Teenager and washing

[Jan45]

I posted a while back re my stepson, he's nearly 18, him and his dad moved in with me 7 months ago and from day one the ss doesn't appear to wash, ie, has no personal hygiene whatsoever. I can't stand having someone live with me who stinks so for the past 7 months I've tried everything, ie, explaining to him the importance of keeping clean, the reasons why and also why I expect it - all to no avail, the showering starts and then soon stops, I have to remind him every week to take a shower so you're lucky if he washes once a week.

Came home last night and as usual he's in his bed (doesn't appear to be making much progress looking for a job). When he got up I lost it a bit and brought up the non washing again, he just stands there and says he doesn't know - I don't think I've ever came across a teenager as lazy as this - I know it's normal for teenage boys not to take so much care over their appearance but I've been asking then telling him for 7 months now and I'd just had enough last night.

I've now told him unless he takes the responsibility for showering I will take away his internet connection, I just don't know what else to do, it's like a losing battle that I aint prepared to lose. I don't ask anything of him, his dad gives me money that more than covers their keep plus I am not his mum so feel uncomfortable even having to raise this issue, I told his Dad it's his job and I should not be having to step in all the time. It's difficult, what would you have done in my position, am I doing the right thing here?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm in agreement with people that say that your DP needs to take more of an interest. I don't actually think it is 'normal' any more for teenage boys, once they get past about 14, to be the stereotypical smelly, scruffy thing. Advertising these days is all about male grooming and whenever I get in a room with my DS's mates (13 yos) they seem quite inventive with the hair products and the molecules of various colognes are so dense it's tough to breathe.

Does he realise that his scruffiness is hampering his job prospects? Does he have or hope to have a sexual relationship with a woman at some point? These are the 'man to man' aspects that DP can stress

Thinking about 'threats'. I've only my own DS to go on but I find he responds 10 x better if he feels that he's responsible for something, included in household decisions and basically treated like a grown-up than he does to the threat of things being taken away. Which, let's face it, is more normal treatment for prisoners or toddlers. I think he desperately needs to be occupied. Staying in bed all day is a recipe for depression. He needs jobs around the home or garden, volunteering locally, something physical ... there's got to be something you can make him do.

Then there's the confidence/self-esteem/stress/depression aspect. After being rejected by mum and shoe-horned into another family he could be a bit delicate mentally and this 'dirty protest' is a symptom. What is good at? Putting a metaphorical peg on your nose, what can you find about him to love, admire and praise? Could he require some confidence-boosting?

And finally.... drink and drugs? The person I was at uni with who behaved like this was doing both and spent most of the day wasted in his room.

[Jan45]

I've tried everything - the girfriend angle, the self esteem angle, deodorants etc, nothing is working and I think it's mainly down to my b/f not enforcing any of it! Same with the lying in bed, not really looking for a job, my b/f ok's all this by saying nothing to him and continuing to give him money. I came home last week and b/f was hoovering out the car after doing an 11hr shift whilst son was languishing in his pit - when I raise the issue my b/f is quick to tell me it's not my concern and to butt out.

So, I either shut up and put up or ask them to leave, the latter feels more attractive to me.

My b/f and his son have a very limited relationship, I've observed very little communication between the two of them; I actually think my b/f thinks he only has to provide a roof, shelter and food and that's it. I am rapidly losing patience and respect for him. I feel it's time I put my needs first and accept that things will not change. We're having a talk later but I think it's going to be more about them moving out as if he is not willing to ensure his son does the basic of things, why waste any more of my time?

[Jan45]

As for the weed, I could smell it about a month ago and ss denied it even though the stench from his room would knock you out, to his credit he manned up a little later and said yes, I asked him not to smoke in my home and he respects this but most nights he pops out for a dessert (joint) and again, my b/f is enabling this by giving him money while he does feck all day every day.

[Ragwort]

Jan - your BF is clearly enabling his son to behave like this, giving him money to spend on drugs and letting him spend all day in bed? What sort of a 'father' behaves like that? Take a long hard look at the situation, as you say, why waste your time on these two anymore?

[Jan45]

Ragwort, it's all I have been thinking about and yes I'm not seeing a picture I want to be part of, it just feels so petty, it's not an affair, it's not him mistreating me, it's him mistreating his son and I don't think I can watch any more of it, it's not normal in my book to behave like this, it's hardly the son's fault when both his parents don't give a stuff about him or his future.

Do I really want to spend what time I have left (not getting any younger) on a guy who thinks it's ok to not parent his child and for his child's behaviour to have me upset pretty much every 7 days when I have to bring it up again, I'm like a broken record, even I'm bored listening to myself!

