Intense separation anxiety?

[Fivebyfive2]

I'm based in the UK and my 4 year old son is awaiting assessment for autism but his Paediatrician, nursery workers and HV all strongly suspect he is autistic or ND in some way.

One of the main struggles we have is intense separation anxiety. Especially at nursery drop off. He has been going to nursery since he was 18 months old. We swapped him to a more suitable nursery just before he turned 3 and although he has been doing well, we are all concerned about how bad the drop offs are and how difficult he finds it to settle down. 

He was doing much better last year but since January it's gotten steadily worse again.

Things we do -

Talk about nursery and me going to work in a positive way.

Have a solid morning routine, gradual transitions/one step at a time kind of thing.

He takes a comfort item in with him.

The nursery try to have the same person meeting us at the gate. We time it so we're not waiting ages to go in (whenever possible) His key worker takes him to the book corner where he feels most comfortable and they read the same book to help him calm down.

I've also taken to asking his favourite things at nursery (he always says the same 2 things but I ask anyway) and make a thing of saying at the door he'd like to do these things and they always say oh yes we'll do those things etc. 

If I ask why he's so worried he just says he wants to be with me. I'm so worried I've done/am doing something wrong to make him not feel secure enough? 

He's ok once he settles in, they know his "ways" and are really good at supporting him. They have great relationships with the local school he'll be going to and all information will be passed on - we are working on getting an ehcp in place but to be honest the thought of having to drop him at school 5 days a week from September makes my chest feel tight. 

Has anyone else had issues with long term separation anxiety? 

[zoeybrooks45]

i just wanted to say you have described exactly the same scenario I am going through with DC who has been attended the same setting since a toddler. I think as you’ve mentioned before when they know your child, routine, familiarity with faces/settings it can make drop off a smooth transition. My DC is 3 so have not yet made the transition to school. But I know once we get there it will be a difficult period as it can anywhere to 2/3 months to become more settled during drop off. One of things that can prepare is speaking with school sendco and having a meeting before starting. Nursery currently attending do a handover of any plans. I can see you have applied for an ECHP but you have not stated which stage you currently at.

[IanCurtisdancing]

You have my child!

She has been at the sae nursery now for 2.5 years! Most days at the door were wailers - she IS getting better. Work with the nursery - DD now has an IEP where I call ahead and her keyworker comes to the door to greet her, they now have a little routine where they sit and read a book with her etc, Are nursery also applying for inclusion funding? We included in ours staff time for settling her in one to one etc.

[Headfirstintothewild]

You haven’t done anything wrong.

Is DS really OK once you have left? Sometimes settings say DC are ‘fine’ when they are anything but.

When you drop off are other DC/parents around? If so, trying a quieter time or quieter entrance could help. Is the comfort item an item of DS’s or yours? Some DC find taking something of the parents helps. Others find drawing a heart on both DC’s and your hand helps. Have you tried DS having a photograph of you? 

Where are you in the EHCP process? Request the primary school provides an enhanced transition. Has DS been referred for anything like play therapy?

[Fivebyfive2]

@Headfirstintothewild he is ok after he's settled - sometimes it can just be 10 mins, other times much longer but I know if he was really struggling they would call me. I've actually "snuck in" (with the staff, I'm not insane!) and seen him after his initial meltdown. Some days he plays alone or just with the adults but is happy, other days he will even join in with other children if he's feeling confident enough.

We always try to get there when we won't have to wait around because the longer we're waiting the worse he is. We tried the photo in bag but although it calmed him leaving the house it actually made it worse at the door because he couldn't decide if he wanted to hold it or keep it in his bag and it made him more distressed 😬 I might try the drawing on the hand though!

We've not been referred for therapy but it is something I've looked into, but wasn't sure if we'd be considered "in need" of it enough? His anxiety around separation, transition and change does seem very extreme though bless him. It breaks my heart to be honest as I've no idea where it comes from so I don't know how to help really?

We're awaiting his autism assessment, the nursery are fairly sure he is autistic but obviously the waiting lists are long. We have a plan in place in terms of meetings with school and a very planned transition over in September, hopefully the routine of school might help? He'll only be doing 9/3 so no clubs or after care etc.

[sleepworkmum]

So my DD was exactly the same from her first day at nursery for three years, it was extremely distressing for everyone. You're not doing anything wrong, not every child can jump in and love everything straight away.

The way autistic kids experience the world on a sensory level can mean certain places provide far too much sensory stimulation for them to cope with. I didn't realise until DD was 7 and we started talking about autism that her huge nursery with 60+ kids and loads of exciting noise and activity and friends had literally been her worst nightmare and extremely stressful. She wasn't so much terrified of being apart from me as being in that place (and yes, I feel like the shittiest parent on the planet). She clung to me for safety, she would cling to one worker all day, but generally be fine at pick up.

If you are very sure he is autistic, it might be helpful to look into talking to an occupational therapist. An OT is doing the sensory assessment for my DD and will be able to explain how she experiences the world on a sensory level so we know what to adjust for.

Lots of autistic kids prefer primary school to nursery because there is more structure, rules and predictability. If you have the choice maybe look at smaller village schools (which have poor SEN resources but could be a much calmer environment for DS).

[Headfirstintothewild]

With an EHCP, DS doesn’t need to meet the normal threshold for therapies and therapies not otherwise typically available can be provided. And assessments can be part of the EHCNA without the need for a normal referral.