What did autism / aspergers look like in your 3 year old?

[myboyandmee]

Ive been thinking for a while that my son might have ASD but not really sure so wondering if people could share what their ASD children were like at just turned 3 years old?

my son isn’t the best at eye contact (but can give it for a second or so before looking away), doesn’t really play with other children and will often make a point of playing somewhere else if children want to play with him, isn’t talking much and what he does say is quite monotone, and he also hand flaps near his face quite a lot.

he doesn’t go to nursery or anything yet but thinking of sending him to a preschool or nursery soon, but worried about him settling in.

Oh and he also copies a lot of what you say. So if you ask him ‘do you want to play in the garden?’ he’ll say ‘ play in garden ‘ rather than yes

Evening

sounds like echolalia - it’s a very common ASD trait.

did you see the HV at the two year check?

Yes and she said she had some concerns but that it was probably too early to tell and he may grow out of it. He has got better in some areas but I can still notice a difference between him and other kids his age

i think if he has ASD then it will be very high functioning ASD and he may not even need a label but I just find myself worrying about him all the time

It’s really really common to mentally reject the “label” - I know I did. DD3 never seemed to fit what I always saw her social media - she doesn’t line up toys or spin wheels or flick her fingers near her face, she doesn’t spin, eats well and has brilliant eye contact etc etc. but to not give her the label doesn’t do her justice for who she is - she is autistic and that’s ok. The label helps me get her the support that she needs - for her communication issues, for her noise sensitivity, and to help her form social relationships which are important.
the first time it was every suggested to me that she might have ASD I bawled my eyes out and spent ages trying to play it down but it the long run that’s not helpful to you or your child. X

My suggestion would be to focus on what support he needs. The 'label' does not change much if there is no support being offered. Children do grow out of things. My niece had no joint attention and was not talking at 3. With support in place (one on one therapy), at 7 she is like any other child. Probably just talks more than most children now.

You 'label' a parcel, not a person! Would you say that someone who has diabetes has a 'label'? A diagnosis of a condition can be beneficial in so many ways. It acts as a signpost to people working with the DC - and it can also help the DC themselves understand why they find some things challenging. There are recognised strategies and support that can be put in place at school and at home.

However, any support a DC needs at school/nursery is needs based rather than diagnosis-based - or should be anyway.

It can be very difficult to come to terms with the fact that a DC has additional needs. My DH cried when our DC was diagnosed with autism (even though it had been pretty clear for years). I think you can hold on to that small crumb of hope for as long as you can.

The thing about DC who have autism is that just like all other children, they do progress and change throughout their lives. It's just that it can take them longer to reach certain milestones. For example, my DS didn't talk until he was almost 4. However, even now although he has a reading age and vocabulary four years ahead of his chronological age, he uses spoken language in quite an 'usual' way and always will.

If/when your DS starts nursery, they should work with you to address any concerns you may have.
If you're worried about him settling in, I would look to start him sooner rather than later. It will be better for him to start socialising with his peers now before he starts school.

It's completely understandable and normal to worry about him. I would also warn you that where we live, there's a 3 year wait for an autism assessment and around a year for a SALT referral so you need to get the ball rolling as soon as possible. As others have said early intervention is so important.

My Ds is 14 now and I used to wake up in the night terrified about his future (I still do but that's another story!). He's thriving in his school now because he's got great support in place. He also knows what his triggers are and is starting to learn how to manage them. He knows about his diagnosis and that has been really important for his self-esteem.

My son at 3 never interacted with us, never involved us in his play, started becoming very suddenly over night limited with his food choices, gave okay eye contact, didn’t respond to his name, understood next to no instructions, was obsessed and I mean OBSESSED with the alphabet, numbers, planets etc. never played with any other children, wouldn’t walk anywhere he had to always be in a stroller, hand led us to whatever he wanted I always said it was like we were just seen as tools to him.

This sounds very much like my boy! Has your DS been diagnosed?

Naughty is a label, autism is a diagnosis.

That sounds very much like ASD OP. Mine wasn't diagnosed until almost secondary school age when it tends to become clearer.

If there is a preschool/nursery that is quite small and quiet and that you can do some visits with him before he starts then that is likely to really help him. Or if he can get to know some of the children before he starts - perhaps at a toddler group. Taking a toy or something from home that he loves might help too. I would definitely start looking around for somewhere that might work for him.

He hasn’t had an official diagnosis just yet but he’s on the pathway! He is now 5 and his autism is very, very obvious.

Sorry for using the word label I didn’t mean to offend anyone it’s just what I’ve heard being used.

i think what I meant to say was if he’s high functioning, is there any point to him being diagnosed? How will life be better for him with a diagnosis? @Toomanyminifigs has mentioned a few ways life will be easier for him but he’s just fine without a diagnosis at the moment. I just don’t know how or what things will be like in the future. Plus it’s just such a long and stressful process. Obviously I’ll do it if it benefits him but right now I don’t see a benefit. He’s such a happy little boy.

@L00k4m3x did your DS’s ASD become more obvious as he got older? My DS is seeming to have less ASD traits as he gets older but don’t know if he’s likely to regress (I think that’s common in ASD)

@myboyandmee It varies! For instance last year he appeared almost neurotypical if I'm honest! His speech came on leaps and bounds, we stopped needing to use his stroller for days out, he did amazingly at school when he started in September etc.

Now however it’s the opposite, he appears more autistic than ever in the last 2-3 months, speech has regressed, stopped wanting to leave the house, stopped doing loads of things he enjoys. It’s hard to see, I think he’s suffering from autistic burnout. I’ve learnt that it’s ups and downs constantly, you never know what’s around the corner.

