Expectations of step parent -what's realistic? Am I expecting too much?

[StoneBear]

Hi

I have 3dcs (aged 3,5,7) from prev relationship, and now live with DP, who has 2 DCs (aged10,13). He came to live with us in our small 4 bed house. We have fallen out because he says I over indulge, and baby my dcs. He complains they are spoilt brats. After some reflection, I accept he is right, in a way. So I'm in the process of setting up better boundaries, and trying to get my DCs to be more independent. I am trying hard.

I think I parent this way partly due to guilt of leaving my ex abusive husband, having not had a supportive partner from when ds1 arrived, and trying to make up for a difficult home environment. I left and set up a great family home, have a well paid job, work long hours, and have indulged the kids. Initially they used to all creep through and sleep with me, and not fall asleep unless I was with them at bedtime, so after a hard slog, we now have a good bedtime regime, and no night time bed hopping. This has been a massive improvement.

My exH is a bit of a Disney dad now, made worse by he fact his parents and him all stay together whilst the DCs re there, so they are very indulged. The DCs are away every second weekend and half school hols. When they come back there is usually a settling in period, when they are weepy or sullen, which I feel awful about. However, it is getting better.

Anyway, my new partner moved in 7 months ago, and I'm confused about what his role should be. After reading heaps of threads I feel I have had unrealistic expectations, and I see that I have been too soft with kids.

I get up with them every morning for breakfast, which can be early, whilst DP stays in bed, having set an alarm for nearer 8 on a weekday, always lies in at the weekend. I feel resentful of this. I do all the getting up to see to the kids at night, but they're little and understandably want their mum. He doesn't tolerate toys in the living room, as the kids have their own rooms and a playroom. If he's at home he watches his choice of TV programmes, whilst I usually put on a kids channel, if the tv is on at all.

I feel that the DCs initially resented his presence at home, but now accept it, and are affectionate towards him now, as he is with them.

He has no fixed contact arrangements, with his own DCs, we have been away on hols together, arranged and paid by me, and they have stayed when my dcs are at their dads.

I feel we need to bond more as a family, and have suggested a get together every second weekend. We went on holiday altogether in the Summer, and they seemed to enjoy each others company. Due to space it's difficult to have them all stay over at one time.

My DP and I get on fabulously when the DCs aren't around, tensions build when they are.

So my questions are, what role should my DP take with my DCs? Our relationship is on shaky ground, because of the way I am with the DCs, however I feel he is overly strict at times. What's the best way to try to resolve this? Should I be expecting him to be more of a dad? He's happy to discipline,but there's no other parenting going on, which I find difficult. He says he will try to be less strict, and interact better with the DCs, but its such hard work. I'm piggy in the middle, can you have it all?


Thanks for reading my rant!

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

LOL! How funny!

Wicked stepdad bans toys from the house!

Where, exactly, does the OP say that?

[newlifeforme]

Op, I do think this relationship has moved very fast.2 years is no time at all, why are you rushing to make such a commitment such as building a house together?

I think there are red flags here, maybe they can be resolved but it would be better to do this whilst you are in your own house.Moving you & your children to a new house puts you in a more vulnerable position.It may feel appealing to have a new larger house but the risks potentially outweigh the benefits.What if his behaviour escalated when you had moved to the new house? Would you have a viable exit plan? I'm sorry that I sound negative but I've seen similar behaviour before and 4 years in, the relationship unravels.

I agree with others, your partner should not be attempting to discipline the children if he does not have a good relationship with them.He doesn't appear willing to invest his time.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Sorry mis put, not allowed toys in the lounge

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

pumpkin doesn't sound quite so controlling put like that, does it?

There are at least 10 live threads on MN at the moment about the same issue, many of which are parents restricting their DCs toys to a playroom. How unreasonable!

[pumpkinsweetie]

But he hasn't long moved in, it wasn't his house to start with.
With kids as young as that they need toys to keep them stimulated & if the dc are always in their playroom they won't see much of their mother or stepfather who obviously wants them out of the way like his own children of whom he doesn't hardly see.

