Does anyone on this site have a son or daughter who is not a high achiever or do you all have A* children?

[JK2705]

My DD is 11 and is starting year 11 in September. She hates school and refuses to go at least one day per week. I am a single parent with a full-time job and have found this very stressful to say the least. She failed all her mocks (Ds and Es) apart from Art (an A in one paper and a C in the one based on coursework - as she was only there for 50% of the course). I am spending the whole of the summer holidays re-learning Maths, English and Science, so I can teach her on the days she refuses to go in. I have also spent loads of time downloading youtube videos that will help her revise next year. She has no skills whatsoever when it comes to making a revision plan and before her mocks, I was really quite shocked to find out that she did not even know basic stuff like how to round to one decimal point, or which was the sign for "multiply" and/or "divide".

What I have been finding really frustrating is all the parents on this website talking about the stress they are under and when you read on, their children are already getting As, going to school every day, and doing revision. What are you all stressed about? You have no idea what it feels like to get up every day and wonder if your child is even going to agree to to go to school.

There is not really any point in anyone giving me advice, as I have seen so many professionals and my daughter has personal issues which are combined with the unfortunate genetic traits inherited from her father - namely, lack of motiviation and initiative, laziness, the "don't care" gene, etc.

I just wanted to post this to make all those parents whose children are getting As already realise that they should all be taking a chill pill and be grateful that they have have children who are motivated and are willing to put in the effort without massive parental involvement.

[Minifingers]

Fair enough Coconutty. Maybe her 11 year old dd IS IN YEAR 11 and is ALSO an under achieving school refuser.

[Mammuzza]

People being pointlessly pedantic about irrelevant details or obvious typos - it's twattish (or cuntish/cunty/cunt-like, which ever you prefer).

Coconutty made a neutral comment, correcting a factual innaccuracy.

Whereas considerably more aggresstive posts came from you.

Perhaps you might want to consider taking it down a notch or two. It is possible for perfectly reasonable people to disagree with somebody else's conclusions in less insulting and hostile manner.

MNHQ have overtly requested that the levels of viciousness and aggression on this board be lowered significantly. It might be worth giving that request greater considerstion.

[Minifingers]

The OP is clearly experiencing high levels of distress about her dd. Coconutty's response was a pedantic comment about there not being an art 'paper' for GCSE. It was a twattish, mean spirited response.

Maybe I do feel strongly about this issue - only people who've experienced it can know the maelstrom of upset and fear school refusing can bring on a parent and child. When my dd was doing it it nearly bought the family to the brink of destruction.

I know what the OP I'd going through and I know how I'd feel about a snarky, pedantic response.

[Mammuzza]

Maybe I do feel strongly about this issue - only people who've experienced it can know the maelstrom of upset and fear school refusing can bring on a parent and child. When my dd was doing it it nearly bought the family to the brink of destruction.

I am well aware of that. My younger sister had school refusing issues of her own and our family was deeply impacted by that period.

However the fact remains that your preferred posting style, in terms of hostility, insults and aggression, is a wholly out of proportion with the fiarly innocuous post you are railing against.

That is in direct contradiction to the less "vipers nest" tone MNHQ has overtly requested to become the "new normal" on this board.

[Northernlurker]

Whilst we're talking about maelstroms, it's not exactly plain sailing parenting a high achieving child who puts themselves under huge pressure to achieve even more. That's bloody scary actually. The Op pm'd me out of the blue at the weekend to tell me off and then hasn't even bothered to come back to this thread. I think she can stand a little pointing out of factual inaccuracies.

[Bilberry]

You say your dd seems to lack the basics eg. Doesn't understand the dividing sign. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't be keen on school either. Perhaps she is overwhelmed, doesn't understand her lessons, doesn't know what she can do to change this, panicking, feels embarrassed by her lack of understanding. What do the school say? How are they supporting her? At this stage you might be best concentrating on the basics (with help from school) to ensure her maths and literacy are up to scratch. Outside school, encourage any interests and maybe see if she can do some volunteering as this will up her self-esteem and maybe give her some employment skills. Exams can be done at a later date (including university access courses) so all is not lost if she is academically a late developer.

