REAL risks of cot death if baby sleeps in another room?

[Angelico]

I hope this thread doesn't open any wounds for people but I really wanted to find out what people did / do about the whole 'rooming in' with baby thing.

Our DD is 9 weeks and EBF. She's sleeping fairly well for such a young baby but some nights she is quite noisy and wakes DH or I with whimpers a good hour before she actually fully wakes up herself for her feed. I sleep with earplugs and radio on quietish white noise which means I don't hear every rustle and murmur otherwise every movement makes me ping awake. DH can't stand earplugs and is a light sleeper.

So my question is: did any of you put your DCs into their own room before 6 months? I know some people who did it at 4 months which seems much more realistic (and attainable!) but HVs etc are obsessed with 6 months. I would love to know the actual SIDS risk for our family - no family history, non-smokers, breast-fed baby, back sleeper, never over-covered, own room next door to our room so we could leave doors open etc. I know people say it helps the baby to hear us breathe but she can't possibly hear us breathe over the low level white noise! We have a monitor and safety mat (Angelcare) thing which we aren't using at the minute because she's always sleeping where we are but could start using it.

I know this is a very emotive subject and I truly hope this doesn't cause pain to people. Sadly because it is so emotive it seems hard to find reliable information about the real risks. It feels like the fear is (understandably) so great because the consequences are so awful - but because of this all the advice is possibly madly over-cautious.

[piprabbit]

DS slept in my bed for about 9 or 10 months.
By around 6 months we would settle him in his cot in his room, but he would come in with me when he fed (and he fed a lot) and then stay with me.

DH moved out to the spare room within about 2 weeks of DS' birth. I got on with my weird night time routines. It was a much nicer way of doing it for all of us than trying to sit there and not wake DH.

[RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief]

If leakage is an issue, try Lansinoh breast pads. They are more expensive, but they are gel filled (despite being very thin) so keep you dryer than the ones that are just sort of cotton padding. I block feed at night in order to be able to get a good amount expressed from the other side in the morning, and Lansinoh pads really work.

[Angelico]

Thank you all for your answers and Missy I am so very sorry for your loss :( Tbh I understand what you're saying about always wondering 'What if?' but the fact you were doing everything 'right' and it still happened is kindof my point. With DD in room I am sleeping with earplugs in and probably wouldn't hear a thing anyway :(

Think we'll aim for 4 months and try and enjoy that time with her in room. As I said to DH this morning, "We'll probably look back at this time with nostalgia - that she was so cute and tiny and slept in our room - when she's Kevin(a) the teenager." :)

And thank you all for your honesty - it's really hard to get a good range of perspectives sometimes.

[LadyIsabellaWrotham]

Agree with wannabe. The sleep expert linked to above was at pains to point out that the SIDS rate for full term bf babies of non smokers was very small, less than one in two thousand, and a possible tiny incremental increase to that risk should not dissuade people from the advantages of co-sleeping. I'd say that the same argument applies to separate sleeping where room sharing is hazardous to the parents' health/ relationship.

I'm so sorry for your loss Missy, but nobody can live their lives so as to eliminate every one-in-ten thousand risk. You don't take these risks wilfully or for no good reason, and you try to minimise them (eg keeping baby in room for four months if you can't face six) but not every risk can or should be avoided. A knackered parent driving the car is also a risk.

I speak here as a long term room sharer.

[WantAnOrange]

Hehe MrsHoarder. Thats what DS wouldve been like had I co-slept with him. Like Angelico I was desperate to get that baby in his own room! DD is a lot quieter...

[MrsHoarder]

Anyway Co-sleeping is hardly the answer to the IP being disturbed whenever her lo murmurs. When I've done it ds has woken more, because every time he woke a but he had the fantastic discovery that he was next to the milk supply.

[forevergreek]

Co sleeping is no longer against fsid guidelines. Just the safe way to co sleep is promoted, as they decided its still safer to have baby in your bed than in a separate room. The fsid is online if anyone wants to read up if unsure

[WantAnOrange]

wannabe the advice isn't that we shouldnt co-sleep, it's that you should plan to co-sleep safely. It is far more dangerous to fall asleep sitting up, feeding your baby than it is to sleep and feed in the 'C' position, if you look at the actual research and statistics.

[SamSmalaidh]

SIDS deaths peak between 2 and 4 months, so it might be worth hanging on til after then if you can.

[wannaBe]

DS went into his own room at nine weeks.

Tbh there are blatant double standards on mn anyway. People will jump on you for putting a baby in their own room because you are "putting your baby at risk," and yet people will happily advise parents to co-sleep even though this too goes against FSID guidelines, and will jump on anyone for daring to say that co sleeping is putting babies at risk.

