Help needed

[CyrstalStar]

Please can anyone tell me what the difference Iain terms of help at a mainstream school between having an IEP and being on school action or school action plus. It may not be a clear cut difference so forgive me if this is not making sense. My ds is getting an IEP but no SChool action . Does this mean any less help will be offered, is it about no outside help. Please can someone explain. Thank you

Sorry you are having such a hard time - DS2 (7) hit me yesterday morning when he refused to give up his Ipod after a countdown. I physically took it off him rather than him handing it to me (I had always wondered what would happen if I got to 5 and he hadn't given it to me). He doesn't have meltdowns though.

DS1 on the other hand has serious meltdowns and is a hitter (I get off lightly but he punches, kicks, hits on the head with the heel of his shoe and has threatened DH with a knife several times). I get off lightly because I learned years ago that DS1 was only going to get bigger and stronger. He still has meltdowns (12) because I don't control the world and sometimes, for example, next-day delivery does not actually mean next day and sometimes it rains. But there is some stuff that I can control. I agree with the others about visual timetables, countdowns etc.

Number 1 preventative measure is mood management - keep things calm and happy (not easy when you are seething). If there are TV comedies that he likes (you've been framed, mr bean etc) and you watch together, recall funny bits. If his 'happy place' is different use that to conjure a shared image. Do this BEFORE you give him instructions and then whilst he is talking walk to the task (getting dressed) and either slip in instructions if he remains calm when you do this or hand the next item to clothing to him as you share a happy memory. Don't worry - this is not the desired endpoint but is just a stage. This is good for him and good for you. Removes daily confrontation that leads to not liking your child

DH needs to wise up and get with the programme!

This is what I would do with the situation you describe if it was happening with DS. (This is to give you ideas, not claim it as the right way).

I would forget about the 'things' and try and define the behaviour. The behaviour is that ds becomes aggressive when being asked to stop a highly preferred activity.

Then there are few things I might try.

One is: Remove the highly preferred activity completely for a while. Introduce a preferred activity that isn't so 'addictive' and practice short slots of the activity being stopped with a reward of a highly motivational toy/piece of food/praise, whatever. So what you are practising first, is him stopping an activity when you say so, of something he isn't that bothered about stopping, and then when you have that level of 'control' you can increase the level of preference, finally introducing back the phone.

Another way is to simply start with the phone, and practice stopping him from using it purely for the practice when it matters much less whether he does or not (that will reduce the anxiety on you as you are just practising the skill, not trying to get him to learn/complete the skill at the same time as not be late for school etc.). So let him have it. Tell him it is for 5 minutes only. After 5 minutes remove it. He can have it back in 10 minutes if he hands it without complaint. If he complains a little it will be 15 minutes, if a lot, half an hour. You can set a timer!?

Overall, I would prefer the former strategy as this is not phone-specific but a general lesson about doing as you have asked without aggression, and for a more 'addictive' activity like a phone it will be harder for him to control his emotional state without having had a lot of practice in less stressful situations.

My ds has communication difficulties that means a detailed discussion won't be understood very easily, so it is easier to just give bullet point rules and tell him what they are.

You need to do what works best for you and DS. It sounds like both you and DH are stressed (understandably) but this means that DS is going to be living in a stressful environment and so is 'primed' to react extremely to day to day things which then increases the stress you and DH experience. You absolutely need to find techniques that work for you but it may be that you need to bring down the stress levels of everyone to give them the best possible chance of success.

DS2 is highly demand avoidant but usually this is passive resistance. He is more demand avoidant the more stressed he and the rest of the family are. One sure fire way to elevate everybody's stress is to ask DS2 to do or not do something. I have to get him to do what I want him to do without actually asking him to do it. That way I praise him when he has done the task instead of a 15 minute battle to get him to do it. If he is engrossed in something else he will ignore the request completely and not even respond to his name. If not engrossed he will also ignore the request - any request it's just more noticeable with the morning/bedtime/bathtime/teeth-cleaning routines - and look for/find something else that he 'has' to do.

Sometimes when he is particularly resistant this is non-verbal - handing him his toothbrush but not telling him to brush his teeth - and sometimes this is verbal 'clean your teeth, thank you' rather than the request 'please clean your teeth'. This is why visual prompts are useful - you are not asking him to do something he is just following the routine.

Ipod addiction is also an issue for DS2 and is my key carrot. But day to day routines are the biggest headache as DS2 does not see them as a reward. I use the Ipod as a lure 'when you have done X, then you can have your Ipod'.