Very mild high functioning Aspergers -

[Berty24]

My Ds is 12 and for the last four years has gone from a very sociable kid with lots of friends to a very sociable kid with no friends. A couple of years ago there was evidence of kids excluding him at school so I finally chatted to school and to the parents about it. School said he always seems really happy with lots of friends and they had no idea there was a problem. His friends mums said, very honestly, that He was doing certain things and the kids just simply didn't like him any more and they couldn't force their kids to spend time with him. Cue to go on the Internet and start researching! He has been top of his class for four years in a very selective school and is possibly gifted in maths. I have spoken to the senco coordinator who said he would never get statemented as its not obvious enough, I don't care about statement or not I just want it to be recognised so we can help him. Main problem is one way conversations about a particular subject and him not realising the signs that others are not interested so they just avoid him. He asks a lot of questions, mainly rhetorical, to fill conversations, but rarely two way conversations. Lots of other annoying habits like shouting out in class, not stopping when someone has told him to stop. Anyone here in same situation who can give advice on tactics? We have started going to the school counsellor and talked about facial expressions to look out for (Ds is mortified and doesn't know why we are there) but he is well aware that kids at school don't like him and he desperately wants to change that!

[Emmiex83]

My son like ur son always seems to be busy and always talking about friends in school. But my older boy said to me he is being bullied mammy or people are getting him to do things that gets him in trouble. Its like if he does silly things they will like him for it.
He has issues in staying quiet for longer than 2 mins he needs to ask silly questions.
He also has issues with everything being perfect and in order.
My son was diagnoised with Aspergers, Odd, Add and Ocd and school has taken all speical hours and sna away from him which has made him worse.
I wish i had answers for u but see about ur doc refarring u to cahms for ur little lad to be assessed.

[plantlady]

Hello, Have just joined the conversation. Sounds rather like my DS2 now 16 and diagnosed last year with AS which actually was picked up when I had him refereed to CAMHS for anxiety (and that it turned out all started in year6). I would strongly advise to get DC tested so you know what you are up against. We never suspected AS so were quite surprised with the diagnosis and it's only listening in at the meetings with the Psychologists I've discovered the depth of his difficulties, anxieties and unhappiness (he's also clinically depressed and no on medication). So find out what you are up against and then you can find an appropriate way forward.
just to note DS2 talked early, is very bright, seemed social until secondary school, had lots of activities, did well at school and yet is autistic and now he is in 6th form and wanting to be social is really struggling - would never have predicted any of it.
Sounds like your son may also be dyspraxic DS1 is dyspraxic and dyslexic so recognise some of the symptoms you describe - dyspraxia is common in autism. Will say it again. get him tested - even if you have to go private. then go to the school with your findings at take it from there.

[Verbena37]

I'd be really upset if the SENCO told me my child's weren't obvious enough to require diagnosis.
Could you afford a private assessment?
Just because his needs and problems aren't obvious to them,cdoes not mean they are mild!!

Take matters into your own hands and ask your GP for either a private or NHS referral.....whilst it's not usual for GPs to refer, they do and can. Before you go to GP, write a sheet explaining main behaviours and social problems etc and ask that they refer for assessment.

My son's diagnosis said 'subtle, not mild high functioning autism'. Subtle is very different from mild.

[2boysnamedR]

I was there was more schools around like the secondary my neurotypical boy goes too. It really embraces kids with asd. My son knows there are a few kids with asd in his class. They don't get picked on or excluded.

I also minecraft is really good for all kids to work on their social skills. Its impossible not to listen in and think "how the hell do you get away with bossing your mates around?" Tbh maybe they are all bossing each other about

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Obs2016 oh I feel for your boy too, so hard. Good you found something to help him.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Don't worry about the terminology OP! It can be very confusing when you are originally looking for help, and don't let fear of using the 'wrong' words put you off finding out about others experiences.

You could get a diagnosis though if you can, from someone who will use a range of tests, educational psychologist, salt, occupational therapist. So you and your child can get a good overview of strengths and weaknesses.

Read the recommendations from other posters here, and you should start to get a better sense of things. Good luck.

[MeirAya]

Ds1 is 12y with ASD. Things that have helped- basically very structured activities with clear rules: eg chess club, scouts, music, sports activities with switched-on coaches.

Also getting very, very good at computer games that other kids respect and developing some solitary hobbies like reading.

Minecraft is good because he can 'practice' social skills with me shouting from the kitchen eg "if you keep repeatedly telling that lad on your team what to do, he'll get annoyed and leave you to the creepers"

[Obs2016]

We have this. Ds1(12) liked it and said it helped ALOT.

He is disliked and very lonely. Makes my heart bleed. Struggles with homework and gets lots of detentions.
ALL he wants us to be accepted and liked by the 'cool' boys.

