Miss sex

[haveandtohold]

I'm in a sexless marriage, I miss it.

Who else feels the same?

I can't believe it, after divorcing my first husband as I was unhappy I now find myself in a similar situation. I long for excitement and to be wanted. Seems like I'm a long way from it at the moment.
Just wanted to get it off my chest...

[LonelyMarried]

Another one here. Yep, there's definitely the added stigma of being the wife who isn't getting any.

I could almost cope with the infrequent sex if there was intimacy. But that's gone too. Barely any hugs or proper kisses. Not much in the way of meaningful conversation.

I'm having an EA. He found out and I cut contact, but resumed it when, after an initial period of more sex and intimacy, things nosedived and ended up worse than before. He never initiates. And he gets defensive if I bring it up. I've tried everything over the years. Now I'm in the weird limbo of wanting more sex and intimacy, but not knowing how to want it with him anymore because I'm so used to being rejected and I'm resentful that he's forced me into celibacy in my prime. And if I'm being completely honest, even when we do have sex, I'm bored. He does the same things he's been doing for the last 15 years. I've tried to spice things up, but he's just not that way inclined. I'm not sure where we go from here other than just to co exist.

[Whenwillspringfinallyarrive]

Sunlight

Totally agree re being tough. But I've been sitting on this for too long and it's getting me no where other than tying myself in knots. I need to make a decision and move forward in my life.

I think we function well as a couple on the surface - but dig down and there isn't much working well underneath :-(

[Dappledsunlight]

Thanks Baby dubs for posting this link. Will take a look.
When will spring - in similar boat to you. It's a tough one as other aspects of the relationship are good or at least function well. Ultimately, for me, it comes down to: is it too high a price to pay? Can I love with this? It's tough.

[Whenwillspringfinallyarrive]

I'm also in a sexless relationship. I miss the intimacy and feel I'm living with a friend. I love him very much, he's lovely, intelligent and we live well together in terms of sharing chores, etc. But underneath the perfect relationship (as others see it and have commented as much), we rarely have sex - twice this year so far, but typically max 6-8 times a year and it's usually over very quickly (probably because it's such a rare occurrence). No intimacy at all in between. We hug and may have a brief cuddle in bed but not in a sexual/intimate way and kiss on the cheek, no snogging.

In addition to this issue, he is reliant on me for social life. He makes no effort to maintain existing friendships and I think would be happy to stay at home forever with the odd meal out. It's boring and I feel the pressure on me to organise joint stuff.

Currently struggling with the decision of whether to stay and accept this is the way it's always going to be, leave in the hope of finding a new partner, or to suggest couples/sex therapy. If the intimacy was there I think i could cope with his lack of social life but the combo makes me fearful of our future in retirement. It's sad because we do get along so well and have shared goals but I think social connection with friends & community and intimacy are two non-negotiable fundamentals.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

Its crushing to read, especially when you connect with the stories so closely :( For me, reading it has really stripped away all the bullshit I tell myself about why DH is like this and how we will become 'normal'. I don't believe that anymore. I can't fix him. There isn't much hope. No idea where to go from here though...

[Idontmeanto]

Thanks for the link. I’m finding it a very sad read and showed Dh.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

Just in case this might help any of you, (its helping me get my head around my situation with DH) ...

I'm living in a sexless marriage forum
www.iliasm.org/

[Idontmeanto]

ED going on here, too. If I mention it he says he’ll see the gp but never does. Feel fat, ugly, unwanted and demanding.

[uncertaindreams]

Me too. Miss intimacy desperately and there's the added stigma of being the unwanted wife 😔....

[Halfway2Dead]

I’m heading for the same boat I think. 18 months ago DH developed ED and our sex life hasn’t been great ever since. We still attempt it but that’s been getting less frequent. When we do have sex I feel like it’s just a race to have an orgasm before he loses it, which isn’t a turn on, so I’m find myself wanting it less.

