Stonewalling - how can a DC deal with it from a parent?

[NotaDisneyMum]

What advice can my DP give his DD (15) to help her deal with her Mums stonewalling?

DSD is trying to sort out her post-16 choices, and her Mum (who she lives with) refuses to discuss it with her, or with DP - she has told them that DSD is going to have to do as she is told - but hasn't told them what that is!

What communication tips/strategies might help when it is the parent who is stonewalling the child? I'm all out of suggestions - and can see DSD aspirations drifting away with the constant effort required

[pinguthepenguin]

Does her school have a nurture centre? Your DP could ask for a referral there.
Also, job centres offer careers advice?

[NotaDisneyMum]

pingu DSD has access to loads of careers advice; it's not that she needs. What she needs is for her Mum to show her enough respect to at least discuss the issue with her, even if she disagrees.

As far as the school are concerned, they won't engage in any direct contact with parents unless the parent initiates it; they have offered DSD limited emotional support and provided practical careers advice, but they can't/won't intervene on DSD behalf with her Mum, they have basically said that is DSD and DP's problem!

DSD Mum has admitted that her parenting style consists of yelling, nagging and bribing, and she blames DSD for that; DSD won't do as she is told, DSD doesn't appreciate how difficult her Mum's life is, DSD doesn't realise how much her Mum has sacrificed. That's not hearsay from DSD; DP's ex has told him this directly! It's her default position every time he tries to talk to her about anything to do with the DC's - "oh, woe is me, I'm a poor, struggling single mother" who had an affair and refused to end it when DP found out.

What child doesn't want their parents approval when making such a significant choice/decision? DSD Mums attitude is undermining her self-confidence, which is low anyway - if it wasn't, she would have rebelled long ago.

[pinguthepenguin]

It a real shame for DSD.
The reason I ask about nurture centre is because a parents permission is not required for a referral there. DSD could get the support she needs to stand up for her choices there.

[NotaDisneyMum]

No, nothing so forward thinking - there's not even an on-site school counsellor the DC's have to self-refer to a local charity-run service provided off-site, and DSD is not yet quite at the stage where she is ready to deceive her Mum by setting up something like that herself and not telling Mum about it - the retribution would be far worse that the current situation if Mum ever found out.

[exoticfruits]

Izzy has it right. She is emotionally abusive and so successful that DSD won't see it. I know you want an alternative but I can't see one because she is backed into a corner- do as mum says or defy her. It takes a very strong 16yr old to do the second.

[pinguthepenguin]

Disney, you've advised me yourself on plenty of occasions that when one parent is doing something you abhor, all you can do is counter the effects of it.
I've long since realised you were right- as much as it hurts to see it happening, if you can't change the behaviour, allyou can do is be there to be a buffer and equip her with skills to raise her self concept x

[exoticfruits]

Pingu really has the only option- it is very frustrating, but true.

[NotaDisneyMum]

I know. Detach detach detach!

Actually, there's been progress in the last couple of days - since DP tried to discuss it with his ex, and told her that regardless of her involvement he was going to continue to support DSD, she (DSD mum) has changed her approach.

She's now telling DSD that there's no point in discussing it with her because she'll do what she wants to do with her Dads support anyway, so she's washing her hands of it and told DSD not to go running to her when it all goes wrong!

DSD seems to be more comfortable with the idea of proving her mum wrong, so is now a lot more determined to make it work

I'm sure there will be bumps ahead - but at least it's a start.

[exoticfruits]

That sounds as good a result as you could hope for. She needs to make the plans quickly before she has a change of tack!