would anyone else find this a bit odd/frustarting?

[Stepmooster]

DH has been told today by DSS that his mum and her DH are going abroad on hols for 2 weeks in summer. Forgetting for one moment that DH has been helping with her court ordered mortgage payments until FMH sale has gone through because she's supposed to be skint, isn't it a bit odd not to tell the only other person with PR that you are planning to be out of the country?

What makes this especially annoying is DSS doesn't know the dates. DH will have to ask his ex and no doubt she will send him some usual bitchy reply.

We got told what 2 weeks we're having DSS by his ex a few weeks ago, not open for discussion. No probs that I will be 8 months pregnant and both of us working FT. First baby born 2 weeks early too. DH has managed to sort time off but I need to help us through maternity leave financially so I will have to work. I am guessing this is when they are going abroad. Although DSS has been known to stay for a week or 2 with his maternal gran when ex has gone on holiday (and Dh not asked if he would like to have his son then instead).

I'm just dreading August, a long commute on the tube, a 13 month old, a bored 11 yo for 2 weeks. What are we going to do if babba arrives early we only have a 2 bed?!

[NotaDisneyMum]

Being there for your child when it isn't practical for the other parent to look after the child you have together in instances like these, is far more important that trying to stick to rigid rules, routines and "principles".

It took me far too long to realise this - I look back in horror at some of the things I said to my ex

[NotaDisneyMum]

I didnt realise that if one expected their childs father to act like the other parent it meant one didnt care about ones DCs.

Funny that. I have managed for 4 years to love and care for my DD1 while still having a life while she was with her father.

Wannabe - it's not about not caring; for me it's about being available.

When my ex and I were together, we regularly left DD in her grandparents care for weekends away..

But, I wouldn't have planned to leave her in relatives care for her first day of a new school, or her exam week, for instance - I think it's important that she has her parents support at times like that.

I don't do it now either; even if she is in her Dads care - why shouldn't she have both of us around if she needs us?

I fully understand why the OP thinks her DSS mums behaviour is odd - why would you plan to be unavailable for your DC at a time when they are more likely to need you?

[mumandboys123]

Quite. Both the OPs DH and his ex have equal responsibility for their DS - who has, based on the account of the OP, some fairly traumatic memories of her giving birth. The parents could work together to minimise the impact on DS this time, whether that is for Mum to be available if DS needs her, or Dad to put arrangements in place for both his DCs. Neither parent has done so, and I think the OP is perfectly justified in feeling frustrated that neither parent is doing what she thinks is best.

but what this comes back to is responsibility and reasonableness. Is it reasonable to expect someone who works in a school to not have a holiday during the summer because their ex is having a baby and they want the other parent to be available to care for their child when labour starts? We have established that if we are going to insist on this, mum basically has a good 5 week window during which she will have to sit and wait. She has 6 weeks holiday so a 2 week holiday away, abroad, would not be unreasonable. Basically, because her ex is having another baby, she is unable to go on holiday by your rules.

The OP is suggesting her baby is likely to come quickly. This means that if DSS is around, he's going to see and hear something. Should he not see his father for 5 out of 6 weeks in the summer cos something might happen? Would it not be more sensible to include the child in the set up, sit him down and explain to him where babies come from and the processes that women go through to have a baby - if he's 11, he's going to get the gist any day soon anyway! It's dad who's having the baby...so it's his responsibility to do that. If he doesn't, should mum? Probably, yes, but what should she say? You're not really that important to your dad cos he can't even see you for 6 weeks 'cos the baby, who is destined to arrive in record time, might just arrive in front of you? What you're suggesting is that she misses out on a holiday, has her 11 year old for the whole holiday (and swallows the cost of activities for that), that he doesn't see his dad for the whole summer and that she bothers to explain to him what it means to be a blended family and where he will fit into someone else's family even though none of it means nothing at all to her?

This is absolutely without question the responsibility of the father to sort out.

[mumandboys123]

but why is the child more likely to need his mum when it is his dad who is having a baby?! his position in his mum's household remains unchanged. It's dad who needs to reassure and support and be there for ALL his children.

I am flouncing off. This is not getting my essay done!

[NotaDisneyMum]

mumandboys what I'm suggesting is that both parents try and put their DS first.
The OP has said that her DHs ex has ignored his emails about the issue, they were sent back in January. I don't think it's unreasonable to criticise her for that.

