5.5yo struggling in group situations (not UK)

[BertieBotts]

Just sort of documenting seeing if anyone has any input for me.

We are living in Germany. DS age 5.5 is at "Kita" which is basically nursery/daycare (not school) - they all go there from about age 2-6. No diagnosis yet but he is in speech therapy to help with a lisp and not understanding/responding appropriately to sentence prompts (from developmental check up). So far, speech therapy has only focused on the "sh" sound.

We moved him from his previous Kita to this new one in November mainly because the old one was very big and busy and seemed to be stressing him out, the staff turnover was atrocious, he would make a bond/relationship with someone and then they would leave, he did not respond to the other staff members at all. He is very private. Bottles everything up and won't talk to you.

Anyway we noticed an immediate and sustained shift/improvement in his stress levels - we went from at least 1-2 meltdowns every day to a couple a week. This was a huge relief and I felt we had made the right choice.

However, they asked to speak to me this morning. I took DH even though he doesn't really speak German just because I am determined not to do all of this alone if I can help it.

They said he's in conflict with other children at least 3x per day. Hitting, throwing things, even spitting (once).
He picks on his little brother. Much worse than he does at home (I think they have a good relationship at home).
Dangerous behaviour e.g. piling up heavy things and pushing them over.
Doesn't engage with staff/doesn't want to talk to them. He speaks German fine and will engage if you spend time 1:1 with him, though he can be a little slow to warm up.
Difficult to communicate with him in general, as he will simply refuse to speak if he doesn't want to. When he does speak, often it's unclear whether he's recounting something that actually happened, a "wishful thinking" version, or something that has got mixed up in his head.
He seems stressed e.g. tense a lot of the time.

I was able to share that I also notice that when he is stressed he's very tense/holds his body in tension. Struggles with emotional regulation/impulse control.

It's worse if he's hungry or needs to use the toilet. He is often quite resistant to having it suggested that he needs the toilet. They did suggest that some children don't like using the bathroom when other children are in there, so they will let him know when it's empty if he prefers to use it then.

They want to build some positive experiences at Kita, so asked what he likes to do. Apparently he doesn't play lego/trains there, which is what he does most at home. When he first started, he liked to go into their "quiet room" with hama beads and a Tonie box. I mentioned this and they went "Ah!" in recognition - maybe they will encourage him to use that space if he seems stressed?

Because we moved Kita just before his 2yo developmental check the doctor said give it six months and then come back if the behavioural issues are still there, then we'd refer for autism/ADHD assessment. I am hoping for OT as well, but I don't know if we need the assessment first. Anyway I will phone his doctor.

Anything we could do immediately/while waiting for other input? I thought about suggesting shorter days at Kita, and building up to longer days. I could do that currently as I am not working, but unsure whether to suggest this or whether that would be a bad idea somehow.

[TheSquareMile]

I hope that other posters will be able to offer wise counsel on this one, @BertieBotts.

[BertieBotts]

Thanks for the bump :)

I now have an appointment for assessment (not until November though) and an appointment to speak to his normal doctor in April, am hoping we can get referred to OT a bit sooner - just depends when they have space, I think.