There are guidelines for co sleeping because so many parents doing it anyway, but the advice is to not co sleep at all and to have baby in a cot next to your bed as being the safest option, but apparently we're not allowed to say that.
So op - do what works for you.

[raininginbaltimore]

12, 2.45 and 5? I wish I was having that much sleep at 9 weeks! My DD is 16 weeks and that is similar to her sleep. I would consider that I good nights sleep!

I wouldn't risk it. Someone has to be that percentage and I would do everything possible to reduce that risk. The back to sleep campaign and putting babies in parent's room reduced SIDs my nearly 40%. You can't ever eradicate it, but can reduce risk. At birth my dd would only sleep on her stomach. I didn't do it. I held her, and took turns and co-slept because I knew that if anything happened I would never forgive myself and would always think I had risked her life just for a little more sleep .

[MrsHoarder]

So sorry for your loss Missy.

op you don't have to feed when your milk comes in, just mop it up with a spare muslin or towel and drop off again. Keep one handy and soon you'll be waking up wondering how this muslin got into your nightie.

Ds is still in our room at 7 months, now in a cot. We honestly don't disturb each other much any more. Except for the night he decided 4am was singing time andsang and blew raspberries for 40minutes whilst I tried not to laugh.

[missymoomoomee]

Thank you ceeveebee and Jilted x

I hope my post doesn't come across as harsh, I just see so much of this 'well my baby will never die from SIDS because I'm doing everything right' attitude and it just doesn't work like that at all.

I'm also fed up of seeing it used as some sort of a threat for perceived bad parenting too. (Not that thats happening on this thread at all but it happens a lot on here)

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Oh missy i am really sorry for your loss. What a well written and insightful post.

[ceeveebee]

Missy, I am so sorry for your loss x

[missymoomoomee]

My son died from SIDS, I had none of the 'risk factors' he was sleeping in his moses basket beside my bed, I woke up half an hour after he was usually have his night feed, I had checked on him an hour before that, and he was gone.

I have to say all this talk of 'when most of the risk is over' sounds a bit naive to say the least. Its not like crossing the road where you know if you stop look and listen before you cross then you are very likely to be safe, this is a syndrome that doesn't discriminate and doesn't look at risk factors. If I were you I would just put up with the inconvenience for a few more months for my own piece of mind (and I would also be using the angel care monitor even when you are sleeping in the same room).

I can tell you that if anything were to happen to your child then you would have the rest of your life to go over everything you could have done and you would find a way to try and blame yourself and if you think there is one single thing you could have done differently then that choice would make you feel sick to your stomach forever more. For me it was putting an extra blanket on because the room was a bit chilly, for the past 14 years I have thought 'what if' every single day, and it isn't a nice feeling :(

[ceeveebee]

If its 1 in a million I wouldn't want to be the 1

[forevergreek]

The risk of house fires are also low, I wouldn't just not have an alarm because the risk is low

A risk is a risk IMO

[RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief]

It's much less than 1%. The overall risk of cot death is something like 0.04% Also the risk declines with age- big drop between 3-4 months.

[forevergreek]

Yes what ceeveebee said..

[ceeveebee]

Its not about you hearing the baby stop breathing., Its about them hearing you, and it reminds them to breathe. To be honest at 9 weeks it sounds like you are getting quite a lot of sleep - I remember getting by on 2-3 hours a night at that stage sometimes!

Even if its only a 1% chance - would you want to be the 1 in a 100?

[SomebodySaveMe]

DS was in his own room at 10 weeks. DD was at 3 months.

[forevergreek]

It's to do with babiesnot dropping into the deepest sleeps when they share room as the noises from parents keep them at a safe sleeping stage. Falling into deep deep sleep is usually when SIDS occurs

[forevergreek]

They are still in room at 3 and 18 months! I would be very wary about moving earlier than 6 months

[Angelico]

Thanks for all your answers. A lot of you are confirming my own suspicions - people do what they have to do to survive. I don't think it will be sustainable to keep her in our room for 6 months because DH and I end up sleeping apart so at least one of us has had a bit of sleep.

Last night was case in point - she fed at 12, went to sleep. She squawked at 02:45 waking me while she slept on happily. She squawked again at 05:15 waking me again and because she murmured a bit my milk came in and boobs seemed to double in size within seconds. She was still deeply asleep but I had to wake her to feed her

And Iggly I guess my question is how real is the risk for our particular circumstances? If we have no other risk factors I can't help thinking that if anything happens it would have happened anyway. And if our DD (God forbid) were to stop breathing I wouldn't hear it even in our room :( - largely because I'm having to sleep with earplugs in anyway.

Going to try and get to 3-4 months when hopefully the worst of the risk is over, then move her into her own room.