perfectionism/anxiety - school approach

[Manchego1]

Hi,
I just wondered whether anyone had any experience.
My son has always been anxious and we have had support from CAMHS and now the HLW at school. He's 8 and his first school flagged up anxious behaviours in Yr1 (constant movement, grimacing, playing with everything, avoidance and huge meltdowns at home) He found learning hard and took a while to make the connections at school with reading, writing and maths but is making good progress. To me he was always very bright but seemed unable to apply anything he learnt. Writing is still a challenge. We have worked hard with him to build his esteem and recall of facts in a non pressured way (I was a teacher for 10 yrs) and he's had interventions at school and he actually enjoys doing online times tables etc now - a massive improvement.
It's just very weird being on the other side (with a child that doesn't enjoy school and constantly says he finds learning hard) At times he begs not to go in and locks himself away. He goes into this 'mask mode' at school, trying to look like he's doing everything needed and we still have outbursts/ meltdowns after school. At the last parent meeting school said they're doing everything - basically you've created a perfectionist. That's holding him back. Of course, major parent guilt.
My twin brother is currently undergoing assessment for ADHD. His children are both neurodiverse and my father without doubt has ADHD - my cousins on his side are neurodiverse. My twin and his wife are convinced my son has ADHD and my mum is always saying he reminds her of my twin growing up.
I don't really know what to do, school have kind of wiped their hands of any possibility of any other need for my son. It seems when you get the label of anxiety, everything is put on that.
Do we just wait and see how he goes, continuing all our mindfulness, CAMHS anxiety support tools etc. I just remember my brother's experience at school. He's doing really well now.

[Manchego1]

I should probably say that he also has always shown signs of dyspraxia and school said they were going to screen him for dyslexia at the beginning of the year but now say his writing/spelling/ skipping longer words in reading are more based on anxiety.
He is a sensory seeker, no idea of personal space and is very definite about what clothes he can wear (labels, seams, toughness). He wears his hood up whenever possible. CAMHS thought his eating issues could be Arfid but the GP was very supportive but realistic - he'd be very far down the list so there's not much he could do. My son was bouncing around the room, fiddling with everything, went to the toilet (in the 10 mins!) and then asked him to tell him a dr dr joke when asked if he had any questions 😂Hopefully the dr will have noted this down.
I just keep going back and forward. Awful parent guilt.

[CoffeeMama89]

It has taken me until year 6 with my son to get the school to listen. Ask for the school to bring in an educational psychologist. This year the head of send at my child’s school brought one in after me telling the school they were failing my son. After a few meetings and the educational psychologist watching my child in class she agreed that school should push forward with an adhd assessment. The lady I had was brilliant, she listened to both me and my child and not just what the school had to say. She saw that anything she asked to be put in place for him was ignored. I still have a long wait for his assessment but I’m so grateful for her he is finally on the list. I could have asked the doctor but honestly felt like I wouldn’t have the backing from the school with his assessment forms until after I had the reports from the EP.

[Headfirstintothewild]

Have you spoken to the SENCO or just the class teacher? Support in schools is based on needs, not diagnosis, so even if it is ‘just’ anxiety the school should be providing more support. The coke bottle effect signifies unmet needs at school.

You could also request an EHCNA. It is possible to get an EHCNA even if the school could do more but won’t. The assessments (ed psych, OT, SALT) an EHCNA could include will help everyone understand DS’s needs better and inform the support he requires. With the current situation in schools, unless there are severe difficulties/disruption an EP assessment outwith the EHCNA process is unusual from the LA or school these days.

If writing is a challenge, has DS tried using a laptop? Any assistive technology?

If you think DS has DCD, ADHD &/or ASD have you asked for referrals? If the school won’t, ask the GP.

[Manchego1]

Thank you so much for your replies.
We saw the SENCo at the beginning of Year 2 but it’s only been teacher and then pastoral team since then.
The teacher has said ‘we’re doing everything we can at school’. So closed that door.
I need to get over the parent worry/ guilt a bit. Be a bit calmer this weekend and make a plan B to go forward with really.

[Headfirstintothewild]

Request to speak to the SENCO again, The school could do more.

[PinguLovesPippa]

Everything they can may not be enough. I echo what was said above: if you are getting the coke bottle effect he is not being supported adequately either through lack of knowledge of what his needs actually are, lack of resources or lack of expertise.

Perfectionism isn’t uncommon in autistic children. They should be working round it and helping to build his self esteem not blaming everything on it.

It sounds like you have a rather misunderstood child who is trying his very best to fit in and do what is asked of him but, because he is neurodivergent, he just can’t bend far enough to where everyone wants him to be. At some point soon the world around him needs to adjust to him a bit more so that he doesn’t completely burnout, drop out of education and/or develop significant mental health problems.

[Manchego1]

@PinguLovesPippa thank you. This is what I feel like - he’s misunderstood.
I have felt like that throughout out his schooling. Is it common for boys to mask? He’s a gentle, kind boy - very sensitive and caring.

I feel he has this internal chaos going on at school, his mind is constantly on the go. The anxiety is forcing him to try and be the same as others.

He literally can’t sit for dinner - one bum cheek on the chair and then off he goes when he’s finished (eating 100 miles an hour) I feel like his mind operates like that. He crashes and then is low and cuddly, leaning into me for days when we walk to school.
When we get through the school gate he literally runs off from us, it’s like he has to ‘gear himself up’ for the day. We have to drop off his younger sibling.
The way school talk to us though the blame is on us. The year started well and I had this elation as they (teacher and pastoral team) were talking about getting him on the CAMHs pathway. Now they have decided it’s perfectionism/ anxiety holding him back. We need to develop his growth mindset - which I’m well aware off as this was a real strength in my classroom and something I’ve always tried to nurture at home.

I then get this imposter syndrome. This is what I’m struggling with at the moment.

[PinguLovesPippa]

Oh yes, boys definitely mask!
I’ve found some school staff are very good at making you feel like you, as a parent, are the problem and/or that your child is a problem/naughty/not trying hard enough whilst others can make you feel almost the opposite, like it is the system that is failing your child, that your child is valued by them just the way they are and that you are a good parent.

In your shoes I would be applying for an EHNCA myself, and then preparing to appeal a refusal to assess and/or refusal to issue, and:or the contents of the final plan. I would also be pursuing assessments for possible neurodiversity. Start now. It takes ages.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/

https://sossen.org.uk/

https://www.autism.org.uk/