Since WBY was such a huge success, how about turning our collective attention to DV?

[lissieloo]

Quash a few myths, challenge a few preconceptions?

WBY was, and is, awesome. I really think we could do the same for domestic violence. There seem to be an awful lot of posters in, or who have survived an abusive relationship. Reality's "Now Look Here" is brilliant, and we could incorporate that. I'm sure that the bloggers would get behind it too.

Whaddya think?

[BeyondTheLimitsOfXmasability]

Just adding my vote too :)

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

Bump again. think there's a program on bc Scotland tonight about DV but don't know if i can stand to watch it.

[lissieloo]

bump

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Time for a bump?

Things I think should be more widely known:

If you are thinking, "I wish he'd hit me/cheat on me so that I could leave," you are probably being abused.

Abusers can be charming, attractive, friendly, loving - some of the time. Who they are the rest of the time tells you who they really are - the rest is just appearance.

Abuse happens gradually, insidiously. By the time it's really bad to the outside observer, the victim is confused, demoralised, disempowered, isolated and hears only the abuser's voice saying that it's not bad, it's normal - and it's the victim's fault anyway. Or it's only because the abuser loves the victim so much.

If you say you are leaving, the abuser will promise anything and everything. And it will be convincing - as though that person has totally changed, overnight. And it won't last.

Abusers are very unlikely to change, because abuse works well for them. They also think it's normal, and right.

And I think FRMD's description of living with abuse, reposted by Mink above, is very powerful. We need more stories like that, of what abuse really feels like. Because although "living in fear of the next beating" is part of it, it's only a tiny part of the whole problem. And for some who are seriously abused, it is not even a tiny part of their experience.

[YoniMatopoeia]

Totally support this campaign.

[VeeAndTea]

MrsMink, that's horrible

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

Post reposted with Op permission.
I thought this just summed up the insidious nature of abuse so well.

FrigginRexManningDay Fri 06-Sep-13 16:46:41


I was with my ex for four years. At the beginning he was wonderful,every woman's dream man. He helped me see my faults and correct them. My flaws were highlighted so I could hide them,he nurtured me to be a proper housewife. But I was impulsive and excitable,not what he wanted in a wife so he helped me control that,showed me the people in my life that encouraged it and I took his advise not to see them. He was my first experienced sexual partner,he showed me how to do what he liked,made me practice til I was good enough,even when I was tired,when I was I'll,when I was heavily pregnant he showed me that his sexual pleasure and happiness was important. And I wanted to keep him happy,if I didn't I would have to live with his disapproval. When our baby was born I wasn't a good mother,he told me how to do it better. I found ways to get him to help,by giving him a blowjob the day I came out of hospital. I did this all willingly because I loved him. I wasn't being beaten or held down and raped.
Except I didn't realise that I was being abused sexually,emotionally because it built up bit by bit over the years. He had controlled and made me dependant on him so slowly and deliberately that I didn't even realise. It took me a long time to realise after he left what exactly he had done. Years later I still have moments of clarity about things he did. When you are in the middle of the fog you can't see what is happening.


FRMD.

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

bumping again

[lissieloo]

just bumping this a bit.

[minkembernard]

metro.co.uk/2013/03/08/international-womens-day-top-10-misconceptions-about-domestic-violence-3533055/

This might be of interest.

The one in four statistic really shocks me. that is nother just sad because it affects so many women but it also makes you think there are an awful lot if abusers out there or else the abusive men are very busy

[FairyFi]

yes, WA, thanks to feminism, something worth embracing so women are not scared of stating that they do things as women for women.

Cannot think of anything more needing of co-female support and validation, and more of a massive female issue.

[FairyFi]

yes mink promo of WA, expert services .... saving your life and your sanity, and opening the door to leave it behind!

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello

Thanks for drawing our attention to this one.

We're open to this idea (and we do know that DV is a huge concern for MNers, and something we're sure lots of you would mobilise behind).

That said, we're absolutely chocker at the moment with our Bounty campaign and an upcoming campaign on children with additional needs. Following these through to their conclusions and making sure we achieve as many of our objectives as possible will be consuming most of the campaign team's time for the next few months. (As you can probably appreciate, starting a campaign is one thing, but following it through is often the time-consuming bit!)

So do please continue to use this thread to post up thoughts and suggestions, and we promise to come back to it in the autumn to have a good think about it.

Thanks
MNHQ

[lissieloo]

Minke, I like that.

Getting, you're right.

[minkembernard]

extending that further:

you are not to blame
you should not have to put up with abuse
you can leave
and WA are there for you. yes you.

[minkembernard]

how about 'not your fault'

as in this is abuse
it is not ok and
it's not your fault

or You are not to blame.

[lissieloo]

I see what you mean.

Could we expand "we believe you" to cover DA too d'ya think?

[fabulousfoxgloves]

My reservation with You will survive, is that it can be read as minimising it. It is okay, she will survive. How many of us brush something off and say, I will survive or similar? And enough women don't survive.

Sorry to be negative. I support the intention.

[lissieloo]

Its exactly why we need campaigns like this. I've just been told on a sexual assault thread that I (not the op) was going ott in my reaction to an attack. WBY was quoted and linked to. I'd love to see the same happening for DA.

[minkembernard]

and again the victim blaming has started with posters making comments about enabling and allowing abuse

how does that help??

[lissieloo]

Yes, we could aim to help them recognise and move on from the abuse. practical help.

And, I know. it's heartbreaking.

[minkembernard]

that might work, although with the emphasis on surviving free and recovering. a lot of women unfortunately think they have to grin and bear it.

'You can be free' wouldn't really work would it?

at least another two threads in the last week where the OP is clearly being abused , has not realised it is abuse and thinks WA is for women who 'are really being abused'.

[lissieloo]

I've just had a thought, how about "You Will Survive" focus on things getting better for the survivor and moving from the victim. Also easy to quote like We Believe You was.

And wrt the feminist campaign, I would def be happy to join with a seperate campaign to alter the public perceptions of feminism. Something like the "I need feminism because" pictures, but the different faces of feminists to quash this misandic reputation we have.

[lissieloo]

Thank you, Jacques. You have put it much better than I could.