Why are Public schools so confusing?!!

[MonroeMacy]

First time posting anything on this site, I'm so confused and slightly panicking because everyone around me is panicking.

I have a DSS at Harrow and a DSD at Cheltham Ladies C. When they were going through the process, I mainly kept out of it as their mother was so aware and in charge of everything, so didn't want to step on her toes.

DS is now in year 4, (8 years old) and his Prep school have set up meetings with all the parents to give them a run down on which schools to be aware of, which they would recommend, which to go look at etc.

It's always just been an idea to try and get DS into Harrow as that's where DSS is at right now although won't be anymore when it would be time for DS to go

At our meeting DS' school said that they believed he would massively struggle at Harrow, even getting him in would be an uphill battle as he's not the type they usually take, academically he's suited but personality wise they feel Harrow would eat him alive. He's very quiet, like a mouse, won't speak up even if he needs the toilet, prefers individual activists to massive group ones etc.

Eton they also said no to as although he might find it easier to get into as they apparently prioritse those with academic abilities, he would for similar reasons struggle there.

They have suggested his best options would be St Pauls and Winchester College, although they don't send a lot of children to those particular schools, they seemed quite confident at being able to get DS into them and most importantly that he would be far better suited there.

I personally prefer St Pauls as he can do Day instead of boarding but so far that's the only reason, I have on favouring SP.

DSS and his mother, think I'm crazy for not even thinking about registering him for Harrow anymore, she says that the HM most likely only said it because they need to diversify where their school leaver go . I don't actually think that's the case, HM and the school have always put DS first and know him inside out.

DSD is friends with a few Paulina's and is rooting for St Pauls.

Loads of the other parents are being very secretive about where they're thinking of sending their DS' so can't get any decent advice from off the playground.

So I'm confused about whether I should register DS for Harrow as everyone thinks it's brilliant or go with the schools advice and try for the other two schools.

Does anyone have kids at any of the schools above, are the school right in thinking a quiet more academic boy would be better suited for St Pauls / Winchester over Harrow?

[AnotherNewt]

It's difficult, doing the 'dating dance' but you have plenty of time ahead of you to work out which are likely to be the better fits for your DS. What he is like at 8 may not be what he is like at 11, where you're still rather guessing what the teen years will be like but better informed and more likely to be right at each stage.

So I think you need to look at a lot of schools now. Visit lots of possibles, possibly more than once. Stick in a registration for Harrow if your DS is being talked into it by DSS; you don't have to follow it up, but it does sound as if it'll ease the family politics if you do.

Given what you say about your DS now, and the HT's confidence that applications to the most academic schools are not a waste, then I'd definitely put KCS Wimbledon on your list. And look at Dulwich too - it's much more rounded than people sometimes think, and their top sets are highly academic these days.

Do you definitely want single sex?

[MonroeMacy]

Thank you all for replying, I do feel much better about DS' options, I suppose I felt they were very limited as it's always just been assumed we'd try for Harrow and the meeting felt like I had 2 schools I had never considered being strongly suggested and a child who wouldn't fit in anywhere.

I have talked to DS and after a lot of prompting and him mumbling that Harrow didn't seem too bad, we managed to sit down and look through a few Day schools, he isn't keen on boarding and I've realised that that's not the end of the world now and to just accept it, I'd much prefer he stay anyway.

He liked the look of Merchant Taylor's school, Northwood, it's close enough that he could be a day student, so I promised we'd go and take a look but have made it clear that we'd be looking at a lot of schools and not to get too hung up on one.

I've emailed the school, as I want to know what they think DS's chances are of getting in to the new schools we're now considering.

We've got a busy year ahead of us and I thank you all for managing to get through the panicky haze.

[LadyGnome]

Regular but namechanged so I can be a bit more open

DS1 yr8 is in a London prep and has a 13+ offer for Merchant Taylors. Some of his classmates have offers from St Pauls. Often a couple of boys go to Harrow or more occasionally Eton.
I wouldn't say the boys going for SPS are pushy (one is DS1's best friend) but they are very academic and intellectually confident. They have no hesitation about pitching into a conversation and holding their own. They aren't show offs or boasters but they are sparky.

DS1 is a bit less confident but is a joiner in. I have to order him not to take on more activities otherwise he would completely overcommit himself. We prefered MT because it just seemed to suit him more. Lots of different activities and a friendly feel. I felt DS1 would find his niche there and wouldn't be playing catch up with the very academic boys at SPS (DS1 has a mild SpLD). DS1 is also keen on sport and there is more opportunity at MT than somewhere like Westminster partly because the facilities are better.

I know someone whose son did well at Harrow even though he wasn't the most outgoing. However, he was quite sporty. My view would be to consider registering your DS for Harrow but explain to the Head you will only pursue it if you feel your DS is maturing into the sort of boy that would enjoy the school. At least that way you can keep your options open.

[Clobbered]

I don't understand why you are allowing the Prep School to have such a big influence on YOUR choice as a parent. You are paying them to help your son get into the senior school of YOUR choice. For goodness sake, forget what they have said for now, go and look at schools that seem suitable, make a decision based on YOUR information and preferences, and then instruct the school to do the best they can to help your DS get a place. You are the customer here!! And if you don't like their (prep school) attitude, then get him out of there and send him somewhere that will do what YOU want, not coerce you into doing what they think is right.

[Gruach]

You are paying them to help your son get into the senior school of YOUR choice ...

No. This is not what prep schools are for.

[Needmoresleep]

You are paying a prep school to educate your child and to give you good advice about the next stage. It sounds as if the prep have done this, which is why OP is reexamining her origional assumption that he would follow his brother to Harrow.

[wurzeldrink]

It would be hard to think of worse advice than that given by Clobbered

[granolamuncher]

If every parent took Clobbered's approach, it would be impossible for prep schools to recruit any staff, let alone heads. Teachers deserve so much more respect.

[Cookingwine]

May I dare suggest City of London? Amazing school that really embraces diversity, I don't think there is a typical City boy, apart that they all seem sensitive and open minded, might suit your DS better?

[MonroeMacy]

@cookingwine City of London is on our radar now because of you, it looks like a really good school and I'm feeling a lot more hopeful about finding DS a school he'll be happy at.

@LadyGnome thank you for the info on MT, DS is a joiner in as well, DH is pretty keen on MT, so it's pretty high up on our list now.

@Clobbered I'm giving the Prep such a big influence because they know the system, they understand the schools and they understand my DS, they're in the best position to give me advice for the next stage. They're not coercing me, they're advising me.

DSS thinks we're utterly mad for not committing to Harrow but he's thankful that we're not considering "bloody Eton" his words not mine.

[Cookingwine]

Good luck in finding the right school. It was such a long process for us, agonising almost :(