[soddinghormones]

I think many people find the use of slang terms for female genitalia as an insult quite offensive - I have no problem with the words themselves but bot when they're used in that way

The op may or may not have made a typo - in any case your reaction was completely over the top

As an aside, minifingers, your posts make it incredibly easy to identify both you and your dc - considering some of the things you've said about them, their schools and the neighbourhood in which you live you might consider toning down your posting style

[Elsie20]

To be honest and without causing a debate, I hate swearing especially to people I don't know and know the real me because it very easy for someone to judge, however I never found the c word offensive as to the judging of other people and silly responses to a very serious situation to someone who is clearly distressed.

I can totally and utterly relate with the OP and I can completely relate to others who have high achievers. I have one of them too, well actually two but one who puts herself under enormous pressure. Parenting is no easy job. We are all faced with problems and thank god there is a place to turn like MN so we can air our problems to complete strangers and offload. I know the OP says she doesn't want advice but she clearly needed to say something and clearly distressed and I get what she is saying as I've been there.

My son was a school refuser and it completely battered our family for two years. Everyone suffered and especially me. I work full time and in a professional job. I know they looked at me and thought she should know better. I was an emotional wreck and felt like scum. I begged for help but no one could do nothing.

As I said earlier in a post, I suffered terrible. I became so ill. I had a blood clot and very high blood pressure and I'm on tablets for the rest of my life. My other children suffered and especially my daughter as she was at primary school and was late every day. A teacher had to pick her up in the morning. The embarrassment was terrible. I felt the worst mother in the world. I also nearly lost my job because they said I obviously couldn't juggle work and motherhood together. My marriage nearly fell apart from all the stress. The impact on the whole family is enormous.

As I said I do understand that high achievers are just a worry but I've been there too and I'm sorry, I'm really not minimising the pressure there but it's nothing compared to a school refuser where you're battling with a school to do a managed move and them saying no as there is no behaviour issues. There's no help as your child doesn't have special educational needs etc etc. I was even told if I lived in social housing on benefits, I could get help but because I wasn't there was nothing they could do. All I had was an EWO who was lovely but couldn't help either. You're then hit with meeting after meeting saying you're go to prison, then when finally they know they can't do that (as it was me who called them begging for help) they then say your child will be prosecuted and could do triage and have a criminal record. That stress is unbelievable. Every morning by 9am I felt I had done 10 rounds with mike Tyson.

I do know I was lucky, I never gave up the fight and though they thought I was neurotic, I went through social services, had police cars turn up (another long story) spoke to the head of children's services who found a new school for him and we've never looked back.

I have to say it's very difficult to find a school for a school refuser as schools don't like to take them on, so you need the fair access protocol to hand. As I said I know we are lucky and he moved in year 10. He is about to go into year 11 and wow he is predicted a's but I'll be honest, the grades I don't care about. It's more, wow, his attendance was 96% and the reason it's not 100% is because he broke his arm badly.

Our family life today is amazing. The calm in the house is excellent and my son is like my baby boy again and I'm so so so proud of him but I will never ever forget my darkest moments ever. All we want is the best for our kids.

Again I wish the OP every luck, and if you do come back, please feel free to send me a message, even if it's to offload. You're not alone. X

[Cardriver]

Meh, I have a lot of stress in my life but not because of problems with my DDs refusing to go to school or not achieving, although DD1s attendance was low throughout secondary due to illness and accidents (caused by hypermobility).

So I might not have your problems but I have other problems (don't even get me started on those). Sorry that you're having a hard time OP but my DC going to school/achieving well doesn't make everything in my life ok.

[Mammuzza]

but it's nothing compared to a school refuser

Not all school refusing is created equal. Not all "incredibly bright and puts self under immense pressure" is created equal. My younger sister was both. I couldn't get a fag paper between which side of the issue was worse.

Happily enough we don't have to line up examples of both and decide which parents have it harder and then set up a line in the sand sayingnwho is allowed to get stressed and who needs to count their belssings and "take a chill pill".

It's Ok for both lots of parents, and parents like me, who faced neither of those specific challenges with my own son, but still ended up on her knees with an education going bent, to post here. To seek advice. To let off steam. Too be understood.

Becuase it is not the misery olympics.

It is perfectly possible to sympathise, empathise with a poster without feeling entitled to in unleash wholly disproportinate, hostile, aggressive language infused posts ... becuase somebody points out a factual innacuracy in an OP.

