So my opinion was asked about contact.......

[theredhen]

He actually asked my opinion!

Then correspondence was sent to ex wife. Only when I looked at the correspondence, instead of the 50% of the next school holidays WE had decided on, he added on a day here and a day there and he has ended up asking for 70%!

He also then told me that oldest DSD (age 14) has told him that she is old enough to decide when she comes, so will come when she wants.

This actually means that she will not be allowed back to Mum's when others are with us (because her Mum needs a break, even though she doesn't work at all), but will be encouraged to come at other times also.

When I moved in, I thought I knew what I was getting into, but my goodness, how things have changed. He is supposed to be a part time Dad, but partly due to sheer number and partly due to ex wife refusing to do anything, we are having 1 or some of the children now everyday. Even when they are off sick, he runs round to the ex wifes house and picks up the sick child and brings them home to spend the day with him.

[CarGirl]

redhen, I'm sorry if you don't leave you will have 4 adult step kids still treating their dad and you the same way.

He doesn't want the situation to change. I think you need to move out and give your son the time he needs

[wendihouse22]

Good point Petal....if HE had four step kids descending ..... and his one and only child was having to get in line for attention/time with him (alone).

I'd leave. I think redhen will be in this very same place in years to come.

[Petal02]

I think he?s feigning ignorance of Redhen?s concerns, because this enables him to indulge the ex/stepkids, which (in his eyes) keeps the peace ??.. A lot of non resident fathers do this. For some reason, the needs of the ex/stepkids are deemed paramount, and in an ideal world the new partner won?t challenge the situation. I think it goes back to the fear of losing contact with the children if every whim isn?t catered for. Even the most reasonable man can be sucked into this one ? my husband is generally quite rational, but all sense goes out the window if there?s a risk of SS not getting it all his own way.

I totally understand the frustration of the ?they don?t need to be supervised/looked after? argument. No, they may not legally require a childminder, but when they?re not yours, it?s incredibly intrusive. Not to mention the mess, noise, taking over the TV etc. I bet Redhen?s DP would feel differently if four teenagers he wasn?t related to, decided to take root in his living room ??.. My DH?s favourite line used to be ?but SS isn?t doing any harm? ? well no, but he?s HERE. He didn?t get that, or at least chose not to. But as we?ve seen from Redhen?s earlier threads, her DP finds HER son intrusive, so the concept of ?other people?s children? shouldn?t be lost on him.

I don?t think he?ll change either, because the present situation suits him and his children.

[catsmother]

He really is in denial isn't he ? ( .... or alternatively, he's feigning ignorance of the things you point out so as not to rock the boat with ex/stepkids and/or because HE likes the current setup and doesn't want it to change).

His claim that running about for the stepkids doesn't affect you is laughable. There's an earlier post of yours where you point out that indulging one of the kids in his sport activity means you are left with all four others for up to 3 hours at a time, and I'm sure from everything else you've written that you are constantly caring for some number of children virtually all the time when he's driving here there and everywhere.

I guess he's falling back - again - on the theory that you can apparently leave them to their own devices as they don't need "official" looking after .... therefore, according to him it doesn't affect you. Never mind the extra mess, noise, lack of privacy/peace. I'm afraid I agree with Wendi, I just don't think he's ever going to change because this is what HE wants to do.

[theredhen]

Thanks to both of you.

We had another argument tonight and he honestly believes that he has no choice but to run around after his kids. I told him that DS has missed out on things in life because my ex has been lazy and unhelpful and it's taught him a valuable lesson - you can't always have everything you want. DS also knows who will do things for him and who won't but that doesn't mean I have to do EVERYTHING he wants.

I told him I don't want to listen to his moaning about his ex when he has a CHOICE whether to pick up her slack. He sulked and said I was very unsupportive and that he does a lot for DS and his running around for his kids doesn't affect me.

No wonder they say more second marriages fail than first ones.

[wendihouse22]

redhen.....sorry. Don't mean to sound so harsh but there comes a point surely when you have tried to get through to a person and nothing changes, despite your best efforts.

He does sound like a good man but, I doubt he'll change. It's whether you can live with it.

My best to you.

[theredhen]

Wendi,

Point taken. Redhen skulks off with her tail between her legs.

I understand your frustration, you and everyone else who has posted on any of my threads has changed me from thinking that I was completely in the wrong to actually knowing that I am not being unreasonable.

[wendihouse22]

redhen....I think you are wasting your time with this man. He sees his parenting role very differently than you (and most reasonable parents) would. His kids are being turned into young people who will in future expect all and sundry to bend to their every whim. What a pain in the arse they will be.... to future partners, employers, friends and their own kids.

Do YOU want this forever? Not just for you, for your son? I wouldn't.

You must make a decision hen, sooner rather than later. Stay with this man who WILL NOT BUDGE, accept how he is and stop going on about it or move on.

Sorry to be harsh but, this and other threads you've posted have gone on and on and on.....

My very best wishes to you and your son. x

[theredhen]

His attitude? That everything is fine and wonderful and he likes to be busy. He says he acheives so much more when he is busy and thinks he is setting a good example as opposed to his "lazy" ex.

Personally, I think by not only driving them here there and everywhere, paying for their every whim, and following them around the house and picking up after them (but not my son) he is teaching them to be disrespectful, unappreciative, lazy, take him (and by default, me) for granted and he is encouraging their very strong "sense of entitlement".