[frustrated78]

Sorry for multiple posts it was an app error

[frustrated78]

I'll join your club! Name changed here!
Have always had a weird sex life with DH having had all sorts of crazy empty sex based previous relationships!
When we met we did the typical never got out of bed for a few months then all of a sudden he changed and started turning me down in favour of sleep (we are talking 15 years ago in our 20s). I persevered for our relationship but it never went back to what I consider normal. When I was first pregnant he developed ED which was a bit gutting for me so spent the remainder of my pregnancy not even bothering.
Started having sex again when DC1 was about a year so it had been over a year.
I felt any time we did it was due to my initiating it - though he was always up for it for want of a better word. It was annoying to always be the one initiating!
Got pregnant with DC2 and didn't even bother to ask that whole pregnancy tbh - didn't want to be rejected!!
After DC2 was born I lost loads of weight and looked amazing - not sure he noticed as nothing changed !!
I could count on my hands the times we've had sex since then
It got to a point where I'd be thinking "we must do it as it's been x weeks" but again always me initiating it.
Then I had a back injury and couldn't even walk for months. Also gained a lot of weight.
Then it got to him wanting it at weird times like when we were really drunk and I wanted to pass out or when we woke up from a night out and I felt hungover and if I rejected him suddenly that was a big deal!!

Right now we've not had sex since July (at my initiating) we were in a family villa and I found a quiet spot and texted him !! It was fun!!!

Stupid thing is that I am horny. Surely he must be ?!! I also find him attractive. But it's got to the stage where having sex has become so awkward I don't even know how or where to begin!!

It seems to me like he rejected me so much I got to the point where I couldn't be arsed then he wanted it and I rejected him so we're both now scared to start anything!
I love him and want to stay together but not sure I can stay no sex forever !! I just imagine one of us will end up straying and it seems preventable . We have an amazing close relationship but when it comes to sex we've never seemed to really connect

[frustrated78]

I'll join your club! Name changed here!
Have always had a weird sex life with DH having had all sorts of crazy empty sex based previous relationships!
When we met we did the typical never got out of bed for a few months then all of a sudden he changed and started turning me down in favour of sleep (we are talking 15 years ago in our 20s). I persevered for our relationship but it never went back to what I consider normal. When I was first pregnant he developed ED which was a bit gutting for me so spent the remainder of my pregnancy not even bothering.
Started having sex again when DC1 was about a year so it had been over a year.
I felt any time we did it was due to my initiating it - though he was always up for it for want of a better word. It was annoying to always be the one initiating!
Got pregnant with DC2 and didn't even bother to ask that whole pregnancy tbh - didn't want to be rejected!!
After DC2 was born I lost loads of weight and looked amazing - not sure he noticed as nothing changed !!
I could count on my hands the times we've had sex since then
It got to a point where I'd be thinking "we must do it as it's been x weeks" but again always me initiating it.
Then I had a back injury and couldn't even walk for months. Also gained a lot of weight.
Then it got to him wanting it at weird times like when we were really drunk and I wanted to pass out or when we woke up from a night out and I felt hungover and if I rejected him suddenly that was a big deal!!

Right now we've not had sex since July (at my initiating) we were in a family villa and I found a quiet spot and texted him !! It was fun!!!

Stupid thing is that I am horny. Surely he must be ?!! I also find him attractive. But it's got to the stage where having sex has become so awkward I don't even know how or where to begin!!

It seems to me like he rejected me so much I got to the point where I couldn't be arsed then he wanted it and I rejected him so we're both now scared to start anything!
I love him and want to stay together but not sure I can stay no sex forever !! I just imagine one of us will end up straying and it seems preventable . We have an amazing close relationship but when it comes to sex we've never seemed to really connect

[frustrated78]

I'll join your club! Name changed here!
Have always had a weird sex life with DH having had all sorts of crazy empty sex based previous relationships!
When we met we did the typical never got out of bed for a few months then all of a sudden he changed and started turning me down in favour of sleep (we are talking 15 years ago in our 20s). I persevered for our relationship but it never went back to what I consider normal. When I was first pregnant he developed ED which was a bit gutting for me so spent the remainder of my pregnancy not even bothering.
Started having sex again when DC1 was about a year so it had been over a year.
I felt any time we did it was due to my initiating it - though he was always up for it for want of a better word. It was annoying to always be the one initiating!
Got pregnant with DC2 and didn't even bother to ask that whole pregnancy tbh - didn't want to be rejected!!
After DC2 was born I lost loads of weight and looked amazing - not sure he noticed as nothing changed !!
I could count on my hands the times we've had sex since then
It got to a point where I'd be thinking "we must do it as it's been x weeks" but again always me initiating it.
Then I had a back injury and couldn't even walk for months. Also gained a lot of weight.
Then it got to him wanting it at weird times like when we were really drunk and I wanted to pass out or when we woke up from a night out and I felt hungover and if I rejected him suddenly that was a big deal!!

Right now we've not had sex since July (at my initiating) we were in a family villa and I found a quiet spot and texted him !! It was fun!!!

