What would you do about this lady?

[aLegonEachCorner]

Here's the situation.

My DH was married previously. He has kids from his previous marriage. I came along 4 yrs after his divorce. He has good contact with his kids and the eldest is due to graduate this year. It is a special occasion, obviously.

His exW had an affair which devastated him as she refused to give up her lover. The affair had lasted some 3 years. They are no longer together and his ex would have returned to my DH following the split from her lover, given the chance. I had come along by then. We are now married and very happy and I get on ok with his kids.

However, his exW will NOT attend her daughter's graduation if we do. She says (via the kids) that she doesn't want things to be awkward for her daughter but I think it's more about her not feeling awkward/embarrassed.

I very very much like my SD. She is a pleasure and I would love to go to the graduation celebration though I have said I shan't if it would be a problem for her or her mum. It seems that the ExW is still not happy with this.....she wants neither me NOR HER EX-HUSBAND to attend. Or she won't go. God knows what'll happen when the SD gets married.....it's ludicrous.

I see this woman frequently. I had thought, some time ago to say hello. I know who she is, she knows who I am etc, we're all adults! But I was warned not to. The ExW is behaving like the "wronged woman". She had the affair; she ended the marriage; she is still on her own as the chap she was seeing went back to his wife. Her ExH has now moved on and is happy AND SHE DIDN'T WANT HIM ANYWAY!!

What's going on? What would you suggest. I KNOW SD wants her mum at the graduation. I know I would.

[poolet]

aLegonEachCorner - sorry if you thought I was criticising, I wasn't having a go, honest.

I can see it's just not your problem and OW is creating problems and making it all about her.

That's so unfair on everybody else.

When couples separate, the only civilised way to behave is to continue putting their children first and their own ill-feelings to one side. She needs to grow up and realise that this is her daughter's special day and hopefully, one of many that her parents and extended family will be involved in.

Despite not being able to talk to each other (at the time - things have improved slightly since), ex-h and I behaved impeccably at DD's wedding

[ladydeedy]

totally agree. Adults should behave as adults and be civil. It is now about them. The important thing is that the child (even if grown up!) should not have to feel anxious - we should all be able to attend important occasions. If one parent decides to use it to start emotional blackmail then they can take a hike. it is their choice. If they want to not go... it's their choice and the guilt/blame should not be placed on the child.

[Ceic]

I agree with ladydeedy (and everyone else saying something similar).

Graduation Days have a lot things organised around them - photos, champagne receptions, faculty receptions, graduation specials at local cafes and restaurants.

For the actual ceremony, some universities don't allocate seats - the tickets are unreserved. Your SD may want to check this but you and your DH can probably sit on the opposite side of the auditorium to his ExW.

Your SD may be able to plan a day where she spends a decent time with both her parents (and you) but her mother doesn't have to spend the whole day with you and your DH. If her mother still chooses not to come, that is her problem.

HTH

[SparkleSoiree]

If you have been invited and want to go then go. If your SD's mum has been invited and she is having a strop then that is an issue she will have to work through on her own if she wants to see her daughter graduate.

Her issue, her problem. Not yours.

[aLegonEachCorner]

Ceic you know a lot about what happens on the day.....it's not just the hall and the "up to the podium" for the award then?

Is it possible that we could all go and just not bump into each other? That's the thing....this pair (ExW and my (now) DH cannot bring themselves to look at, never mind speak to each other.

[aurorastargazer]

that's sad that she can't put their differences aside for one day for their daughter's sake.

i have been with dbf for about 5 and 1/2 months now and luckily him and his exw are civil to each other (same thing, she had affair before, during and after the marriage) and she has made the effort to get on with me - even to buying me a bottle fo wine to say thankyou for looking after her son when dbf and she had to work - there was no need because i would have done it anyway.

i would definitely agree that it is the exw problem - i hope that she can see how unhappy this is making your dsd.

[stealthsquiggle]

Poor girl.

What does she want to do about it (apart from hide under the duvet and stuff parents and graduation and all the rest, which is what I would probably have done)?

"ExW and my (now) DH cannot bring themselves to look at, never mind speak to each other" - does this imply that DH is likely to be as awkward about this as his ExW?

Blimey - even the most acrimonious divorced parents I know will swallow their mutual hatred for a few hours for key life events for their DC.

[EmmaBGoode]

Although I believe she is BU, I do feel that you need to be the big guy and not go. For your DSD's sake.

[aurorastargazer]

but emma, her dsd has requested (i believe) that she goes

[EmmaBGoode]

But you generally only get two tickets. I think the DH should tell the ExW that he is definitely going and see what she says. If she decided not to go (what a bitch, by the way), then the OP should go in her place.

[Ceic]

(Sorry for the delay in replying.)

aLegonEachCorner - yes, there is more to the podium bit and, yes, it should be possible for your DH and his ExW to avoid each other.

I expect your DSD got a fat envelope with details of various official functions, gown hire and forms for tickets. Can she tell you more about what her university arranges?

Usually, a university offers 2 tickets per student. Not everyone takes their allocation though. Spare ones are given to people who asked for extras. (I got a third ticket for my graduation.) All unallocated.

If your DSD is still hoping you'll attend, I hope she can come up with a plan for how she wants her day to be. Perhaps lunch with one parent and dinner with the other?

[aLegonEachCorner]

emmaBgood....Yes, DH has said he is definitely going - no question. IF there's only 2 tickets to be had, then obviously, I would absolutely EXPECT that to be her Mum's ticket BUT.....MUM DOESN'T WANT TO GO IF DH ATTENDS SO.....WASTE OF A BLOODY TICKET ANYWAY.

Shambles.

Ceic.....yes, it's really up to SD what she wants to do but, provided there's enough tickets, we could do the lunch/dinner thing. She's home this weekend, so will ask her more about it.

StealthSquiggle..... my DH is quite Ok about talking to exW but she just screeches abuse and puts the phone down. He can't get a word in edgeways.

[PeppermintJunkie]

Quite frankly, if it were my son/daughter graduating I wouldn't give my ex-husband or his wife a passing thought, my child would be the first thing on my mind and the pride I would feel to know they are mine!

She's bonkers clearly and wants someone to feel sorry for her or more probably, for you to feel guilty and not attend.

If you've been invited, then GO! It's her loss if she prefers to stay away (although still can't understand why she would) and shame on her for not being able to be an adult in all this and put any disagreements aside for her child!

[aLegonEachCorner]

I have never met this woman. And she IS my husband's ex and mother of his children so, don't want to pass an opinion that's too offensive. Irrational springs to mind, perhaps she ought to change her perspective on the subject.

I don't care how she feels. I think she is ridiculous. I think she has forgotten how she and her children and her exH came to be in this awkward position in the first place.

Thanks everyone. I sought an "independent" opinion and find that it is pretty much in line with my own so, my "question" has been answered.

Over and out!!