[Obs2016]

Off to google unwritten rules......

[Proudmumof2boys]

The unwritten rules of friendship would be worth a read too

[2boysnamedR]

The book mentioned above is good. I don't have it myself but a friend does. She highlighted sections and used that to get diagnosis.

I think it's very easy to use the wrong words, I don't fully understand all the terminology and professionals keep changing. I have had peadiatrician a say "label" to me. I do wonder if they also "label" broken limbs.

With my older boy he has significant asd traits. Enough to put him in the asd area. But it's the combination of all traits that gets into diagnosis levels.

For me it's no different now I know he hasn't officially got asd. He has enough traits to impact on his life. I just focus on those areas as if it was asd. He has dyspraxia and receptive / expressive language disorders. So a lot of these conditions overlap.

People tell me what a lovely speaker he is. He is scoring down at 1% in some areas! Just because he says please, thank you and pardon. SLT should be able to pick these things out

[mummytime]

Go to see your GP, and whilst waiting for appointments/assessments read as much as you can.
If your GP is any good then they will be able to advise you on the best route for your son through the assessment process in your area: which could involve a paediatrician, CAMHS and Speech therapists.

It is quite normal or the "crisis" to hit in adolescence, party because of the changes happening in the young person; but also the changes in their peers and the way they relate to each other. If someone struggles to learn/see social cues, then it makes this time when social cues and rules are changing - even more challenging. (And far more stressful.)

[Berty24]

Thanks Bethmo, I think I will go to my GP and see about being referred to a local speech therapist, great idea, I forget speech therapists help more than just about speech. many thanks

[Bethmo]

Hi all, I am a speech and language therapist, so just thought I'd chip in.

Berty24 - I would definitely recommend seeking the advice of your local speech and language therapy service - we do a lot of work with children and young people on all aspects of communication, and this would definitely include higher level language skills such as making inferences and predictions, idioms etc as well as social communication - turn taking, eye contact, reading social situations - the list goes on!

A SALT would also be included in the process of diagnosing ASD as it is a communication disorder. This usually happens in conjunction with a paediatrician.

I would be careful with the terminology - it is a minefield and has actually recently changed, again (helpfully!) Aspergers is on the spectrum, it is a term generally used to describe the more 'able' end of the autistic spectrum. Do read up, but try and make sure the information you read is up to date as things have changed.

I am an independent speech and language therapist and specialise in teenagers and their communication skills, if I can be more help to you Berty24, do let me know.

All the best!

[Berty24]

Thank you - I shall be reading Attwoods book with interest - and it looks like a salt assessment / sessions is the way forward. Good idea knittingwithneedles on watching funny programmes (any specifically recommended?) and it is helpful to hear that progress can be made. Thanks everyone

[Twgtwf]

These events are always good:

www.autismoxford.org.uk/index.php/events

[knittingwithnettles]

Son has similar problems with social skills, although outwardly v sociable chatty, diagnosed with HFA at 8. 11/12 low point, it is a lot better now although he still interrupts and gets fixated on particular topics. Small groups of friends with an outside interest (football, train set, stop animation) lots of free play with others outdoors in small mixed age groups(he is now home educated) AND crucially some SALT sessions around social skills, communication (this was despite his excellent language skills and average IQ). These have made him a more agreeable companion! Friends come round and he is no longer shunned. He is a kind cheery companion, despite still being loud and quite bombastic, and people appreciate his other qualities. I also found that talking and chatting to him a lot, watching a few funny programmes and drama shows with him really developed his sense of humour, another social plus. Anyway, a SALT programme is indispensable whether it is delivered by you or a professional SALT therapist. And then you have to somehow start get him to use those skills in real time with real people. Playground at school is a difficult place to learn those skills implicitly - small groups are much effective, and that requires some input or supervision or guidance.

[Twgtwf]

You need this, OP:

www.amazon.co.uk/Complete-Aspergers-Syndrome-Spectrum-Disorder/dp/1843106698?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Berty24]

Ouch not fair. I am just saying I am very interested in hearing about everyone's experiences specifically in how I can help my son but I feel this thread has become all about me using the wrong words to describe something I am just beginning to get to grips with! Anyway I'm sure you are all very nice people, maybe I'm not pressing myself very well on email, so I'm not offended and I would still like to hear from anyone who's kids have similar traits and what has helped them.

[Jasonandyawegunorts]

whether I am using the correct terminology

So.... "I want to remain totally ignorant, not make any attempt to try and understand anything relating to the topic, while at the same time hearing what i want to hear."

Not really the best attitude to have.

[Berty24]

Yes merde - he only has traits/signs. I don't think we should get too bogged down analysing whether I am using the correct terminology - my main question is are there Other mums whose kids have traits of aspergers - I would love to hear what, if anything, helped them on the social side.