DSD1 (the eldest of 2 DSDs) refuses to see her biological dad

[stairdad]

I have two DSDs; the eldest is currently 9, the youngest is 8. Both DSDs live with me and my OH (their biological mother (BM)). The formal arrangement, which has been in place for a few years, is that they see their Biological Dad (BD) every other weekend, every Friday, and either every Tuesday or Thursday - basically they see him a lot and if ever they want to see him or speak to him outside of this they are free to do so - something we encourage and something he wants. So far so good.

About 18 months ago the kid's BD moved into a new house with his new OH; about 12 months ago he and she had a new baby. Good for them.

Over the course of the last year our eldest DSD has been wanting to see her BD less and less; she has stopped wanting to sleep at his house all together and is now starting to refuse to see him at all. Not good for anyone (I think?)

There is some obvious stuff in here in that the eldest DSD (DSD1) had undivided attention for 18 months from both biological parents (BPs) before DSD2 came long, at which point DSD1 had to share the BPs with DSD2. Then when the kid's BD lived on his own both DSDs had him to themselves when they saw him, then when he moved in with his new OH they had to share him with her. And then when the new baby came along both DSDs had to share their BD with his new OH and his new baby. So it's been diminishing time alone for DSD1 with her BD from when she was 18 months old.

There is some less obvious stuff in here in that both DSDs tell us that their BD's new OH has had words with the DSDs along the lines of "don't wreck my house in the same way you wreck your own house" (I can't blame her for that) which has made DSD1 not like her much, or to be more accruate not like going round their BD's new house where DSD1 feels she is not in control (DSD2 is 'totally' fine wth all of this and appears to love the new baby). Also, both DSDs had their own bedrooms at their BD's new house and where DSD1 has been refusing to go round to the BD's new house the BD decided to give one of the two bedrooms to his new mother in law when she stays and consequently make both DSDs share a bedroom. This makes sense on paper as DSD1 had pretty much stopped sleeping there when this happened, although (understandably) in the eyes of DSD1 this is another reduction in how much she feels her BD is focusing on her. Finally, DSD1 can be a selfish little cow whereas DSD2 is a bit more balanced.

My problem now is that DSD1 is refusing to even see her BD at all, this has been happening for a couple of weeks after consistently deteriorating over the past year. I can hear the screaming in the background as I'm typing this as her BD is coming round in 5 minutes to take them out for a mince pie (this year he is having them boxing day and we are having them Christmas day, it alternates each year).

I strongly believe both DSDs should see their BD regularly and as agreed. My OH, the kid's BM, believes that forcing DSD1 to see her BD will end up in DSD1 hating her BD, which no one wants to happen.

What should I do when DSD1 refuses to go out the front door with her BD when he calls for a planned meeting? DSD1 is admirably strong willed and sees this as another control issue.

Short of physically dragging DSD1 out of the house, something I'm not allowed to do, I don't know what to do with this. DSD1 is not materialistic in the slightest and can't be persuaded by such things as having her Christmas presents taken away. In general she can be a little selfish cow when she isn't getting what she wants; when I was her age I'd have received a few smacked bums and that would have been that, these days though that isn't an option.

From my own selfish perspective with DSD1 refusing to see her dad, and my OH refusing to use baby sitters, we don't get any time to ourselves anymore, but I don't want that to be the focus of this thread.

What d'ya reckon? Should DSD1 be forced to see he BD? If so, how?

[Pantomimedam]

Yes, exactly that. They can talk grown up but you have to remind yourself they are very far from grown up!

[stairdad]

Sorry, just duplicated my last post.

I can definitely relate to what you say about unrealistic ecpectations. Just because I can have a conversation with them doesn't mean they are adults.

Also as I'm their step dad I don't have the automatic unconditional love that their mum and dad have, I have to work at it.

[stairdad]

It was brilliant by all accounts, sadly he died very very suddenly eight years ago. There is a lot of fall-out for the whole family around that, which manifests itself in a variety of ways, in my OH's case one of the outcomes is a fierce independance, among other things. Got to sign off now to wrap presents and put on clearly fake cotton ball beard.

