SEN in smaller school

[KrisKringle23]

Hi, I'm hoping that some of you who have walked this path already might be able to share your experience.

DD 7 suffers from (what seems to me) some pretty extreme dysregulation. I massively blame myself because I had severe perinatal mental illness and was on a variety of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. In any case, she was pretty wired from the day she was born - very hypertonic, colicky, cried literally non-stop for 9 hours a day for the first 3 months, woke every 45 minutes for the first year of her life, would only settle with a very particular hold and pressure. Obviously she couldn't help any of this and she must have been in lots of discomfort and distress. I guess I'm saying it to illustrate that her behaviour now is by no means new.

As a toddler, when others were having tantrums, hers were always that more extreme in intensity and duration - think ripping a door off its hinges age 3. But where her peers grew out of it, DD has only got worse - more frequent, more violent.

She's very bright and super able at maths. On the face of it she is the model pupil at school - but terrified of being in trouble. The issue is that I think she is just bottling up a lot of anxiety/energy etc and it's coming out at home. The meltdowns (screaming, hitting, kicking, scratching her face, knocking over furniture) are getting more frequent outside of school. They now happen every morning when she's getting dressed, every walk home from school and every time she's asked to get ready for bed.

It breaks my heart to see other parents and children looking at her, judging us, as she walks home screaming and hitting. I know this is a symptom of her distress bottled up and hate the staring. I try to get her to sit somewhere quiet and be held, but she's so strong, it just makes it worse.

I have spoken to the school's senco and they are very much wait and see. Meanwhile no adjustments are being made in school. I feel so frustrated because, for example, she comes home with a full water bottle (she doesn't remember to drink if not prompted), half eaten lunch (she's incredibly restricted with food, so has packed lunch, but won't stay to eat if she can't sit in the same seat, with the same friends), no library book (because she was overwhelmed with the choice).

I look at autism assessments and she doesn't seem to meet their criteria - which is very focused on typical male autism. It leaves me thinking this is down to my shit parenting. I have also tried reading and applying "How to talk...", "Explosive child" etc. I just don't know where to go. Is it worth referring myself for Early Help?

I'm wondering if she would get on better in a smaller village school? Her current school is big and she is in with the year above due to space. Maybe somewhere smaller/quieter would be better - is the SEN provision likely to be better?

I just don't have the skills to help her anymore.

A smaller school isn’t always better. It works for some but not others. It can be hard to integrate and the resources and space at some smaller schools means they aren’t able to provide as much support.

The appearing to cope at school and exploding at home indicates unmet needs at school so go back to the school. A wait and see approach is not acceptable. They need to provide support now. Also, request an EHCNA yourself using one of the model letters on IPSEA’s website.

A good autism assessment will be aware of how girls can present and take that into account.

Thank you, that is really helpful. I hadn't heard of IPSEA and it looks like their website has a lot of really useful resources.

Yes, IPSEA has lots of helpful information and has an advice line. Also look at SOSSEN.

Also, you know your child best! I could tell there was something different about mine but wasn't sure what. She was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD at 7 but the school issues had been there since reception and other issues since age 3.

Weirdly she was a dream baby. I think being a baby is nice when you have ADHD maybe. So many new and sparkly things...

You have to be quite pushy to get anywhere with SEN so do as much research as you can and ask for prompting to drink and anything that might help with food as reasonable adjustments, for starters. She can hardly learn if she's hungry and thirsty.

I spoke to my sister this weekend (who has previously worked in autism assessment) and she was very assertively saying that even with a diagnosis, EHP's are impossible to get round this way. Pretty disheartening. I'm not interested in a diagnosis or EHP for the sake of it, it's just that I'm not sure how else to get DD the help she desperately needs.

They are hard to get but it is not because children don't meet the legal tests for them to be assessed and an EHCP issued. It's because councils are deliberately rationing them to parents who are willing to take them to tribunal (which is free and which around 95% of parents win).

You have got nothing to lose by filling in the paperwork.

In the meantime I would involve your sister less.

Your sister is incorrect. You may have to appeal, potentially more than once, but it is possible to get an EHCP whatever LA you live in, diagnosis or no diagnosis (EHCPs are based on needs, not diagnosis). Ultimately, it isn’t the LA who has the final say.

Okay thank you, that's reassuring to hear.