Why do Stepchildren need to stay the night?

[tinybluemoon]

Just a question that was raised in my other thread (Sorry MN head quarters, I know you hate these spin offs) that I thought might be worthy of exploration.

Why is it so important that our stepchildren stay the night? It isn't like any activities or bonding can be undertaken while sleeping, and I know myself I've always preferred to sleep in my own bed, and I know my own children are much the same. Surely it would be just as worth while to eat dinner as a family and than return home, especially if the children must be up early to be delieved home in the morning, not leaving much time for morning activities.

So why is it always viewed as important for visitation to include overnights? Who actually benefits from these? The children? The parents? The CSA? Who?

[pictish]

Fair point Petal.

[Booyhoo]

"Why does common sense go out the window with step families? "

because with step families/blended families there are far more people to be fair to than in a family where both parents are together or even where they are separated but both still single and no other children.

with step families you still have the obligation to be fair to your existing children and their other parent but you also have the commitments you have made to your new partner and they have commitments to their children that may live with you and so in an attempt to be fair to ALL involved sometimes you end up performing this insane balancing act that ends up with nobody getting what they feel is 'fair'

[Pinkshaman]

I didn't have room for my dsd. She sleeps on the sofa and we've made part of the lounge her bedroom. It's not ideal by any means but at least when neither her mum nor dad were bothering to make sure she had somewhere to live I was able to show her that someone cared.

If I went on to have another 2/3 children or more I wouldn't be saying that dd and dsd could no longer sleep at mine as there wasn't room. I'd be finding a way round it.

[FrauMoose]

"Why does common sense go out the window with step families?"

I think it's about love. Does that answer the question.

[Petal02]

I do wonder how many children, who get shunted off for overnighters (and then suffer overcrowding, difficult school journeys etc) actually appreciate the experience? They might have been perfectly happy to see Dad, but would then prefer to go home to their own bedrooms, and a short journey to school the following day - rather than be room-sharing with children they may not know very well, or may not like, and then having a silly journey to school the next day, having to cart their overnight bag with them. All in the name of box-ticking.

[wannaBe]

I think the whole reference to "their own bed," is very telling indeed.

Ultimately, if you get involved with someone who has children then those children become a part of your life, 24/7 if that needs to be the case. As a stepparent you don't get to choose when the stepkids should and shouldn't be allowed into the equasion. In this regard I think that stepfathers often expect and are expected to take on more because more often than not it is the case that the mother is the primary carer and as such the stepchildren live with them on a far more regular basis, yet women who take on a stepparent role seem to have an expectation that the stepchildren spend less time in the family environment as traditionally they would live with their mother and only be seen on access visits.

[FrauMoose]

My experience is that children - particularly as they get a bit older - are actually very good at letting parents know whether or not an arrangement works for them. They may be balancing their own needs and also doing some complicated juggling about the needs of their parents. But certainly once they become of an age where they are able to spend time unsupervised and their social lives begin to develop, they get very vocal indeed!

[Petal02]

I think the whole reference to ?their own bed? is very telling indeed

When I said ?their own bed? I meant the bed in which they spend the majority of nights. And if it?s the usual EOW arrangement, then the child lives with Mum and visits Dad. So they spend the majority of nights at Mums.

And I also speak from my experience of being a step child; I was happy to visit Dad, but preferred to go home (yes, I used the word ?home?) to Mum afterwards, to my own bedroom and then would be happy to see Dad again next week.

This isn?t to say that overnighters are never appropriate, just not mandatory, and you can certainly have a fulfilling relationship with your NRP without them.

[FreakoidOrganisoid]

Petal it doesn't have to involve complicated school runs. My dc go to their dad every other weekend. Friday night to Sunday lunchtime.
It's not an even split no, and they do consider my house more home than his but having that two night stay with hin has really changed their relationship with him from when they used to see him for a few hours during the day.

[Petal02]

Freak, when overnighters don't involve complicated school runs, then there's no problems. We only had problems with my DSS's overnight stays if we had to get him to school the next day. If it was on a weekend, it wasn't an issue.

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

These days fathers and children are much more involved in all parenting aspects. Dhs special time with the dcs is the evening routine, the story at night etc, why should a father, and child, be denied that?

In the 70s it was the done thing that fathers had access for a Sat or such, for some it might have worked, but for many it didnt. I think its great that the role of the father is much more these days.

[goodiegoodieyumyum]

I don't think a child needs to stay with their parents over night, my sisters and brother and I stayed occasionally with my dad, but we saw him every weekend. I am so glad they did not do every other weekend when I was a child, I find it quite disgusting that some children get to see one of their parents two days every two weeks, surely seeing them at least once a week is much healthier. 50-50 is rarely practical.

