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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Bedrooms at mums

109 replies

Stepmooster · 27/12/2012 11:55

DH and his EX are not on speaking terms all communication via sols. Contact issue just about resolved but now DH feels he has one battle to fight on behalf of his son and that is the bedroom situation. DSS11 lives with his mum and half siblings, and has to share a bedroom with his sister (my DH ex DSD) who is 15. Their brother who is 18 (my DH ex DSS) has his own room. 18 year old has quit college not making much effort to find a job and is still at home coming home at whatever AM after drinking with his mates.

DH does not want his DS to share a room with either of them. DH would like the 18 year old to move in with his dad (not my DH) or elsewhere, or for my DSS to live with us as he thinks sharing a room with a 15 year old girl is unhealthy and not much better with a layabout brother.

EX treats her eldest like he walks on water, so this is not going to go down well. DSS has says all the time he likes his bedroom, and came to stay for a week when he was ill so he could rest quietly. We live 50 miles away from DSS main home so we are talking moving schools etc if he does come here.

Is DH being unreasonable?

OP posts:

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AmberLeaf · 27/12/2012 19:09

If they only speak through solicitors, how does your DH know so much about what goes on in his ex wifes home ie his step sons behavior etc?

Is that all based on what his 11 yr old is telling him?

He really has no right to say his ex wife should kick her son out!

Stepmooster · 27/12/2012 19:09

Ok so DH needs to get DSS to talk to his mother about it and tell him he cant do anything. Should he make it clear he is welcome to live here or just forget it?

My DH has no problem in being reasonable its his ex who wanted to go through solicitors. And no he has never interfered in anything she does regarding parenting hes not breathing down her neck. This would be the first time he's considered wanting to discuss DSS welfare with her, other than when he asked for secondary school brochures and he agreed with her school choice.

Just out of interest how old does an adult child living at home rent free, at the expense of his brother and sister sharing become unreasonable?a

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Stepmooster · 27/12/2012 19:13

Yes DSS tells him about his brother, he told us over dinner a month ago that his brother dropped out of college when DH asked how his brother was getting on with his studies. And then told us he was looking for a job, but then later told us he is never home just out all night with his friends.

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BOFingSanta · 27/12/2012 19:14

It doesn't become unreasonable as long as his own mother is happy to facilitate it, I'm afraid. You simply don't get a say in it.

Arisbottle · 27/12/2012 19:15

The fact that you talk about the home that your DH pays for and therefore he should have a say raises huge red flags for me.

We have paid for the home our stepson to live in, but now we have done so we have no say over how they live in that home.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 27/12/2012 19:18

And if it's what Amber Leaf says then be very careful as 11 year old's have a tendency to stretch the truth. Your Dh does sound rather controlling especially in wanting to tell his ex to ask her son, your dss brother, to leave.

VBisme · 27/12/2012 19:20

Look, it isn't practical for him to move in with you right now due to your geographical location.

When you do move his home siyuation may well have changed.

I think it's up to your SS to speak with his mum and stepdad to resolve the domestic issue. I don't think your DH or you should get involved.

How is his brother living at home "at the expense of", you do realise that there are families that have more children than bedrooms, most people seem to make it work.

Stepmooster · 27/12/2012 19:23

DH wasnt interested in getting involved until DSS started complaining. I guess DH thinks he has to do something. He shall have to tell DSS that its up to his mum then.

I dunno if DSS is unhappy he may well want to live here he gets grief from his sister all the time.

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LineRunner · 27/12/2012 19:26

But an 11 year old and a 15 year old are bound to bicker, surely.

AmberLeaf · 27/12/2012 19:27

I think you need a lot more to go on than what the 11 yr old is saying when prompted and even then, it is still not you or your DHs business really, unless of course the boy is in danger which it doesnt sound like at all.

Stepmooster · 27/12/2012 19:35

How do we get more info to go on? Does DH not discuss these conversations at all with the mother? They do afterall have equal parenting rights?

DH actually find it sad to hear that his son and his sister are falling out as he felt she was his guardian when he left the marriage. The brother was a bit wayward when he was still living there and he thought he might end up like this. DH thinks hes a bad influence on DSS. DH would rather his brother moved out than split DSS and sister up. He can see his son wanting to live here if nothing changes in a year or two. despite what you may think he doesnt really want that. Is a sad situation seems like a chaotic home life for DSS.

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purpleroses · 27/12/2012 19:37

It's natural that your DP wants to sort thing out for his DS but he needs to accept that there are some things he sadly cannot fix. Most 18 year olds still live at home and it really is up to his mum to decide what's the best balance between the needs of everyone in her household.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 27/12/2012 19:59

Sad situation? Fgs you and your dh are being completely dramatic, your making out your dss life is so awful when it sounds like many many families these days, siblings argue but underneath will love each other deeply, the economic climate makes it difficult for many people to upsize.

Stepmooster · 27/12/2012 20:10

This on its own is not so bad add in other things such as DSS wanting to spend holidays with his dad and DH having to go through solicitors to achieve it. Hearing from DSS that his mother involved him on the financial settlement discussions which gave him night terrors at 8 years old. Seeing your DSS wearing clothes that are too small and tight knowing your DH pays a heck of a lot maintenance but mummy has a new car, been on holiday etc. Thats sad is it not?

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Arisbottle · 27/12/2012 20:35

My children are all well cared for but you can catch them in clothes that are too small .

Children are experts at make you look crap,

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 27/12/2012 20:53

How do you know he had night terrors and discuss financial matters with his mum? At eight I would imagine financial speak is all 'blah blah blah' to him. If your dh is so concerned why has he not addressed these matters with his solicitor? It all seems very odd tbh.

Stepmooster · 27/12/2012 20:56

He had night terrors when he stayed with his dad. DSS told his dad that mummy told him that daddy wanted to sell the house and make them homeless. In June DSS wrote a letter to both his mum and dad asking to see his dad more and to see dad and mum at xmas time.

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NatashaBee · 27/12/2012 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stepmooster · 27/12/2012 21:02

My DH had addressed these matters with the solicitors. But there wasnt a lot he could do living with his parents.

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LineRunner · 27/12/2012 21:30

It's unusual for a man to still be paying the mortgage on a house being lived in by a new husband. How do you feel about that, if you don't mind me asking? (If you mind, just say so. It's ok.)

Arisbottle · 27/12/2012 21:31

We happily paid for a house for the mother of a stepson knowing that one day she may move a new husband in. We just want our stepson to be happy and for that happen his mother needs to feel secure.

LineRunner · 27/12/2012 21:33

But you are unusual (in a good way), I feel, Arisbottle.

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Arisbottle · 27/12/2012 21:34

I hope we are not, all parents should just want the best for their children.

VBisme · 27/12/2012 21:39

Yes, but not all parents can afford to pay for 2 houses.....

izzyhasanewchangeling · 27/12/2012 21:40

OK I got bored of reading all the arguing.

He needs to stop paying the mortgage, which is in effect him subsidising the ex in her new marriage, CSA is to cover the maintenance and extra if he can provide it and wants to, also CSA do not recognise money paid re a mortgage as maint.

As long as he is paying the mortgage there is no incentive for her to sort it out.

He cannot suggest that the oldest moves out, that is none of his business, Id go spare if that suggestion was made to me.

Of course he can see if DSS wants to live with you, but chances are he wont want to - they tend to cling to mum.

DSS is 11 and more than old enough to have a view on where he lives.

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