Not coping with my child having autism

[Imaginosity]

I wonder how abnormal I am. DS was diagnosed a year ago and it still breaks my heart. He has high functioning autism. He's happy in himself and getting on ok at school. He's doing quite well with his work. He needs help to regulate himself. He is prone to tantrums but they seem to be largely under control at school.

I just feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. On the days where DS is engaged and interacts I'm on top of the world and think maybe things won't be so bad and he'll find some friends and won't end up lonely.

Then there are days like today where I come home and get into bed and cry. We met some friends of mine and their children. I felt really lonely even though I was in company.

Two of the little boys were running about laughing and playing the whole time. DS joined in for a short time depending on what they were doing - but mostly was content to play alone with the boy's toys.

The other parents didn't understand that this broke my heart - they said 'isn't it great how he plays quietly with the toys' - I was thinking 'no it's not great - it's a sign of the autism - and a sign that he's not fitting in with the others - and will struggle to make friends'.

The other little boys are doing football, swimming, tennis classes etc. We can't do any of these group activities (I have tried). We will have to do individual classes.

All the parents seem to meet at the football etc and get to know each other. I feel like I'm on the outside because DS is on the outside. I wish I could make connections with the other parents as it might help DS a bit. But I can't get to know them as we can't go to the activities.

The other parents today were talking about what summer camps to sign their children up for. They didn't bother asking me as they assume DS won't be going. I just feel left out of the conversation and left out of everything.

All the children engage on a level DS doesn't. He can engage with them at times when he's really interested.

I worry will anyone come to his party next year - he says he'll invite all his friends from school but I know they are not really his friends as such. He names particular children as his friends - the children of my friends. I can't see any connection between him and them - they don't seem to notice him and he's happy to do his own thing and only occasionally interact - this is despite knowing them and meeting them for a few years.

I feel lonely myself because I don't have much friends and the fact that DS can't interact makes me more isolated. I feel like it's a cycle - I've passed on my poor social skills to DS. I know what's it like to be lonely and the one thing I hoped for DS was that he'd have friends.

DS has excellent social skills with his little brother and with certain children he can be very interactive. This is my only source of hope for the future. Sometimes I think at least he can hang out with DS2 no matter what happens.

I should be thankful that DS is happy so far but I don't want him to be content to be alone. I want him to have a small group of friends and maybe find someone in the future who he loves and have a family. Maybe I have to accept he'll be alone.

I feel like this has take the joy out of parenting. I have a younger DS starting school next year - DS2 is very sociable and I could bring him to football and do playdates but I almost feel like not bothering as I'm sick of the whole thing. I feel like just going to work (which I enjoy) and DS2 will be ok in the end whether I make an effort or not.

[ToInfinity]

OP I totally know where you are coming from. In many ways I could have written your post.

First of all, you did NOTHING to cause your DS's autism. Nothing at all. Reject that guilt, you didn't earn it.

I totally identify with the added level of fear that comes with having a DC with autism. My DS is 4 and is going thru the diagnosis process (all but done, just waiting for the official meeting!), and I am v worried about what this will mean for his future. Will he make friends? Will he ever get married and have kids? Will he be able to work? Who will look after him once I'm gone?

I kind of figure that all I can do is do the very best I can for him today, make sure he knows how amazing and very loved he is, and help him to navigate any tricky situations.

You sound like a fab mum.

[marthastew]

I am in exactly the same boat. Everything you say about conversations at the school gate is exactly my experience so I sympathise. Its so hard listening to parents complaining (day after day) about which reading group their child is in when I would be happy if my child could string a full sentence together. Parents that I have spoken to have said "Isn't it a relief to have a diagnosis?". No, its not. Its heartbreaking.

[Imaginosity]

Martha a girl I know can be insensitive without meaning it - her life has always been quite perfect andI don't think it really occurs to her how it feels to have problems. She knows DS has autism and that I'm worried about him making friends but one day she was kind of jokingly giving out about how many playdates her son does - and maybe she should cut back on them because it's just too much. It was like a punch in the stomach as DS never gets asked on playdates. I just had to nod and agree it must be so hard for her.

After she got her son's school report card she texted a group of us on whatsapp asking how our kids did - the other parents were all replying about how their children did really well (of course). I just didn't bother replying as I'd been quite upset to see the extent to which DS was struggling at the time.

I find it easier to be around parents who don't have 'perfect' children - as they can relate to my worry.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Imagine - no I wouldn't say you should be grateful, or that you shouldn't vent. It's just that holding a perspective in our heads can help us be strong. Because as you know too, it's really tough. Everyone one of these posters know that and you do too. You are not alone.

[yippeekiyay2]

Hi imagine, you are not alone. Dd (7) is still being assessed for autism but has very similar issues to your son, except she is not coping at school and due to something that happened just before Easter our relationship with school has also broken down. We have tried a few clubs - rainbows, the leader said she couldn't come back after the first session for being 'silly' (she was 5!), football, the coaches were good but she always felt left out as it was mainly sporty boys, and dance which again she started to hAve meltdowns and so we had to stop going. She now only does a social group for children with Aspergers which she is loving at least. Am thinking about trying karate in the future. She rarely gets invited to party - 2 this school year - which is a shame as she doesn't spoil them she is generally good at them. I am feeling so down at the moment crying all the time, hating my job (which I loved) and finding myself getting frustrated with dd often. I am 22 wks pg and can't stop worrying about whether this baby will also have autism and even if all the stress I am putting myself under will cause it! I agree with others your ds sounds like he is happy with things atm and that you need to look after yourself and give it time also, it is tiring being a parent of a child with SN and we need to give ourselves a break and remember all the wonderful
Things about our children! I have also stopped trying to interact with parents at school as I find them mostly narrow minded and judgmental (small town syndrome!)