DD told by teacher to 'get over it' ....

[frazzledbutcalm]

Briefly, dd (asd) has to play what shall we do with the drunken sailor on a keyboard in front of the whole class ... all the class have to do this. I emailed senco and wrote music teacher a note detailing how this is traumatising for dd, how much worry and stress it has caused. Music teacher saw dd and talked at to her about her anxiety then told her she has to get over it, gave her a stern talking to and said she must go to her with any problems and she will be expected to perform all other pieces in front of the whole class as it's not fair on the others if dd is the only one who doesn't perform.

We're furious at the teachers comments .. dd masks her autism and I strongly believe the teacher would not have spoken to her in this way if her autism was easy to see. I have a meeting with the senco tomorrow to discuss this and other issues.

[frazzledbutcalm]

Thanks panne ... I hadn't thought of it that way! The new senco did say we could apply for one if necessary. I'll definitely keep your comments in mind - it didn't occur to me!
Ineed ... I strongly suspect things will work out. But I'm ready if they don't.
Thanks again all.

[Ineedmorepatience]

Great news frazzled but dont forget and panne is rigjt your Dd could need an ehcp!! Especially if she is unable to attend due to anxiety!!

Lets hope the new school will help with that but keep EHCP in mind!!

Good luck

[pannetone]

err frazzled your DD DOES have an 'educational need/problem' - at the end of your last post you said how your DD has scarcely made it into school this week - she can't learn if she can't attend (well unless you have opted for home ed) and she can't attend because of anxiety probably because the school aren't meeting her needs... Your DD (like my DS3) I'm sure can 'achieve very highly' but only in the right environment with the right support and that CAN come under the remit of an EHCP.

I'm glad the middle school looks so promising and hopefully it will meet your DD's needs - but the SENCO is certainly wrong to say your DD is too academically high achieving to get an EHCP. I was told that for DS3 (and DD) - he got level 6 in all his Y6 SATS - but he got a statement last Dec - and the criteria haven't materially changed with ECHPs.

[frazzledbutcalm]

Update - I've visited the middle school and spoken to the senco, who also showed me around the school. She was great. School has less than 300 pupils, dd's year group has 19-21 children in each class. We went into lots of classrooms where lessons were taking place and every class was well behaved, friendly, good learning in place. Had a long discussion with the senco, she said we can apply for an EHCP whenever we want (contrary to what existing senco and LA say), but she doubts dd will qualify as she's very academic and achieves very highly so it will be very difficult to show an educational need/problem. She would qualify for a HCP but an EHCP needs to show problems related to learning/education. She feels that after everything I told her about dd, she wouldn't need an EHCP or even lots of the interventions dd current school are talking about. And I agree ... because the new school is much smaller, nurtures children, dishes out lots of TLC, doesn't make the pupils do things that make them stress with anxiety uncomfortable, they make allowances and cater to the individual child. I could go on and on! So we're giving it a try. I've submitted her online application to change school, dd is visiting it tomorrow with me, but she knows I've already applied for her. She was in her existing school today and 3 hours and Tuesday - that's it this week. Will let you all know how things progress.

[frazzledbutcalm]

That's awful thorn .... schools just don't see any of our problems with our dc because they mostly happen at home. It's so frustrating.
I hope your dd gets the help she/you both need.

I've kept dd off this morning. I'm hoping she might go in this afternoon but we'll see. I'm not pushing her this time.

[thornrose]

My dd attacked my violently on Sunday night because I said she had to go back to school on Monday. She went to stay with my mum to give us both some space. I said she could stay off today and tomorrow.

Dd is so attached to me, she still sleeps in my bed most nights but she hasn't called me or asked to speak to me since yesterday. I just texted my mum to find out how dd is. She doesn't ever want to come home because I will send her to school.

I work full time, I can't take time off. My mum is retired and it's not fair to expect her to have dd every day. I am lost.

[Ineedmorepatience]

I agree in a way polter but in the support group that I run there are very many of us who are having terrible school issues! Having said that my LA got rid of the autism advisory teachers and we dont have any asd specific schools at all so we are all stuck with mainstreams trying to be inclusive when they really havent a clue!!

[Ineedmorepatience]

I wish I could help you frazzled as you know we have reached the end of our journey with mainstream school.