[Jan45]

So, after 15 minutes of me venting my frustrations my oh walks out so that was that. Son now coming in late so completely avoiding showering full stop. I feel I am going insane with it all, something my partner should have sorted months ago is still going on. His answer to the problem was that he and his son will move out rather than cause me grief, so that's my answer, he doesn't want to sort anything out, he wants to play the victim and make me look like the mad woman - well ok, cheerio then.

[allnewtaketwo]

So sorry to hear that Jan45. Unfortunately it's often the easiest route taken to go along with unreasonable behaviour from the child and in the meantime make the person pointing out the madness (i.e. the long-suffering partner) into the evil one for daring to notice and comment on what is going on in their home.

[Ragwort]

Well, you've got your answer Jan45 haven't you, it sounds tough but if that's what your DP believes then he really isn't truly into you is he? I am sure in the long run you will be glad to have your home back to yourself. As all is saying, he is trying to make you look like the 'bad guy' but you're not, and the son will have so many issues in his life if he can't get used to the idea of showering regularly and starting to look for a job/college whatever.

Be strong, put yourself first. .

[Jan45]

Thanks Ragwort, last night was a complete turnaround, he told me he was sorry, he didn't realise blah blah blah, I've told him it's last chance saloon, no more talking, he either parents his son and shows me a bit more consideraton or it really is the end, I just hope he can do it, it's simple to me and you but obviously not to him, I really don't know why not but I do know he is a very lucky man to have me, I'm a good person who is only ever trying to do the right thing. I don't actually think he deserves me but I'm willing to give it one more go, I do love him in all the other ways, it's a shame.

[specialsubject]

Stick to your guns. Your 'partner' has clearly bred another of the same. It doesn't sound to me like you get anything out of this - no respect, no company, no team work, just two lazy kids and one stinky one.

glad it is your home. I think it is time you had it to yourself if nothing changes.

good luck.

[Eliza22]

Hear hear! Well said Specialsubject. They sound like a pair of squatters in OP's home. I'd give them notice.... And mean it!

[Jan45]

Thanks for comments, I do get friendship and company but yes the team work isn't how I would like it. My b/f is a lovely guy but he's definitely lazy when it comes to his son, I just don't get it.

I will be sticking to my guns don't worry and yes it's all mine, my b/f gives me a lot of money but I'd simply replace that with a flatmate!

[Ragwort]

I hope things work out for you Jan - but please don't settle for second best, keep this thread as a reminder of the situation and review it in a couple of weeks time?

As I said before, the issue for me is not so much the non-washing teenager (I have a 12 year old DS myself, fortunately he likes showering ) but how your DP relates to his own son. To me the way my DH 'fathers' (for want of a better word!) our son is very, very important to me, it makes him who he is and I enjoy watching how their relationship has and is developing as our DS grows up. .

[Jan45]

I get that Ragwort and I do agree but it's not my son so it's a kind of different situation and the fact he is nearly 18.

When we lived together before they were both fine and my b/f did his job ok but since they've been living on their own the parenting has all but gone out the window and it does affect the way I view him, unfortunately.

Will see what happens, I don't want to end an 11 year relationship that is good in every other way, I'd rather stay and sort it out, but yes, it's up to my b/f to ensure this is once and for all settled.

[Jan45]

I feel so bloody stupid, it's a week later and nothing changed, the showering was a non event and b/f doing nothing as usual. Surely the most frustrating situation I've ever been in but I have to admit defeat now and bow out, they must go, I literally can't stand it any longer. How many chances do you give people before you reach your limit, mine's was 8 months.

A new life beckons, can't be any worse than this.

[Eliza22]

Oh Jan I'm sorry. But you know? You've been tolerant and accommodating and some people wouldn't mind the lack of personal hygiene. But you do. You two (3) are not compatible. Enough!

When my SD expected me to clear up her dirty knickers and vomit stained clothes (she was 17) I finally drew a line. Haven't spoken to her since. It's all about personal standards and individual tolerance levels. SD said her mum wouldn't mind. But you see, I wasn't her mum and I minded, very much.

[Ragwort]

Jan - sorry, , you tried really, really hard but now is the time to move on, you can do it, hold your head high, get them out of your life and start doing some fun things for yourself. Have you got some supportive friends around to go out with? Good luck.

[Jan45]

Morning Ragwort, feel like I've been punched in the stomach but yes I have great family and friends so I reckon I'll be A ok, thanks for the support x