Baby cries when rocking to sleep before bedtime

[Jinglejanglegiraffe]

Desperately looking for ideas please!

DD is 4.5 months old and until a couple of weeks ago would fall asleep at night after feeding whilst being cuddled and we'd pop her in her crib. The last week or so she's finished feeding and immediately started to wimper which quickly turns in to hysterical crying whilst me or my partner try and rock her to sleep. She eventually drops off after 20-30mins of rocking but is crying for a lot of the time which is heartbreaking. We've had a simple bedtime routine of bath, PJs, feed, bed since she was around 10weeks and it used to work really well until recently when the crying started

We're bottle feeding mostly formula (breastfeeding nightmare that stopped at 10weeks ish) and she's definitely getting enough over 24hrs so I don't think could be hungry. She naps pretty well, mostly in the carrier (first nap of the day is normally in her crib after being rocked to sleep), and has a last short nap of the day at 5ish so there's around a 2hr wake window before bedtime so is tired but normally not 'overtired' (although sometimes I'm sure she is if the rocking takes too long!)

I'm not sure what to do to help her not be so unhappy before bed, we're happy to rock her to sleep but it's heartbreaking that she gets so unhappy! Also at some point it would be nice if she'd be able to start going to sleep on her own without rocking but I'm not sure how we start even thinking about 'drowsy but awake' as there's no window between feeding and sleep that she isn't sad and I don't want to put her down crying

Any suggestions or even others who have experienced anything similar - I'm starting to think we're the only people it's happening to and I don't know what to do to help it be a calmer bedtime

[MBM18]

Hi OP, have you actually tried putting her down after her bottle instead of rocking her to sleep? Maybe with a bit of guidance, she'll be able to get off to sleep without being rocked.

Another thought - maybe try putting an extra oz in her bottle, my DD sometimes cries at the end of a bottle because she wants more.

[Lookingforbikestorage]

You poor things. I hope that you find a solution soon.

I’ll caveat this by saying perhaps chat with your health visitor for ideas as he/she will have lots better ones than mine! - but for what it’s worth do you bottle feed your little one before bed? If so, does she finish the bottle? If she does, and you haven’t already tried, perhaps offer her a bit more formula if she cries after finishing her first bottle. My little one went through a phase of wanting a little more milk (literally a few sips) before bed. It didn’t last long and I suspect she was having a growth spurt. Might be worth a try at least to strike it off the list.

[Lookingforbikestorage]

Or it could be the actual bedtime? Could she do an earlier third nap, or a slightly later bedtime? She might be starting to transition out of 3 naps? That might be worth a go too.

Good luck.

[Okayornot]

When mine did this (around this age too) I just figured sometimes babies just need to cry. I don't think crying in a baby necessarily means sadness and for mine I felt like it was just how she wound down after a day of being more alert and so more stimulated than before. If I cuddled her she cried for ages, if I put her down swaddled in the dark she cried for maybe 5 mins and then nodded off. Not for everyone I am sure, and had she cried for much longer I would have been in there, but actually it never lasted terribly long.

[WingSlutz]

My oldest used to sob his heart out while being lovingly rocked by his doting mother. I finally gave up one night and put him in the cot, he relaxed immediately and went to sleep. Turns out he wanted to be left the fuck alone to go to sleep! When he got older we would have a cuddle then he would say, 'want to go back in the cot' .
Your baby is quite possibly knackered- try putting them in the cot, stay in the room and see what happens.

[MumMumMumMumMumMumMum]

Have you tried laying her down soon after feeding? I was in this situation and we spent weeks rocking and talking, singing, consoling. One night I just thought I can't stand and do this for 30 minutes without going for a wee so had to lay her down really quick and run to toilet. Intending to come back and start over. But actually she was sleeping, all she wanted was for us to stop fussing!

[Jinglejanglegiraffe]

Thanks everyone

@MumMumMumMumMumMumMum I can give that a go. We were going to start popping her down down after the feed just to give her time to be in her crib on her own with the hope she'd get used to it and one day fall asleep (!) but wanted to do it when she was calm and would go back in if she cried, but there now isn't any cheerful window between the bottle and us rocking, would you leave her for a minute crying and just see if she can settle? I feel awful doing that but also think she's obviously not happy with our attempts at the moment so am up for anything that could mean less crying!

[Jinglejanglegiraffe]

@Lookingforbikestorage she does finish the bottle, we tried adding an extra ounce a few days ago to see if that helped and she eats the extra but no change on what happens afterwards. When she finishes she grizzles a bit rather than immediately crying and then it escalates as we try and calm her down (doh!) We could try and add a bit more but she seems to be a baby who very rarely won't eat what's offered but will be sick after it's too much so am a bit nervous to add too much more!

[Saymyname28]

I remember DS going through a phase where he'd just scream for an hour in the evening for what felt like no reason at all. I treated it like trapped gas, the things you do for trapped gas seem to be the only things that kept the screaming at a gentle cry. Maybe their suck has got a bit stronger and they're pulling in air aswell?

[Jinglejanglegiraffe]

@WingSlutz we can def give this a go, and staying in the room feels better than leaving her to cry. Did you have to do any consoling in the cot or did your baby just go to sleep on their own? Had they ever managed to do that before? She's never fallen asleep without some kind of assistance so it feels like a bit of a stretch to think she's just going to drop off but I guess we won't know until we try!