[AmberLeaf]

I'm obviously reading a different thread!

Must be.

[Sparklysilversequins]

"Pumpkin doesn't sound quite so controlling put like that does it?"

Yes it does actually with you being pretty much the only person this thread who doesn't think so?

[OptimisticPessimist]

The issue isn't whether a "no toys in the living room" rule is reasonable though, it's whether the OP's DP is UR for unilaterally deciding that such a rule should be in place, going entirely against what the OP previously had in place for her children. She doesn't say that when he moved in the agreed on a change, she says he "doesn't tolerate toys in the living room" which is entirely different. With such young children, unless the parent sits in the playroom with the children, toys in communal areas are kind of to be expected and to expect them to play independently all the time is unrealistic. Tbh, I've had a playroom before, which was downstairs and next to the living room so not far away from where I was but the children still preferred to play in the living room and get input from me. It's their home as much as it is the OP's or the DP's.

[Bonsoir]

I think he is taking you for a ride, OP! No toys in the sitting room? Switching channels on the TV? Not very nice, is he?

[ExcuseTypos]

Agree Optimistic. It's quite a Victorian attitude to have the dc only playing with their toys in the playroom. And the OP has a 3 year old, I wouldn't be happy for them to be playing unsupervised for long stretches upstairs whilst the adults are downstairs.

OP you said you're planning on building a house with this man. I would seriously put that on hold until these issues have been ironed out. And by that I don't mean you giving in to his wishes.

[Sparklysilversequins]

My dd is 6 and has her own room stuffed with toys. However 90% of the time she's in the living room or kitchen with me making a mess either talking to me or just being companionably quiet. I wouldn't have it any other way because I reckon in about 6 years time she will be keeping herself shut up in her room the way her older brother does.

I simply would not tolerate someone moving into our home and trying to change that whilst at the time referring to her as a spoilt brat. It's her home too! Why should harmless, normal, bond building practices be changed or disbanded because a grown man doesn't like it? I imagine you'll say it's his home too now china. Well if he sees the children already in situ in the home and functioning well as a problem and a nuisance that need to be moved into their rooms and out of his way then he should not be moving in there.

[ivykaty44]

He had a choice to move in and the children don't have a choice to move out

[Alwayscheerful]

I am in the no toys in the sitting room camp for older children and I would expect younger childrens toys to be tidied away before dinner. This applies to my children and step children. I would expect a toy free sitting room most of the time after the age 10 and all the time in the evenings.

[ExcuseTypos]

I also wonder what he'll be demanding in a couple of years, if he feels he can lay the law down as soon as he's moved in.

[OptimisticPessimist]

That sounds fairly reasonable Always, although all of the OP's children are well under 10. The children being asked to tidy their toys away before dinner would be a perfectly reasonable compromise in the OP's situation, the DP imposing his expectations on the rest of the family is not.

[OptimisticPessimist]

Yes I agree Excuse. I'd be running like the wind tbh. Kids get one childhood and there's no way I'd be gambling theirs on a waster like this.

[elliebellys]

Op,how did your big chat go?.have you managed to get any kind of solution at all..

[balia]

I'm a step-parent, and my DH is, too. His situation was similar to your DP's, in that he moved into my home and had to create a relationship with DD who was then 8. I realise this is a very hard thing to do, we certainly had our ups and downs and share of rows. But what strikes me about your DP, in contrast to DH, is the complete lack of respect he seems to have for you. He's living off you. He uses you to look after his kids (as well as just leaving you to look after the DC's he should be trying to create a relationship with) despite the fact that he criticises your parenting.

It doesn't sound like he is confused about his role at all - he gets to boss everyone around and live rent free.

[StoneBear]

Thanks for all your comments, I have been/am at work so havent had a chance to respond.

