Put my mind at rest - dd2 to be one of only 5 white girls in new class of 30

[Bedward]

That's it really. dd2 went to her induction at her new school, yesterday. She was v excited - only one from her primary going, but dd1 already there. About half the new school are from different ethnic minorities and dd2 is fine with that - all dd1's friends at the school are from different ethnic backgrounds in fact. But it just so happens that dd2's form is 25/30 non-white. When I met up with dd2 after her induction, she looked slightly nervous and crestfallen - she's very sociable and easy-going, but her current school is virtually totally white (village school).

Please tell me it's going to be ok - I tried to reassure her she'll be fine, but I think the reality of going to a school where she knows no-one and worries she may not fit in, are now becoming real. :(

[lainiekazan]

It is unhelpful to dismiss the op's concerns and make racist accusations. Anyone would be apprehensive if they thought their dc might not make friends at a new school.

Ds has Muslim and Sikh friends. They go round to each other's houses, have had parties etc etc. BUT - these dc do not come from especially religious families. Their parents are middle class professionals. Call me a snob if you like, but ds's friend's mum who is a Muslim told me she wouldn't want her ds mixing with certain dc with Asian backgrounds (she uses the term Asian). I guess everyone has their own "chavs".

I'm sure in a class of 30 not all the pupils will be mega-religious. But I think this is something worth raising with the pastoral person at the school. Given that school is where one finds one's friends whe you're 12, it would be tough to have to take it on the chin that that isn't going to happen.

[Futterby]

I don't see what the problem is. Have a

[RestingUnderTheSun]

Having said that, I would love my dcs to be in such a mixed school.
As it is, they are in a very white middle class school and they do struggle because there is little variety (They are 'white european' but bi-national and feel out of place too...).

There is a lot to say about being in a very mixed environment at school!

[lainiekazan]

Those doing biscuit emoticons, have you never been in an environment where you felt an outsider? Have you never been to a toddler group where everyone is sitting together chatting because they have known each other's families since 1123 and you are sat there like a lemon? Have you never had the experience of standing at the school gate with an exclusion zone around you such that you feel convinced you have horrendous BO?

Don't belittle fears of being left out.

[Kez100]

I don't think you can pre-guess that new friends won't be made and approach pastoral at all at this time.

Firstly, this class is probably a tutor group. Yes, they may stay together for quite a few lessons but not all and, as they progress through the school, even less so. My daughter, who is now at college, had two best friends she met at secondary. Neither were from her tutor group.

Secondly, what can you say to pastoral currently that won't come across as extremely precious? There are usually settling in meetings held with tutors just before Christmas. That's the time to raise issues if she feels she has no friends at that point.

And I re-iterate. I think it is exciting. My daughter has just joined a college where there is a high number of international students and I was disappointed that, in the end, on her particular course there weren't very many.

[Bedward]

Thanks, Resting and Lainie.

And Futterby - next time read the WHOLE thread and here's your with a to dunk it in. back,

[maja00]

I think this is only really an issue if the vast majority are from one ethnic background/speak the same home language and than the minority child can feel excluded. If there is a good mix of different backgrounds/home languages and English is the common language then skin colour isn't an issue.

[Bedward]

I agree, Kez - I wouldn't dream of raising it with pastoral before she started and only afterwards if I had reason to believe she was being bullied eg for her religion. (Which I don't think is likely but is always possible - I know of other Jewish dcs at other similar schools locally that have been victims of specific anti-Semitic bullying, so know it does go on.)

I didn't post the thread because I wanted to 'complain' about the racial mix in her class, but because I wanted to hear positive stories/attitudes, so that when my dd looked nervous, I could in all conscience say to her with a smiling face, no, you'll be fine, you'll have an amazing time and it will be an opportunity to make loads of lovely new friends - yay to go for your new school!

But I'm human and I worry - I'm a mother; it's part of the human condition.

So humour me and tell me she'll be fine!!

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

You've highlighted that DD1 has some social issues at the school....then why did you send DD2 there? I think YABU but also a bit head in the sand about DD1 having issues and then sending DD2 there too!

[Justfornowitwilldo]

How is the religious mix? I would be worried about anti Semitic bullying.

[RestingUnderTheSun]

She will be fine Bedward :):)

Seriously, at the moment it will be difficult to judge because you have no idea if these children are coming from families that are quite 'strict' re outings (such as the ones your dd1 seems to be happy with) or if they are indeed very open.
And school isn't the only place to socialize. It might be also a good exercise for her to do something else outside of school and make friends that way.
And stay in touch with the friends she currently have too.

[Bedward]

NeoMaxi - dd1 and dd2 are v v different. dd1 is very unconfident socially - dd2 is (usually) very chilled, so I wasn't worried about her - until this.

