Use (and abuse?) of snapchat by secondary school children

[ealingwestmum]

Interested in your experiences of snapchat in secondary school...

My DD (nearly 13, Y7) - a typical active preteen who likes school academically and socially, and uses the usual mix of social media apps (text, IG, whatsapp, MusicLY). But, I've said no to snapchat, even though most her peers use it.

Whilst mature in some ways, she has fallen into every social media cliche of receiving some unpleasant interactions from some, even with the heads up from me of what to expect from the minority of those that way inclined. I have full access to her phone, check regularly with her knowledge and support her through these exchanges when needed. It stays outside her room charging whilst her peer group-message through the small hours. She's relieved she's out of it for most of the time due to extra curricular stuff and need for sleep but knows she is distanced from her circle as a consequence.

Twice now she's requested snapchat (without really understanding how its used/can be used), thinking its all about the dog ears and tongue shots. I have never been overly protective, but feel it's one app too many for her that could subject her to more targeting, and that what she cannot see (directly) at this stage is one less thing for her to stress over until she develops a deeper understanding on the pros/cons of SM interaction.

My husband thought I was being over-protective until this week, when a colleague of his was dismissed for posting a derogatory video of another colleague.

How are your experiences of snapchat with your children? I am fully conscious of the weird world our children now live in (that will only continue) and don't want to make a social pariah out of her, but know she is already overwhelmed by the sophistication of some that choose to use comms negatively.

[goodbyestranger]

OP yes I completely understand your concerns and my post certainly wasn't an ok Jack one, more intended to say that the problems associated with being the standout on this one are I think far, far greater than any potential problems with the thing itself.

[ealingwestmum]

I know goodbye, thanks. All experiences welcome, especially from those out the other end...

[TaIkinPeace]

needacar
if you really think that a secondary school pupil cannot pull together £30 for a PAYG phone
you are not in the real world.

stand in line at the deli = £1 a day
help on homework = £2 a time
take the blame for something daft = £5
kids know the value of stuff

on the good side,
I queried why DS had bought four hot dogs for lunch one day - turned out he was helping a friend who had run out of money on his account.
They evened it up later in the week.

Unrestricted access with the full acceptance of being open is by far the best way to go.

ealing
One of the strongest things you can do with your DD is to have the daily laugh at the daft stuff session with her
and teach her to recognise what should be shrugged and what should be noted
your experience at judging/ evaluating what she sees will be the most valuable
my DD was horribly bullied and it was only when I requested an over the shoulder session that it was brought to a halt

[sendsummer]

ealingwestmum I think it can be a really difficult age for some DCs. They can feel pressurised to join in with more than they feel comfortable with since otherwise they risk being the odd one out and they often don't feel confident enough to stop what they dislike.
There are sites like this for your DD to look at.
www.saferinternet.org.uk/advice-and-resources/young-people/11-19s
Instead of stopping her getting Snapshat I would suggest to her that she needs to work out how best to handle any potential problems from it and then discuss her strategies with you. She can choose when she looks at the images so she could wait to do that at home when you are around.

[ealingwestmum]

great link sendsummer, thank you

Talkin, hope all is at peace with your DD now. Absolutely yes to going through stuff together, and we've crafted the odd response back together stopping the sender in their tracks in a direct but polite manner that hopefully hasn't sounded like it's come from a near 50yr old

Just need her to chill a little more, but, slowly slowly...

[drummersmum]

talkin
Because you seem to speak for us all, I think it's important for you and everyone to know that you are not. DS does not have a hidden phone, he does not have mobile data on his yet, he does not get paid to help with homework, he does not need SM to keep friendships, and he's too busy during the day and too exhausted at night to waste his time and give a f* about silly texts, which is all he gets.
And yes, we have said no to many things over the years.
Horse for courses.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Talkin some teenagers are honest with their parents.

[Muskey]

My DD who is in year 7 uses snap chat. tBH I am very proud of her in how she has matured using it from the beginning of year 7 when she would get upset when girls would be bragging about rubbish and enjoying excluding dd to not being dragged into the many many dramas some of her classmates have got into over it including posing in skimpy cheer leading out fits complete with trout pouts looking like little tarts. The fact their mothers either are blissfully unaware or are ok with this never ceases to amaze me. My view that like everything else it's part and parcel of modern life. In order to be handle all that it entails you have to learn to use it properly.

[drummersmum]

ealingwest
being a parent in our generation is so bloody difficult. My mother always says she doesn't envy us, that the seventies were easier. I don't know. You seem to have a very open relationship with your DD and that's great, that's key. Hang in there.

[ealingwestmum]

Your mother talks a lot of sense drummersmum, but I think the reality is different issues, not necessarily more difficult if we're being objective (and we are honest about the angst we gave them, or shielded them from by them not knowing)...I did love the 70's though!

Thank you for your supportive words.

