Things people say that bug you?

[Flumpbump]

DD is 3 diagnosed with ASD

Theres a few things people say to me that ruffle my feathers, like:

• "but she acts like a normal child/doesn't look autistic"
• "you need to set some rules and discipline her"
• "my friend has a child who is autistic, she doesn't act anything like them"
• "but she just looked at me/spoke to me"
• "She'll eat when she's hungry"

[leahtalbot96]

"What is clubbed feet"?
Yesterday someone at the library asked me why DD was struggling to walk, she was limping around.

This is a good vent/awareness thread.

[Deeedeeee]

I think what people mean is they have some traits in common with an autism diagnosis, and i guess most people do. But a diagnosis of autism generally means these traits are a hindrance to living your life. Unless you've been involved with the diagnosis process how can you understand how complex it is? I often hear "we're all on the spectrum somewhere" and I tend to nod and smile because, while I don't agree that it's true, I feel people are maybe making an attempt to empathise.

[MilesJuppIsMyBitch]

People are confused by the word Spectrum, I think.

There is an autistic spectrum, but we are not all on it. Only people With Autism are on it.

(I'm pretty sure I'm on it).

[Itstimeslikethese]

I don't mind people using the term high functioning autism , they are still on the spectrum, but when I first found out about my son I wasn't as keen on the term as I am now I guess it was not knowing , it's just knowledge, I was not seeing them as the 'stereotypical type'. .

What I am confused about is when I'm told ' every child has a form of autism'

[MilesJuppIsMyBitch]

So many people have trotted out 'we're all on the spectrum' to me as well. It's just one of those myths that grow from misunderstanding. I'm too tired to correct them.

I use 'high-functioning' as well, mainly because people didn't believe me for years when I said I thought DS had autism, and now he has a diagnosis they're still sceptical. Sigh.

People just don't know what to say, I suppose.

[Deeedeeee]

Soon after DS diagnosed ASD (by professionals involved with him): "Its like a bereavement isn't it? You've lost the son you thought you had"
Variations on this was said to me by three different people at the time. All the other 'slightly off' things people have said are kind of amusing, but this one hurt. Also massively insulting to those who have lost a child. Obviously there is no comparison. And my son is exactly the same as he was before you stuck a label on him.

[WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit]

"We're all on the spectrum somewhere"

Said by CAHMS paed - last week

And multiple other people before that.

[Deeedeeee]

@elliejjtiny I also sometimes use the phrase high-functioning, though I've never been happy with it. Its more to clarify to others when they ask questions, but it does seem to add into the myth that autistic people have to have some sort of genius ability. Autism can be very difficult to explain to others, and sometimes I can't be bothered to expand on it.

[Deeedeeee]

*they're
Yep. I grammar-policed myself.

[Deeedeeee]

What's his special talent? (Uh... autism I guess?)
I suppose he finds maths/reading/whatever easy because of his diagnosis? (Nope, he's not a maths genius, he is diagnosed ASD and most things are more difficult)
Why did you feel the need to seek a diagnosis? (None of your business, but maybe because he spent reception year hiding under a table making funny noises)
My [relative/friend/co-worker] who you've never met is a bit odd, do you think they're autistic? (Dunno. Who cares?)
Oh my child seems to getting on well with your autistic child! Well, we've always said their a bit spectrum-y haha!! ( yes. Your child is a little that way inclined, as are you, I've already noticed)

To be clear, these are the answers I wish I had the guts to say. Especially the last one.

[elliejjtiny]

I have to confess I say my ds1 is high functioning, I didn't realise that was offensive, sorry. It's because if I say he has autism then people say he doesn't because he can talk, play the piano and he hasn't had a meltdown in public since he was 11. I don't think he is better than people who have learning difficulties alongside autism.

[ShopHero]

MumUnderTheMoon I got the proper rage when someone on my Facebook described a lad on Greatest Dancer (or The Voice, maybe, one of those shit Saturday night programmes anyway) as 'Andrew is Downs, this is amazing' with video attached.
WTF? 'Is Downs'?
I don't have a child with Downs Syndrome but I was enraged.

