Please help. Does anyone have 10 yr old + with ASD and/or severe anxiety??

[Anothernamechanger1]

Ds1 is 10. Been under Camhs for a long time. He's currently seeing a physcotherapist each week. He's very bright but school (and me) have always struggled with his anger and aggression, outbursts and unpredictability. I can cope with his querks and odd tendencies etc. But this last school year he spent more time at home. Attendance board etc involved. Tried to apply ehcp but got refused. School doing what they can when he is there. We've been through a bad time his whole life. So on top of the ASD he has anxiety and the anxiety may be ASD related but may be a result of what he's been through. I don't know what to do. The paediatricians are no use. I have asked a lot of times for medication but it has been refused.

I'm currently getting him treated by a homeopath as I'm desperate. This year his latest is clothes. He will claw at his skin, clothes hurt him no matter that there are no labels, organic cotton and that he will wear the same things 24/7. Today I washed his vest he wear in bed. Resulted in massive meltdown. He ends up crying saying how he will never get a job because of his problem with clothes and that he won't have any money to pay bills. He says without my love he would be dead. He's spoken loads about wishing he was dead and Camhs know this as do school. It. Doesn't seem serious enough for them? Has anyone any experience of this??

He says he struggles to feel happy. His anxiety comes out as anger and aggression, so if he's worrying about something instead of say crying he will shout and hurt people. Everyone has told me medication is a bad idea, the side effects, how it will mess him up. He's already screwed up and he's only 10 and the hormones haven't started yet.

Please please help I'm scared and don't know what to do. There's physically nothing left out there for help for him??

[Anothernamechanger1]

Having looked at a weeks diary of him and majority of the issues are when he hasn't got his way or things haven't gone how he wanted them too....

[Anothernamechanger1]

No what/who are dawn huebneur books polter?

[Anothernamechanger1]

Thank you all. I will start this tomorrow and see what happens!

[Melawati]

It depends on your DS if involving him stresses him out more. I never try to talk about these things with DD when she's very anxious, only when things are relatively calm.

[Melawati]

I keep a diary very much like Polter suggests - of everything really. It helped identify things like particular times of the day that were only difficult on certain days because of a (seemingly unrelated) activity, and build up of stressors over a number of days, when each seemed quite insignificant on it's own.
Bedtime chats work well for us too, it's quiet, just us and DD feels safer and more relaxed in bed.
It's just a lot of trial and error, seeing what works and accepting that things that work may not work all the time.

[Anothernamechanger1]

So you don't think by me involving him puts more pressure on him though? To 'fix' him so to speak. Not that I'm trying to, I just want to make life easier for him. I will def start diary tomorrow. No matter what time he goes to bed he's alway up 5/530am he says once his brain is awake he has to get up. So he goes up 730 and we relax and read etc ao he's alaeep by 8ish otherwise he's very moody.

[Anothernamechanger1]

Ok yes. To be fair I haven't kept a diary, just in my head. So what sort of things are best at to put in there.... Positive aswell as negative things? I will obviously put in outbursts and things that lead up to it, possible causes...... What else will help?

I think he shows lots of traits of PDD, I went armed with info to the paediatrician and she said no way as he would be like it all the time. Perhaps I need to re read try to get more information back into my head about that.

[BuffySENsational]

Take a step back for a while. You have been given a lot of information and will need time to absorb it.

The diary is your best start that's how I spotted most of ds1 more subtle triggers others were really obvious X

[Anothernamechanger1]

This is the understanding of where I am at with him. I can't get medication for anxiety yet the anxiety is believed to cause most of his problems..... So it's this massive circle that I can't break? How do I help the anxiety? He sees a therapist weekly he has an anger management session each week at school and he has thrive at school which they think has helped him with emotions.

[Anothernamechanger1]

What I can't understand is how can one day there be no problem and the next day he can't leave the house? So I can't solve the problem for him and he doesn't know either

[Anothernamechanger1]

Iv tried piriton yes and pain killers. He sometimes asks for pain killers when he's really going crazy clawing at the clothes.

I don't care if he only wears joggers, I wouldn't care if I took him out in pjs, Iv said that to him. I've told him I just want him to be happy. Iv never gone on about the money to him (just venting on here) in fact I make a joke ds2 has loads of clothes when he is older that aren't hand me downs.

I just want him to be able to leave the house. No matter what he is wearing.

[Melawati]

Sorry, massive x-post. In the scenario you describe it seems like the stress is around leaving the house rather than the clothes/shoes.

[Melawati]

I agree with polter, joggers and t shirts are fine everyday, and try looking for footwear he can wear without socks - eg crocs (they do lined ones for winter) or ugg type boots.
When I've found it very difficult to work out what my DD's stressors and triggers are (because when she's at her worst she's like a monster tangle of anxiety and aggression) I've found it really does help to keep a diary. I've spotted patterns I didn't know were there and have been able to stealthily work on things while DD is at her most uncooperative.

[Anothernamechanger1]

He doesn't like to be different to others so doesn't like he isn't in uniform, or doesn't like if we are somewhere dressed a little smarter and I tell him it's fine what he's wearing he hates being different. His school trousers about a year ago or before this happened he would only wear the school trousers so mon-Sunday and that was fine with me, no he can't bare them!

[Anothernamechanger1]

I know the auditory issues with him. Those are quite simple and I'm good at avoiding things or helping him before it happens. With the clothes I feel out of my league as there is no pattern to it at all. He will say nothing is worrying him at the time and he doesn't know why he does it!

[Anothernamechanger1]

But this is the problem, one day the tshirt and joggers are fine, the next everything is irritating him and he will pull and claw at said tahirt and joggers. This is what I can't understand. It feels like he's doing it deliberately because he can't be bothered to go out. Last Camhs apt he was like this, wouldn't put anything on his feet, for slippers on him and to the car park but wouldn't get out as 'everyone will laugh' so I went in and got the Camhs physcotherapist and he wouldn't get out of the car for her either. So we went home. Today he got himself dressed, no issues at all. Knew when we were leaving. Was sat in joggers and tahirt. Comes to leaving the house and it starts again, clawing and moaning. I manage to get him in the car and to his apt as if nothing happened! He then sat in the same clothes all afternoon that he was clawing at earlier!

[BuffySENsational]

Is it not good enough for him or you re the T shirt and jogging bottoms? If that's what he likes to wear then let him. ds1 hates coats so he has big thick hoodies instead. He can't bear the swishing noise. The triggers are there you just don't know what to look for and that's where an OH coming to you home could help.

Ds1 can't cope with lots of background noise for instance so I can't have a chat with him if the tv/radio is on or he wants to read.

The more he can talk to you about it and normalise his feelings then that can only benefit him. And will help teach him that communication can be helpful. You will get there.

It took me years to be able to identify triggers as soon as I did they changed and so it began. They will elvove and wax and wain learn to go with them instead of against.

ds1 can't bear the texture of meat yet absolutely loves hotdogs. He has hotdogs at least 3 times a week and his staple of his beloved plain pasta with cheese the rest for dinner.

Keep talking and keep the lines of communication open between you and eventually you will learn to 'see' things through his eyes and it will get easier X