I am really quite astounded at how different it is now I live with him than before. It was easy to support him in his parenting and decision making when it had no direct effect upon me or my son.

[wendihouse22]

red.....please knock some sense into this guy, before he has a heart attack!!!!!!

[theredhen]

I've just counted up the miles and it's 150 miles this weekend just for the kids. Yikes! Their Mum's home is 5 miles away from us.

It is not unreasonable that ex wife picks youngest up on a Friday from school, elder ones get the bus back to hers and DP picks them all up when DSD finishes her evening job at tea time. Instead DP spends hours (when he is supposed to be working) doing school runs etc because he wants to see his kids / doesn't want to argue / antagonise ex wife. Complete madness, especially when he is doing ex wife a "favour" by doing running about during our non contact time anyway.

I do feel a bit sorry for DP because he is chasing his tail constantly and has convinced himself / me that this is all necessary. But it isn't. It's like me not allowing my ex to pick my son up from school, me doing the running around and then expecting DP to cook our dinner.

He does have a choice, but he is so terrified of losing his kids, he is nearly killing himself.

Where is the joy in all this? Where is the fun? Where is the "family" time?

If we're lucky it's a few snatched hours in a weekend.

[Beasknees]

The kids are old enough to start pulling theri weight. Show them how to use the washing machine - if they don't they can take their dirty laundry home to their mum's.

I confess that i don't know your story and when i started reading this i felt 'well at least they've got a dad who wants to see them' but .... I've changed my view.

You all need to do something about the constant journeys - it's a waste of time and money - can some be combined better? - could you just take all the children on all the trips to make them realise how dumb it is? I think you and DP need to have a 'grown up chat' with them about how things are going to work if they are here 50% of the time and how they need to play their part too in making things work.

It also sounds like you need to not feel guilty about prioritisng your son and deciding to do something with him even if it means there is no chauffeur for the other DSC's.

Good luck whatever happens

[theredhen]

MJ,

That's it. I'm going to go out early with DS on Sunday morning. I'm only ever going to do 1 load of washing a day from now on and he can prepare dinner in the afternoon if I'm still out.



Feeling better already.

[theredhen]

MJ,

Re: DBD. I know that you are right, but I can't bring myself to welcome her with open arms on the few precious days I get with DS. I know it's not her fault but I also know that she wouldn't be allowed to go back to her Mum's when the others are here. It's my inability to cope with this all the time that means I don't want her here.

Hmmmm... good idea about Saturday night. Trouble is DS always so keen to stay with DSC, I'm not sure I could persuade him to go anywhere else!

Abip,

Yes, lots of people have suggested not living together and I agree it is probably the way to go, I was certainly v happy with the relationship then. Not convinced DP would still want to be with me if I move out, but to be honest, if that's the case, then so be it. He can go find another Maria!

My house has got tenants in it at the moment and I can't get it back for a while, so I have to sit tight, if that's what I decide to do.

Been listening to DP moaning about ex wife not pulling her weight or paying for things over the last few days, but then he just gets his wallet out and gets in the car and drives miles and miles. There is no standing up to her or the children and I am fed up listening to it and thinking and getting angry and upset because I am realising that HE is the one allowing her to do this and therefore HE is the one, my anger should be directed at.

Seen DP for 10 mins over dinner tonight and will see him for 30 mins before bed. Will see him for 30 mins in the morning and then 2 hours tomorrow afternoon and I am tired and never get to rest, doing things like preparing dinner at 7am tomorrow morning because I am going out to lunch with a friend tomorrow. I will also have 3 loads of washing tomorrow. DP will hardly be in, so he can't help. Ex wife won't help and neither will extended family.

When I told DP how tired I am, he just suggests I work too hard, when in reality the only "rest" I get is at work.

Being a single parent was a breeze, with hindsight!

[thinkingkindly]

Oh yes MJ, good plan.

[Abip]

I don't know if anyone has suggested this, and apologise as I have not reas all the posts. But what if you and ds moved out and you continued your relationship?

It may not be forever, and at least you would have your own home, space, and time with ds. And then you and dp could date and actually enjoy each other again.

Once the kids are older and probably don't want to go to dads so often then you could think about co-habiting again.

Just a thought as someone else suggested this to me.

[NotActuallyAMum]

Also meant to say, it's no wonder he wanted you to move in with him - he's got an unpaid live-in housekeeper/child minder!

[NotActuallyAMum]

What colditz said

He needs a slave, not a life partner!

I can't help thinking that if you give up work he'll expect you to have his children even more...

[Petal02]

I take your point Redhen, that the main bugbears are the fragmented days due to all the pick-ups, and the lack of peace and time to yourself. I think there are simply too many children in the equation for it to be any different.

I honestly think you need decide if you can live like this, or if you'd prefer not to. I just can't see it changing for you.

[theredhen]

Wendi,

That is exactly it. DS is fine to leave alone for short periods - really sensible. DSC are another matter however....

Late,

We already have a cleaner. I think it is more the never getting more than the odd half hour here and half hour there at weekends to do anything because there is always another pick up / take to go and do. Also, never getting near the tv or a computer and never getting a minutes peace. Those are the hardest parts.

[lateatwork]

hi... if he is a high earner and the day to day drudgery of cooking / cleaning/ ferrying about is getting to you (as it would to most!!) why not get a cleaner/homehelp/nanny person who can do all that (or some of it...)? If he could support you giving up work, then he could afford to pay someone to do that work and be no differently off financially. You would also get to keep your job which I think is essential to maintain independance.