How to broach non-verbal when out with public

[Popcornlassie28]

Hi everyone!

I’m still on the early stages of the journey with my three year old. She is considered non-verbal and shows preference for signing.

My query is every dog and his man has to chime in with something when we are out in public. There is either an expectation for her to talk and when she doesn’t I get a ‘Not feeling it today?’ and shamefully on some occasions I have said ‘She’s just woken up’ to get out of the conversation topic and quickly. I don’t know how to broach it.

When I have said she’s non verbal before (such as when on a dog walk and she’s in her pushchair) someone asked her to name our dogs. I explained she couldn’t and I was met with awkwardness and she walked off. Then I feel awkward.

OR I’m met with ‘Oh speech will come, you need to try harder. No such thing as a bad student, only poor teaching’🥺

I get a host of responses and it makes me feel like a shitty parent tbh.

We are going through the process of whether she is Autistic or if there is something neurological going on causing her to have no speech (just for info- we aren’t sure right now)

Would you just say she is non verbal and walk on as I’m not ashamed of her disability, it’s how I’m met with opinions and judgment when I say.

Any support?

[Headfirstintothewild]

I would say something like “X has additional needs and is non-verbal” then move swiftly on (either physically or swiftly change the subject if you can’t or don’t want to physically move on).

[TomeTome]

Can she respond at all? Ds (now grown) was unable to talk like his peers as a toddler. I think randoms are an excellent way of practicing because it doesn’t really matter what happens.

[QuickFetchTheCoffee]

I used to get this with DD. She isn't always NV but always was with strangers. I used to just shrug it off (didn't know she was autistic until later), and told them she's very shy/scared of strangers.
Sometimes I got snippy and just said "she won't talk to you, best just let her be". Or "just STFU and get lost, she isn't going to talk to you"... probably not the best example really but I can get really angry where my kids are concerned.
TBH though I'd say develop thicker skin (sorry, I know it's not that easy) and try to brush off the idiots, because even with my other kids there were times they didn't want to speak to people.

[PinguLovesPippa]

Could you say what she does do rather than what she doesn’t do? So say that she uses Makaton/sign language rather than that she is non-verbal? It may mean people give her a wave or attempt other means of non-verbal communication with her. Some people may think she is deaf, but who cares, it may get others off your back and stops people assuming that everyone is the same as them.

[Popcornlassie28]

Thanks for all your replies! We have started learning BSL as she prefers to sign but still in the early stages of it.

I will take your comments on board and try to develop a thick skin. 🙈

[1995SENNDMUM]

My son's the same age and non speaking, doesn't sign or use any AAC as such yet and has just gone on the autism pathway. I only say he doesn't speak and then smile and nod, any inappropriate comments get a nod with frown and i walk away.

Get the occasional oh I m sure he will speak one day from people on the bus but there are people who can be accepting with no questions out there.

[Jigglypuff87]

We've had this for years with ds 14. I'm far less tolerant these days to be honest. I don't wish to explain everytime we leave the house why he is using an ipad to communicate. Often we get why can't he talk to me instead when he says anything to them via his device, often they totally ignore whatever he has said and ask me. Its rude and I treat it as such. I used to just say he's non verbal but now ds is more aware and can communicate via an alternative method (with support) i have less tolerance. It gets on ds's nerves as much as mine. I have no problem with people asking what the device is but touching it, ignoring him or telling him to talk instead, brings out my inner mother bear!

It's fab she is signing! Ignore the unsolicited advice and follow her lead.

[carriebradshawwithlessshoes]

I feel your pain and have thought about starting this thread myself!! I just answer for him and divert. I don’t offer any explanation. So typical…

shop worker (to him): hello! Have you been to school today?

DS looks at her and smiles.

me: yeah he has. I think he’s ready for the weekend! Busy in here today, have you had a busy day??

shop worker: (immediately forgetting DS) launches into response to me…

I’ve never had the ‘why isn’t he answering??’. Generally it’s just small talk and they are more than happy to then divert to me about something else.

[carriebradshawwithlessshoes]

@Jigglypuff87 that’s great that he took to the iPad! When was that, how did you get him started? DS totally not interested…

[Jigglypuff87]

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes

@Jigglypuff87 that’s great that he took to the iPad! When was that, how did you get him started? DS totally not interested…

He showed no interest whatsover till he was 8. We modelled and then modelled some more, he mostly ignored us for a good year. Eventually we bought another ipad purely for modelling and he would copy us on his device. It's taken a long time but he can now use it to functionally communicate his wants and needs. It's such an individual thing, so many different programs that work in very different ways. He's doing really well but his software is far from ideal!

[PinguLovesPippa]

And the best response always comes to you afterwards and never at the time. DS is now verbal but has never been able to walk or cycle as far as you might expect for a child his age, so we don’t expect him to and people comment that he’s taking the easy way out, is too big for that or even that he hasn’t been parented very well. It makes my blood boil but I never think of a retort that is both supportive of DS yet points out just how insensitive or rude the commenter has been.

[PopandFizz]

You need to get out the habit of explaining your daughters medical needs and vulnerability to strangers.

Someone says hi to her, just say hi back. Doesn't need to be a whole thing.

If someone makes a comment about her not talking or whatever just reply 'she's disabled' and leave it at that.