Grabby hands stopping 5 month old from falling asleep

[Spoonly]

Hi - sorry this turned out a bit long!

My 5 month old DD has never been an amazing sleeper (very alert, catnapper), but after a lot of work I got into a pretty good rhythm for naps of being able to get her ready, rock/hold her for less than a minute with a dummy in and bit of eye stroking and put her into her cot.

Over the last few weeks however settling her has become so much harder (alongside being more restless and generally having disturbed sleep during what I assume is/was the 4 month sleep regression) - and one of the biggest hindrances is her hands! As soon as I start rocking her, her hand shoots up to grab my face, and if I put her down both of her hands start flailing and she really needs to hold onto my hands or my face (even if she was previously asleep on me). She doesn't reach calmly, she "kneads" and swings my hand around, before very slowly calming down. But if I try to remove my hand, even when she seems really asleep, she starts grabbing away again. If I leave her to try and settle herself she starts grabbing at the dummy instead and pulls it out.
I can see that she's trying to sleep, and it's fine if I do a contact nap (I guess because her hands never have to lose contact with me) but it's becoming increasingly difficult to put her down. This is also becoming a huge problem at night after a feed - she'll be basically asleep on me but sometimes once I put her back in the cot have to hold her hands down for half an hour and if I stop too soon I have to start all over again.

She used to sleep in the love to dream swaddle, then started rolling and is now in the merlin dream suit, which worked wonderfully for several weeks. It's as if she's only just realised she's been unswaddled. :D

Does anyone have any experience with this and maybe some advice? Could it just be a developmental phase while she figures out how to use her hands properly?

Thank you!

[Daffodilsandbees]

Could you try a comforter, so she has something to hold? Both of my kids suck their comforters to help them get to sleep

[Daffodilsandbees]

I did try to wait until 6 months old as worried about safe sleep guidance but I don’t think I quite managed it

[Spoonly]

Thanks for the swift response! I've been trying that - sometimes I can be get her to hold on to something else but mostly she just lets go and finds my hand again. I think it's because she keeps opening and closing her hand so she can't keep it on the right position to comfort herself with. Did you have any techniques for how to get your kids to use the comforter or did they just start doing it themselves?

[Daffodilsandbees]

I’m afraid the long term fix is for her to learn to get to sleep without you. It’s tough but worth doing. Mine were getting to sleep at bedtime and most naps by themselves by that age - you do a little bedtime routine then put them down fully awake. I believe ‘drowsy but awake’ is misleading for babies older than a couple of months and I heard the phrase ‘content and awake’ which resonates better. It will involve some crying / some kind of sleep training and I’m not sure how you feel about that. Personally, best thing I ever did.
Re the comforters, I stuck them in my bra for a few hours so they smelled of me the first few times and within a few weeks baby is sucking, grabbing and giggling at it.

[Daffodilsandbees]

Sleep wasn’t sorted I should add, still had lots of night wakes with my 8 month old (DC2) until 7 months but at least they’re learning that skill and you’re not nap trapped

[Spoonly]

Thanks @Daffodilsandbees. I am mulling the idea of some sort of sleep training. She used to be better at self settling, but seems to have lost the skill (except sometimes at night if she's tired enough, though not consistently). Honestly the main thing holding me back is that she goes to sleep with a dummy - which I tried to avoid for a while but honestly has been such a godsend for naps in particular. And I'm not having to do a hundred dummy runs at night (yet?). So I'm worried the sleep training will essentially turn into a dummy detox, which would be great if it worked but also sounds more difficult, and will mean I lose a useful tool to signal to her to calm down (I already do a routine, which is great, but I think atm it's the dummy that really soothes her - she's particularly oral at the moment!).

[Aparecium]

One of mine was very like that. I used to give her the edge of my cardigan to hold. She would grip it and do this sort tug-twitch until she fell asleep. Once she was properly asleep her hand would relax and I could extricate myself.

[MyLadyTheKingsMother]

Floppy soft toy helped my eldest

[Daffodilsandbees]

Oh that sounds tough. No experience with dummies here I’m afraid.

[vipersnest1]

Try to get her to transition to holding clothing or a toy, but you still stay there while she's going to sleep. Ince have got that established you can try to reduce the time you have to stay with her.

[Spoonly]

Thanks all - will preserve with soft toys and see if anything catches on!

[Aparecium]

Soft toys didn't do anything for my dd at that age. I think she needed the resistance to her tug, which was why holding on to the edge of a stretchy garment that I was wearing worked for her.

[Spoonly]

That makes a lot of sense and feels like it's what my DD needs, too!

[Piggieintgemid]

This is my baby exactly! It's driving me wild, her brother next did this though had a whole bunch of his own things that were equals frustrating. How did you solve this? Please say they grew out of it quickly! I'm doing some gentle sleep training, still using the dummy, but the hands are the thing stopping her rest.

[Sleepymama20]

@Spoonly this sounds like my DD - have you had any success?

[ChocolateRat]

Could it just be a developmental phase while she figures out how to use her hands properly?

I can't let DP go to sleep with a hand resting on me, as shortly after he drifts off, his hand is liable to start intermittently gripping and squeezing, until he's moved into the next stage of sleep. So I guess it it might be a developmental phase, but potentially one that lasts a few decades… 🤣

[Spoonly]

Oops - I wasn't getting notifications for the thread and have just seen the more recent responses! Things got gradually easier with the months - I think it was just a particularly bad phase around 5 months. She is now 9.5 months and much easier to settle, and self settles most nights again. The game changers were: 1) letting her sleep on her front once we were confident she had no problem turning around, 2) dropping to 2 naps at around 6 months and 3) when she learned to reinsert the dummy herself. She now sleeps with several dummies in the cot and tends to hold one in each little fist to fiddle with and as a backup for when she loses the first one! :D

[Piggieintgemid]

Oh my god I forgot I even got this desperate as of course, she's entirely grown out of it! Amazing how despite knowing everything is a phase you still will do anything to solve it or ease the situation. Thank you for following up!