[Pantomimedam]

'I think it is perfectly possible to learn the skills required to be an effective parent without having your own biological children' - true but it takes time and doesn't come automatically, as it does for many new parents when they have a baby (although not all new parents, of course, PND/difficulty bonding and all that).

If you've had your child since a baby, you know them thoroughly and have lots of adorable memories of all the great times to help you through the more difficult ones. It's tough for step-parents who don't have that life-long (for the child) connection. It is true what they tell you 'it's different when you have your own' as many nannies will confess - far easier to manage children you nanny than deal with your own who know how to press your buttons! Can also be an issue that step-parents sometimes have expectations that are out of kilter - unreasonable for the developmental stage of the step-child, for instance, especially if they have their own children who are much younger.

Basically, families are complicated, human relationships are complicated, being a parent is hard and being a step-parent is hard. Somehow most of us manage to muddle through, thank heavens, and often more by luck than judgement!

[stairdad]

It was brilliant by all accounts, sadly he died very very suddenly eight years ago. There is a lot of fall-out for the whole family around that, which manifests itself in a variety of ways, in my OH's case one of the outcomes is a fierce independance, among other things. Got to sign off now to wrap presents and put on clearly fake cotton ball beard.

[NotaDisneyMum]

DSD1 went out with her dad today after a huge screamning fit and all was well with the world when she got back.

Excellent - it's important that the DC's continue to have positive experiences with their Dad as a contrast to negative thoughts/memories that they may be having.
It's also important for your DP to remember that even when the DC's refuse, the reality of the contact is far more positive than the anticipation - hopefully, todays experience will give her the motivation to insist that her DC's do maintain contact.

If the DC's lose contact with their Dad now, they may never have a father figure in their life. Does she want their Dad to walk them down the aisle? For her grandchildren to have a grandfather? If so, she may need to use some "tough love" with her DD's now, alongside putting support in place to help them, rather than take the easy option.

My fear, given what you have said about her refusal to involve you in their lives, is that she sees no value in any male role models in their life. What is her own relationship with her Dad like?

[NotaDisneyMum]

She's also suffering from norovirus and throwing up everywhere so I could have picked a better time to do it

Um, yes - you could have!

Hope she feels better soon - Christmas is stressful for all families, more so for blended, and illness certainly doesn't help!
Wait til you have some time together without the pressures of every day life and explain how you feel to her about being excluded - without any expectation that she will change, but at least putting the issues on the table will give you both a starting point.

[stairdad]

Being the bad guy makes her sad but she frequently does it. This is a particular topic of trouble for her in that respect though. For instance DSD1 went out with her dad today after a huge screamning fit and all was well with the world when she got back.

[stairdad]

Yep, broached that topic with her during my posting interval this afternoon. Got my marching orders to begin with but it calmed down after that. Its going to be something I need to keep hammering away at.

She's also suffering from norovirus and throwing up everywhere so I could have picked a better time to do it but at east it's back on the table again. Can't think where DSD1 gets her determination from :)

[NotaDisneyMum]

As an aside to what I'm learning from this thread (thanks everyone) something my OH often says is that things would be easier if I also had my own children. I'd say that's a huge double edged sword.

I think it is perfectly possible to learn the skills required to be an effective parent without having your own biological children, so no, I don't think you need to have your own.

I think many decisions are a lot easier for someone at "arms length" to make. Does your DP want her DC's to like her - or is she prepared to make the tough decisions and be the bad guy? Parenting isn't a popularity contest!

It does seem that your DP intends to exclude you from her own parenting decisions - have you talked about it with her at all?

[stairdad]

As an aside to what I'm learning from this thread (thanks everyone) something my OH often says is that things would be easier if I also had my own children. I'd say that's a huge double edged sword.

[stairdad]

That is something my OH has mentioned; both kids are very expressive and articulate but it's the things they aren't saying that scare us most, whether it's things they're just not saying or feelings they themselves don't understand yet.