My dad did not live close enough to have us during the week, but if he had to have us for a whole weekend, I don't know how my brother and sister could have continued to play tennis, my eldest sister to play netball nor would I have been able to continue with my gymnastics. I probably would not have been able to go to youth group, these things I would have resented, as it was my eldest sister resented having to see him every weekend as she wanted to be spending time with her friends when she was a teenager and she wasn't given a choice unlike I was at the age of 14.

I have some great memories of spending days out with my dad, we went on long drives, camping, to the beach, he still took us to the library and read us stories. I suppose I am lucky my mother had no problem him coming in our house and spending Sunday afternoon, playing board games if the weather wasn't nice.

You have to what is best for your children and that isn't always having them sleep in your home if there is no room, the important thing is making the time you do spend with them quality time.

[exoticfruits]

Simply put-they have two families and you tend to sleep with your family.When you got DH you got his children -for life.

It was 'love me, love my child'-they certainly would not be coming into a home where someone has to question whether they spend the night there! As many nights as they want is the answer-for as long as they want.

[Petal02]

You have to do what it best for your children, and that isn?t always having them sleep in your home if there is no room, the important thing is making the time you do spend with them quality time

Hallelujah !!!! Is common sense starting to prevail?????

[seeker]

So what about the other parent doing what's best for his/her children?

[KobayashiMaru]

Perhaps your husband should have thought it through before having 6 children in 6 years with 2 different women. 3 2 year olds was never going to be that easy, and your answer to just throw out half of his children because yours are more deserving of their fathers time is a very selfish one.

[EldritchCleavage]

It just sounds like code for 'Why do I have to have them?'

[bakingaddict]

Why get it on with a guy who already has 3 children if you didn't want the hassle of stepkids. Did you think they would just vamoosh out of his life the minute yours came along? You need some perspective really and maybe for your DH to get the snip

[Petal02]

I really have got to get some ironing done - so can we all just agree to differ?

Amen.

[wannaBe]

but why would you live in an environment which is not condusive to having your children overnight? I really, really don't get that. Presumably if you split from your h you wouldn't then go and live in a house which meant your own biological children couldn't stay there? or would you?

As a matter of interest, how does your h feel about all this? Because if he feels as you do that his children are an inconvenience then you do realise that if you split then the same will apply to your children yes?

[wannaBe]

oh and, you can't just close a discussion just because the majority don't agree with you.

[Petal02]

Wannabe - I'm not trying to close the discussion, it's not my thread, I'm not the OP. I was just bowing out for a few hours to get some other stuff done.

[goodiegoodieyumyum]

Wannabe, so if you divorce you suddenly have the money to provide another house the right size to accommodate all your children. When my father first left my mum all he could afford was a one bedroom flat over a shop, we slept it the front room, with neon lights from the shop shining in. I hated it. Some men and woman end up living with their parents, on the couch of a friend or sharing a house if that is all they can afford.

I don't for one minute say the OP is right, actually I find it a bit strange that she has 2 year old twins with her DH and he has a 2 yeas Dc with his ex, how is that possible unless he got her pregnant either as soon as he left his wife or whilst still married to her, why would you get yourself into that situation.

I think you have to divorce yourself from her other thread and the question asked as I think there can be many situations why it is not best for children to be spending the night with the NRP.

[Snuppeline]

"Perhaps your husband should have thought it through before having 6 children in 6 years with 2 different women. 3 2 year olds was never going to be that easy, and your answer to just throw out half of his children because yours are more deserving of their fathers time is a very selfish one."

Assuming the quote is correct... Then I can only think how very odd disgusting that you have dc the same age as one of the dc of the xwife... Is that true? Care to explain that one?

I chose to begin a relationship with a man who had children from before. This means our holidays are not our own, it means our family time sometimes include more dc than live here permanently. It means sharing resources: financial, practical and emotional. It means becoming a family and learning to love all that are a part of that family and making sure everyone feel fairly treated and safe and loved. If you didn't have it in you to provide any of those things you shouldn't have had dc with a man who already had them. At the very least you should have waited until the dc were grown before having your own. That way space wouldn't have been an issue either.

The measure of a man surely is how he treats his x and non-resident children. I therefore hope you dp is made of something different than you appear to be made of and that he ensures that his non-res dc are treated equal to the ones you have in common. Frankly OP, you sound horrible and toxic. I hope you read all the replies you've had here and get some counselling so your attitude and resentment doesn't blight these poor sdc future.

[Petal02]

The OP has a shortage of bedrooms. This does not make her disgusting, horrible or toxic. Just a bit short of space.