know, though, if that would work.

Thanks again for the ideas and words of wisdom!

[Petal02]

Very good point China, actions speak louder than words. He only gets tangled up with the ex because he allows/wants it to happen.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

The other way to avoid doorstep chats of course is to not give them the opportunity to occur - if your DSS is nearly uni age, couldn't he make his own way between houses? Or drop him at the end of the road and head straight off

Well, quite.

DP started doing this with DSS when he was 7 years old, watched him to the door from a distance - to avoid giving his ex the opportunity to scream and yell at him in front of DSS.
One time they did have a civil conversation in front of the DCs, DSS asked afterwards if they loved each other again and were getting back together.

although your DP says that he knows he needs to disengage from his ex, there has been no good reasons for him to be escorting his DS to the door for some years, have there? I think he needs to start backing up his words with actions.

[purpleroses]

The other way to avoid doorstep chats of course is to not give them the opportunity to occur - if your DSS is nearly uni age, couldn't he make his own way between houses? Or drop him at the end of the road and head straight off? Then maybe follow up with an email or phone call to his ex about anything that actually needs to be communicated regarding DSS.

It may just be a familiar habit of his ex's to unload onto your DP about stuff that's nothing to do with DSS - quite understandable if they were together for a long while, but hopefully something she can learn to look to others for if he gently wriggles out of the role or makes himself unavailable for it.

[DizzySometimes]

Rooners - you're always welcome here, particularly if you're wanting another perspective. Thanks for taking the time to post and I'm sorry your situation is causing you stress.

purple - thanks. I think that the ex is still fairly reliant on DH and it puts him in a tricky position. She was actually talking to him about work-related stuff rather than anything to do with DSS (she works in a school) but, regardless, I think she does want him to help her out more than he really needs or wants to; I know there are instances where it can be DSS-related, but this isn't always the case, like you say. He doesn't like being kept hanging around either, but sometimes doesn't seem to know how to extricate himself, but it's something he needs to work on, and he knows this. I agree about talking about stuff ahead of time; I've encouraged him to arrange meet ups if they're required, particularly given DSS is going to start uni soon, as those doorstep chats aren't always the best, so we are trying to work around it as much as we can. As for the event - yep, will continue to work on that too as I know it's a fair question to ask and continue to ask about when we need a prompt answer. Thanks so much for your input.

[purpleroses]

My DP gets caught up on the doorstep for ages sometimes when dropping his DCs off. It's usually because his ex is stressed about something and dedcides it must be all DP's job to sort it all out. Usually child-related (though not always). It does annoy me too as the Sunday evening when he gets back is a really nice little bit of time to relax together, talk about the weekend, plans for the week, etc.

The best way I've found to reduce the chances of this happening is to encourage DP to contact his ex at other times - by email or phone - so that they can sort out whatever issues there are at times that suit them both, rather than on the doorstep. The even better way to do things in my experience is to actually schedule some time to meet up to discuss the kids, schooling, etc. I do this with my own ex once every couple of months and it's really nice to do. But I've not yet managed to pursuade my DP to try to set up something similar with his ex.

And you're completely reasonable to expect your DP to put pressure on his ex to get an answer from the school if that's what she's agreed to do. Schools are getting very strict on term time absence though so you might find they say no. If his ex is refusing to ask the school (because she doesn't want her DS to have time off), then she should at least tell that clearly to your DP so that you can make your plans around it. I don't see why it would upset his DS for his dad to ask his mum a question

[Rooners]

Thanks Dizzy. Yes of course there are good and bad, as China says.

I wish I could trust him to do the right thing but sadly, it's unlikely.

anyway I'll get off the thread now as I'm not helping anyone.

Thanks again.

[DizzySometimes]

Rooners - I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. china is spot on (and I've not read your threads, so forgive me if this is not relevant to you) about trusting your ex to do what is best for your children, and about there being good and bad SMs as well as mums.

[Rooners]

Allnew, it's clear you haven't seen my other threads about the situation and the way she has behaved towards ds, so perhaps it would be better if you just take me at my word and we don't continue to hijack this thread with an argument.

I only posted briefly this morning in a 'thinking aloud' manner and didn't intend to offend anyone who isn't involved in my personal situation.

Perhaps that was unwise in the current climate.

[allnewtaketwo]

But if your child has hardly even ever been in his fathers home a few times, what on earth would you be expecting the SM to do for him

[Rooners]

fwiw I wasn't bashing step mums. I was sighing about ours.

I thought I had made it plain that I didn't think all step mothers are rubbish.

[Rooners]

I wouldn't say it if I didn't know it was (approximately) true...that would be pointless.

He's only been there a few times and has never stayed the night, or spent much time in the house. Normally they seem to have lunch, and he goes out for a walk with his dad and that is about it.

I'm not sure what else she would have needed to do in preparation for this.