[areyoutheregoditsmemargaret]

I've just started a thread asking for advice on how to prepare dd for all this, as she goes into yr 7 next term.

Very grateful for any posts on it

In the meantime, what I seem to be gauging here is that we should allow them all apps etc, but keep an eye on them. Does anyone have limits on how often children use their phones. Sometimes I feel like emigrating to Outer Mongolia to avoid these problems (clearly they'd still come and find us)

[ealingwestmum]

Hello areyouthere. I'll happily visit your thread though as you can tell, I won't be best placed to be an advice-giver

I do not cap usage per se, but do ask my daughter that if I'm talking to her (e.g. in car when she's in the back), then she puts down her phone and responds. Even if I can't see her. She also asks permission to go on phone to avoid the silence or grunting "yeah great" after I ask what kind of day she's had

Only kidding...she's not at full blown it's so unfair mode just yet. And she still goes and places phone on charge in hallway a good half hour before bed. Self disciplined (at the moment) so she doesn't get sucked into some debate on the class Whatsapp chat.

[areyoutheregoditsmemargaret]

Thank you, we are all struggling through. Sadly, dd is already entering "I hate yooou, Mum!" stage, though she's still a sweet child at the same time. Interesting times ahead!

[MamaBear98]

If anyone's wondering,if you are suspicious that a Snapchat may be harmful/hurtful/abuseful etc, you can load a Snap,turn off your internet,view it and screenshot it if necessary.Then once you turn back on your internet,the snap will act like it hasn't been viewed since you had no internet so it will be like the person never looked at it-that way you can have screenshotted it without the sender knowing.

Or you could just use another device to take a picture of the screen while the snap is up and that way you can have evidence without the other person knowing about it.

And like all social media,settings can be edited so that only friends can see/send snaps/stories and you can block other users

[Grikes]

Actually we allow our DD full unlimited 3G from 3. Under £20 per mth. The school has a filtered wifi that excludes facetime and a host of other apps. We have found no problem with usage of apps such as snapchat, whatsapp and others. Saying that I think it is important to educate your DD om its use and be included in her feeds Twitter, Instagram and facebook. That way you can spot potential problems that otherwise your child will miss.
I would not however stop her from using any app or restrict phone time. In that way she has become more self disciplined. Its a tool rather than a novelty.

[BMEP]

As a 16 year old boy, I have to say JFC you need to chill. I was subjected to having my phone taken away by overprotective parents every night.

Being the child of an overprotective mother, all I can say is that you are ruining your daughter's social life, in that you are not letting her develop her own personality within her friendship group - if given free reign to use her phone whenever she wanted, your daughter would be able to gain insight into how much SHE wanted to use social media, instead of how much you want her to. This would in turn teach her more about herself as a person, ie. does she want to actively participate in group chat messaging and be more centre-stage in conversations (which would teach her she is more confident and outspoken) or if she prefers to listen and speak infrequently - what you are currently forcing her to do (which would, if experienced through her own will, teach her she is more introverted).
I know for me personally, social media taught me a lot about my own personality and who I was in terms of social interaction.

On another level, the total invasion of your daughter's privacy that you have described is, to me, completely disrespectful and unheard of - your job as a parent is to safeguard your child, yes - but not to the extent that they feel they cannot have private information / conversations / generally things they'd prefer you not to see. Start thinking about how you'd like it and about how things were before this sort of technology was around - I guarantee you didn't tell your parents everything...

On a final note, I'd like to say that one thing heavy restriction RE mobile phones, social media etc taught me was to find ways around it and rebel - work with your child and look into positive reinforcement and TRUST, and building a positive relationship built on maturity and understanding - just because your daughter is young, they are still a person with views, wants, needs of their own and you shouldn't hinder than or remove possibilities for development of character simply because of their age.
This is some serious 1984 stuff, seriously - makes me glad I'm as tech savvy as I am and was able to easily work around my parents. Let your kid grow and make their own mistakes, or all you'll teach them is rebellion.

[Brighteyes27]

BMEP some wise words. I have a DD just turned 12 she is not as worldly wise as some of her peers but it seems the only way teens and young teens communicate about walking to school, homework and meeting up etc. They say FB texting instagram and emails are for old people like me. DD is a nice kind girl but she easily distracts herself and has always messed about banging around in her bedroom at night and then often struggling to get up for school in the morning. We have tried always with this. My DH agreed to her and her 13 year old brother getting Snapchat as it seems the only way tweeds and teens communicate awhile ago. But me the Nazi mum insisted they keep their phones on charge in the living room when they go to bed.
I am an over protective parent as we don't let kids have phones in their rooms at bed time (favoring traditional alarm clocks for them both) as they both have early starts for school. Some of their peers are pinging chats after 11pm when we go to bed and at 6am midweek. On a weekend and holidays it's even worse with chats being sent at 4am if a group were having a sleepover or something. I realise by doing this we are distancing them from their friends but we are trying to protect them. One of their friends was called a lot of nasty swear words including an ugly friendless C* by another girl so I want DD to have some down time and a let up from things like this in her own house and bedroom.
What advice would you or anyone else give me? In light of the GMTV interview this week where two teens commited suicide due to cyber bullying?

