Single parenthood: why it rules

[KateSMumsnet]

A recent study has found that children raised by a single parent are just as happy as those raised by two biological parents. Fortuitously, at the time the study was published we were already putting together a page about the best things about being a single parent, based on Mners' posts.

We'd love to hear your reaction to this study, as well as your experiences of being a single parent. Are you content with your family set-up? If you had previously been in a dual-parent relationship, is your life better or worse than it was before? Got any wise tips for being a fulfilled lone parent while raising happy kids? As ever, please let us know what you think.

[ILoveCoreyHaim]

Am i really a single parent, i dont think i am as i am not doing it all alone although i have my own money, do all the housework, i just don't live with their dad anymore so i cant compare my situation to a single parent of 3 doing it alone with no help

[AreYouSirius]

I'm not a single parent, or any sort of parent, but I have been raised by a single parent. My DF walked out on my DM when I was six months old, he wasn't ready for a kid. I have two older sisters from my DM's first marriage, who apart from when she was married to my dad, has raised them as a SP since they were about 2 and 4. We're all now in our twenties and thirties and happy as anything.

My DF and I have always had a turbulent relationship to say the least a lot of which has been hindered by the fact he wasn't around much, so he never had to face up to his actions really. He'd just stay in wherever he lived at that point (it was never the same city, sometimes not the same country) and not come to see me until I forgot about it.

But my mum was always the constant in my life. She's taught me and my sisters how to be brave, how to be strong and independent. As an adult I know that I don't need a relationship for life to be "right". I will always be thankful that I had such a wonderful, strong woman in my life who got to guide me on the right path. Everyone comments to her about how special her relationship is with "her girls". I luffs her .

sorry I'm feeling sentimental.

[AnimatedDad]

recently single but loving the fact that our 50:50 split on time with the children means I can be a grown up half the time and when the children are around I'm not constantly tryingto get the washing done or snatch the odd moment of me time.

I can focus on the kids when they are here

[Spero]

After with every word that Quangle says, it sounds like we are in a very similar position.

I am wary of what appears to be Pom Pom waving for single parenthood. Yes, it is important to emphasise that it is how a family operates that is important - not whether there is a mum and a dad, two dads or one mum etc.

But single parenthood carries with it enormous stress and burdens - I would never choose single parenthood over raising a child with a loving and committed partner to share the load.

I don't want to be stigmatised but I think it is just unreal to try and deal with stigma against single parenthood by promoting it as a positive lifestyle choice.

I am a much better and happier parent not parenting with an abusive partner BUT life would unquestionably be easier and less stressful if I was parenting with another responsible and committed adult.

[FrontForward]

Yes yes Spero

[sillymillyb]

Oh thank you spero! This thread has been bothering me, because single parenthood doesn't "rule". You have explained so eloquently exactly what I have wanted to say.

I do the absolute best that I can, and my son - I hope - will be fine, but I would never choose this life over having 2 committed and loving parents. I don't want to be vilified, nor my son bare the stigma of his up bringing, but that does not mean that this is ideal.

[MiniatureRailway]

My mother was a lone parent and I don't think it "rules" either, sorry. It's bloody hard.

[AskBasil]

I think the problem around all these discussions is that it's put in terms of "would you rather be a lone parent or raise a children with a loving supportive partner who does half the parenting?" as if these are the only 2 options available.

I think it's fairly obvious that the more helpful, functional, loving support you get with parenting from other adults whether they are related to that child or not, the easier the job of parenting is. But that applies to any parent, single or not.

I also think that we need to acknowledge that lots and lots of parents do not have a loving supportive partner who does half the parenting, but because they happen to be married, that deficit goes completely unrecognised. Given the choice between being married to someone who is not functioning in that "ideal" way and being a single parent, often the better choice is actually being a single parent.

Although everything is down to you, at least you know that, at least you haven't planned for something different and been let down at the last minute and at least you've organised your time and life with that in mind so that you've minimised the stress and don't waste time feeling resentment about not being able to do something you have a vague idea you ought to be able to do because you have a partner.

I think it's as valid to cheer-lead for lone parenthood as it is to cheer-lead for coupled parenthood when so many couples aren't living the ideal we're always told is the alternative to lone parenthood. Having said that, it's probably just as valid to cheer-lead any domestic set up that achieves a loving, supportive, functional environment for the child and its carer(s).

[OddFodd]

Perfectly put, AskBasil :)

[Solo]

I've just written a long post, and deleted it, but I just asked my 7yo Dd "how often are you happy?" she replied "quite often" so I said "if you had ten marks, how many mark are you happy?" and she said "about 9" :) that's good enough for me.

[MinesaMess]

It's interesting to see the different opinions on here. What's clear is that single parenthood is different for everyone. I see many posts on MN referring to the 'enormous stress and burdens' faced by LP's but I don't personally feel like that about single parenthood. Yes there are stressful days juggling everything but I've been a LP from day 1 and apart from sleep deprivation hell in the early days can honestly say I mainly really enjoy this whole parenting malarkey and rarely feel stressed.
Circumstances play a huge part I think, I don't get weekends off like many LP's but I do have family support and what others describe as an easy child.
No doubt I'd feel differently if I had 3 dc and zero support.
The point I'm trying to make is that not everyone finds it difficult but somehow saying that feels taboo because others do. It's like we're expected to feel all stressed and burdened and woe is me, well I don't and I refuse to apologize for that.

[WorraLiberty]

Am I the only one who's confused at the thread title?