On the plus side they both seem really happy outside of DSD1's feelings around this issue.

[NotaDisneyMum]

But I dispute your assumption that it is always a problem of resident parents manipulating children into refusing to see the non-resident - it can come from the child

I agree, and didn't meant to give the impression otherwise - many DC's refuse to see a parent (or refuse go to school) because of their own emotional conflict and/or reasoning.

But, if one parent refuses to challenge the DC's rejection of the other parent - if a parent accepts and facilitates the rejection, telling them they don't have to if they don't want to, then imo, that is no different to a parent refusing to help a child get over their fear/rejection of school.

Society punishes parents who fail to see the value of their childs education, and yet generally turns a blind eye to those parents who fail to see the value of their DC's relationship with their other parent. If a DC becomes a school refuser, and a parent tells the DC that they don't have to go to school if they don't want to, that parent is held accountable. Why is it different when a DC refuses to spend time with a parent?

In my DSD case, her rejection of DP was actively facilitated by her Mum who allowed her to make that choice, but refused to allow her to opt out of other care arrangements. She didn't give DSD a choice when she had to spend the night at their grandmothers while Mum worked, and they had blazing arguments about it - but Mum would call in sick to work if DSD refused to see her Dad as arranged.

The OP's DP is similar -she has allowed her DD to opt out of that relationship, rather than give the impression that it is as non-negotiable as getting up, putting on her uniform and attending school every morning.

It bothers me immensely that socially, a DC's relationship with their parents is given less priority than their education.

[Pantomimedam]

OK Notadisney, I see we are actually thinking along the same lines. But I dispute your assumption that it is always a problem of resident parents manipulating children into refusing to see the non-resident - it can come from the child, esp. where the non-resident is entering into a new relationship or having more children. I can remember being really scared when my Dad remarried that he'd lose interest in us, that we would be less important to him, and when my half-sister was born even more so.

Both my other sister and I adored our baby sister from the off, btw, we were delighted to have her, but desperately worried about our place in the family. It really hurt when we saw a wedding invite on the mantelpiece from an old friend of my father's that said 'edam'sdadandfamily' and our stepmother said that didn't mean us. Or when we went to my Gran's and our photo had been taken down in favour of one of my Dad, stepmum and new baby. Adults can really hurt children without even being deliberately nasty.

[stairdad]

Thanks everyone. Its really useful to get views from outside the relationship, sometimes those involved are too involved to see the truth of things.

I'll post up how we get on when there is a change in (all of our) behaviours, or if there isn't.

Hope everyone has a cracking Christmas.

[ivykaty44]

sorry - just to add, this is how I see your Op and what you have described of her behaviour. I have had strong willed and attention seeking dd and what you wrote in your op struck home with me.

Now at twenty she has changed somewhat, but ignoring her and effectively calling her bluff (though it took many weeks) she eventually came round to know that the adults (who all meet without her) wouldn't do what she wanted

[ivykaty44]

your dsd is gaining so much attention from refusing to see her bio father.

Take away the attention

you may find in her teen years she is the sort of teen that has a drama and is naughty to gain valued attention as this type of dc teen doesn't care whether the attnetion is positive or negative - it is just attention and much needed by her.

better for all of you to make sure both dc get positive attnetion and ignore the negative - as you haven't ignored the negative your dsd has pushed her bio father further and further away to see what happens and how much attnetion she can get out of the situation

[NotaDisneyMum]

That's exactly my point - both school refusal and parental rejection are the result of a range of complex emotions ; which most DCs need help to deal with. Society has decided that attending school is important so a child's refusal results in professional intervention and consequences for the parents if they fail to engage with the support offered.

Why is it that a child's relationship with a parent is considered any less important? How come there is no social expectation/penalties if one parent encourages rejection of the other?

[Pantomimedam]

NotaDisney, I think you are applying the wrong analogy when you suggest not wanting to see a non-resident parent should be treated as severely as school refusal. This is about complicated human relationships and emotions - punishing a child for expressing their feelings about the break up of their parents' relationship in the only way they can is wrong and cruel. (Apart from anything else, school refusal isn't necessarily just about bad children either - it's usually to do with something deeper.)

