Decision to be a SAHM

[PaintedLadyWBB]

I've been on maternity leave for almost a year so I'm due to go back to work. Hubby is the main breadwinner and my job was always 'pocket money'. We've worked out that if I went back to work then my wages would cover childcare costs which just seems a bit pointless. My hubby is fantastic. He works so hard and never complains. There's no issues with finances and he never questions my spending as I am responsible for shopping. I do all the cleaning, washing, maintenance, cooking, childcare but I never feel it's enough. My hubby always says that he doesn't care if I do nothing all day just as long as the LO is fine, fed, dressed etc which he is. I just feel that what I do at home is nothing compared to what hubby does at work.
How did anyone else decide that being a SAHP was the right call?

[AuntieStella]

Is your DH's job secure?

How will your finances look in 5 years if a) you continue to work, b) you don't c) you find some flexible middle ground. That your family incone barely differs in the short term (because of childcare bills) is not the whole picture

Remember it is always easier to secure flexible working from an existing employer than it is to find a part-time or compressed hours job from the off.

[Rainallnight]

There’s nothing in your OP about what you want to do. Do you enjoy your job? Do you fancy a break? Is it the sort of thing you could go back to if SAHM-ing isn’t for you?

[cptartapp]

I went back to work pt when Dc were four and five months. Their nursery fees took the whole equivalent of my salary for two years. It was far from pointless.
I kept my skills, my sanity and maintained the power balance in the relationship.
18 years on my pension looks great and I'm eyeing up early retirement. If you want to be a SAHM then great. But think long term. Especially as a woman who'll undoubtedly be left with the DC if the relationship fails.

[Booboobadoo]

Childcare costs should be split between you. Have you discussed your pension, national insurance contributions etc? Also, being at home doesn't mean you should be responsible for absolutely everything in the home.

[cheeseismydownfall]

I agree with the PP - you need to think long term. Assuming you are around 30 or so, you have over 30 potential working years ahead of you. You need to think about the impact your decision will have over the whole of that period (including pension), not just on the next few years. Avoiding paying childcare fees (which should absolutely be a joint expense, BTW) is likely to be a serious false economy in the long term.

Obviously there are lots of reasons why you might decide to be a SAHP, but to avoid (affordable) childcare costs is a really poor reason IMO.

[Mumdiva99]

We knew before having kids that it was our preferred choice. I took voluntary redundancy towards the end of mat leave which paid for about 5-10 years of treats, car tax and insurance, holidays etc (I was frugal). If I hadn't got that I may have returned to work earlier. As it is I can just freelance occasionally around the kids. I will probably never get back to the same point in my career but that's ok. I've been lucky enough to be home instead with the kids.

[Mol1628]

We were in the same situation. No family around to help with childcare etc. It was fine when they were little I was always busy with them but now they are in school I’m unemployable and it’s pretty rubbish. It’s hard to find a flexible job starting from scratch.

That said it is lovely not to have to worry about child care sick days school holidays etc.

I think it was the best thing for us at the time but I have certainly made a lot of sacrifices.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Well, it’s ok to be a SAHP but you have to think things through and ensure you have options because by you giving up work, you are putting all your eggs in one basket...

• Life insurance- insure him for millions. Because if he dies in a car crash, where will that leave you? And the children?
  

-Pension- you will likely outlive him and many pensions cannot be inherited by a surviving spouse, so make sure some money is put in a pension for you

• Savings- hubby loses his job and is jobless for six months, how will you pay bills?
  

-Disability insurance- instead of hubby dying, he is permanently disabled in said car crash, now what? This insurance would cover costs of living and any care he may need (ie paralysed, brain injury, etc).

[Daydrambeliever]

I agreed to become a SAHP only after serious discussions with my husband about finances. I very much wanted to spend more time with my babies. All income would be "joint" and we would receive the same spending money. Contributions would made to a pension for me. I did do most of the housework because I wanted our evenings and weekends to be relaxed, but I also made it clear that my role was a parenting/child care one not a housekeeping one. I also made sure that my husband was on board with me being out one evening a week so that I could volunteer in my field and that he would support me retraining if I had to. It was important to me to know that I had the ability to save and that should he walk away I would be able to go straight back into the workplace. It worked for us. As the children got older, I gradually increased my work commitments.