[allnewtaketwo]

"This has made me think...the only thing ds's stepmother has ever done for him is make him lunch about 3 times"

How would you even know that? How do you know who shops for the food, keeps the house clean, bought/cleans the bed linen they sleep on etc etc etc etc

[Petal02]

I hadn't realised that this was National Step Mum Bashing Week. But clearly it is.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

rooners there are good and bad Stepmums - and mums, too

I've been abused and screamed at for daring to even consider meeting my DSC basic needs - in my DSC mums opinion, I shouldn't even be in the house when they spend time with their Dad - but she doesn't really want them to do that, either.

If you trust your DCs dad, then I'm sure he'll ensure the DCs needs are met, even if their relationship with their DSM isn't what you'd hope it to be.

[Rooners]

'There was me thinking I am someone who cooks for them, washes and irons their clothes, helps them with their homework, drives them about, supports them, does everything their mum does for them in fact!'

This has made me think...the only thing ds's stepmother has ever done for him is make him lunch about 3 times.

And then complain that he ate too much. We're not onto a winner here are we.

sigh

some of you sound great.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

I understand being a SM is a tough job but so is being a parent full stop

Only someone who has never been a stepmother could possibly compare the two in the same sentence.
I hope your DCs future stepmum has somewhere like MN to vent about your unrealistic expectations You want her to fit in with your existing family and love your DCs as she would her own DCs? Good luck with that!

[Sparklysilversequins]

I've had a step mum, she was ok, distant but that was fine by me.
My dc are about to have a step mum (who seems alright btw)
My ex SIL is a very gracious step mum who has been up against up an awful lot more than I have read on this thread but remains gracious but that's her story to tell not mine.

I stand by what I say. I understand being a SM is a tough job but so is being a parent full stop, I don't think you deserve special treatment or everything your own way and that is the overwhelming impression I get from the majority of the whiny threads I read on this board. Oh and for the record I don't frequent the Step Parenting board to give you all a hard time but often threads appear in active.

To go back to fundamentals I don't think the OP has got it tough and I think she's bitching unnecessarily and the discussion has continued from me saying that.

But I will leave you to froth about in Step Parenting perpetuating your Being A Step Parent Is The Hardest Job In The World myth. All parenting is hard and if I see threads with some random woman slagging women like me and children like mine off because we had a bit of a chinwag with our exes about our kids school or because I didn't sort out timings for a trip in two weeks time to suit "Princesses" diary requirements then I reserve the right to say what I think, just as you all do about us.

Now I am leaving this thread because apart from one or two sensible voices on here the whining and undercurrent of bitterness towards CHILDREN and their mothers is upsetting to me and I have enough on my plate in RL without adding to my rising BP thanks very much.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Why do people coming into families try to force it?

Stepmums don't join anyone's family, sparkly - They create a new one. There is no single family unit to come into. The DCs single, traditional family unit broke down when the DCs parents marriage ended and two new families were formed. The arrival of a stepparent signifies a change, a new beginning, for one of those two families.

Perhaps if more mothers were prepared to accept that their DCs have enough love to give both the families in their lives, rather than underestimate their DCs and behave as if sharing their lives with another family in some way dilutes the love the DC has for their own mother then being a stepmum would be a lot easier.
But then you wouldn't know, would you? Not being a SM yourself? How exactly does your experience help the OP deal with the problems she is facing? Have you been a stepchild? Do your DCs have a stepmum? Or are you here just to criticise?

[DizzySometimes]

kaluki, petal, and china - thanks. I agree with all that you post and, as usual, you talk a lot of sense.

Petal - you're correct. Things have occurred for quite a while that DH is not happy with (so not functioning for him, but he didn't know what else to do) but, because he was on his own and didn't have constant support, he would put up with all kind of nonsense. A lot of my frustration comes from the fact that HE is messed about and, yes, to a certain degree allows it to happen as he doesn't want to upset the ex. Of course, I sometimes bear the fallout to that too, and I won't accept that. I find it amusing that a stranger on the internet, with limited information about my situation, would be able to answer YOU about my situation. Hilarious.

Thanks all for your constructive words. As mentioned above, DH, DSS and I have spoken about this, and agreed on how to manage this going forward. Obviously, time will tell as to whether this works out or not.

[Sparklysilversequins]

Kaluki I read that thread too. I think mrsDV posted what you've said in your last post didn't she? You really should reference her .

[Sparklysilversequins]

I haven't step children of my own but I was with someone for quite a while who had a child. He seemed to like me, but then I never made big, fat fusses over silly details.

I also have two dc of my own so have full awareness of how much flexibility is required where dc are concerned.

I don't actually care if any of you fully grown women are offended my posts. I am not sure that I should HAVE to point out that other people don't care about your relationships as much as you do, it is a fact. Take offence if you like but to be honest you sound like that whiny, looking for reasons to be offended types anyway. Maybe that's why you have some many issues with your step families?

Why do people coming into families try to force it? you've got your own families and friends who love you and think you're important, not everyone else has to, they really, really don't.

Petal your post makes a lot of sense and you're quite right but I just don't think the scenario you describe is happening here.