[JustEatYourDinner]

Marking place as we are entering this stage!

[GavelRavel]

I have a year 7 boy and work in IT. I wont be letting him have Snapchat or Instagram for as long as possible, certainly not this year. He has WhatsApp and YouTube only and that's the way it will stay until he's 14/15, longer if possible. I can't believe people let 11/12 year olds have access to Snapchat.

[Brighteyes27]

To be fair all their friends seem to have it up here and it's the only way they all communicate.

[Ruth2017]

I found this article helpful

www.teensafe.com/blog/everything-a-parent-needs-to-know-about-snapchat/

[GavelRavel]

I use an app that turns off access to the phone between 8pm and 7.30am. It's not Draconian, it's protecting them from themselves until they're mature enough to have full access to everything. You will also find it drives you mad otherwise with messages coming through all night and them being too distracted to do homework or even talk to you. 11/12 is very different from 15/16. They don't yet have the capability to manage their time and use social media in moderation like we do, not to me ruin deal with any bullying and the inevitable sex pictures. Halfway through year 7 and I can already see my DS getting closer to the point where I will remove the monitoring app and let him have full access and to the apps where a panel of experts including child psychiatrists have decided the child should be 13 to deal with it, but not at 11/12.

[ealingwestmum]

Had no idea this thread had been resurrected!

BMEP, not sure who JFC is referring to (may be me?!), your opinion and experience is valid, as it represents of one 16 year old's view point.

I guess over-protectiveness is a subjective thing, and a balance that as parents, we have to gauge (and don't always get right). I know my mother would not have interrupted my sleep 15 times during the night to take a phone call from good old land line so I didn't miss out on stuff. My DD still hands me her phone to charge out of her room, and does struggle with sleepovers where peers are on-line all night, she doesn't feel like she's missing out. She likes her sleep too much.

As I am on, as a brief update from last June, as there is a lot of change, both physically and mentally in my daughter to now mid Y8, she's coping pretty well overall with all the apps and social environment.

• Parents tried and failed to get phones banned at school (I wasn't one of them, as I don't think all should be punished for some that cannot moderate, and they are not going away, I would rather advocate sensible usage than removal). These were the same parents that allow their children to keep their phones all night and are tired/off sick. School is being much stricter on discipline if caught using in restricted periods
  

• Snapchat is the main usage. on the whole, silly streams. But also there are those that do what Brighteyes has described. And lots of screenshots of those pics/messages that children may be able to 'leverage' later
  

• Some children really do have a problem with addiction and have turned more inward (towards their peers and parents).
  

• Definitely seen as a platform to show who is in the A list, popularity ratings, and solicit comments about their bikini shot
  

I have no monitoring apps, restrictions on usage (other than telling her to stop when needed) but she also has the type of life that is pretty full of stuff, so very little time to sit in bedroom for hours on end other than holidays. She occasionally hands me her phone and says can you do me a favour and check my feed tonight. This her way of asking someone has been pretty unpleasant and she needs help on how to respond.

I asked my DD last night whether I was right to challenge her request for access in Y7, and she responded yes. She can only just about handle the politics. And how to respond. She was thinking about her sports pal in Y7 who had been on the receiving end of a boy saying to her ^no one will ever fuck you in your life, you're so fucking ugly, you know that right?'

This girl does not have access to snapchat yet, so abuse was delivered in old fashioned verbal. She has no doubt that had this girl had access to snapchat, the volume of abuse would have been so much higher...because it just can be, even with the screen shot capability.

In summary, our children's maturity levels and ways of handling their world differs, but the guideline of 13, in my opinion is quite sound.

[GavelRavel]

that's really interesting to hear, thankyou for updating. It kind of reassures me with a y7 child as I can also see how he is maturing and would be able to deal with Snapchat etc more in the future. I think you're right though, it's 13 for a reason.

[Dancergirl]

Honestly, why otherwise would you want a photo to disappear after 10 seconds?

Lots of reasons. My dd snapped a picture of her friend's wrapped birthday present so she had a few seconds to guess what it was.

Contrary to popular belief, not ALL teens are into sexting. I also said no to Snapchat initially, my dds were allowed to have Instagram. But I reconsidered a year or two later when I could see they were being sensible about what they posted.

My dds (now 15.5 and 14) are quite prudish and would never in a million years post anything vaguely sexual. I know someone will come along and say don't be so sure etc but I keep a very close eye on them and I know my dc. Since they've had Snapchat they use it more than Instagram now. Mainly for messaging. I don't actually think one form of social media is any worse than any other. It's about trusting them to be sensible but it's also important to talk to them about self-respect.