[Daydrambeliever]

Also agree with poster above - we took out life insurance and critical illness insurance on him.

[imsoinmyhead]

I think it's all well and good in the short term (I did it for 3 yrs) but in the end I became so bored, had very low self esteem and wanted to contribute financially and have my own money.

I'm glad I went back to work as it really is hard trying to re enter the workforce in your late 30s/40s if you've had a big break.

Maybe do it whilst your children are pre school age, but I'd get back to employment sharpish after that.

[LikeAnOldFriend]

I expected to want to return to my old job when I had my first child but in the end I didn’t. I would have gone back to work 3 days a week and had a fair bit of travel too and potentially extra contact with work and in the end I realised when I was on maternity leave I didn’t want to do it for myself, and financially it wasn’t necessary as my husband’s job had evolved at just the same time. But I did stop short of being a full time SAHP by taking on a flexible job as a home carer a few hours a week. Sometimes 16 hours, now that I have two DC just 8 hours a week at the moment but it’s a toe in the water with work and it’s actually been a total career change but brought me to an area I always wanted to try working in and now would stick in when I build back up to working more again when both DCs are in pre school / school. Because it’s a flexible contract and type of work, if circumstances changed I could increase my hours quite easily to whatever was necessary and it gives a bit of peace of mind in that way.

[Peach01]

I know other people who gave up working because their income just covered childcare and felt it was pointless when they could be with their family rather than pay for someone else to be there. I know others who were happy with this as they needed time away from home and more adult interaction.

I didn't return to work and became SAHM.
This was our ideal scenario but initially it knocked my confidence a little because I associated my identity with my career, overcame that and wouldn't change it. I love being a SAHM. I have enough adult contact with friends and family to never long for that.

It's definitely been the right call for us. They're not going to be little for long, I think you're very fortunate to be in the position where you can stay at home.

[LikeAnOldFriend]

@Peach01

I know other people who gave up working because their income just covered childcare and felt it was pointless when they could be with their family rather than pay for someone else to be there. I know others who were happy with this as they needed time away from home and more adult interaction.

I didn't return to work and became SAHM.
This was our ideal scenario but initially it knocked my confidence a little because I associated my identity with my career, overcame that and wouldn't change it. I love being a SAHM. I have enough adult contact with friends and family to never long for that.

It's definitely been the right call for us. They're not going to be little for long, I think you're very fortunate to be in the position where you can stay at home.

This is exactly how I felt too. I kind of consider myself a SAHM because I’m at home with them all week, I only work on a Saturday at the moment, and I am the same that at first I felt insecure about it, but overcame that over time because it was what I genuinely wanted and like you say I felt lucky to be in that position. The main thing that made me feel completely solid in my decision was how quickly my oldest got from newborn to 2.5 when she started going to playgroup and then to 3 and nursery. It happened in the blink of an eye. I’m happy to work so minimally just now and be at home because I know in another blink they’ll both be at school or preschool so for just now I’m just making the most of it.

[Ilovemaisie]

If I had gone back to work what I could have earned would have barely covered childcare - so I didn't even consider it. The idea that childcare costs would should be paid half and half from each parent wouldn't have made any difference because we would have combined wages and it's simple maths of his wage + my wage - childcare = pretty much what we would have with just his wage.
So what was the point? There is more fulfilling things in life than to go to work to essentially just pay for childcare which you only need because you are at work.

[Mattieandmummy]

It was the same for me, they are little for such a short period of time. The time from 0 to 2.5 years literally flies and you never get that time back. I wanted to see all the firsts when they happened rather than have someone else tell me about them so we made the decision that I would take a work break and go back later.

I also think it depends on your birth and journey to have them, we had a lot of trauma on the way there and that definitely affected my thoughts on it all.

[Mattieandmummy]

Don't forget that being at home with them is not a holiday, it is a full time job but the difference is you don't get paid for it. Don't think that you aren't making a contribution, you are raising your child or children and forming their character, giving them the skills to navigate life, make friends and be happy. It is such an important thing and yet we are made to feel so unworthy about it all.