[TwinkleStarWhatAre]

At this age i managed to get my boy off rocking and onto bum pats after i put them in the cot, initially with lots of long ssssshhh noises and slowly faded them out. My arms were so thankful but my wrists then hurt for months 😭

Something to try! He's 21 months now and has slept like a dream for about 6 months. Although he still likes a few bum pats if he's having trouble falling asleep!

[WingSlutz]

Aw @Jinglejanglegiraffe I completely understand. I hate hearing my babies cry 😢. Honestly though I think my little guy just changed and I was playing catch up with him! Give it a go, if it's worse then at least you know. Btw my baby is now 11 but I still remember those anxious hours of rocking and crying myself

[MyLadyTheKingsMother]

@WingSlutz

My oldest used to sob his heart out while being lovingly rocked by his doting mother. I finally gave up one night and put him in the cot, he relaxed immediately and went to sleep. Turns out he wanted to be left the fuck alone to go to sleep! When he got older we would have a cuddle then he would say, 'want to go back in the cot' .
Your baby is quite possibly knackered- try putting them in the cot, stay in the room and see what happens.

This. My second born was exactly the same

[Pickles2023]

I figured my LO does it when she is overtierd and cranky.

I either put her straight in cot, then just hold her hand till she is proper asleep 😂

Or i sit/hold her next to me on the sofa, she will unwind enough to start calming down to pop in cot. i feel she is an independent baby, shes never really liked cuddles 😞 always liked her own space.

If i tried to rock my baby she would have a hissy fit 😂😂 i would get so upset.

Theyre all different, so just got to try a variety of things to see what works for them.

But i always freak when she cries a lot, i know its normal but i panic...still waiting for the anxiety to leave..

[Jinglejanglegiraffe]

@TwinkleStarWhatAre how did you manage the transition? Our knees / backs could def do with less rocking but I have no idea how to start changing to anything else! We're also doing lots of shhing in her ear, I think the more she cries the harder we try to console / help her drop off which probably is making the whole thing more stressful for everyone!

[Rosesanddaisies1]

Try not rocking then? Mine always disliked it, they wanted their own space! And better long term to learn to fall asleep on their own

[TwinkleStarWhatAre]

@Jinglejanglegiraffe

@TwinkleStarWhatAre how did you manage the transition? Our knees / backs could def do with less rocking but I have no idea how to start changing to anything else! We're also doing lots of shhing in her ear, I think the more she cries the harder we try to console / help her drop off which probably is making the whole thing more stressful for everyone!

Do both together. So for a few days do what you normally do but pat them whilst rocking. Once you've established pats as a comfort to fall asleep, after a few days you can then try to put them in the cot literally the second they fall asleep. You know how if you do it too soon they wake? That's what you want, because a soon as put them down and they start, you continue pats and increase intensity of shhing. You basically need them to be on the cusp of sleep to get this to work, as once you've managed it a few times, it gets easier and easier

[Jinglejanglegiraffe]

@Pickles2023 I think you're right about overtired and overstimulated, we're going to try bringing bed time earlier tonight and see if that helps - worst case we just finish the 30mins of crying earlier and get a bit of time together afterwards in the evening 😂 might also try reading a story after the bottle (in a boring voice 😂) to help with the wind down. We're finding she takes longer to fall asleep for all snoozes now she's a bit older so maybe it's too much to expect her to go from bath to feed to bed so quickly...

The silly thing is, the more she cries the harder I rock her 🤦🏻‍♀️ just feels like a knee jerk reaction but probably isn't helping!

[sleephelpp]

@Jinglejanglegiraffe how are you getting on? In the past few days my 5 mo has started screaming when being rocked to sleep too.

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Have you tried popping a dummy in straight after the bottle?

Also, I really remember my baby didn't want to be rocked to sleep at this age almost like he got too big and uncomfortable for it. He has since restarted at over one he needs rocking again! In the meantime, I put him in his next to me cot and gently shook that (same motion as if pushing buggy bag and forwards) and that seemed to rock him to sleep.

Assuming he has lots of tummy time etc in the day to tire him out

[Jinglejanglegiraffe]

@sleephelpp it's a bit of a mixed bag for us, we realised that the shh-ing we were doing was part of the problem so now sing twinkle twinkle over and over (I can hear it in my sleep 😴) which seems to cause less crying and I've realised that rocking with her up over my shoulder is much better (although my partner holds her in a cradle, his arm are much longer!). We're also factoring in the new longer time it takes for her to go to sleep in to the bedtime routine so starting bath time 20mins earlier to avoid overtiredness as much as we can. It hasn't completely solved anything as we still have tears sometimes but they're less frequent and much easier to stop than before (we also have a tag team system so if she gets too unhappy with one of us we swap which seems to calm it down!). Another (potentially circumstantial but we're sticking with it) thing is that we were rocking in the dark and now we leave the bathroom light on as I think the dark was making things worse - opposite of what the books say but who knows 🤷

Mixed results though, we definitely have a calmer bedtime and have even managed 'drowsy but awake' a few times now but we also seem to now be getting hourly / 2 hourly wake ups some nights which is new and exhausting as well as sometimes refusing to go back to sleep at 4am 💤 I've had a gentle sleep consultant recommended so think we might go down that route as we're starting to feel new levels of exhausted! Sorry long message, hope you can figure out a way to avoid the screams they're too sad