I will also say I didn’t accept he had autism until he was probably 3.5/4. Before then I still had hope it was maybe a severe speech delay. Now he has a younger brother who appears very neurotypical it’s only because of him and seeing how he is that I realise just how many signs were there in the beginning with my eldest (never pointed, obsessed with the tv, never showed us any toys or wanted us to play with him, used to just walk and walk and wouldn’t look to see where we were).

To get a diagnosis of autism, the differences/deficits in social communication have to affect day to day functioning. Which is to say, you don't get a diagnosis if you don't need supports that neurotypical children don't require. One reason why Aspergers has been dropped and labels like "high functioning" are being used less is because they hide the fact that autistic people with strong language skills, and who can follow social communication to an extent, have very real support needs. (Adults being diagnosed late may not have got that support and may have come up with strategies to help them manage life, but that's not the same thing as not needing it.)

I do think you have reasons to consider that your son may be autistic. I would certainly be pushing the GP or HV for a speech and language referral. I would also get him into nursery as soon as possible. It's not uncommon that a child seems to be coping and happy at home, because home is a space that accommodates their needs and they don't have to deal with the unpredictability of other children and the outside world. You don't want to be discovering that he struggles in environments with other children in the first week of school.

At that age, DS was obsessed with the alphabet, reading and words. He loved to play with his letters and line them up in order and they seemed to have a calming effect on him. If we went anywhere and he spotted something with text, we would have to stop and read it.
He fell over a lot, was unsteady on his feet at times and used to pace around the room frequently. He drooled constantly and preferred tiptoe-walking to the ordinary kind.
His speech was good ie other adults could easily understand him. He was a loving child but could be very challenging - lots of biting, kicking and hitting. He never called me ‘mama’ except to describe that he was eg kicking me.
He also loved animals, music and all things Julia Donaldson, to the point of me wondering if I would ‘lose him’ to the world of children’s books.
I started him in a nursery shortly after he turned 3 and I think in hindsight I think it was the wrong environment for him. If I was making the decision now, I would keep him home for longer (or use a childminder). I had to pull him out in the end because he wasn’t toilet-trained and they weren’t happy about it (they changed other kids, but my DS was apparently too heavy for them).
DS used to have all sorts of rituals that we would have to take part in eg there was one for leaving the house. If you didn’t engage with it/get it right, all hell would break loose. I can’t remember exactly what age he was when he started to get into character as an animal - he may have been slightly older - but he would wake up and make little animal noises and then he would ‘be’ that animal eg a fox all day. I remember that bit fondly - he was happy when he was in character.

@myboyandmee - it’s totally normal to worry about this kind of thing. I remember the feeling well. I think trusting our instincts is important:- if something feels a bit ‘off’ with our kids, then that may well be the case (regardless of whether or not it is autism). (‘Off’ is probably not the best term, but I couldn’t think of a better one!)

My boy is doing pretty well now, if that helps at all.

For us nursery was really helpful.. . During lockdown I'd convinced myself ds just had a speech delay it was so obvious once he was with his peers and his development was tracked there were so many other differences. At home we had completely adapted to him which was good he was so happy but nursery was definitely helpful for his development and understanding and getting support needs addressed before school.

It was completely my ignorance about what autism looks like... now I'm so glad he has a diagnosis and the right support in school other kids have really struggled...

Same. It was only after we had some play dates that I could see for myself the differences.

My ASD boy was my first and only child so I didn’t know for a while that he was different to the norm.

But we got him on the NHS waiting list at 3 after nursery pointed out these key differences:

Extremely narrow and repetitive play needs.
Often involving just one object - a pen, a stick - that wasn’t a toy. Ignoring toys even when offered them and encouraged to play with them. (By 4 he had ‘made friends’ with one toy in the nursery and would only play with that one toy.)

Very advanced verbally but a lot of repetitive language. Usually reeling off whole chunks of the one movie he was watching repeatedly at home (we watched a CBeebies panto daily for 364 days and when it went off we had to email BBC to ask them to put it back on iplayer, and they did!)

Interaction with letters/words first v slow and later v unusual for a child so verbally advanced. (Later taught to read and write by me via his special interest. The first words he spelled with his magnet letters were Luke, Anakin, Leia, Yoda and Obi wan Kenobi.)

Very behind with toilet training - no impulse for when to go like others in nursery, though mine is also diagnosed with dyspraxia. Would be put on the potty regularly by nursery staff, then would come home and head into the coat cupboard and do his poo there.

He’s 10 now. And I really want you to know that he’s proof ASD kids can and often do make amazing progress. The ASD felt really scary when he was 3 but now he’s happy with who he is and doing great.

Working beyond age expected in all subjects apart from art and PE. Getting 90-99% on mock Sats tests. Has a few really close friends (also with SEN) and has just managed a whole weekend away with the Woodcraft Folk. He’s a delightful little oddball and he’s teaching me maths and grammar now.

We had the letter obsession too! At 4 I think. We had some foam letters for the bath. My son was very attached to the yellow letter W and would sleep with it.

A diagnosis gives you and your child:

A support plan at primary school. Access to small groups for what is needeed, so reading, PE, nurture group, Happy Humans.

A thing to fall back on if they are struggling socially. If they are at risk or being excluded from a school, an activity or an extra curricular you can go in spouting the 2010 Equality Act and ask to review what reasonable adjustments have been tried - it balances the responsibilities between you and the school, you’re not ‘just’ the parent of a child who cannot integrate. You have legally-backed support needs.

Signposting by NHS to support groups and charities. Always extremely helpful and welcoming in my experience.

Second the early start on diagnosis. We referred at 3 and waited 4 years.

But because son was on the pathway to diagnosis school implemented his SEN plan, provision and reasonable adjustments immediately from reception.