Justfornow - the religious mix is very good - totally diverse, not overly dominated by any one faith. And all seem to get on fine AFAIK, so hope it will not be a problem. But marginally more likely if the class happened to be dominated by one faith group so that the others felt unable to express themselves freely. As I said - I do know of Jewish kids in other local schools where this has been an issue - I discounted one local school specifically for this reason, as apparently in this case the school were rubbish, ignored it totally until the girl who'd been bullied eventually had to leave. :(

But I would not have chosen this school if I had thought it was generally a problem at this school - I don't.

[Bedward]

Thanks, Resting. :)

Will keep in touch with old friends/seek new ones out of school - just would hate dd2 to lose her social confidence - she's always been so happy, chilled and easy-going.

I hope she'll stay that way - much easier way to face secondary school. Suppose I am worrying whether it would have been kinder to send her to a school where loads of her primary friends are going, for an easier transition. :( But I know they do cope... just hard while they find their feet...

[tiredaftertwo]

Op I don't think you sound racist. I know some dc too who have not socialised outside school because their friends were not encouraged to mix much outside the family. All nice kids, no racism, just different approaches to family life. And those differences do sometimes, not always, connect with cultural background.

So I understand your concern but it is only a possibility that is how things will turn out; she could be making your hair stand on end with her partying by the end of year 7! I think all you can do is be encouraging and watch her progress as you would do anyway.

[Bedward]

Very true, tired.

[ZZZenagain]

From what you say, it sounds as if it will be ok. Are none of her friends from primary moving to this new school?

[ZZZenagain]

Why did you choose this school originally for dd1?

[Wilfer]

DD is off to a girls' school where she will be one of very few girls of her ethnic and cultural background. The predominant group is Muslim, and I'm pretty sure this will have an impact on socialising outside school.

The Muslim children at our primary school don't normally accept invitations for parties etc and would certainly never come for sleepovers. DD2's best friend (not Muslim), who is already in Yr 7 at the same school has made lots of very good friends but they never meet up outside school.

DD2 is a very gregarious child and I do think she will miss out if she has fewer opportunities to socialise with her peers. We will just have to encourage lots of non-school clubs etc to ensure she has a wide friendship group .

[tiredaftertwo]

Being a bit eyore-ish here, going to secondary with primary friends can also go wrong, as can lots of socialising for young teens....I suspect we all worry one way or or t'other! And I agree about doing things outside school too, again this can be a good plan whatever the circumstances.

Your dd sounds lovely. I can really understand why she feels nervous. Going to secondary is such a big change, it is quite hard to guess in advance what will work and what will not.

[FrauMoose]

My daughter is in a city secondary school where there is a wide mixture of races and religions. She is from a (non-observant) Jewish background. While there are a small number of children in her class who are from strict religious backgrounds which means they don't socialise out of school, they have formed good friendships within the school. My daughter finds the Evangelical Christian girls the most extreme, though she is good friends with a Baptist! I think when the Holocaust is taught within history lessons, children are extremely respectful. (Expect a wide variety of interesting debates within RS though!) Oddly enough the only time when insensitive remarks were made it was within a Year 7 or 8 drama class, where the play was set immediately post-world War 2. It was some white girls - who had absolutely no awareness of white on white racism that made some inappropriately 'humorous' remarks, which distressed my daughter. (My mother was refugee from Germany and some of her relatives perished.) The drama teacher was most supportive when I contacted her with my concerns. Although the transition to secondary school takes a bit longer for some children for a huge range of reasons, I think diversity in a school can be a big, big strength

[Silver15]

I think we need to respect all cultures and family choices. Socialising outside school is a family choice not a cultural thing. I'm comfortable with no sleep overs but that does not make me asocial.

[sashh]

Good grief, the world is not divided into white and non white. Have a look at the class you will find there are small groups of different backgrounds.

You should be worried about whether the school will educate your daughter.

[FrauMoose]

I think there is an overlap between religion/culture and individual family choices. In all major religions - certainly in Christianity, Orthodox Judaism and it appears within Islam there are more zealous subgroups that will see socialising with unbelievers/those who have very different beliefs as a potential source of corruption. Also if there are different days of religious observance, festivals that need to be celebrated and additional religious education/study in a place of worship that may be prioritised over hanging out at McDonalds. Fortunately the majority of families are able to combine their beliefs with a feeling that they want their children to have a 'normal' happy childhood/adolescence.

[Madamecastafiore]

FFS 'only white one'???

Words fail me the fucked up stupidness of some people.

[Madamecastafiore]

Token Jew?????

Arrrrgggggjhhhh!!!!!!!