Parents splitting up is clearly extremely disruptive for a child and, especially when a parent forms a new relationship, can cause real distress - however inevitable the split or new relationship is, however much it is, in the end, for the best. I don't mean to guilt trip anyone, but look at it from the child's point of view - they are the ones done to in this situation, who didn't choose it, didn't want it and have to live with the results. Punishing them for expressing their feelings about this is cruel, even if as adults we know the ending of a relationship is ultimately for the best.

I know damn well, and did realise at the time, I think, that my parents' divorce was for the best - as a child, at least it stopped all the hideous arguments. It was still extremely painful. Staying together for the sake of the children isn't necessarily a great idea, and I'm not suggesting anyone should, but as adults we have to acknowledge that children suffer the results of our decisions, even if we know those decisions are ultimately right.

If you were to ask a good psychologist, such as Tanya Byron, I bet they would say we do need to acknowledge children's pain, not treat them as bad or naughty for expressing that pain.

None of that means you just shrug your shoulders and accept refusal to see the other parent, of course. It means working through the problem with kindness and humanity.

[NotaDisneyMum]

you're not their real parent so you don't know what you're talking about

That is a clear indication from your partner that she does not welcome or need your input regarding her DCs.
Therefore, your options are limited.

You could detach, leave her to parent her DCs alone with no input at all, which may well lead to conflict if she currently expects/relies on you to support her with some practical aspects - do you drive the DCs places? Cook for them? Clear up after them? Detaching means you only do those things if you want to, not because it is expected. Emotionally, you will be better off if you no longer care about the welfare of your DSD's - it is emotionally draining to continually worry about something you have absolutely no influence over.

The alternative is to assess whether this is the type of relationship you actually want. Many people would struggle to accept your DPs lack of respect for you when she dismisses your opinion in that way. Does she respect you in relation to other aspects of your life together, or do you often defer to her because she knows best? Parenting her DCs is her responsibility , but you had an equal partnership then she would actively seek your views and opinions before making decisions. She is doing the exact opposite - dismissing you as irrelevant in that part of her life.

[stairdad]

Mercibucket - yep, the behaviour is the same with all things she wants/doesn't want; I'll look at that. If there's a special website etc I need please let me know. Thanks

[stairdad]

Smudging - sorry, I answered a bit of your question in my last post. The kids say they like her, and every now and then we'll be talking about whatever and they'll interrupt with "xxx says this about that" which is all very positive.

[stairdad]

NotaDisneyMum - sage words. She loves school (!) so is only off when she is genuinely ill. Is DP Dear Partner? If so then I agree that DP's views on this differ to mine in that I would do all I could to get DSD1 to go. We make sure that DSD2 comes back laden with fun stories of all the things she got up to with their dad.

Sadly I get the marching orders whenever I dig my heels in on this along with "you're not their real parent so you don't know what you're talking about" so I have some work to do myself there.

I think that their dad's OH has said a few disparaging things about my OH and their dad isn't beyond it - this being the case that would really turn the girls off their dad's OH.

What did you do if/when your DD refused to do the chores?

[mercibucket]

No experience of step-families, but lots of experience of strong willed children!
Part of this sounds like bad behaviour with an emotional effect but really just bad behaviour, and maybe you as a family would benefit from some ideas from a programme like triple p? They're really good. Eg you gave up on naughty step cos she wouldn't come off it, but that's fine, she can sit on it all day should she choose to, once the 'punishment' part is over.

[mercibucket]

No experience of step-families, but lots of experience of strong willed children!
Part of this sounds like bad behaviour with an emotional effect but really just bad behaviour, and maybe you as a family would benefit from some ideas from a programme like triple p? They're really good. Eg you gave up on naughty step cos she wouldn't come off it, but that's fine, she can sit on it all day should she choose to, once the 'punishment' part is over.