[ShopHero]

My dad once said "DD1 is amazing, and when DD2 sorts herself out she will be too"
DD2 has quadraplegic cerebral palsy among other issues so .. 🤷‍♀️
He used to send me clips of Francesca Martinez and other high functioning people with CP, saying 'so and so has CP'. I know he meant well but really, my DD seems so far away from these people right now.

In his defence he has learned over the years that Quad CP isn't going anywhere and he has learned to love her regardless.

[Firstworddinosaur]

When I try to explain some of my son's more challenging behaviours (ASC) and the other mums say 'oh well my child does that, all children do that'.

NO. THEY. DON'T.

[MumUnderTheMoon]

I used to hate it when people would say "she'll catch up" fuck off please. Also a hate it when people say their kid has "a touch of autism" I mean did the autism fairy come along in the night an sprinkle them with just a little bit of the autism sparkle dust? I also hate it when people feel the need to point out their child is "high functioning" like there is some sort of autism hierarchy. I have a brother who has Down syndrome and I hate it when people say "Downs boy" or even worse "a Down syndrome" as if Down syndrome is the primary most important thing about the person even before their gender.

[Flumpbump]

DD goes into like blind rage and it takes 2 of us to restrain her
I'm always getting "she can't be that bad", "all children throw tantrums", "have you tried leaving her?"
Having my eye split open and chunks bitten out of my arm isnt enough proof that she is that bad apparently 😂

[danni0509]

Ds autism paediatrician told me.

We are all a little bit autistic you know.

My mum is my witness.

[danni0509]

To quote every teacher EVER: "Often parents say they have fussy eaters, but when the child sees all the others eating their school dinner they'll want to too".

@Onglue funny! I had that at nursery, he didn't eat a single snack they offered for the 18 months he attended and he had the exact same things in his lunch bag for the same amount of time.

Now at school it's precisely the same.

He couldn't give a shiny shit what the other kids eat!

When I say fussy it doesn't even cut it. Their fussy and my fussy are on a totally different planet

[ACoverIsNotTheBook]

“But autism isn’t reallllly a disability though is it, he’ll just be quirky”
This drives me insane. I actually want to throttle the next person who says it to me, my son is non verbal, both sensory seeking and sensitive. Will not be toilet trained for many years. Can’t feed himself or follow simple instructions, yes it is a fucking disability you assholes. Honestly I am all for looking on the bright side but being autistic isn’t a fucking gift it’s a neurological condition!

[elliejjtiny]

Oh yes the queue jumping thing. And the "you only got him diagnosed to get free stuff". Like they just give a diagnosis to anyone who asks and you collect your blue badge, "free" car and a queue jumping pass on your way out.

[IntentsAndPorpoises]

She doesn't look autistic.

Today we had someone grumble loudly that we shouldn't be able to jump the queue at a popular day out place. It wasn't fair apparently. I felt like saying I'd stand in all the queues for hours if it meant dd didn't have autism, cos believe me life is a hell of a lot more unfair on her.

[Onglue]

YY the assumption that sending them to nursery or school will help their development and make them "normal".


DS actually regressed after 3 months in a mainstream school nursery.

[Claw001]

My ex GP told me ‘don’t worry he will grow out of it’ referring to autism

I was so irritated by this comment I had to put her on the spot and question her! Really! So his diagnosis will be removed at some point then? Oh no! So how will I know when he has grown out of it? She actually said when he starts school, he will copy the other children so copying will make his autism disappear? You won’t notice it as much!

I had to leave before I swore!

[Shybutnotretiring]

I'm struggling to top that one but how about 'trust you to have a cat with special needs'?

[elliejjtiny]

About my dc1 who has aspergers syndrome: "well it's not like he has proper autism. My friend's niece's hairdresser's postman has a child with proper autism and they never complain and have an immaculate house"

About my dc2 who has SPD and is sat shaking his head from side to side: "Can't they fix that so he looks normal ?"

There are loads more but I can't remember any off the top of my head.