As for 'explaining where babies come from' - that would have worked the first time. Problem is that he already has very negative memories and associations of his SM labour. I know plenty of mothers and fathers who have had traumatic birth experiences who need specialist support in subsequent pregnancies - why shouldn't this little boy be given similar support?

[NotaDisneyMum]

but why is the child more likely to need his mum when it is his dad who is having a baby?!

Because, inconveniently for the adults, DCs don't box off their lives into 'life with mum' and 'life with Dad'. If there's something going on in Dads house that upsets them, then they are upset - even when they're with Mum - and will benefit from support from both parents.

I learnt this the hard way

[breaktheroutine]

"She is entitled to book a holiday whenever she likes"

without any thought to who, if anyone, will be able to take care of the child? Goodness, what an odd view of parenting you have. Sounds extremely negligent to me. What if dad is also away at that time/working whatever. She didn't even check. I don't plan so much as an evening out without first ensuring I know exactly what arrangements there are for DS's care, let alone 2 weeks

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

NADM

I will leave you to your mad ideas. Honestly I have never heard anything more ridiculous.

So two nights a week I should sit by the phone incase my ex has a crisis while caring for his child and needs me to pick up the pieces? Haha. Sorry but no.

[NotaDisneyMum]

I do 'get' that it's unfair that the decisions of one parent can have such a significant impact on the other even after they've split - why the hell should I care if my ex is getting married, having a baby, moving house - that's none of my business, and I'm not going to live my life around him, right?

But, it affects my DC in exactly the same way as the SATS week or school change, or death of her school friend does. I didn't swan off to celebrate my DPs 40th during my DDs SATs exams, or decide to see my favourite band in concert the day she started her new school. I cancelled my weekend away when she was inconsolable when her friends left the area and I certainly wouldn't plan to go abroad for two weeks the summer her SM was due another baby - because in DDs life, they are all equally significant even though they mean very little to me personally.

[YouMaySayImADreamer]

Just reread the op - she knows what date her and dh are having dss - these have been communicated, whats the problem? Reading between the lines of the main complaints listed, and the last paragraph of the op in particular, sorry but it very much just comes across that the op just doesnt want dss around for two weeks and is trying to use all sorts of reasons to justify/disguise this fact!

From what the op has said about the potential for the baby to come early, and factoring in that every pregnancy is different (it sounds like op has only based her predictions on her previous pregnancy father than what she has been told to expect with this one) and any baby can potentially go two weeks overdue, that is quite a huge window to expect dss's mum to be available!! That is not her shirking her responsibility or being unreasonable - it doesnt even sound from the op that she has booked her hol around the due date!!

It does come across that op just doesnt want the inconvenience of dss around, but as other posters have said, the same arrangements should be made as for the other baby. If dss was their joint child too, im sure there would be SOMEONE else who could have him.

When i recently gave birth to my ds, it was my dps night to have my dss. We knew early in the day that i was in actually in labour, but we still had him as normal for tea in order to keep things as normal as possible for him and not push him away from "our" little family. I just kept away from him when i was in real pain and when things got really bad, dps mum came and got him - we made arrangements from our side since it was us who had him that night!

[breaktheroutine]

" If dss was their joint child too, im sure there would be SOMEONE else who could have him"

Not necessarily. DH and I have NO ONE else to help. So every event has to be meticulously planned way in advance

[FreddieMisaGREATshag]

I'm with wannabe and mum.

I'm out.

[NotaDisneyMum]

Just reread the op - she knows what date her and dh are having dss - these have been communicated, whats the problem?

The 'problem' is that these have been dictated, not agreed, and fall precisely within the period that the OPs DH explained months ago would be difficult for them to accommodate.

As I'm a very WSM, if I were the OP, I'd be making it clear to my DH that he's on his own in terms of caring for DSS during those two weeks; no pick ups, sitting while DH is at work, nothing. It's his ex dictating when DSS has contact so he can deal with it. Can he care for his DS without delegating responsibility to his very pregnant DW (the OP)?

[spg1983]

youmay I agree 100% with you. nadm my DH would never tell his ex that it was too "difficult to accommodate" his son. DSS is his son, no matter what else is going on in his life. You can't just switch off from being a dad because it's not convenient at that time!

And as for leaving DH to care for DSS, it's not fair on the stepchild if someone totally disengages from him because they have a new child to focus on and DSS suddenly stops being the OP's problem. Relationships don't work like that, you wouldn't expect her to do that to her own child! The poor DSS will already be feeling unsure, this rejection is cruelty.

