My father in-law has what was known as Aspergers. My husband has PDA and my son has Aspergers (mild autism). I can CLEARLY see the differences between Aspergers and PDA! My teenage son seems to have high morals, actually appears to find lying impossible to do! Almost always carry’s out any tasks I ask of him, has never been in any “trouble” in school. Has A/B grades in every subject, showers every day (without being asked), has asked to have braces to straighten his teeth (getting them next week). He also takes an interest in fashion and enjoys having new clothes. When he was younger (14 years old now) he was far more “difficult” he had “melt downs” from around one years old to about seven years old. Any change of routine could cause a melt down! He wouldn’t socialise in places such as soft play areas and birthday parties (just use to sit on my lap). Cried EVERY day going to nursery school. Emotionless looking little face, always seemed to look sad to me.
But every year he has aged it’s got BETTER. No longer has any melt down ever! Will laugh and smile like any other “normal” person (what ever normal means!). Now actually enjoys school, has a lovely group of friends. He also plays football (although not the greatest due to balance issues) but it doesn’t matter he enjoys! There are “differences” for example after school he needs to decompress and goes to his bedroom. He is fine now with a change of routine, no melt downs. But he will have questions and needs them answering such as - what time are we going shopping, we’re are we going, what time will we be back. I have also noticed that he really doesn’t do “small talk”. He is a lovely teenager, who wouldn’t hurt a fly, is bright and dare I say it, he is even popular! I believe he will be just fine.
My husband who has PDA is a Deputy Head Teacher. We have known each other since we were teenagers. There is a MASSIVE difference between his PDA and our sons Aspergers! I find PDA much more challenging and difficult to cope with! He seems to tell lies even when there is no reason to do so and even when he knows that he will be “found out” he still lies! When he was a teenager in sixth form I use to phone him up to tell him to get out of bed and go to school to to his A level classes. He just couldn’t seemed bothered to get out of bed, the teachers would warn him that he was going to fail his A levels. BUT he is bright, so somehow he actually got good grades without hardly ever attending school!! His mother told me that as a baby/young child he was a nightmare and that’s why they only had one child. Apparently he didn’t sleep right through until he was about 10 years old. As a child and teenager he use to take any ball such as a football or even a golf ball and throw it as hard as he could against any wall in the house! He did tell me that his mother would ask him to stop and he would carry on, eventually his mother would go after him with the slipper and he STILL wouldn’t stop. He went to University made one friend, didn’t socialise in uni but socialised with his old friends at home. His idea of socialising was to drink until he passed out or to take drugs. This went on from about 18 years old to 25 years old. He did all sorts of drugs! never became addicted but he tried everything! I would try to be the voice of reason! Reminding him that if he was caught his career in teaching would be over before it even began! After he eventually stopped with the drugs then came the worsening use of alcohol! I mean we all like a drink and I was out every weekend myself! However at the end of the night when other girls would go home with their boyfriends, my boyfriend was nowhere to be found as his night would be either him going home early as he was too drunk to be let in the nightclub or he would be in hospital! He would always “promise” never to drink like that again and I would always believe him, but of course he continued! He got a first class Psychology degree and then did a teaching qualification. His “brightness” has always blinded people to the fact that he has anything wrong with him, let alone PDA. He refused to wear shirt and tie to school when he was in his first year of teaching (he was the TEACHER! 😂) and the headteacher had to take him aside and give him a warning about the ways he dressed! Although the kids love him and he gets excellent results! After a few years of teaching he made deputy head he now no longer wears tie and shirt! Today was the last day of term and he comes home with 30 plus cards ALL saying the same thing! Thanking him for being a fantastic teacher, that he has made their child “like” school, how much they have enjoyed etc etc
Yet at home, I have to hide my money and credit cards or he will steal from me! He refuses to learn how to cook and will only heat up ready meals, it will take at least two weeks of begging to get one light bulb changed! The down stairs bathroom has had no floor tiles for three years (the new tiles I bough are in the garage). He cheated on me when I was pregnant with our first child, I was very ill when I was pregnant and he told me that I couldn’t give him what he needed so he went to get it off someone else! I should have left there and then and I did for about two weeks and then he came crawling back, although he wasn’t exactly full of remorse. I just wasn’t strong enough at the time to leave when I was heavily pregnant. When I was in labour for 28 hours he actually got relaxed enough to fall asleep, doesn’t ever seem to get “worried” about me. If I ask him to do something then he definitely won’t do it! It doesn’t matter if I explain how important it is, he just won’t and when pushed will turn around and say something like - YOU DO IT! So that’s why it was me on my own who has painted the hallway and both children’s bedrooms. His defiance seems to be getting worse as he gets older or maybe it’s because I need him more so I’m noticing his often cruel behaviour. For example, I had an early morning phone call saying my mother had been rushed into hospital I asked him to come to the hospital with me and he said “no”. I then calmly explained that I didn’t want to be alone if my mother was going to die that I needed him with me. He still said “no” and then he walked out on me crying and went to school. He didn’t phone me from school to see how my mother was until 3pm and then didn’t understand why I was so upset when he got home. Many years ago when I fell down the stairs and broke my foot he stepped over me crying on the floor and went to work! I had to phone my father to take me to the hospital. He doesn’t seem to notice dangerous situations (or maybe he just doesn’t care) EVERY accident the children have had have been when he was alone looking after them. For example he left the baby gate open upstairs and the baby fell down the stairs! He let go of our sons hand in a car park and he almost got run over! No matter how many times I ask him to shut all windows before going out or going to bed he just doesn’t bother! So it means I have to get up and recheck everything. The list just goes on and on it’s exhausting! To be honest I feel that I don’t matter to him and that he sees me as an object to use, to get something from. Of course him having PDA isn’t his fault I understand that, but after 25 years of cold and selfish behaviour my love and care for him has all but disappeared and I have asked him to move out. I mean it’s been 25 years, I’m all for supporting a person and caring for them but I too would like to experience some support and care! I don’t want to just give and give anymore. I mean I don’t think I’m asking too much - please can you not steal from me, if you need/want money just ask or take it but then tell me that you have taken some money. Don’t lie about it! Again I know it’s not his fault but the effect on me and the children is the same! It’s a negative effect and to live a life without mutual support and care is extremely difficult. It chips away and then one day I just couldn’t forgive anymore, I couldn’t move on anymore. I just wanted to be free of him and now I see him as one massive weigh on my shoulders.