What does 'Why it rules' mean in this context?

[MinesaMess]

I just took it to mean the positives of being a LP.

[WorraLiberty]

Oh I see. I took it to mean superior parenting

I would have understood if the title said 'Why it rocks', or something.

[thornrose]

I don't like the thread title if I'm honest. Perhaps 'If you think single parenting rules tell us why' might've made more sense?

[MinesaMess]

That probably would have been clearer. I guess it could easily be taken in the context you thought. The link to the MN article made me assume 'positives' rather than 'superior'.

[Tenrec]

I know many single parents and am one. I know a single mother who had twins through a sperm donor and she is amazing, her DC are happy and I'm in awe of her. I know some shit ones, I know some single parents who have 50:50 with their ex and always put their DC first in that. Having a single parent isn't a draw back imo and it all depends on the parent, not the set up.

[Spero]

I really don't like the thread title. It is saying quite clearly, to me at any rate, that single parenting 'rules' I.e. 'Is the best'.

I am not denying that parenting in couples can also be bloody hard of one half of the couple is an arse - I think I said that quite explicitly.

I agree that it is how a family functions that it is important and there are many examples of single parents doing a better job and being happier than people parenting with lazy or abusive people.

But it doesn't 'rule'. It didn't 'rule' one Friday evening when I fell down the stairs and thought if I HAD broken my neck no one would have noticed until Monday when I didn't turn up to work. That night I taught my daughter to dial 999. She was 3 years old.

Surely the debate should be about what makes one a good parent, what help and support is out there for all parents, not trying to 'big up' one family structure at the expense of another. We are not in a competition here, just all trying to do the best we can.

[AskBasil]

TBH though Spero that could happen to a mother who's partner was away for the weekend on a business trip.

Also I agree the thread title is a bit odd but perhaps it's because it's an attempt to counter-balance all the misleading negative crap about single parenthood that the media normally bombards us with? I think there's a tendency to overstate the case simply because normally, there are so many lies about how awful lone parenthood is and if only we'd all get husbands (whether they properly co-parent or not) our kids would all be better than they are right now. I can understand that in that barrage of undermining, people want to jump up and point loudly at figures that contradict that.

[Spero]

That's precisely my point!

Parenting as a single person, on your own, for whatever length of time does NOT rule, because if something shit happens to you, what happens to your child?

I think we ALL need support without assuming that it is always available for those in couples or that all single parents are sobbing in their lonely rooms.

I just don't get why it is helpful to start promoting something which is NOT an objective good. Parenting alone is always going to be more difficult, unless you are saying you will never get ill or have an accident.

We all need support, but we don't all need to be in traditional nuclear families.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

I taught my son to dial 999 at 3 too Spero! I am a "worst case scenario" worrier though.
I am a bit like you MinesaMess, as I have one child and don't feel burdened or stressed about it, but then maybe I am just used to it.
I do hate when I have to start thinking about holidays, and knowing that it's a bit rubbish when we go on holiday just the two of us as ds has no one to play with, and I sit in the caravan on my own every nightnecking wine But then that is probably how a lot of people with one child feel, wrt to the no one to play with bit anyway.
I spend a lot of time pushing a reluctant DS over to make friends with random children

[AskBasil]

"I just don't get why it is helpful to start promoting something which is NOT an objective good. "

To counter-balance all the propaganda which says it is an objective bad?

To counter-balance all the promotion of coupled parenting which is also not an objective good?

[MumsyFoxy]

I love being a mum- but not a single parent.
Couples have it much easier raising kids together- financially, practically, emotionally. Sometimes I hear married mums complain about stuff, not realising that, actually, on the whole they have an easy life, security and someone else there to share the responsibility.

[BluebellTuesday]

I don't know. I have been feeling pretty crap about ending up a single parent a second time, with all my money going on legal fees and it being very hard to get my confidence back to believe that yes, I can do this. I believed it no problem first time round, but second time, maybe as a result of several years of belittling and other forms of psychological abuse, I have felt on the floor.

To read that my children can be as happy as the other children in the world, to read the positive stories here, yes, that has helped. I agree re the thread title, but also with the comment that objective good is needed to balance objective bad.

If all else is equal, two committed parents in a loving relationship are better, I am struggling to find an argument against that (except that I have no experience of this, so I am talking about ideals). But people become single parents because all else is NOT equal and that is the only way they can see of making it better; or because they are deserted and have no choice. The message that your children can and will survive, even be as happy as others, is important.

I am not saying it is a positive lifestyle choice; but I actually think, now, yes, it is the way it is and I need to make it work. I would not have chosen this position pre-children; but knowing what I know now, I would not change it.

So, yes support for all parents, but also better relationships education; better understanding of how the pernicious effects of childhood abuse affect adult relationships; but mostly, better appreciation that families have always come in all shapes and sizes and none should be discriminated against.

[AskBasil]

"If all else is equal, two committed parents in a loving relationship are better"

Who for? Not for children. Study after study shows that if all else is equal, particularly income, then there is simply no difference to outcomes across all categories - health, education, involvement in crime, drug taking etc., for children of lone parents and children with 2 parents living in the same house.

I wouldn't argue that if all else is equal it's probably better for the parents (because in theory the workload is halved and the emotional support is doubled). But for kids? No, and I think every time we see that myth promoted, we need to challenge it, because it's that myth - that our children are destined to do worse than the average - which so undermines so many lone parent's confidence and self-esteem and which enables right wing governments and media to attack us all the time.