Backstory, met DP online, he persued me, he was my first relationship after leaving my ex. He presented himself as very kind, and was good with the DCs. He moved in when he lost his home as it was tied to a job he'd been made redundant from, and had debts, which have since been paid off with his redundancy. That was 9 months ago now, and at the time, I felt perhaps it was too quick to make the step, I did have doubts and concerns. He got a job quickly, but we have never officially sorted out the financial arrangements. I have told him I need it sorted out, and he's always said, "we'll talk about it later". It has occured to me there is a financial gain to him staying with me. Certainly my family seem to think so, but they are civilised to him. He has complained he feels like an outsider. The house wont be a joint venture, I'm funding it, and plan to get a solicitor to draw up a cohabitation agreement etc, which he agreed with.

I have poured over posts here, and in relationships, as I do recognise the issues. I feel ashamed to have set up home with a man so unaccepting of my DCs, I feel I have badly misjudged things, and perhaps to the detriment of my DCs. The thing is, he was initially accepting, but things changed once he's moved in.

I agree I am soft, my mum also has taken me to task on this, and I am really working on being a better parent. I dont mind so much the toy thing, as we do have limited communal living space, but when DP initially brought it up, I felt he was being unreasonable, and I recall arguing that it was mine and my DCs house first. But I have tried to compromise. TV, well I think the kids are resentful, but its not a bad thing for their TV time to be structured. Last night, I suggested to DP that they could have a half hour whilst they had a bedtime snack and everyone seemed to think that was ok.

I mentioned the morning thing, I think not because I specifically expect him to get up instead of me, as I have to get up early anyway, but as a support to me. He sets his alarm for once we're out of the house. My ex used to be lazy in the mornings, so maybe this is why it upsets me. I can see its not reasonable to expect him to get up, but would love a cup of tea made for me whilst I'm rushing about getting everyone, including myself ready, who wouldn't?

I feel ashamed as in RL I am a successful professional person, I have moved to my home town, and haven't really any local friends, or social life. For me, this needs to change. My job is to offer advice to others, and I'm not bad at it. I think there are red flags, and I guess I wondered if I was being over analytical.

I really do appreciate all your advice. I turned to mumsnet years ago when I left my ex. It empowered me to leave, and thats why I returned, I guess.

Not sure my relationship is the one, I just wondered what others thought. And my biggest concern is my DCs, they have been through so much, they deserve the best, not a distracted mum, who's being pulled in all directions.

Thank you all.

[ivykaty44]

If your relationship is not the one - then why are you with him?

Are you afraid of being on your own long term?
What good is it doing you being with this man? What do you get from this relationship?
Do you really love him and trust him?

[Sparklysilversequins]

He sets his alarm for when you're out of the house, he doesn't like toys to be seen, he sends your children to their rooms, he is sullen and sulky and it's all happy when they're not there.

He does not like your children . He pretended long enough to get though the door and now he's in he's showing his true colours. This thread is making me horribly sad. Your Mum says you're soft? Well LOTS of Mums say that because they're of a generation that brought children up far differently.

I hope you can find a way to sort this out because it is only going to get worse and your dc will end up with an unhappy childhood because of your choice of man.

[eslteacher]

I'm sorry to read that OP. For me the financial issues and his refusal to discuss them are the most concerning thing. No shame in being unemployed for a spell if its unavoidable, but his attitude towards the financial support you are giving him seems all wrong. That rings more alarm bells than the channel changing and toy refusal...

[eslteacher]

So wait, apart from sometimes paying for the food shopping, does he pay literally nothing else in terms of bills or living expenses? Even though he has a job?

Does he contribute to the household in other ways eg doing the lions share of cooking/cleaning?

[brdgrl]

Can you imagine what would happen if you dc came into the living room and changed the channel and told your dp to go to the kitchen?

Kids and adults can have different privileges and limitations. WTAF.

According to some posters here, I am clearly a bully and abuser of my own DD, because I don't let her have her toys in every room of the house. Pish-posh. I have a bright and lively and very loved child whom gets comments everywhere we go about her sunny disposition.

[brdgrl]

who, obviously. :)