OK, I've finally managed to catch DD2 on video

[lougle]

Showing how she reacts to unplanned differences.

Can you take a look and see if I'm justified in calling her 'inflexible'?

(I'll take the link down in a day or two).

TIA.

[lougle]

I'm very happy with their response. The SENCO, on hearing DD2's anxieties relating to lunch time and the conflict between wanting enough to eat and wanting to play, said 'ok...we can work on snack time - if we give her more then, she can have less at lunch so it won't take as long'.

Actual, practical, specific strategies!

[Ineedmorepatience]

Brilliant lougle I have just caught up with your thread.

I am so glad the staff were supportive and good luck

[lougle]

Thank you

ELSA is Emotional Literacy Support Assistant - targetted support to improve social skills and self-esteem, etc.

[HairyMaclary]

We've had excellent success with an excellent ELSA TA who's worked with DS1 over the last 6 months or so. She started with his anger, which based in anxiety, and has moved onto friendsips, manners, discussing and explaining his condition and asking for help.

[bassingtonffrench]

can i ask you what ELSA is?

[Periwinkle007]

Jacksterbear - you could try Rob Kelly's thrive book. As your son is young you would have to do it and apply it to him but it might help. www.thriveprogramme.org/

[Periwinkle007]

huge step forward for you, really positive.

DD1 had a very bad day but I just want to cry about it at the moment. meeting with school later in the week so I hope it helps.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Good news Lougle. This school sound so much better than the first.

[Jacksterbear]

Hello, I'm late to join in this discussion but have been following it. I'm really glad the video has helped start the ball rolling for getting support for your DD, lougle.

Just wanted to add to the discussion that this sort of reaction is very typical for my 6yo DS who has a dx of SPD & anxiety (and has been assessed as not meeting the diagnostic criteria for ASD or PDA, since his social and communication skills are very good). His anxiety leads to a need to control (coping mechanism), which leads to rigid, obsessive behaviour, and the slightest unexpected event or change of routine can send him into complete meltdown.

[Handywoman]

Ooh that is a real step forward, Lougle, I hope school are soon able to start addressing her needs. Well done with the video, you must feel relieved.

[NewBlueCoat]

oh, that is a really big step forward, lougle. well done. fingers crossed they will start trying to see beyond the coping front your dd2 has been putting up, and then they can begin the real work of getting ehr settled and happy.

[lougle]

We had parents evening today for DD2. I showed the video to both class teacher and SENCO.

They don't see anything like that at all at school. Both were quite shocked; the class teacher visibly so. Class teacher has said that we should forget 'targets' and just try to get DD2 happy in school - she'll liaise further with SENCO.

SENCO has been really helpful. She has said DD2 is top of the list for ELSA and they will start with anxiety, then friendships/organisation/etc etc.

She is going to phone CAMHS and check whether a parental referral or school referral will get most attention. She's asked me to start pushing the Paed again.

We've agreed that this will not go away and that one way or another she's likely to end up with a diagnosis at some point.

Videos are like gold dust, aren't they? They both realised tonight that they don't see 'DD2' they see 'shut-down, passive, compliant, 'coping' DD2'.

[lougle]

Ah you see, that would send DD2 absolutely round the bend. But it would work with dd3.

[Kleinzeit]

I'm probably not that good at picking my moment though DS's music teacher is very good at it - when my DS complains about something his music teacher will say "they did that on purpose just to annoy YoungKleinzeit" and he accepts that as a joke.

Another thing that works for my DS - and I know this is going to sound a bit mad! – is that I give him words for things. Preferably long words. So in something like the “Let it Snow” scenario (if I had the presence of mind!) I’d put on a wise-owl voice and say “Ah yes, he’s singing an extended version – that's where the singer repeats a bar that isn’t written down” (or “he’s singing an abbreviated version” depending which way round ) For whatever reason my DS finds this comforting!

And by the way lougle, if that video is typical then I’d also agree your DD is rather rigid (and a real sweetie too!)

[lougle]

Her Cousin has a rare cancer, Star - she was too poorly to go to a special Starlight charity event, so DD2 went in her place

DD2 hates being laughed at.

[Handywoman]

we also do the catastrophising, and the making it funny but only in the bathroom where I can be sure to pull a daft face in the mirror with her -HA!!! (safe ground and all that).

And the mirror talk, when she is anxious and verbalising I will echo back what she's said, seems to help stop the escalation.

I nearly always ask dd2 on the way in to school about her anxiety - I can normally tell where she's at - we give it a number 1, 2 or 3 (out of 5 we use the Incredible Five Point Scale)

[Kleinzeit]

The catastrophising may not work for all children. It would raise my DS’s anxiety because he was very literal minded, he would believe that the worst really might happen! For my DS what worked best was knowing what could happen a bit in advance. I could tell him "well the train is due now, it will be here in between 5 and 10 minutes, trains are often a few minutes later than the timetable says". And I use the word “approximately” a lot My DS absolutely hates to be laughed at, if I ever wanted to escalate a tantrum to the point of violence then laughing at him would be the quickest way! So kids do vary and if things don’t seem to work you may need to try other things instead.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Though it was a bit disconcerting seeing my name on her top.....

[lougle]

That's very helpful. I think the anxiety is key right now. I love the idea of catastrophising with her. I do it a lot with DD3, because she laughs and then she can't be cross any more. DD2 tends to get angrier, but perhaps I haven't been pushing it hard enough?

One thing DD2's stuck on at the moment is saying 'and don't you dare even think about laughing about it!' - our fault, I suspect, because she can be very funny in a rage, especially if it is such a minor issue which she is raging about.