[SoonToBeSix]

My dd is predicted A's she also has severe anxiety. Her dad and I are very worried about how she will cope at school in year 11 and that's on the days she makes it into school rather than vomiting and being unable to step out of her own front door.
But thanks OP I will just take a chill pill come September.

[Northernlurker]

Given that my husband was at school with a high achieving, high pressure, brilliant and gifted woman who killed herself shortly before her Oxford finals I absolutely won't accept that school refusing is 'worse' than the pressures on high achieving children. It's not 'nothing'.

[Deverethemuzzler]

The OP was hostile and dismissive of anyone else's problems or issues.
Telling people to basically stfu because it was so much worse for them.
Telling them not to bother giving advice because none of it works.
Being really quite unpleasant about their own child.

This was not someone asking for support. It was someone dropping a bomb and fucking off.

Hence my rather blunt first post. What if I started a thread telling everyone to stop moaning about their troubled children or their disabled children or their abusive partners and crumbling houses?

If I did that you could bet your life I was in distress. It wouldn't make what I was shouting reasonable though would it?

[scarletinsel]

My children are not high achievers either. My oldest is now 20, but was at a similar level to yours at the same age. My best advice would be to let school educate her as best they can. Schools are full of motivated, skilled teachers who can help all kinds of children reach their potential. I did not get involved with my son's school work, but just supported him generally. After very inauspicious mocks, and predictions of all d grades,he managed to get several GCSEs above a grade d. It sounds like you both need some serious emotional support. She already hates school, and spends a lot of time there, so my instinct would be to work on your relationship, by offering to support any other interests she has, or just hang out together and watch some TV she likes. It worked for us.

[Elsie20]

Mammuzza- I'm not saying anyone needs to take a chill pill, nor am I under estimating the difficulties of over achievers and children who put themselves under pressure. Like I said before, I have a daughter just like soontobesix who is actually vomits. Who has a fit if she is a second late for school. I have my grave concerns regarding her. I also have not used any bad language at all.

I actually pointed out, parenthood is no easy task, that we all have our problems and we all worry about our children. They are our babies and we want the best for for them.

I appreciate my case might be different but if I compare both my children (this is personally now, MY CHILDREN, not anyone else's) then the school refuser was much worse. The reason for that is the impact it has on the family as I stated above and to make matters worse there was no help available.

Northernlurker, my dad's cousin did the same and it's very very sad and no one is saying its nothing. I think I clearly stated it was an issue.

[Mammuzza]

Elsie

I was responding to this...

however I never found the c word offensive as to the judging of other people and silly responses to a very serious situation to someone who is clearly distressed.

... which reads as a defence of disproportinatly hostile posts made towards a poster who pointed out a factual error.

It is your opinion that the cunt/twat posts were inoffensive. One you are entitled to hold. But not one I share. Nor one shared by MNHQ who have overtly requested the aggression go down a notch or two in the forum.

The chill pill reference orginated with the OP, in her single post on the thread.

It was not clear from your post, which may well be down to my reading of it rather than your intent, that you were strictly comparing the stress value of school refusing V high achiever+high pressure between your own children.

I took this remark...

As I said I do understand that high achievers are just a worry but I've been there too and I'm sorry, I'm really not minimising the pressure there but it's nothing compared to a school refuser...

... to be refering to a comparision of the two issue in a general sense, rather than strictly when it came to your own 2 children.

[Elsie20]

Mammuzza, you quoted only part of what I said. I do not condone swearing, I actually said I hate swearing but I did not find the c word as offensive as other comments. You're right though it should really say, I find it less offensive but the previous sentence did say I don't agree with such language and I stated the word as the c word rather than spelling it out. I thought it was actually clear I personally find it offensive just not as offensive.

Everyone's situations are different, we have extreme cases to less extreme. Maybe mine is the extreme case and maybe yours is with a high achiever is too and that's why we both feel so passionate about it. I don't know, but what I do know, the whole situation nearly killed me, literally. Another thing I know is with a high achiever and the stress related issues, there is help available, though I do know the child might refuse it. With my case, with a school refuser, there was literally zero help. Nothing. Not anything that he could refuse, which he probably would of, if I'm being honest.