When you enter into a relationship where children are involved you have to take on the new lifestyle and relationships that come with it. You can't pick and choose where vulnerable children are involved.

[brdgrl]

You can't just switch off from being a dad because it's not convenient at that time!

and yet this is ok for the mum to do.

The point is that both families ought to be equally entitled to flexibility around the time with the child. In this case, the mum seems to be presuming that she is entitled to such flexibility - but is not respecting the request of the other household for some flexibility. That's crap.

If instead of a birth, the dad and OP had made travel arrangements of their own, previous to being informed of the dates, presumably they'd have then to cancel their own holiday so that the mum could have her's? In that case, people would be saying perhaps that the OP and DH should have waited to book a holiday until they'd been informed of contact dates. It's ridiculous.

I don't think it is necessary for a mum (or a dad!) to "wait by the phone" in case their child needs them when they're away at work or holiday - but I certainly don't abandon all responsibility and concern for my DD when I levae her in someone else's care. What an awful idea.

[spg1983]

needa yes I agree it was a pretty drastic way to say it but...my reasoning behind it is that the OP has said that her and DH have told DSS' mum that they don't want DSS to visit from when she's 8 months pg and then says that when the baby's there then there's nowhere for DSS to sleep! I'm sorry if it offends/upsets you but I think her DH is behaving disgracefully by naming this "window" of time where they say that DSS is not able to be accommodated (at least 4 weeks but potentially longer depending on when OP gives birth and if/when their rooming issues get resolved).

I would think very seriously about having a child with someone who can treat his son like that.

By the way, please don't think I'm suggesting DSS should be there for the birth just to prove a point or stick to principles. I just think DSS deserves to be treated with the same care and consideration as the op's biological child and that doesn't seem to be happening. There's enough disruption in a stepchild's life without being told they are not welcome at their parent's house because of a new baby...

[brdgrl]

why oh why is no one asking why it isn't a disruption and a horrible offence and unfair and hurtful to this same boy that his mum is going on holiday with her new husband and not taking him along?

...because I know that is what we'd be seeing if it the OP and her DH were going on holiday and sending DSS off to his mum's.

Total double standard.

[FreddieMisaGREATshag]

My ex went on holiday twice last year and didn't take my kids.

Not an issue.

I went away last year with my then partner and didn't take my kids.

Not an issue.

Well, not for me anyway. If I have the kids, I get to choose what happens, if he has them he gets to choose. And when we don't have them we are free to choose what to do.

[brdgrl]

That's fine, freddie, but not comparable. Sounds like you and your ex have an equally respectful thing going on there.

In this case both parties have a period when they would prefer the kid were with the other party. In the case of the mum, it is the weeks she is on holiday. In the case of the OP, it is when she is eight months pregnant (I don't see her indicating that she doesn't want DSS there at all). These are either both reasonable positions, or neither is.

And again - why the double standard about the 'poor kid'? He's being treated abysmally because his stepmum and dad would prefer his stay was another time, but it is absolutely ok that his mum and her own DH can piss off on holiday without him. (for the record, I agree with you that both sets of parents should be able to have child-free holidays, but I have been around here long enough to know that if the stepmum were the one planning the child-free holiday, she'd be getting stick for that.)

[Alwayscheerful]

I only read the first 20 or so posts and I am astounded at some of the vile attitudes displayed.

For goodness sake, can we not give our ex partners, new wives and children/stepchildren the same consideration we would give to strangers or fellow human beings?

A new mum deserves to have her husband by her side wherever possible. Even animals are allowed to give birth in stress free situation. Mums and Dads should share holiday dates at the earliest opportunity and why wouldn't they share this information? It does not matter if they are together or separated, it is simply considerate.

Parents should be the first port of call, if one is not available it is in the best interest of a child for the other parent to be available or to make themselves available, RP, NRP and court orders aside, it is simply common sense.

OP your DP or DH should be protecting you from this stress insist he sorts it NOW.

[NotaDisneyMum]

Well, not for me anyway. If I have the kids, I get to choose what happens, if he has them he gets to choose. And when we don't have them we are free to choose what to do.

Do you tell your ex when he's having the DCs, too? Or do you discuss it with him?

Do you ignore emails from your ex telling you that there are dates when DSS may be less likely to have quality time with him, because his DW may be in labour? Or do you acknowledge that it may not be in your DS best interest for you to insist on contact so you can go on holiday when your ex is unable to give your DS his full attention?