Tale as old as time... partners and housekeeping as a SAHP!

[Caiti93]

Another rant about how to share housework... First time posting, I hope this isn't too long.

Partner and I had our first child together 1.5yrs ago, just after emigrating. We were both working full time before this and both financially contributed. We lived together for a year prior to the move and baby and whilst I did most of the cooking and cleaning, he did washing (usually only his) and we were housesharing so general cleaning was split.

I finished a contract role just before having our baby so haven't been on mat leave and no role to return to. I've fallen into the SAHP role without any intention, therefore we actually never discussed what this meant. Partner was working as a contractor for the past 10 years but since having bubs he has found full time work. He works and brings in the cash, I do everything else.

I don't know if I'm being unfair, expecting too much or being taken for a mug. I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, floors, all child care, bed times, domestic admin, social organisation. I did all the admin for the big move, we recently moved house locally and I did all admin for the rental application, I'd say 3/4 of the packing (with a toddler helping) and 3/4 of the unpacking. He was doing the bins and dishwasher at the old house, but new place doesn't have a dishwasher and I've done the bins most of the time since we've been at the new place.

His commute is long at the moment and his boss sucks. He's roped into calls when he gets home and sometimes early morning too. It's not fair and I feel for him. I've almost even just decided that this is the role I've got to play and that's ok because he's doing his - financial support. But what irks me is that he can't even do the simple things.

He regularly leaves his clothes on the floor after a shower (and water which baby has slipped on), leaves the lid off the sugar and tea jars, doesn't put things in the bin, today I opened the freezer to find an empty box from some ice cream he finished. I feel like I'm living with a teenager sometimes! He even got annoyed a few weeks ago on a Monday when he had no clean socks or underwear when he was getting ready for work... If he would just not make more mess for me to clean, I may be able to accept that he doesn't actively do a fair share of the housework.

I've spoken to him about it, I try not to frame it as "helping out more" because he's an adult and should act like one, but nothing changes. Or it changes for a couple weeks then reverts back to the old ways. There's always a reason, always an excuse. I've half a mind to blame his mum for not giving him chores as a child and teaching him to care for himself, except he looked after himself just fine for 15 years before we lived together.

I don't really know what I'm looking for. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just accept it and be happy. I was offered a job and almost started, but our son struggled in childcare so we delayed me returning to work. I've contemplated throwing in the towel and leaving him, but he's moved countries to be with me and doesn't have friends or family here, so I'd feel awful. But I feel like I'm constantly annoyed with him. So yeah, not really sure what to do anymore.

Sorry for the rant. A lot to explain and vent, to what end I don't know...

[LittleMiceSing]

Stop doing his laundry for a start.
Why men think women should wash their pants.
No thanks
Get back to work ASAP and tell him everything needs to be divided equally.
He's rude and disrespectful

[Pixiedust1234]

Get a job ASAP. You need to be able to financially look after yourself.

In the meantime see if you can find a family counsellor or mediator so you can discuss what is happening but honestly he won't change. So the options are either live like this until you die or leave.

[MaryJean87]

I'm also a sahm. I do the majority of the housework, cooking and child/ life admin. I don't mind because I'm home during the day whole lids are at school. I'd be sitting on my ass otherwise. He works long hours and is tired so I don't expect him to start doing housework that I have had all day to do. When he's off, he will do his fair share. I think the main problem is that he's disrespecting you by actively being a scruff and giving you more jobs to do. Career or not, be can tidy up after himself.

[MaryJean87]

• while kids are at school

[AutumnCrow]

I would lay it on the line with him that either he changes - permanently - or you separate. It's his choice.

[Mamabird2022]

I have this exact issue. I’m a SAHM to a 9m old. My DH works evening shifts 5-11 weekends 12-6 but commute times on top he has to leave at 3pm through the week and 9:30/10 on weekends. I do everything and when I say everything I mean every little thing. And he puts his clothes on the floor instead of the wash basket and he will leave bowls on his bedside table from where he has had a snack before bed and wet towels left on the floor from where he has been in the bath. His job is to take the bins out as we live in a flat and it’s two flights of stairs down to the bins. Some days the bin bag will sit in our hallway for a week before he will take it. I’ve walked out and left him and told him I won’t come back until he changes and let me tell you IT.DOES. NOT. WORK! The only thing that has worked is me not picking up after him. His clothes are on the floor I clean around them and they’re not washed. Towels left in the floor? I push them to one side and when he says to me “has this not been washed” I ask him “was it in the laundry basket” and if the answer is no then no it’s not been washed. He sharp learned when he didn’t have any clean clothes to go to work in and had to wear something that was dirty 🤷🏻‍♀️