There is also a terrible taboo with school refusers. I think parents feel utterly scummy and that you've failed as a mother. We all want to be proud of our children and I know I couldn't talk about my son when it was happening as I admit I felt ashamed and then I felt more shame that I was feeling that.

What I will say though is with a school refuser is that parents are held accountable and not the child so suddenly where you want to help and support your child, you can't because it's the parent being threatened with prison, a criminal record (I would definitely of lost my job as I need a clean crb, which could of resulted in us losing a roof over our heads with no income) it's the parent being put in mountains of debt at £60 a day. That destroys families. It really is aimed harshly at parents. That's stress is incredible, though I don't know your position, I'm guessing you wouldn't be affected in those terms.

I'm not saying you wouldn't feel the emotional effect of a high achiever , it's worrying and distressing, and of course you have my every sympathy on that, I certainly wouldn't be shouting you down at all and say you weren't feeling distress. I'm not saying that you are saying this though.

I know the OP actually said she didn't want advice but it was clear she was distressed, just if you had wrote the post saying vice versa, I would of felt your pain and wouldn't say try being in my shoes (again Im not saying you said that) We are all parents and probably for the third time or more now parenting is not easy, we want the very best for our children. We want them to be happy and when they are not the impact it has on us as mothers is enormous.

Lastly I'm not out to offend anyone, nor judge them. I have experience on both subjects and only offered what it was like for me, what I lived through. I hope I haven't offended you mammuzza and that the OP knows she isn't alone.

I better get back to work, have enough disciplinary lol :)

[notquiteruralbliss]

OP in your position, I'd stop worrying and encourage your DD to go with what she's good at an enjoys, which seems to be art. She only has one more year til GCSEs are out of the way. At that point, she will have a lot more options and may be much more enthusiastic if she is doing something she is interested in.

I think it is undoubtably easier for straight down the line DCs, who sail through school, but many aren't like that. It is easy to get sucked into feeling that it is a disaster if school doesn't go to plan, but it really isn't.

Neither of my older DCs have had a great relationship with schools. One is off the scale bright, but struggled to settle in a school and, by 6th form, was attending hardly any lessons. She did end up with As and A stars at A level but it was stressful, constantly dealing with schools / colleges wanting to know where she was. Once she got to uni, she was fine and looks as if she will get a very good degree.

The other (also academically very able) in effect stopped going to school at 15, studied for GCSEs but chose not to sit most of them and got a job doing something she loves at 16. At just turned 18, she lives away from home, is highly employable in her field, runs a car and is happy, independent and self reliant.

[vkyyu]

Mine aren't higher achievers but they want to do well. I am happy with that. When they ve done well they need my appreciation. When they ve done badly they need my emotional support. Op I believe many parents have fed up moments. I would not take other people kids' outstanding results too seriously especially from MN. Just focus on your own. At least you ve it got out of your chest and hope you feel better.

PS not read all the responses

[Pandora37]

Something doesn't add up here. If your daughter doesn't know the signs for multiply and divide then there's no way she would have got a D or an E, she would have got a U. I got an E in my maths GCSE mock and my maths was much more advanced than that. She's either winding you up to get out of doing work or she lied about her mock results. But I honestly think if her maths skills were that bad the school would have contacted you by now.

Okay, so Ds and Es aren't fantastic grades. But they're not that bad for someone who won't attend school and is completely unmotivated. With a bit of extra tuition she could bump the Ds up to Cs. She might not have even tried for her mocks. I know when I was that age I thought well they're not even real exams so why bother trying? She probably took a similar view and may knuckle down more next year.

What does she want to do when she leaves school? Has she got any plans? Lack of motivation isn't unique to your daughter, I think it's quite common amongst kids her age. The fact that she likes art and is good at it is a positive. Encourage her with that and see if she can do something with it after she leaves school. If she knows she needs to get 5 GCSEs at grade C or above to get onto an art course that might motivate her more. I hated school at her age and bunked off lots. Once I'd gone on to do A Levels (and I did them because I didn't know what else I wanted to do) I found that I loved my subjects and did really well. Finding something she's passionate about is the key I think.

If your daughter does do badly she can always return to education as an adult. Unfortunately, sometimes people have to learn the hard way and need to mature a lot before they can get the most out of education. I hope it all works out for you and her.

[Chiana]

OP, have you had your daughter assessed for learning disabilities?