We are going to take 2 yrs out to recover (all of us) and then try again in a very small vocational college for yr10!

I cant make the call about whether to send Dd3 anymore, we are all unhappy and cant continue.

I hope you can reach a decision that works for your family, its a very tough one

[senvet]

I can't be the only one who is beginning to be concerned that inserting so many ASD/C kids into mainstream schools is doing more harm than good....

[frazzledbutcalm]

Well as I expected, dd has gone to bed holding back tears ... she doesn't want to go to school. What do I do? I honestly believe that if I leave it to her she wouldn't go to school at all, any day. How do you know when to keep them off?

[Ineedmorepatience]

That is good news about the senco frazzled , in terms of knowing when to send your Dd, I have that problem too, today Dd3 asked me not to make her go but to be fair she wasnt objecting to much so I just asked her to get dressed and she did. If she had continued to object and refused to get dressed I wouldnt have sent her!

I did say in the tribunal how hard it is to make that decision

[frazzledbutcalm]

Senco at existing school says that if a child with asd gets too low/depressed/low self esteem etc it's really, really hard to get them back 'up' - much harder than 'normal' children.

Thanks ineed .. I get confused (for want of a better word) because in my heart I feel I should never send dd into school, but I can't keep her off every day. If I asked her she'd say she'd want to stay at home and never ever go to school. I'm hoping with support in the smaller school she'll be a lot better. If not I'll have to home school. Congratulations on your tribunal news!

panne ... It doesn't feel like a plan I hope your ds goes from strength to strength.

Existing senco has phoned tonight and was lovely. She's sorting the homework business. She's very supportive, still helping us with advice for other schools and doing the top up funding and referrals/meetings with LIST team and autism worker even though we're probably leaving.

[pannetone]

Glad you have plans in place frazzled - sorry that school is so difficult for your DD ATM.

I echo what all the others have said about making the move for DD having checked out the middle school. Suffering from anxiety at school can really damage long term mental health. We probably kept my DS in his secondary for too long (and he only did a term!) - the knock on effects of that experience are partly why even a year on he is only managing mornings at his new school - some of his anxirty is 'anticipatory' - he can remember how bad things got for him in his first secondary.

[thornrose]

frazzled that makes perfect sense. All we can do is what we think/hope is right. I hope it all works out, it sounds really promising.

Thanks everyone for the kind words about dd, it means a lot.

[Ineedmorepatience]

Hi frazzled you did exactly the right thing keeping your Dd off today in my opinion.

I have been dreading Dd3 having a complete breakdown for several years now which is why we dont force her to go to school on days when she isnt coping.

I really hope the smaller school is a better environment for your Dd.

We are counting down the days now until we can get Dd3 out of her massive school!

thorn sorry to hear about your Dd

[frazzledbutcalm]

thorn .. I'm taking all the advice. Secno at middle school rang me back, we're meeting there on Wednesday then if we all decide dd would be best there we're taking her for a visit separately. I'm not sure dd is asd enough to warrant an asd school if that makes sense? You don't sound dramatic at all, I feel dd1 has missed her chance due to us all not seeing her true problems, I don't wand dd2 (who this thread is about) to suffer the same. I'm doing what I hope is right for her, I'm just not sure I know what is right for her. I hope your dd will be ok

[thornrose]

Broken pretty much describes dd right now.

[thornrose]

OP I really urge you to take all the great advice you've had here. I wish I had asked for advice before choosing dd's High school.

She is now in year 10 in a mainstream school and she has had what I would call a complete breakdown.

I am about to start the fight to move her to an independent school for children with autism and LDs. At least her last couple of years at school may not be hell.

Oh how I wish I hadn't encouraged my poor dd to carry on going to a school that she clearly hated and that on reflection was unable to meet her needs.

It is my one and only regret in life. I'm so sorry if this sounds terribly dramatic.

[frazzledbutcalm]

I've kept dd off school today... we've been away in the caravan for 3 days of the holidays. We came back yesterday, the first thing she did was get her bag and look at the 6 pieces of homework she had set for over the holidays! - She just broke down immediately
I've rang the school this morning and said she's not coming in due to anxiety/stress, the senco was unavailable so is ringing me back. I've rang the smaller middle school and their senco is ringing me back today also.

[youarekiddingme]

Oh bless her frazzeled