Private school doesn't want ds

[DorothyL]

Once the "senco" heard about what his needs are she suggested this might not be the school for him...
Weird and slightly upsetting feeling but hey ho

[Trying2bgd]

I know this is a slightly old thread but thought I would put down my experience at her private school (year 3-6). My dd1 has dyslexia but it was not diagnosed until year 6. She struggled and I helped her 'work hard' to keep up. She had a terrible relationship with one of the teachers who pretty much hated her due to the fact she wasn't performing and doing what was expected, she pulled my daughter's hair and took her stuff and threw it in the bin! I complained and the Head said yes this teacher isn't very good with kids who are not A-B types ie academic and compliant. He had a word and she kept her distance from then on. Other teachers were better but still labelled her as not bright just creative as they just couldn't handle any form of SEN! She is a super resilient kid and despite everything pretty happy at home but I didn't realise the long term ramifications of 4 years of being labelled as such. She is in Year 9 now and decided to have counselling. From it we have discovered the terrible effect it has had on her self esteem and confidence which has resulted in her difficulties connecting with her peer group as she is afraid to say or do anything which might be deemed stupid, this in turn makes her socially awkward. She is not the bottom of the class but assumes she is. I feel like a failure as I should have spotted it earlier but as she just got on with things, I thought everything was fine. What I am saying I guess is that if a school doesn't have supportive teachers as well as SEN support don't send them no matter how great the school is supposed to be. This bloody school was and is a very sought after London prep, I can't express how much I regret sending my dd1 here now but all I can do now is move forward and support my child.

[TheDeskIsMyHome]

My experience is it depends entirely on the school in question & attitude of the SENCO and head (private or state)

[TheSnorkMaidenReturns]

Some private schools are well set up for certain SEN but many are academically selective and simply aren't set up to support a wide range of needs.

I have a high ability DC with HFAS (think obvious Russell Group potential - prob not Oxbridge). Many private schools say they do not accept children with AS. We have a great local secondary, where children with SEN get really good support. They're particularly good at HFAS and related sprectrummy needs.

I had always imagined I would send my kids private for secondary but there's no doubt at all he's getting a far better education at the state school than he would at the private one. Mind you, I didn't know how great the local comprehensive was when I formed my initial views about private being 'better'!

You need to look carefully at each individual school, and not decide on the state/private line.

[Ohmuther]

A friends DS (15) with HFA is thriving in a state secondary with really good SEN support. They have break out small group teaching and lunch and break support. I think it's all about how clued up and proactive the SENCO is. You need them on side. Good luck

[Redlocks28]

The private schools here will reluctantly take/keep children with SEN but will make it clear that the child needs a 1:1 TA. Paid for by the parents...!

[DorothyL]

Muddledmike that's atrocious!

I'm in Gloucestershire if anyone knows anything for the area.

[JosephineMaynard]

It's shame, but better they tell you now, before he starts.

I have a friend with a reception age child with SN - private school were made aware of the child's needs, said they could manage them fine. The parents have now been asked to remove the child because the school have decided that actually, they can't manage.

It's not even half term yet. And with so many state primary schools nearby being oversubscribed, this is really going to damage the child's chances of getting into a state primary school that can meet their needs.

[user1466518624]

You poor thing, I have every sympathy as my ds had his Reception place withdrawn in May. We have put him state but to be honest the support does not exist. Through threads here I have found a lovely indie that is very welcoming but they don't really advertise it as ultimately it is a mainstream school. I am happy to give it a shot as other mumsnetters in similar circumstances are very positive and they do have a small specialist unit if it is needed for extra help. Whereabouts are you? If you don't want to say feel free to pm and I may be able to point you in the right direction. The schools are out there but have to be seeked out.

[insan1tyscartching]

Dsil pulled dn out of state school when they wanted to get an ed psych in to see him. Put him into independent school where they kept him but didn't necessarily address his difficulties (almost certain he has ASD/ dyspraxia and other co morbids) He was very isolated throughout, few peers so even fewer opportunities for friendships, bottom of the year every year which destroyed him.
He managed mediocre GCSEs unbelievably though, whether dsil was deluded or whether the school hadn't been open about dn's abilities, dsil trawled him round RG unis and was planning for him to go to St Andrews after A levels. He barely scraped an A2 pass all for £15k pa.
Dn would undoubtedly have had more support in state school, his first school was very anxious to call in Ed Psych and refer to health services and get him support but sil scuppered all that because she sees any sort of learning difficulty as something shameful and the independent school babysat him rather than enabled him.

[Fairylea]

Private schools are well known on the whole for being dreadful for pupils with sen. Thank goodness you found out before you enrolled your child.

[Muddledmike]

Been there. Most I've contacted haven't even let us view!

[DorothyL]

Thanks all.

State secondary sen dept was very welcoming this week. I just really liked the sound of the small classes!

[notagiraffe]

It can depend on the SEN. They seem more amenable if the SEN doesn't impact too much on academic work. That said, DS2 is at a very academic independent school, and though he is bright enough to be there, his SEN pull down his marks in exams to barely a pass rate. There has never been a suggestion that he needs to move on, only unstinting support and encouragement. I love his school.

[hmcAsWas]

'was'

[hmcAsWas]

"Don't be upset. Thank your lucky stars and put your child in a state school where they will get suitable support"

Massive and inaccurate generalisation. Dd's state primary school were utterly shit at supporting her. Things hugely improved when she want to and independent school in Y7

[hmcAsWas]

My dd has dyslexia - her private school took her and she has thrived there. It was a great choice for her, I get a highly personalised and responsive service if there are any issues, and the class sizes are tiny (12 students)....However the same school did turn down the son of my friend - he has global delay. Friend tried a couple of other private schools in the area with the same outcome. He has just started Y7 in a local state school and by all accounts he has settled in well and they are happy.

[Bekksy]

Don't be upset. Thank your lucky stars and put your child in a state school where they will get suitable support.

[minipie]

Sorry to hear that. I have a child with some SN and everything I've read says state schools are better for SN and most private schools are not great - with a few exceptions. We are going private for DD nonetheless (as we are in a state catchment black hole) but have chosen the school veerrry carefully - for example it's not selective - and are crossing our fingers that her needs turn out to be mild. May I ask whereabouts you are? Are there other schools that might be more welcoming?

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I'm really sorry if you're disappointed, but honestly, best they tell you now.

Funnily enough I was just reading a thread in local where a poster is talking about a private school assessment to another poster and she said 'the assessment was just a chat to check she didn't have any SN they couldn't support' And not one of the posters talking about assessments has picked up on it - I guess it's just how it is. You pay your money, you take your choice - as long as you don't have SN

I think you've had a lucky escape