Stupid thing is that I am horny. Surely he must be ?!! I also find him attractive. But it's got to the stage where having sex has become so awkward I don't even know how or where to begin!!

It seems to me like he rejected me so much I got to the point where I couldn't be arsed then he wanted it and I rejected him so we're both now scared to start anything!
I love him and want to stay together but not sure I can stay no sex forever !! I just imagine one of us will end up straying and it seems preventable . We have an amazing close relationship but when it comes to sex we've never seemed to really connect

[frustrated78]

I'll join your club! Name changed here!
Have always had a weird sex life with DH having had all sorts of crazy empty sex based previous relationships!
When we met we did the typical never got out of bed for a few months then all of a sudden he changed and started turning me down in favour of sleep (we are talking 15 years ago in our 20s). I persevered for our relationship but it never went back to what I consider normal. When I was first pregnant he developed ED which was a bit gutting for me so spent the remainder of my pregnancy not even bothering.
Started having sex again when DC1 was about a year so it had been over a year.
I felt any time we did it was due to my initiating it - though he was always up for it for want of a better word. It was annoying to always be the one initiating!
Got pregnant with DC2 and didn't even bother to ask that whole pregnancy tbh - didn't want to be rejected!!
After DC2 was born I lost loads of weight and looked amazing - not sure he noticed as nothing changed !!
I could count on my hands the times we've had sex since then
It got to a point where I'd be thinking "we must do it as it's been x weeks" but again always me initiating it.
Then I had a back injury and couldn't even walk for months. Also gained a lot of weight.
Then it got to him wanting it at weird times like when we were really drunk and I wanted to pass out or when we woke up from a night out and I felt hungover and if I rejected him suddenly that was a big deal!!

Right now we've not had sex since July (at my initiating) we were in a family villa and I found a quiet spot and texted him !! It was fun!!!

Stupid thing is that I am horny. Surely he must be ?!! I also find him attractive. But it's got to the stage where having sex has become so awkward I don't even know how or where to begin!!

It seems to me like he rejected me so much I got to the point where I couldn't be arsed then he wanted it and I rejected him so we're both now scared to start anything!
I love him and want to stay together but not sure I can stay no sex forever !! I just imagine one of us will end up straying and it seems preventable . We have an amazing close relationship but when it comes to sex we've never seemed to really connect

[Snowdrop567]

Dappled sunlight, I have spoken to him about it several times over the last 2 years. There was an issue with low testosterone but this is now treated. However nothing has changed. He was advised to have psycho-sexual counselling. He went for an assessment but never booked any sessions.
He knows I'm unhappy but I think he's just sticking his head in the sand. He's good in many other ways but my resentment has affected my feelings for him.

[lottieandmia22]

All of my married friends have regular 'date nights' I think. The problem is that living together creates a complacency in the relationship especially when you have children as well. I've recently felt that if I ever lived with someone again I would realise from the outset that work would be needed to keep things happy. It's easier said than done though isn't it?

[Dappledsunlight]

Snowdrop : same question to you. Sorry you're depressed and anxious. What's your situation? Are you able to express your feelings to your partner?

[Dappledsunlight]

Haveandtohold: have you been able to broach the subject with your DH? If so, what's the response? Is it lack of desire on both sides or other issues? Discussed it a year or so ago but I know it's swept under the carpet really which isn't right. I guess I try to cope but then I get really sad and thus tips into low moods at times. I would love to have that physical closeness with a partner. Feel like it's not right to live this way.

[Snowdrop567]

It is sad, and depressing. It's making me very depressed and anxious....

[Dappledsunlight]

Glad it's not the case for you Peakypolly! I think there are so many variables - whether the intimacy was strong from the start, illness, family stress etc etc...

[Peakypolly]

I've wondered whether it's just an inevitable part of a long term relationship

In my experience- 29 years married- this is not the case, but it certainly ebbs and flows. We have more sex now than 10 years ago.

[PussGirl]

*that not the

[PussGirl]

I stopped wanting sex with my husband because of creeping resentment about all sorts of issues in our relationship. He seemed not very interested but would occasionally approach me & I'd rebuff him.

I still felt really sexual though, but just couldn't with him

I left him recently. There wasn't enough other positive stuff to sustain us. We had had no sex at all for 4.5 years & very little for a few years before the.

I have had sex with someone else since leaving - so glad to report it all still works perfectly

[Kestant]

I found other hobbies.